Resolution

Erica, ever the sensible one, figured out the solution before I did. She announced one day that she was going to volunteer at The Red Cross blood center. After sitting around the house alone for a week, I began to look into what I could do with my time. I kind of missed my dad, who died two years before Erica's mother, so I decided I'd do something with old people, so I started delivering meals on wheels and ended up contacting the Metropolitan Family Service agency and going out to do minor repairs, mostly on senior's homes. I had always been a handyman and now I didn't need to do it for myself, I did it for old people. Sometimes, I'd just sit and talk after the job was done. It was good to be needed. The best thing was that I didn't have a set timetable to do the jobs and I could work when I wanted to. Taking time off was not a problem. I just didn't call in to see what the next project was until I was ready.

So, we kind of settled in. We sat a budget and didn't buy anything a whim. What with our being busy as if we were working, it was much like it was before. Yeah, just like it was before. I now had time to think about the future of our marriage. Things between Erica and I hadn't changed. Oh we were the best of friends, but aside from the "servicing" of each other's needs in bed, there was no passion in our lives. But in general, life went on. Just like clockwork, I went to see Joanne one Saturday and Erica went on the other. I suggested we make it the same Saturday, but Erica said she liked it the way it was it was a "girl" thing to do and my coming along would change the atmosphere. Well, after thinking about it, I had to agree. I'd developed a friendly relationship with Joanne that was kind of a private sort of thing. So, we had a mutual friend that we didn't share.

When a sense of normalcy settled in, we discovered that none of our real problems were solved by money. We were the same people with the same hang ups as before and the same problems to be resolved.

It all came to a head a few months later when Erica saw me shaving and asked, "You know, you've always complained about shaving everyday, why don't you have someone laser it all off and be done with it once and for all?"

"Huh!"

"Why don't you have laser treatments for your beard, so you don't have to shave anymore. You've always complained about what a chore it is to shave."

I stood there looking at her, frozen in mid stroke, What the hell is she talking about? OK, sure, it's a chore, but all men have to shave or grow a beard, I thought.

Then the whole thing hit. It nearly made me angry. After all I'd given her to make the everything easier for her; she wanted more, she wanted a smooth, womanly face. I wanted to lash out and ask, why the hell she couldn't be satisfied with what I'd given her? I'd grown out my hair, let it be styled into what I was sure a woman's style, I'd used that lavender smelling cologne she'd bought me, and now she wants me to lose my beard, not just shave it off, but permanently remove it.

I started to say something, then bit my tongue. Things had gone so well the last five or six months, there was no sense making an argument over a suggestion. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror, as if I was considering the idea, while thinking, No way Jose. But I said, "I don't know. Maybe it would be easier. But it sure would be weird, after all these years to not shave every morning."

I knew what she meant and why she wanted me to laser my beard off. Somehow, after all those months of near normalcy, for her to suggest that I make my face more smooth, like a woman's, just hit me wrong. Hell, haven't I given enough? I grew my hair out, I wear that damned lavender cologne... all so she can close her eyes and pretend I'm a woman, I thought again.

"I'm going out for a while. I need to get some exercise," I told her after breakfast. Exercise, yeah right. I drove my new pick up out of town, ending up on the old scenic highway. As I wheeled it through the curves, I thought, Maybe I should get myself a little sports car. A Miata, or maybe some classic roadster, like an Austin Healey Mark III, something fun to drive through these curves. Concentrating on keeping the truck on the road had the desired effect of taking my mind off what Erica had suggested, but I was soon tired of the effort. Slowing, I turned into one of the many parks with a view of a water fall. I walked to a picnic table and sat down. It was the middle of the week and no one was there. I was completely by myself, left to my own thoughts... or was that Erica's thoughts?

I thought back to where we had been. Oh God, I'd give back the millions just to have things the way they were, before that damned letter, before she felt the need to lust after women. What the Hell is that? How the hell did that all come about? God, how many times have I asked for a solution to work all this out? Have you answered? Have you even heard? What have I gotten since I prayed that first night? I got that damned dream where I get the distinct privilege of a vision of Erica with her female lover! Some answer that is. So what's the deal? You trying to say I should just live with it? I don't think so! I'm going to fight this. I didn't grow my hair out and start wearing that damned cologne just to give up. All of a sudden, it hit me about the pajamas Erica had given me for Christmas. And the pajamas the ones that I'm sure she thinks that feel all girlie, I'm wearing them and even liking them. No, no, no! Damn it, I'm going to do what ever it takes to keep Erica from acting out on her... her... ... what the Hell is it? A fantasy? What? Inclination? Her desires. I'm going to find a way to make her love me the way she used to.

We're almost there. We cuddle again, she can kiss me with, well not as much passion as I'd like, but with passion. OK, damn it, if she want's the beard lasered off, what the Hell! I don't like shaving any way.

Ÿ ¤ Ÿ ¤

Truth is the only reason I shaved at all was because my beard was too light and sparse to look good if I grew it out. As that came to mind, I thought, Ha! Good thing too. If I'd grown a beard, who know how much sooner, she'd have turned gay? She's never liked hairy men to start with. She always told me how glad she was that I wasn't hairy. Hmmm, you don't suppose that it all tied together with liking women? After all, women aren't hairy are they?

Whatever, I'd made up my mind, only I wouldn't just go tell Erica, no, I'd surprise her. I got out my new Blackberry phone and accessed the web. Christ, before all this money, I barely ever got on the Internet. Oh sure, I had email and I surfed the NFL sites and other sports related stuff. You know just to keep up with all the scores and things, but use it for something practical? Nah. But here I was... I managed to get to Google, after some real stumbling around and did a search on Laser Hair Removal and the name of my town. Like magic, a couple of dozen showed up on the screen. I scrolled through and discovered that I could easily stop by one on my way home.

A quick phone call and I found that if I could get there in a half an hour, there was a cancellation and the doctor could see me. I got over to the freeway the quickest way I could for the trip back into town. I found myself at a shopping mall that had a lot of offices with it. Just to show you what I know, I thought the doctor would lay me back on some kind of table, pull some kind of machine down out of the ceiling and zap, bye-bye beard. Well, so much for that fantasy. What I got was a half hour consultation and a pamphlet that described the procedure and an appointment for three weeks later. It seems that laser hair removal isn't a quick process, but one that takes three to five visits about a month apart. So much for a quick surprise.

Well, I still wasn't going to tell Erica. Since I wasn't supposed to shave for a couple of days before the procedure, I decided that I'd plan some fishing trips. Erica never really liked to go fishing with me. Too much time just sitting around for her.

I sat in the truck reading the pamphlet and absentmindedly scratched an itch on my chest, right on my nipple. I discovered the damned thing was tender. As I poked around, trying to determine just how tender, I discovered I was getting flabby up top. Damn Jimbo, all this easy life is making you soft. You're getting flabby. Come to think of it, I had noticed my pants didn't quite fit right. Maybe I should join a gym. It's not like I couldn't afford it or don't have the time.

Later that night, when I showered I took a good look at my chest. I was indeed getting flabby. I could cup a pretty decent hand full, almost like I had boobs. But what really surprised me was my nipples were really tender and seemed a bit puffy. What worried me though, was that there seemed to be a lump underneath each of them.

The next morning, that damned dream woke me up. You know, I hadn't remembered dreaming it since this whole lottery thing came up a year ago last August. What? Coming up on two years ago? As I dressed, I looked at my chest again. It worried me, so went looking for the phone number of that PA who prescribed the Propecia. She was the only doctor, or medical professional I'd seen in over five years.

It was a week later that I got in to see her. By then, I'd become obsessed with my chest. I could swear it was growing, so I started taking measurements, and ... well nothing, at least nothing I could discover with a tape measure. But the damn things were sensitive.

After prodding and poking and some soft touching, she just nodded and made some notes. The prodding a poking didn't feel so good, but the soft touching, well... if it had been Erica doing it, I'd have really liked it.

"You've been taking the Propecia since the last time I saw you?" she asked.

"Ah, yeah, everyday."

She made another note. "Did you read the list of possible side effects?"

"Ah, yeah, I skimmed through them, but it said that most men wouldn't be affected."

"Did you see the part about 'breast tenderness and enlargement'?"

"Ah, yeah, I guess. Is that what this is?"

"It appears so. Have you experienced any other side affects? Rash, itching, hives, or swelling of the lips and face?"

"No."

"How about problems with ejaculation or testicular pain?"

"No."

"Well of all the possible side effects, this is the least problematic."

"What can we do about it?"

"The only thing that can be done, is to stop taking the medication."

"Is that what I should do?"

"Well, that's up to you? However if you do, you'll lose all the gains in reversing your hair loss. I'd say that if the extra padding doesn't bother you, then there's no need to do anything."

"How big will they get?"

"Probably not very big. I'd guess not even a real A cup... that is unless the women in your family have overly large breasts say D or better."

"Well, my mother and aunt both were, ah... well endowed."

"Well then you could actually reach an A cup. The only practical recourse is to stop taking the meds. The only other option would be to wait until it's stabilized, after about five years on the medication and perform a mastectomy to remove the remaining tissue. All in all not cost effective and medical insurance isn't likely to cover the cost."

"You mean that there's really no adverse health effect from the enlarged breasts?"

"No, not really, but since you've had some side effects, we need to monitor you closely, if you're going to continue to take it. The other side effects have more long term repercussions. Testicular pain is something that we wouldn't want to let go unchecked. And, your sex life could be severely affected if you experience any of the others, including loss of libido, difficulty getting erection, etc. In the end, it could be possible for you to end up sterile. Are you thinking of continuing, even with the enlarged breasts?"

"Well, my hair has really responded to the treatment, and... ah, ... well... ah...

"Look, I haven't really talked to anyone about this. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about it. I... ah..."

A look of realization seemed to cross her face.

"Does the Hippocratic oath cover things we talk about as well as my medical information?"

"If your asking will I keep confidential what you tell me, the answer is yes. I've seen many men who have secrets..." she looked at my hair and then my chest, "and I don't pass on any information that they might consider embarrassing or detrimental even if it isn't medical."

I was getting emotional; I had a desire to just talk to someone about Erica. There wasn't anyone I could even mention it to.

"You want to tell me about your reasons for allowing the breast enlargement to continue?"

"Yes, I've just got to talk to someone about it. You see, my wife, after fifteen years of marriage, told me that she's discovered she was gay. That was nearly three years ago. She says she still loves me, but that women look sexually attractive to her. That's why I let my hair grow and want it to get thicker, so I'll look more feminine to her. I've even started wearing a lavender scented cologne, so I'll smell more feminine. She seems to like it, I mean our sex life still isn't normal, whatever that is, but at least we have one. Since I've grown my hair and started wearing the cologne, she responds to me almost like she used to, before she turned gay... so I guess growing breasts may be a benefit, it may even make her like me more. I just want to keep my wife."

I continued to babble for I don't know how long. When I finished she waited long enough to be sure I was through before she spoke.

"Well, that wasn't what I was expecting. I thought you were going to tell me you were a transvestite, or transsexual. But I can see that you have another distinctly different problem. I can't really advise you as to whether growing breasts would achieve any thing as far as making your wife feel sexually attracted to you or not. That would take a psychiatrist a couple of years of therapy with your wife to determine and then he couldn't share it with you without your wife's permission. But I can tell you that if that's your goal and you want to pursue it, there are better ways. I assume that you want to maintain your libido and male sexual function?"

"Well yeah."

"Then if you really want to go that route, I'd recommend plastic surgery in the form of breast augmentation. I could give you a referral, if you like."

"What? Oh no. I wouldn't do anything to get breasts, but if it happens, it happens. It couldn't hurt, you know? I mean with Erica going for women, anything that may make me seem more like a woman... well, it couldn't hurt."

"OK. Well, I want to get some blood drawn and do a few tests and then I want to see you again in three months. Sooner if you develop any more symptoms, OK?"

"Yeah, sure."

She had me stand and took some measurements in a couple of places around my chest, then she wrote something on a pad and gave it to me.

"Here's the address of a lab. Go get your blood drawn. I'll phone ahead and order some tests. When I get the results, I'll call you if there's any cause for concern. No news is good news. I'll want to see another blood scan when you come back, so I'll leave a standing order for the tests and you stop by for another blood draw about a week before your appointment. See you in three months."

I went to see the vampires on the way home and put the whole thing out of my mind. Well, except I thought of what I had said about just wanting to keep my wife. Will growing breasts make a difference? I guess I'll find out.

Ÿ ¤ Ÿ ¤

More eminent was the laser removal of my beard. Erica had all but asked me to do that. I still didn't want her to know, so I planned some fishing trips to cover my not shaving for the procedure. By the time for my first appointment came up, I had decided that there was no problem with my blood tests because the PA didn't call. I found out that it isn't an entirely painless procedure. As a matter-of-fact it's a lot like getting sunburn. Not a bad one, but still uncomfortable. I guess the way the thing works it the laser heats the hair and burns the follicle so it doesn't re-grow. I responded well to the laser and was pretty much hairless on my face when I went back to the PA.

"Your blood work is within tolerance," she told me. "Let's see how your chest looks."

I pulled off my shirt and she did the prodding and poking thing and then measured me like before. "I'd say you were still growing, but not at an alarming rate. Do you still want to keep on with the treatment?" I nodded. "Has your wife noticed the development?"

"Well, now that you mention it, she has taken to cuddling up and resting her head on my chest. Even nuzzling a bit like she was enjoying my flabby chest, but she's not said anything."

"Look this isn't medical or anything, but I talked to my sister, Joanne, the hairdresser. I understand that both you and your wife use her. Anyway... well, you just might want to mention it to your wife. I'd suggest you don't just blurt out something crass, like, 'Do you like my boobs.' But instead, express your concern about your chest and ask if she's noticed. It could start a conversation that would give you some information about her feelings on the matter."

"Ah, might be good advise. Maybe I'll do it."

"OK, same plan as before. Let me see you in three months and stop by for the blood draw a week before."

Ÿ ¤ Ÿ ¤

It was nearly time to go see the PA again before I could manage to find a time when it would seem normal to talk to Erica about my chest. Can you say procrastination? It was actually a month after my final laser treatment. Coincidentally, the week after Jimmy headed for MIT. I was a bit nervous. I mean, what would she say? Finally, I was in the bathroom going through the motions of shaving. I still hadn't told her about my laser treatment. I was just finishing up when she came in. I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror.

Putting a hand to my chest, I asked, "Have you noticed anything different about my chest?"

"Different? Like what?"

I pealed off my T-shirt. "I don't know. It seems to me like it's getting flabby and my nipples seem different. What's really got me concerned, it that I've noticed a lump under the nipples."

She ran her hand over my chest, cupping the flesh. Then she massaged the nipple of one of them with two fingers. She got a funny look on her face.

"There's something there alright. Are the tender or anything?"

I thought about it and remembered several things that I hadn't put together. "Well, they've been itching off and on for sometime and there are times when the nipples seem to be irritated by my T-shirt."

"I think it might be due to your hair loss meds. I've heard that it could be a side effect of some of them."

"Ah, yeah..." I wanted to lie to her and act like I didn't know what was going on, but thought better of it. "Well, I did talk to that Dr. or PA or whatever that prescribed it and that's what she said. I don't know what I should do about it. It looks like I'm growing boobs."

"What can you do about it?"

"Well, she said if I stopped the treatment the swelling would go away... But my hair is responding nicely to the treatment, and that would go away as well."

She stroked my hair and smiled lovingly. "I really like your hair," she said.

I knew what she meant. She meant that my hair looked like a girl. That should have made me angry, but that smile... I'd do anything for that smile.

"I guess I shouldn't stop taking it then, huh?"