Amy and Brian Ch. 04

"That's great Cat, it's a wonderful opportunity for you," replied Brian. And it was; Children's Hospital of Philadelphia was one of the top ranked pediatric hospitals in the country.

Still, Brian also knew what this meant; he would no longer be seeing Cat around the halls here anymore. Though they had largely avoided any real conversations in the past six months (it was best for both of them as he figured out things), it was still a comfort to see her smiling face on a daily basis.

It was hard for Cat to leave as well; she was still hopelessly in love with Brian Harris. She was sure of it; their time apart had only strengthened the feeling. But he was giving his marriage one last attempt, and he had kids; it just wasn't written in the stars for them.

So rather than torturing herself looking at him every day (and she had noticed he was spending longer hours here recently), she decided to move on. And the opportunity at Children's was too good to pass up, she loved working with kids and this gave her a chance to do that.

"I just wanted to thank you, for everything," Cat said. Both knew she was talking about more than just workplace mentoring. "I'll never forget you. Maybe give me a call sometime?"

"I would like that," Brian said with a sad smile. In that moment, he wanted to tell her so many things. That deep down he knew it wasn't going to work with Amy; that he just needed some time to break the news to his kids; that he had feelings for her, and wanted to figure out what they meant; to wait for him.

But none of this would have been fair, because he knew he still couldn't promise her a when. He couldn't ask her to wait for him. So instead, he got up from his chair and gave her a hug; in his mind likely the last one he would ever give her.

Cat held on to that hug, longer than what would be seen as appropriate for a departing work colleague, but Brian's door was closed. "You're an amazing man, Brian," Cat said as she finally broke the hug and moved to leave, "Always remember that." With that, Cat walked out of his life.

Brian slumped in his chair, with tears in his eyes. 'Have I just let the best thing to happen to me walk out the door,' he thought as he wiped his eyes. But he didn't have much time to think about it; he had to pick up his two sons and take them to an overnight party at one of their friends' house.

His daughter would also be out with friends until later, leaving Amy and Brian to eat alone, likely in silence again. They went through these periods, almost like they were afraid to say anything to each other, for fear of what might come out. Over the last nine months, they had spent innumerable hours in counseling, talking through their issues. At times, they would make progress; they even spent several long weekends at their shore house, like they had been planning to before their world came crashing down.

In the end, though, it would always come back to the fact that Brian's trust in Amy had been completely broken, and he didn't see a way to fix that. Amy slowly saw this as well; she could feel Brian pulling away from her again, especially in the last few weeks. Instead of it getting better it was getting worse.

The kids felt it too, for the most part it seemed like the only reason their parents stayed together was because of them. While that made them happy at the start, they could tell no progress was being made to fix their parents' problems. And while kids want their parents to stay together, they don't want to be the only reason they stay together.

Amy knew this as well. As she sat with her husband that night, she came to a final realization. It was something she had known for a while now, but couldn't bring herself to put voice to it. Finally, she decided this silent dinner would their last.

"It's not going to work out, is it Brian?" she said to her husband as they finished. "You're not going to ever be able to forgive me, to be my husband again?"

Brian thought for a long time. With a sigh, he gathered up his courage and spoke the truth out loud, finally. "No, I've tried Amy, I really did, but I can't get past it. I don't think I ever will."

"I don't blame you; I know I acted horribly," Amy said with sadness. "I'm still coming to terms with everything I did myself. But I don't want you to stay with me out of obligation; it's not fair to anyone, you, me or the kids."

"So what does this mean?" asked Brian.

"I think it's time we stopped fooling ourselves," Amy replied. "Our marriage is broken and can't be fixed. It's all my fault, but maybe the best thing now is to move on with our lives, be there for our kids, and try to become friends again."

Brian saw a lot of the Amy he had loved in that moment; not enough to change things, but enough to let go of the anger, the hate, and begin to forgive. She was the mother of his three children; and Brian still thought of her as a good person, just one who was human and made terrible mistakes.

He very much wanted to work on being friends with her, on being a co-parent with her. But he couldn't stay married to her. As he realized this, his thoughts turned quickly to another woman, who a few hours ago he felt had left his life forever.

Amy picked up on this. "There's someone else, isn't there?" Amy said quietly. "The woman from work you spent time with after everything happened."

"Yeah," Brian said simply.

"Do you love her?" Amy asked, as she began to cry.

"I don't know," Brian answered truthfully. "She was there for me, in my darkest moment, she helped me, more than she knows. I have feelings for her; I guess I want to see where they might lead now."

Amy was heartbroken to hear this, but not surprised. You can always tell when someone else has captured the heart you once owned completely. She couldn't stand in Brian's way; he deserved a chance to live his life again.

"At least we're finally being honest with each other," she said as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue. "You need to do what you think will make you happy, Brian. After everything, that's all I ever want for you."

"Thank you Amy, I want you to be happy too," Brian replied. "But there's someplace I need to be now. We can explain everything tomorrow to the kids. I'll help you through that; I don't want them to hate you."

"They should hate me, but I want them so much to love me again, to trust me," Amy replied. "Your help is more than I can ask for, more than I deserve."

"You're still their mother at the end of the day; they'll remember that," Brian said as he hugged Amy.

"Go," she said, even as she held on to the hug as long as she could. "Just make sure this woman can make you happy."

With that, Brian left for the night. Amy tried to take her mind off everything; her daughter Kelly would be back soon, and she wanted to hold it together for her, at least for tonight. Of all her children, Kelly was the most understanding and forgiving; somewhat ironically, thought Amy, as she had been the same age as Kelly and couldn't forgive her father for what he'd done.

The boys were having a much harder time with it, particularly Johnny, who was the youngest and was extremely close to his father. Amy had a lot of work to do to win their trust, their love back, but she was determined to make it her #1 priority now.

As she waited for her daughter, Amy pulled out a photo album, her wedding album. Brian looked so happy on that day, feeling with all his heart that he had met the person he would spend the rest of his life with. Amy looked at herself in the pictures, and she also looked very happy. And she was; she never regretted marrying Brian that day.

But she began to think of all that she had done to ruin things, especially with the man she saw to Brian's left, his best man. If she could go back and talk to that woman, that girl, she would warn her about so much to come and try to stop her from making those mistakes. But she couldn't do that; nothing could fix her broken marriage now.

Amy began to sob as she looked through the pictures; at this point her daughter came home. Kelly's heart went out to her Mom; yes she was still angry at her, but she could see her Mom needed someone to show her some kindness right now. She reached out and gave her a hug.

"It's OK, Mom, don't cry," Kelly said as she put her arms around Amy.

"Your father and I, we..." it was all Amy could get out in the moment, but it was enough for Kelly to realize what it meant.

"We'll get through it, Mom, together, as a family. Now the healing can begin," Kelly said softly. "As Dad likes to say, one day at a time."

Amy wondered how her daughter had gotten so wise; probably traumas like these made little girls grow up quickly into young women. Amy wished she had her daughter's strength when she was her age. She continued to cry in her daughter's arms until she calmed down.

"Are you hungry?" she asked Kelly. "Why don't I make you something to eat?" In that moment, Amy began the long process of becoming a Mom again.

A few miles away, Brian knocked on a familiar door, his heart beating a mile a minute. The woman who opened it looked much like she did when he first knocked on it, in her pajamas with no makeup on. Cat looked at him with a mixture of confusion and hope.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date with me tomorrow?" Brian asked, holding the $5 bouquet he bought at Wawa on the way over here.

Cat broke into a huge smile, and jumped into his arms, kissing him all over his face again. There was a lot to figure out in the coming days, months, and hopefully years, but both wanted to that together now.

Back at the Harris home, Amy began to ponder her life now, a life without Brian officially. Her kids had to be her first thought, she desperately wanted to rebuild her relationship with them. But, she realized, in order to do that, to ask them to let go of their hatred for her, she had to let go of her own hatred for someone else.

She picked up the phone and dialed a number in Florida. "Dad, it's Amy. I know it's been a while, but do you have some time to talk?"

EPILOGUE

FIVE YEARS LATER

Amy sat in the high-school football stadium, in the front row, waiting for her daughter's high school graduation ceremony to begin. Her two boys made their way to sit with her, mumbling all the way. But now, it wasn't because they were angry with their mother; they were just upset about having to wear suits on this humid June day.

Slowly, over the last five years, Amy had put the pieces of her shattered life back together. First, she rebuilt her relationship with her children. It had not been easy; the boys, Johnny especially, had taken a long time to come around. But as he promised, Brian helped her through this, reminding them that you only have one mother in this world and urging them to forgive her. Eventually, they began to see how much they loved her, and needed her, and began to move forward.

As time went by, she talked about what had happened, and how bad she felt for her behavior. She talked about her father and what he did, and how she couldn't forgive him but now was trying to. And she was; she spent a week with him in Florida and even invited him up to spend time with the kids.

They probably could never completely rebuild the bridge between them, but her father was getting older and she wanted to have some kind of relationship with him after all these years. The example she set also helped her children to forgive her.

Though there was still one secret she kept; the parentage of Johnny remained a secret only a select few knew about. Amy had spent so much time rebuilding things with Johnny; she didn't want to blow it up again. He was only 13 right now, and going through the typical troubles of a young adult. They would tell him, but probably after he turned 18. She would do it together with Brian, who promised Amy he would be there to help everyone through it and assure Johnny that he would always be his son, their son.

Amy had returned to her nursing job after the divorce. She did home health care check-ups on patients just released from the hospital. It kept her busy, and was flexible enough to allow her to spend time with her kids. She hadn't really dated much in the last 5 years, and didn't have a real desire to; she was focused on her family and job and couldn't think of much else.

Recently, she had met a man, about her age and recently divorced. She had been taking care of his father and they hit it off, talking about their lives. Ironically, this man had also ruined his marriage through affairs; in a lot of ways they saw their burgeoning relationship as a way to fix the mistakes of the past. But they were talking it slowly, very slowly; neither had met the others' children yet.

At that moment Brian arrived, with his second wife, who was heavily pregnant with their first child. Cat looked beautiful as always, and the boys were happy to see her. And to be honest, as hard as she tried, Amy couldn't hate her; she was sweet and nice, and Cat always made sure Amy's kids looked at her more as a friend than a second mother.

Amy was not 100% sure if Cat was the women Brian had mentioned, that had helped him through things in those awful early days, but it seemed obvious. In the end, she was glad to see Brian happy, even if it wasn't with her.

Brian and Cat sat down in between Amy and the kids. Despite everything, it wasn't really awkward when they were together. Sure, they would probably never totally be friends, but Cat and Amy had a lot of common things in their life, things that bonded them. They worked similar jobs, and both of them loved the same people.

Brian and Amy had long ago reached the point where they considered themselves friends. Despite it all, they still had three kids and many years of memories together; it was hard to throw those away, and to be honest, neither wanted to. There would always be feelings, a sense of kinship between them that would never go away.

"Kelly looks beautiful, like her mother," Brian said to her with a smile, as they watched their daughter walk into the stadium to Pomp and Circumstance.

"Thank you Brian, for everything..." Amy started.

"Shh..the ceremony is about to start," Brian said with a wink. As far as he was concerned, Amy had made her penance a long time ago, he just wished she could see that completely as well. He was proud of how she rebuilt her life over the last few years.

Brian turned and smiled at his wife, who was happily taking pictures of his daughter and joking with his sons. He could never thank Cat enough for everything she had done for him, for making him complete again. When he first met her, he never would have thought he'd be here, married to her and about to have a child together. But for all he went through, he was happy in this moment, surrounded by the most important people in his life.

He thought briefly of his former friend Chris, as he did from time to time. They were no longer in contact, but he wished him no ill will, at least anymore. From their mutual friends, he understood that Chris and Liz were still together, and if they could figure out a way to rebuild their marriage, he wasn't one to judge.

As far as he knew, Liz never did try to contact Amy; there were things that were probably too painful, as she said when he was at their house. And honestly, though he wished him well, Brian had no desire to see Chris either, so he understood her thinking.

He realized he may have to at some point; both he and Amy knew they could not keep their one last secret from Johnny forever. Maybe it was unfair, and they were still holding a big secret, but they both came to the conclusion that Johnny would be able to understand it better when he was an adult.

But both also knew he deserved to know; it had to be his decision on what to do with that information, and whether he wanted to have some kind of relationship with Chris. Still, they wanted Johnny to enjoy his childhood while he could; he had already dealt with so much. Whatever happened, they would go through it together, as a family.

But he didn't want to think of painful memories right now. As his daughter went up to the stage to receive her diploma, Brian put one arm around his pregnant wife and the other around his ex-wife. Both leaned in to him crying, but for different reasons.

They were truly a modern family, like the title of the TV show. As they made their way onto the field to be with Kelly, Brian realized that despite everything he went through, he still thought of himself as a very lucky guy.

Amy felt that way too; despite all she had done, she had her family back. Maybe not in quite the way she hoped or wanted, but they were with her nonetheless.

And they all hoped they would be together now going forward. After everything this family had been through they all deserved a measure of happiness. As they congratulated the oldest Harris child on meeting a milestone of adulthood, everyone hoped there would be many more happy times in the future.

THE END