A Time of Purgatory

"Love me Tim. Please? Give me the child I want so much."

I was wrong when I described what we would do as 'sex'. It wasn't. We made Love. That first touch and the frisson that went through me as I took Jas in my arms changed my perception. It was old, but new. I knew her body so well, yet wherever I touched or kissed her it was a new and exciting form I touched and kissed. Her breasts slick with our perspiration seemed to reach out to me, demanding my mouth and my mouth took her breasts, sucking and licking the globes and pinnacles. Her thighs spread wide to ease my way into her body. I positioned myself and pressed forward, she sighed happily, reaching down to guide me as I entered her. I may have thought sub-consciously that she seemed quite tight but very wet. Had that registered with me before? I couldn't remember. Other things I did recall. The way she would cross her legs behind mine locking her ankles urging me deeper into her body, that I did remember. Then the shaking of her head as she approached a climax, so familiar yet new. Somehow as I thrust in and out she worked her legs one at a time upwards I had to balance on one arm then the other as she completed the process of bringing her legs up and over my shoulders, doubling her body up seeking to place my emission as deeply as possible. As she climaxed she cried.

"Tim! Tim!" I joined her in that rush to finish, emptying myself into her willing, eager womb.

We came down from our highs and automatically cuddled, kissing bruised lips, stroking wet thighs and flanks and breathing heavily into each others mouth, exchanging stale air one to the other, connecting with the very breath of our bodies. Jumbled recall of our loving before spontaneously brought words of love to my lips, but I choked them off. Jas placed pillows under her hips to raise her lower body.

"Got to make sure your love stays in there and gets to the right place." She looked at me, caressing my cheek. "Thank you Tim. I thought it may turn out to be very mechanical. You made it a loving experience."

"How could it not be? For just a short while the love came to the fore, soon the hurt will be back." I felt horrible about saying that, reminding her of the anger back then. But it did serve to prevent too many emotions from surfacing. Sorrow suffused her face.

"Is it still the same, Tim? Is the hurt still there?"

"I tell myself to forget and for quite a lot of the time I do. Yet when I relax in the evenings the heartache comes out of nowhere. The anger has mellowed though."

"I am so sorry, Tim. Almost every day I regret the actions I took. I tell myself to forget too, but every morning I wake up without you beside me and I remember once more and cry a little." That got to me.

"You shouldn't do that Jas." Why did I say that? I woke up every morning and sadness enveloped me as I realised that Jas wasn't beside me. This was stupid, I got up.

"Where are you going?"

"I thought I would get back. Things to do." Jas looked disappointed.

"I was hoping you would spend the night with me."

"Jas. I can't. Too many memories, too much pain." She shook her head.

"Tim, if you allow the memories and pain to take over they will always be in charge."

"Easy for you to say, Jas." I told her bitterly. "Remember! I was the one who came back to a home to find it just a house." Tears filled and overflowed her eyes, as I dressed and left.

I drove back to my flat slowly, not wanting to get anywhere in a hurry. Being somewhere meant making decisions but I couldn't make decisions until I knew the questions being asked. When I did finally get home I poured myself a whisky, a part of my mind telling me that if I found oblivion, then I wouldn't have to examine my actions nor the conflict. Oblivion didn't arrive. I did review my actions and didn't like what I found. It was half past eleven, but I phoned Jas anyway.

"Jas? Am I calling too late for you?"

"No it's alright Tim, I was unable to sleep."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? It's ok I said that I wasn't asleep."

"No. Not for that. I'm sorry for walking away like that. I promised you I would help, then went off in a huff and I don't really know why."

"It's ok Tim. I knew it would be stressful for both of us, making love after all these years. I have to thank you though for making it so good for me, but then you always did. I realised when you had gone that expecting you to stay the night was asking a little too much."

"Do you want to carry on?"

"Do you Tim?"

"I think so. You want a baby, I would rather it was me who donated the sperm, than another man." I heard a sharp intake of breath. Then I realised what I had said. Her voice was steady when she replied.

"Thank you Tim. I shall never stop loving you, you know. I know that the hurt I caused will keep us apart, but love has little to do with that. Love just happens and you can't help yourself."

"I'll see you tomorrow evening then?"

"Yes. Tomorrow evening."

I stayed with Jas the following night. Waking up with her was Deja-vu. Seeing her lovely face, smiling at me, sharing the same pillow our bodies clasped tightly together. She moved just six inches and pressed her lips against mine.

"Good morning My darling. Did you sleep well?" I stretched languorously.

"I did, thank you. Did you?" She smiled.

"I had a good night, although I possibly didn't sleep as well as you. Do you know you snore a little now?"

"Me! Snore? No way."

"Oh it's not a loud snore, just a little grumble from time to time. It's quite comforting in a way. Reminds me that you are here with me."

"As long as it takes for you to conceive."

"Exactly." She was serious. "Tim, I won't lie to you. I could forget on purpose to tell you when I conceive, and get you to make love to me for weeks, or months. I won't do that." She giggled. "Even you would think it odd when I started to get this bug lump in front." She made the shape with her hands following an imaginary swelling. I laughed as well. "The moment I conceive I will tell you, and let you go again." I hadn't thought of that.

"I appreciate your honesty, Jas. But I suspect at this moment it's too early for you to know if you have got pregnant." I pulled her to me. "Shall we?" Jas smiled happily.

"Oh yes Tim."

I wasn't as blind as those who will not see. I had given this a lot of thought and believed I saw what Jas's strategy was. I examined my feelings, strangely it did not upset me. At first it did. But now being with Jas seemed so normal and right, as it should be. My understanding her scheme made me a little stronger. I decided to play along but acting like an innocent.

Jas did not conceive that weekend, so the plan was to wait until the next time she ovulated. Well that was the plan. I took to going round to see her often. Funnily I could put the pain of her mistrust to one side. We did talk about what happened, yet without the anger and bitterness. It was quite interesting. I told her about the girl who had phoned her, explaining what she appeared to have believed. Jas was a spitting fury for some time and then with her anger done was remarkably calm about it.

"Poor girl. Mind you she had good taste if she fixated on you." I could not be so sanguine.

"Poor girl! Without her interference we would not be divorced now."

"I know." Jas was gong to say something then changed her mind.

"Go on Jas, Say it. I am not seething at the moment. I'll not jump down your throat." She smiled wickedly.

"There is part of you I would welcome down my throat."

"Jas!" She grinned for just a moment. Her face became serious as she returned to the question she wanted to ask.

"Have you been with any other woman Tim? I wouldn't blame you if you had. We are divorced after all, and you are a free man."

"As you are a free woman."

"A divorced woman, yes. Free? No."

"In what way?" I asked. Jas looked sadly at me.

"I am not, nor ever have been free of you Tim. I could not have gone on a date or even thought for a moment of going to bed with another man." That should have stunned me, but somehow I knew that. I cleared my throat.

"Your question. The answer is no." Jas was confused then understood I was replying to her question. She was surprised.

"No one?"

"No. You divorced me Jas. I didn't want to be divorced from you. But accepted it as I believed you had found someone else. The thought of you giving yourself to another man haunted me for months. The despondency I felt put any question of another relationship out of the question. Later I was persuaded to start dating again. It was terrible at first, I had forgotten how to even start talking to other women. I did go out with some, and yes one or two of them invited me to sleep with them. I would have agreed, but my mind kept reminding of you and I knew that I couldn't make love to any other woman but you." Jas was crying, tears streaming down her face. I went and sat with her, found a tissue and tried to wipe her eyes. It didn't work, as fast as I wiped more tears flowed. Jas sobbed, shaking with emotion. I put my arms round her, and she leant into me, my shirt now became the medium to soak up her tears.

"I am sorry." She choked. "So, so sorry." She took the soaked tissue from me and tried to wipe her eyes. Finding that the tissue had no absorbency left, she looked around. I found my handkerchief and offered it to her. She took it and wiped her eyes, drying the tears although there seemed to be plenty yet to fall.

"You didn't sleep with any of these women?" I shook my head. A small smile teased her lips.

"No. They were nice ladies, and didn't deserve to be messed around by me, when I couldn't commit to them."

"So the other weekend, that was the first time since we made love the last time." I nodded.

"Yes."

"I am so glad it was with me, and I with you." There was silence then. Anything that I said could have led to a topic I was not ready to address. I could not, would not, avoid it for long. But at this moment I had no desire to broach that subject. Jas sniffed, a prelude to more tears.

"I really did bugger everything up, didn't I?"

CHAPTER NINE. A TIME OF PURGATORY

An end or a beginning

Jas's next fertile time fell midweek, so staying overnight would have been difficult unless I brought my business clothes over to her flat. Jas, as always persuaded me that I should do that, pointing out that that driving home late at night, only to get up in time for work the next day would leave me short on sleep. I did agree to do as she suggested as I usually started my day at eight, an hour before the office staff started work and the phones began ringing. It gave me a peaceful time to read the Representative's daily reports, assess the performance and plan.

So I arrived just before seven with a small bag and a suit carrier. I hung my suit in her wardrobe. Jas was beside herself with glee. She didn't say anything, but I knew it made her happy and understood why. My clothes in her wardrobe? I smiled inwardly. To her it was a sign that things were getting back to where they should be.

Jas had got home from work about five-thirty. She had a meal in preparation, and after hanging my clothes up I joined her in the kitchen.

"Smells good." She smiled happily.

"Yes. Chicken in white wine, with Aubergines and Chalots. Served on a bed of rice. Healthy and not too fattening." She looked sideways at me. "I noticed Tim, that you are getting a couple of Love Handles. Your new job has you sitting down too much. Perhaps joining a Gym would help?" I grinned. She put her hand to her mouth as if she could push back the words her eyes opened wide in shock.

"Sorry. I have no right to say that."

"Why not?"

"Only a wife should scold her husband. I am not your wife."

"No. That's true." I left it there. That wasn't quite a subtle as Jas usually framed her emotional darts. I was amused but didn't show it. Again that would be a conversation that I was not prepared for at the moment. Everything she said reinforced my thoughts. I knew what Jas's intrigue was all about. She may play me like a fool but I wasn't as obtuse as she possibly thought. We would discuss this, but only when I was good and ready. In the meantime I was enjoying the game, the various subtle hints she dropped into our conversation and the frustration she must have felt when seemingly I didn't understand them.

That night our loving was different. I had accepted the idea that we would be together again, examining the notion from all angles and finding that I found not flaws but positives. Our conversations had been illuminating and the hurt was relegated to the background. I could live with it more easily with Jas in my life, than without her. I also understood the pain she had suffered. Self inflicted yet still just as painful. With that realisation I was able to commit myself fully to our love-making. It showed. I pushed harder into Jas than ever before, it was obviously to her liking as she encouraged me vocally.

"Yes, Tim. Like that...harder...God your so deep in me...It's wonderful." My sweat dripped copiously, dropping on her face, she licked around her mouth to savour my perspiration, and I shared the salty fluid with her, with my tongue pushed as deeply into her mouth as I could. Biting my lips to keep from climaxing had some effect, but Jas had no such inhibitions. Climaxing a couple of times with screams of delight. She urged me to finish, and as my breathing became more erratic she told me to fill her.

"Do it, my darling. Fill me, my womb awaits your sperm. Fill me sweet man, give me your child."

I could feel my face and neck becoming suffused with blood, and strangulated veins standing out. I was breathing in great gouts of air, which didn't seem to exhale. Then the throbbing in my groin accelerated beyond endurance and suddenly I was spurting my essence deep into Jas's willing and eager womb. Spurt after spurt, wrung from my loins, each one weakening me as it left my body, until at last I collapsed exhausted on to Jas. She held me tight, even when I moved to roll off her.

"No! Stay there please." It took some time for my breathing to return to normal. I raised my head and shoulders, Jas asked wordlessly for a kiss, and out tongues fought for possession of each other's mouth.

Eventually I rolled to lay by her side, and she cuddled into me.

"That was baby-making." She declared. A while later Jas murmured in my ear.

"Now you know why I could never let another man have me. You were awesome, Stud!"

I was away on business the first part of the next week, returning to the office on Thursday. Pippa had left a pile of messages for me to deal with, but one message she had to deliver in person.

"Jas phoned." She seemed curious, I hadn't said anything to her about having contact with Jas. "She said to give you a message. Her words were Mission accomplished. Now do I have to read anything into that?" I grinned at her.

"Well it's not a mystery. It means that Jas is pregnant." A look of concern and sadness crossed her face.

"Oh no. I had always hoped that you and Jas would get together again. Oh Tim. I am so sorry." The smile on my face confused her.

"Pippa." I said gently. "The baby is mine." Pippa sat down, questions galore were obviously bursting to be aired. It seemed better that I explained the situation in one, rather than go through a lengthy question and answer session.

"Jas called me. She wanted a child and asked me if I would agree to be the father. As she said the child would be something of me for her to cling on to. She assured me that she would make no claim on me and when she conceived she would not ask to see me again. Like I was born yesterday! I was well aware that Jas was trying to find a way for us to be together again. Well, I thought about it long and hard and I find little reason now not to get back together. There's quite a few reasons in favour and little against. The anger has gone, but the pain still gets to me from time to time. I believe that being with Jas will be a very effective pain relief. I haven't let on to her yet, but her not so subtle manoeuvring will work." Pippa's face was wreathed with smiles.

"Tim, that is the best news I have heard in years. You were so right for one another. The world was out of balance with you two apart. It was obvious that you still loved her. When are you going to tell Jas?"

"I'll phone her tonight, and suggest we go out for a meal to celebrate. I shall probably tease her a lot at first then eventually I will ask if she wants us to be together." Pippa laughed.

"Yes. And I can just see her saying no. If she did there would be pork in the sky by morning."

Jas was very happy to go out and celebrate. I booked a good restaurant, for that Friday evening, making certain that they gave us a quiet, discreet table and asked to make sure there was a good bottle of Champagne available should I call for it.

I called for Jas at seven-thirty. She came down to the door and I saw a vision. Her dress was the LBD, that all women rely on, but on Jas it achieved its greatest impact. She had her hair done. Her Ash Blonde tresses had darker lowlights of Auburn, and hung softly to just above her shoulders, curling under at the ends to frame her face. High-heeled strappy sandals lifted her to almost my height. But the smile, that million watt smile of her's that caught my eyes and would never let them go.

She bubbled with delight as we ate the meal. For the life of me I cannot remember what I had ordered, it was Jas's smile and her contagious happiness that stayed in my memory. We were drinking coffee, when the smile slowly faded from her face.

"Is that it? Tim. We had an agreement. You got me pregnant, and I would let you go again. Thank you Tim. I'll stand by my word and won't make a fuss. But tell me honestly my darling. Did you not find even a little of the love we had together?"

"Jas. Yes we did have an agreement, and I want you to honour your side of the bargain." She nodded slowly, and I could see tears glisten in her eyes.

"Yes. Ok Tim. I'll finish my coffee and I'll get them to call me a taxi. I will not ask you to drive me home It would be too sad." She got up to leave, then I cleared my throat and called her back.

"Jas, you're doing it again." She stopped and looked at me in puzzlement.

"Sorry. What am I doing again."

"Walking away without discussion." She sat down again.

"I thought we had finished talking. I agreed to honour my side and you said you would hold me to my promise."

"But I, Jas, will not honour my side." Jas was puzzled.

"You have Tim."

"Yes, you are pregnant. And you say you will let me walk away, that was the agreement. But we have to talk about child care, where you are going to live, how you are going to live, there is quite a lot to discuss. I don't think that I can honour my side by walking away."

"But that's my side of the bargain Tim. I will look after our baby." I sighed theatrically.

"Jas. Do you really think that I was taken in by this scheme of yours? All the innuendo and sly comments? You must think I am stupid not to have realised what you were up to. And you are still at it. You said 'our' baby. Well you're right. It is our baby." The dear sweet woman was looking decidedly sheepish.

"I'm sorry about all of that. I hoped I could get you to think about us, how we were, how loving we were, how good it was when we were together. I hoped that somehow we could see more of each other, perhaps re-discover the love we had. I'm sorry Tim. I didn't mislead you, I did really want your child. The rest was just a dream really." She made to get up again. I put my hand over the table and took her hand in mine.

"Jas. You aren't listening. I said it is our baby. I intend to be fully involved in bringing up our child, and the next one if you want another. My darling and most beloved Jas, your plan worked. I don't want to go through life without you. The pain goes away when I am with you." I pulled out the items I had put in my pocket when I left my flat earlier this evening. "You are most forgetful, Jas. You left these behind." I turned her hand over and laid in her palm the engagement ring and the wedding ring I had put on her finger all those years ago. She looked up. The bright light in her eyes was magnified by the loom of tears. She looked at me and that million watt smile suddenly blinded me.