Confessions at the Dinner Table

In answer to another question, she and Pete looked at each other and laughed, "At first it was a bit awkward, but we'd already been shagging like rabbits for a couple of weeks, more so once I left the boat, so it was just the embarrassment of being in the same room as someone else, once we'd done it the first time, we almost forgot he was there."

Priya asked the question we were all thinking, "So what was the total bill? What was your price?"

Some smart phone googling and table-top maths followed before Kevin gave a figure of four hundred and fifty pounds, adjusted for inflation to today's rate Judy was pronounced to be worth eight hundred pounds a night, so the same as Patrycja, and as he's an accountant we believed him.

Of course, once Judy had come out with that revelation enthusiasm for the murder mystery seemed to fade, Anabelle tried to reinvigorate things by reading out the will, Big Jake was leaving his worldly goods to the one woman he'd ever loved Miss Verity Murtaugh, the schoolteacher, with the proviso that when their daughter was found she was to get half.

Doctor Koenig revealed he had delivered the baby and taken her off to live with a poor family in Louisiana, where they'd had all their possessions swindled away by Slick Willy the gambler.

Young Jake had been in prison for trying to hire someone to kill Big Jake as he expected to inherit the entire ranch.

We ran through the plot at a rate of knots so we could go back to being shocked at Judy's story. It was while she was fielding more requests for detail with an enigmatic smile and a shake of the head that Toby piped up with "So what about if money doesn't come into it?"

As a single entity everyone's head swivelled in his direction, he looked at Anabelle as if asking for permission. She giggled a bit and with her hand to her mouth said "Well, it's up to you. It was before I knew you so nothing to do with me. I'm sure no one will judge you; you perv. I'm going to get dessert ready."

Pete was sitting across the table from Toby and threw a breadcrumb at him, "Well come on mate, Mrs S has dished the dirt on our sordid exploits, ow sorry babe, not sordid, exotic, your turn."

Toby looked as if it didn't seem like such a clever idea anymore and tried to get away with a quiet "Well, it was a long time ago and I don't regret it. She was very kind."

No one was going to accept that one as a get out, so with a degree of faux reluctance Toby began.

"By coincidence it was my Gap year trip as well. I was in New Zealand; I'd been working on a fruit farm near Nelson for a couple of weeks and was heading towards Wellington for a few days on the lash with some mates I'd met earlier on my trip. I stayed in the Youth Hostel in Napier for the first night and was sitting in the common room when a Canadian girl named Janice asked if anyone was travelling to Wellington and if so, could she hitch with them.

Well, one she was quite hot and two hitching with a girl is often a lot easier than solo, couples get picked up quite quickly, less threatening I suppose. We got dropped off on the main road then our next ride took us off the beaten track a bit, so we were stuck for around thirty minutes on a small country road.

We pretty soon exhausted the potential of I Spy, throwing stones at road signs and who had the worst hitching story, I led with being picked up by a bunch of stoners in a stolen Holden and getting arrested by the traffic cops, she won with getting a lift off a bunch of young farmers who were all but immobile through drink, when they discovered she wasn't going to put out and couldn't drive a manual minibus she got dumped on the side of the road around five miles outside Hamilton and had to walk into town, getting there too late for the Youth Hostel and sleeping in the bus station.

Just as the prospect of walking was looking like a real danger a battered Ute pulled up with a Polynesian woman driving, she was around five years older than both me and Janice with curly afro hair and a pleasant smiling face, she was wearing dungarees with a cut down T shirt. The Ute had a bench seat so we could all fit in side by side, I heaved the two rucksacks into the back while she introduced me to her two dogs, big woolly GSDs that seemed friendly enough but with that air of 'Don't take liberties if you want to keep your face attached.'

Janice had already climbed in the passenger door, and I was about to follow her when the driver walked up and slammed it shut telling me it needed a good shove to close it and I should get in the other side, so I did and shuffled across next to Janice. The driver hopped in, and we set off, she introduced herself as Alpha, I don't think it was her real name but it's what she wanted us to call her, so we did. She was on the way home from a party the night before, it must have been some party because it was nearly two in the afternoon, and she claimed to have only woken up an hour earlier.

I think she must have still been on something because she started telling us about the party in graphic detail, she'd had sex in a back room with one guy who had then asked if she'd have sex with his mate, Rotty. Rotty, it turned out had a wooden leg, which apparently was a deal breaker when he took it off. In her words it freaked her out but if he kept his trousers on, she'd give him a blowjob.

She then announced that she was getting horny again and would Janice mind if she tried me out, Janice didn't really know what to say, she sort of blustered and stammered a bit, then asked me how I felt about it. I coughed a bit and said I was cool with it, by which time Alpha's hand was delving into my trousers. She pulled over and parked in a field behind some trees then pulled my trousers down and started giving me a blowjob.

It was cramped in the front of the Ute, so Janice tried to open the door to get out, but it was jammed shut so she tapped Alpha on the back of the head to attract her attention. Alpha agreed to open the door if Janice took over while she walked round to let her out. I swear to God, it's all true. The one and only time I've had sexual contact with two women on the same occasion.

It ended with me screwing Alpha on the driver's seat while Janice watched then Alpha drove into the next town and dropped us off. Janice didn't seem worried about travelling together afterwards but nothing more happened between us."

There was a ripple of amusement round the table, a mix of impressed sounds and ridicule for being so shallow, Impressed sounds mainly guys, ridicule mainly girls. Toby passed another couple of wine bottles round and Anabelle insisted we return to the murder mystery temporarily at least.

So...Marek, Doctor Koenig, asked me about the incident in Baton Rouge, I revealed that I'd known Slick Willy in a different life when I'd worked on the River Boats, after some pointed questions from Annie Comfort it was revealed I'd been a dancer, and maybe more, in the casinos, my name had been good time Clemmie. Slick Willy had stolen my money and jewellery and skipped town.

Doctor Koenig then revealed that this was the second time Slick Willy had ruined my life, he was the one who swindled my family out of all their money when I was a child leading my adopted parents to die in poverty and me to working in the dance halls as a teenager. I'd never met Slick Willy when he'd swindled my parents, so he was able to come back and work his way into my affections to get the last of my mother's jewels and all my money.

What it also meant was that I was the illegitimate daughter of Big Jake and Miss Verity....cue the Eastenders music.

Miss Verity had been keeping a watchful eye on me all my life, when she spotted Slick Willy in town, she sent the anonymous letter to alert me as to his whereabouts. Suddenly I was the main suspect, with Big Jake dead I stood to inherit half the ranch.

Snake Laramie was recovering from being bashed on the head when big Jake was murdered, Brewster De La Fontaine had some mysterious hold over Chief Wild Bear, who was hinted at having an intimate relationship with Myrtle, finally Jane Tennesseeson and Doctor Koenig confessed their love for each other.

Anabelle gathered the plates back in and we sat round finishing the wine while she bustled round the kitchen finalising dessert.

Priya and Kapil had their heads together and with a giggle she sat round to face everyone.

"My husband had a very vanilla life before he met me, you know the cliché about Indian families? Work hard to become a doctor or lawyer? Well, he lived it 100%, right up until he met me. He worked hard, got into Manchester University, and studied medicine then got a job as a Houseman at Bristol Royal Infirmary.

This was back when I shared a flat with Nicola and Miranda," We all knew Nicola, if she and her husband Chris hadn't been off doing something glamorous in California, they'd probably have been with us as well. Miranda I'd met once, she'd gone back to Ireland and married a farmer I think, I know she had more children than the rest of us combined and spent the evening I met her downing biblical quantities of Gin and Orange.

Priya continued. "Kapil was flatmates with Simon, Miranda's boyfriend at the time and came along to one of our parties with some girl, I think her name was Charlotte. OK, I know her name was Charlotte. Blonde hair, long legs. Your basic nightmare scenario, right girls?

Thing is Kapil turned up with this blonde witch and I took one look and was smitten. I'd just split with a guy named Matt, he was an accountant but wanted to give it all up and went off to Bali to learn to surf and write travelogues.

A day or so later I got Miranda to arrange with Simon to sneak me into their flat. I hid in Simon's room; Miranda had checked the duty roster and I knew Kapil was off and miss blondie was on nights. At around 1am I tiptoed out to the bathroom, took all my clothes off and stashed them in a Tesco bag then sneaked into Kapil's room and slipped into bed next to him.

He woke up and, what was it you said darling?"

Kapil laughed, claiming not to remember. She continued, "He asked if I was there between patients, and tried to turn the light on, I shushed him and stopped him then showed him a good time. Twice. Then again in the morning."

I called her out, "No way. In the dark at first, he wouldn't know it wasn't Charlotte the witch, but once you spoke surely, he'd recognise it wasn't her voice."

Priya mumbled something, Kapil poked a finger in her side and tickled. "Come on, speak up, tell the nice people what you just said."

As you can probably guess from her name Priya comes from an Indian English family and has quite a dark complexion, right then she went from coffee brown to bright red in embarrassment.

"I said my voice was muffled because my mouth was full." Whoops went round the table, so much so that Anabelle came rushing out to find out what was going on.

Judy announced "Priya trapped Kapil with her stealthy ninja blowjob skills." Anabelle looked at Kapil, "And you didn't notice? Just how damn stealthy is she?"

He shrugged, "At the time I thought it was my girlfriend, when I worked out it wasn't I thought it might be a dream, then I realised it was a better idea to shut up and let her have her way with me.

When we woke up in the morning, she blackmailed me into going out with her by having sex with me again. What could I do?" he put on a comedy accent "I was just a poor little Indian boy lost in the big city."

With tears rolling down her cheeks Anabelle returned to the kitchen and called Toby in to help carry, appearing with steaming chocolate volcanoes with two containers of cream. The atmosphere was already fairly charged so there were several comments of 'lovely jugs Annie' which set us all off again.

Anabelle was fighting a losing battle but insisted we finish the game, and in short Chief Wild Bear and Myrtle were revealed to have been lovers for years, Snake and Doctor Koenig were revealed as being in a plot to do away with Brewster De La Fontaine, or General Brewster of the Confederate Army, who in the war had been responsible for wiping out most of their regiment in a sneak attack after the ceasefire.

The killer turned out to be...

(Imagine some dramatic music in this bit)

Prairie Flower, she'd killed Big Jake to allow her father, Chief Wild Bear and Myrtle to be together and to provide an alibi for Young Jake, her lover, if he was in jail when Big Jake was murdered, he couldn't have been behind it.

No one was interested any longer, and if we're honest we were only doing it to keep Anabelle happy. What we were more interested in was who was going to come out with the next confession.

Lucy was giving me a pleading look, I wondered if that was because she wanted to hear whatever I had buried in the depths of my younger self's debauchery or whether it was because she had something really juicy and didn't want to drop it into the conversation. I hesitated for similar reasons, the gods smiled on me, and Lucy broke first.

"It was while I was at Uni and I was in the Hockey team, we were fairly good, Louise Francis played in our first team, she went on to get a Bronze medal at the Rio games through having a German grandfather. We played in the southern counties league which corresponded quite well with the Rugby lads who played in one of the Southeast leagues. They had more money than us, so our fixture secretary volunteered to do the same job for them and arranged joint fixtures as far as possible, particularly on the Inter Uni competition.

Her logic, and I have to say it was impeccable, was that they had more money so would normally hire a luxury coach, if our club paid the difference we got to share for less than renting our own minibus.

Once the middle of the season came along we all knew each other fairly well, some a lot better than others," she broke the story to 'no comment' a few questions about Lucy and the rugby team, then continued. Particular scorn was reserved for the inevitable "who was the hooker" question.

"We'd travel away, both play our games, post-match meal and drinks then back home for tea and medals on the bus. As symbiotic arrangements went it worked well, we got a nice coach, they got our sparkling company.

Where it went a bit late night German TV was when we went down to Guildford to play Sporting Onslow. They were a relatively new club, mixed Hockey, Cricket, Rugby, and Athletics. They had a massive chip on their shoulders for a load of reasons. For instance: 1, we were students, and they were in the main older and didn't like losing to kids. 2, they were the poor relations to the University of Surrey teams who got all the sponsorship and governing body support locally. There'd been some nastiness a few years previously when one of our girls got a broken ankle that cost her a GB Skiing squad trial and complaints went in afterwards that got two of their players banned and the club suspended from competition for a season.

As normal we were going down ready for a nasty, niggly game with loads of cheap shots. The dislike between the teams extended to the Rugby team and Cricket as well apparently, but from talk around the league they didn't actually like anyone. They were a dirty nasty bunch, the stupid thing was they were quite good, and we didn't expect to do very well.

So, we went down there, on a monumentally cold wet and muddy Saturday, expecting a hiding and stuffed them six nil. The Rugby boys put thirty points on them as well, so we were all feeling quite good, more so when their water boy produced six bottles of port and our kit girl produced two bottles of Jägermeister. We all started rehydrating in the traditional manner as we took our boots off outside the changing rooms. All in all, things looked quite good.

Then the clubhouse manager came out and told us there was a problem with the showers and there was only one visitors set working, the one in the rugby team's changing room, oh and the hot water was in limited supply as well. The boys decided possession was the better part of the law and dived in, leaving us wet, muddy, cold, and getting merrier as the bottles emptied.

After ten minutes waiting outside a couple of the girls went and grabbed their kitbags and barged into the boys changing rooms. They called us all in so we stood there in the middle of the room tapping our toes and telling them to get a shift on.

The consensus seemed to be that they were not hurrying up for anyone and that if we wanted to join them in the communal shower we were welcome. The Jägermeister and Port combined to make that seem like a good idea at the time and there was a sudden flurry of clothing, and thirteen naked hockey girls were trying to share the shower with eighteen naked rugby boys. "

There were more inevitable jokes about "Were did you hang your towels" and "Where's the soap" but Lucy was on a roll and wasn't going to be distracted. Initially she tried to pretend she'd not been involved and had washed down in a hand basin, but no one believed her, and Colin dropped her in it by asking "So how big was that basin? Last time you told me this story it must have been big enough for at least two, maybe more."

The "maybe more" bit got a demand for more information, a demand that Lucy tried her hardest to "resist, but eventually she relented and went back to the story.

"If we'd not had all the Jägermeister and Port, chances are it would have been fairly uneventful, the boys were more shocked than we were when we first jumped in with them but they'd have pretty soon got used to having twenty-six boobs to look at and we'd all have just got showered and changed. However,...it's amazing what a bit of booze will do to inhibitions and boundaries.

I played right midfield and Nina, who was a bit taller than me, blonde, not quite Priya's nightmare scenario but getting that way, played left midfield, so we tended to work together on the pitch and were good friends off it. She had her eye on one of the boys and got me to help soap him down, and I mean ALL of him, you know what I mean? Pretty soon there was more of him to wash than when we started, quite a lot more as I recall." She allowed a dreamy smile to play across her face as she mentioned that last bit. That brought on more demands for information, but she wouldn't be drawn.

We drew our own conclusions and told her what those conclusions were, I asked which one of them ended up with him, which got another dreamy smile and a "not me." Priya waited until she was sipping her wine before asking, "Would he recognise your voice?" which came close to drowning poor Lucy as she spluttered on her drink, "No, I mean yes, I mean I did not inhale."

Anabelle asked who wanted coffee, tea or herbal and pointed Toby at the dessert plates to collect up as she went through to the kitchen to boil the kettle. He followed in a few minutes, arms balancing delicate plates and silver cutlery. I was closest to the door so grabbed hold of Anabelle's lovely jugs and took the back out, as I walked through the door a giggling Anabelle was about to kiss him and had her hand on his crotch.

"I, er, I ... where did you want these? I asked, awkwardly. Toby turned swiftly away from me, and a slightly flustered Anabelle pointed at the fridge "If there's anything left then in there otherwise leave them on the island." I looked in and took a judgement call, putting them down and almost running to the dining room.

Toby came back out and walked over to the sideboard, offering whisky, brandy, liqueurs or whatever we fancied. I went for a Drambuie; the sweetness would balance nicely against the bitterness of the black coffee I had coming. "In fact, Tobes, make it a large one and I'll give you a tale of my mis-spent youth" He handed me the bottle and said "Make it a good one then" which got a laugh but didn't change my mind on the story.