Daydreaming on Deck

Something that wouldn't distract her. Mainly because he had something important to discuss with her. Maybe there was someone she could meet.

***

Thursday morning, I woke up late, I waited for Linda to leave. We both had too much to drink with Logan last night. I tried to clear my head, I couldn't wait for the day to begin. I had an appointment.

Brrrring...

I picked up my phone, "Hello?"

"Hi, Sabrina, can I meet you at the salon today, I would like to meet Angela."

Logan knew what my answer would be. "Okay, I can't wait to see you later."

I stood, looking at my sorry reflection, I would feel and look so much better later. What was Linda going to say, with me dressed as a woman, ready to go out to dinner? She already agreed to go, she couldn't cancel now. There was no way I could be with Logan and not look sexy and glamourous, this was the only me he knew. She would now know that we had a completely different relationship than the one she assumed.

I decided I wouldn't worry about this now. It would have to be a surprise for her.

Last night, Linda had a great time, she talked to Logan about her problems at work, her credit cards, her 401K. She got it all out of her system. All the things she tells me and I daydream I drift away. She was so happy complaining, happy with dinner and the crazy drinks I was serving that she didn't mind me leaning into him, almost sitting on his lap. Kissing him before I went to get dessert. She thought it was great that we were getting along so well. She told him I needed a new friend, someone to hang out with. She wanted him to teach me how to drywall, put in an outlet, barbeque.

She was watching me in my short navy dress, stockings, and orange strappy heels. Did she really think we were bonding as men? Did she really expect me to wear denim and flannel? I wanted to wear something short, show off my legs, play with my long hair. I wanted him to find me prettier and more exciting than Linda. That was my plan all week and I think I achieved it.

"Linda, I was wondering if I could take the two of you out to dinner tomorrow. Someplace special, it's in Escondido. About ninety minutes away." He was hopeful, he leaned in, waited for her answer.

"Oh, okay, um what time?" She asked and looked at me, I had taken off my hairband, I was chewing on the end of it.

"Whenever you want. I can pick you up from work if you want, four?"

"Okay sounds great. I will be looking forward to it."

I truly hoped she would have a great time, I hoped she wouldn't focus on me. I hoped she had gotten so used to me in heels she wouldn't even notice anymore.

***

I was in my car, my hair down, slight makeup, wearing tight jeans and a sweater. I was outside of the salon, I brought flowers for the girls, I brought a bottle of wine for Angela, the woman who would work on my hair, the woman I told Logan about. The woman who I have met almost ten months ago. I would look different when I left today, I would feel more like myself. Linda wasn't going to be happy about it. I was nervous, I didn't want to leave the comfort of my car.

Knock, knock.

"Are you coming in honey?"

I jumped, I was daydreaming again. It was Angela. I got out and gave her a hug, my hands filled with presents and a shopping bag with my outfit.

The salon was quiet on Thursday afternoon, the girls were happy for someone to come in, they gathered around me and said hello. They always made me feel so good.

After Linda and I decided to change our lives, I scouted around for someplace to have my hair, nails, and legs done. Took me almost three months to narrow one down. One that was far enough away from the house so they wouldn't know Linda or any of her friends. I made four appointments before I actually walked through the door. I would cancel at the last minute, I would cancel while still in the parking lot. At night, I put cash in envelopes, dropped them in the mailbox with my name, and said I was sorry, I just couldn't do it. The fifth time one of the girls was outside the back of the shop, leaning against the building, she watched me park. I saw her walk over, I swallowed, I was going to leave again but now she was in front of me, in front of the car.

"Sabrina?

I opened the window a little more. "Mmm-mmm."

She put her hand through the little bit of opening I made. She took my hand. "I'm Angela, are you coming in today?"

"Mmm-mmm."

I was on the verge of tears. She helped me out, she held onto my arm, I wouldn't be able to run away. We walked into the store. She personally introduced me to everyone in the salon, even two of the customers. She took me to her big styling chair. I sat, I was nervous. She sat on a stool next to me. A younger girl brought over two glasses of wine and I smiled. Angela touched my hair, it was a wig, expensive but still a wig.

"Are we losing this today?"

"Mmm-mmm."

"Can I see what we have to work with?"

"Mmm-mmm."

I looked around, there was only one stylist and one older woman in this part of the salon, ignoring us. I took off my sunglasses, I took hold of my hair, I took off the wig. The long light blonde wig I always wore. Angela stood up and put her hands in my hair, messing it up, pulling it a little, checking in the mirror.

"Wonderful, it's so long, I am going to have some fun with this." She smiled at me in the mirror. She styled, she helped me with makeup, she pierced my ears. We made more appointments. Angela and two of the other girls walked me to the car.

Angela kissed my cheek, "Next time call when you are here I will come and get you."

They waved as I left, I pulled over two blocks away and cried. They were so nice, I was crazy for being so nervous. I should have saved all the nervousness for when I showed Linda my new look but surprisingly she didn't care, she told me I could wear a hat. A big one. The only thing she didn't like were the earrings.

***

Here I was, more than eight months later. In my favorite chair, with a bunch of women who knew my name, my size, my coloring.

"Angela, I'm ready for something new. Something a little drastic."

She stood behind me, looking in the mirror, smiling. She would never know how happy she made me months ago, how happy she was making me right now with her hands in my hair. But soon I would tell her. First I showed her a picture of me in my white dress in Bordeaux, France, years ago. I was so heavy, my wig was always a mess. My dress was an off-the-shoulder, peasant dress, that came down below my knees. This was what the other women who worked at the vineyards wore, I was just another one. I had on sandals with a chunky heel, the others wore sneakers or flip flops, I needed to wear heels.

"Would you believe that was me almost ten years ago?"

"I would honey, but things change, you are more beautiful, more confident now. You have a nicer figure and bigger boobs too." She laughed and played with my hair. "Now what are we doing?"

"Anything, whatever you think. I trust you. I just have to look good in that white peasant dress, It's in my bag. I am wearing it tonight."

"It's going to be a little big on your tiny body."

"I know, that's the look I'm going for."

***

I was in front of the mirror, my mouth was open, my hair looked incredible. It was full of curls and was a little darker, fuller, and shinier. My big golden hoops were peering through it. Angela added some extensions making it thicker and a couple of inches longer. Another one of the girls gave me nail tips, dark red, long, and now a part of me. No more press-ons to get lost when I played with my hair or adjusted my bra. They matched my toes and looked so feminine. They also thinned and darkened my eyebrows and plumped up my lips. The last thing Angela wanted to do was give me eyelash extensions. I kept on putting it off, it was too permanent, lasted too long and they would be too noticeable as a male. But she kept on telling me to stop and accept the fact that I was almost all female now. She told me it was on the house but then I would have to prance around the shop to show everyone how great I looked. I laughed, closed my eyes, and let her get on with it.

***

When she was done she joked that I could now wake up glamourous on my lover's pillow, and then, a man walked in.

"Oh I'm sorry, the woman up front told me Sabrina was here." Logan was looking at us, teasing. "She's about this high, probably not paying attention."

"Ha, yes we know that one," Angela laughed, "I'm sure we could find her for you." She then smiled at me in the reflection of the salon mirror. "Well, am I going to get an introduction?"

I stood up and took the leopard cape off of me. I was all in white. My old white dress, which Angela tied with a bow and a clip around my waist to make it tighter. Making the top more fitted and the dress part more full and shorter. The hem reached right at my calves showing off my white stockings, my white crotchless pantyhose with a pale blue line above the fake garter. I had on pale blue four-inch pumps. I had on no bra, the girls wouldn't let me wear the strapless one I had brought.

In France I never used a bra, I had no breasts and no one seemed to care, they called me poule mouillée. They hardly ever used my name, but they weren't mean, they treated me with respect. I had shown them so much, I had given as much as I had gotten. I taught them about music, read them some books, taught them some English, and showed them how to make buffalo wings, mojitos, and small talk. Life was hard, it was dirty, but it was fine. We had fun and I drank so much great wine.

Logan was watching me. I adjusted the top of the dress, it was off the shoulder with material just covering my breasts. My silicone forms were glued to my body, they were a half size bigger than my favorite D-cups. I wouldn't be showing any nipples during dinner and I would still show off my perfect shoulders.

I needed to wear this ragged white garment, I needed to put this ghost, this phantom to rest. I needed to show Linda and everyone else how much I had changed. I was a completely different 'woman' than the last time I wore this dress when I walked off the plane from France. She picked me up at the airport, she made me change in the backseat of the car. I was a male by the time I got on the highway.

Logan looked quite surprised as I spun around toward him. "Wow, you look sensational." He walked up to me and kissed me, he held my long hair.

"Everybody!" Angela called to the other women in the shop. They filled the room. "Sabrina is going to introduce us to her friend." She smiled a wicked smile when she said, friend. "Come on."

I looked around, there were now eleven of us in the back room of the salon. So many colors, so many accents, I had known them all so long. I wasn't nervous, or shy around them, they were my friends. They were nice to me, they always asked how I was and I was always happy to see them.

"Everybody, I would like you to meet Logan, we are kind of dating," I told them and they smiled. They told him their names and kissed his cheek, he was quite surprised we were so popular.

Angela of course wanted to know more. "And what does kind of dating mean?"

"Oh, you know," I said, being coy. "Okay thank you, everyone, I must be going now. I have a dinner appointment." I winked, I gave Angela the wine I brought so she could share it with her other customers. She handed me a white pocketbook filled with goodies, and we said goodbye and made lunch plans. Angela wanted to know more, much more, she wanted to be filled in on everything, she was so happy and quite surprised I was going out with someone.

***

I left my car in the salon's parking lot as we walked to his, out front, I heard a bark, Merch was in the car. "I have to take him with us, I'm sorry." Logan smiled.

"Sorry? I get to put my hands all over someone who loves my nails." I showed Logan my longer than usual red nails and he laughed.

"Okay, hop in."

We were getting ready, he drove a couple of blocks, "Sabrina can I ask you something, you might think I'm a little weird."

"Um... maybe," He pulled over.

"There is one thing I love that women do." I looked at him, this was it, this was probably why his wife left him, why he has been alone the last year. "I love when women put that brush on their face, I don't know, doing their makeup? I don't know what they do but I love watching."

I opened my bag and pulled out a blush brush, "Like this?" He smiled, I took out my compact, I rubbed the brush over my cheeks, my forehead, my chin. Logan and Merch just watched me. I pulled out a bigger one, my powder brush. Around my eyes, my cheeks again, I ignored him, I looked in my mirror. I kissed my image and then put everything back into my bag. Checked my hair in the visor mirror, I was making believe, they weren't watching me, I turned around to look at the two of them. "Are we going?"

He was silent he was still studying me, a huge smile on his face, a huge hard-on in his pants. I could tell he enjoyed that little show immensely. "Um, yeah, sorry. Let's get Linda."

***

"Please don't tell me, that's YOUR hair." Linda was looking at me, my hair of course was long, darker, and curly.

"Why, what's the matter?"

Linda was angry at me already, she hated my hair, she hated the dress, she called me ratty. "I know this isn't one of your dress-up nights. Didn't you just do this yesterday?"

"I did, I figured we were going to go out..." I was going off-plan, I didn't think she would be this pissed in front of Logan.

"What, now you are always going to go out as a woman, what to every restaurant now, what the fuck. And why are your boobs so big? Ahh, I'm sitting in the front." Linda hopped in the passenger seat, she slammed the door, I was going to sit in the back anyway. "I don't want to look at you."

I wanted her to talk to Logan during the ride anyway, not the back of our heads, and especially not at me. I was hoping she would forget I was even back here with the quiet dog, I think she was making him nervous too. It was going to be a long ride south.

I pet the dog, I read my book, I let them converse. I only looked up when I heard my name. "Sabrina? Why would you fucking curl your hair? Why would you dye it now?" Linda turned around, she was studying me. "You are not a teenager."

I thought it looked so nice, it felt wonderful. I held onto the dog for some strength, I was silent, I didn't like when she got like this. Usually, she only cursed over the phone, never at me or the kids. "Angela said it looked nice."

"Angela? You should have asked ME first before you did something so drastic. How long does this last?" She went back to looking out the front, ignoring me again. I caught Logan's eye in the mirror. I was hoping everything would be fine, I was hoping this wasn't a disastrous plan. I was thinking wait until she finds out my eyelashes are longer, my ears were pierced again, and my lips were more full. It wasn't just makeup. Wait until she hears I had botox injections in my forehead and around my eyes, she is going to be livid, I will need to hold on to the dog again when she finds out.

The rest of the drive she was quieter, we went along the water, it kept her attention. The only things she asked me were, who sang this song, who was that guy in that movie, what is the state sales tax, what liquor goes into a daiquiri? I was sometimes her Google, even though she said I was a dumb blonde and I didn't know anything. She told me I was full of useless information. I only knew what I wanted to know. I wished she would stop calling me names and start treating me like an adult, an adult woman. She had promised she would last year, I promised to give her support in whatever she did, though I knew mine was asking an awful lot more.

We passed the sign for Escondido. "Almost there." Logan looked in the mirror again, he smiled as his eyebrows went up. I'm sure he's surprised that Linda never asked any questions about where we were going. I was also wondering if he was wishing he was with her instead of me.

***

"Over here!" We heard someone call and the dog ran out of the car door. He was licking the woman on the face near a beautiful open-air restaurant. "Merch I missed you."

The three of us got closer, it was my first time meeting Natasha, Logan's ex-wife. They kissed, they seemed quite happy to see each other. He introduced her to Linda, but they said they had met before. I was standing behind Logan, I was nervous again. He took my arm and brought me closer to Natasha, she actually hugged me. "You are so beautiful, and I just love your hair." She looked at me, her fingers playing with the ends of my strands. I didn't want to look at Linda, I didn't want her to give me another unapproving face.

A man walked out, shook all of our hands, He was quite happy to see us too. "Hi, welcome to 'La Buena Vida'" It was Ricardo, Natasha's new husband. "Come, I will show you around, I will show you our little wine selection." He laughed and winked at me, I like that I was being singled out. I also liked that Linda was a little distracted, she hung back and talked to Natasha while the three of us entered the restaurant. We passed by customers out front under a tent, all in various stages of dinner. I smiled and they all smiled back.

"I always wanted a restaurant of my own," Natasha told us as we sat on the side, looking at the desert. Watching the sunset. "Something, beautiful, even sexy. Something that smells like heaven."

Merch sat on my feet, under my chair. I was surprised he would rather sit with me than the ex. I pet his head to say thank you. I was the only one given a wine list, it was handwritten. I looked up at them, Ricardo spoke to me. "We are hoping you approve of our stock. It is mostly Californian wines, but some Spanish, couple very interesting." He smiled, Linda was looking at me, I could tell she didn't know that Logan had told them about me. He told them everything, even about our little dalliances on the back deck. They knew we had been intimate and they were probably surprised we weren't sitting next to each other, Linda was between us, physically and metaphorically.

I looked over the list, it was quite extensive for such a small place. They let me pick out a Malbec from Argentina and soon we were toasting in Spanish and eating roasted vegetables and sausage.

Linda asked the couple how they met. "Well, we knew of each other for over twenty-five years. Ricardo is my Uncles stepson." She smiled at us. She must love to tell this story. "We fell in love when we were younger, but my father didn't like the idea I was dating him. He didn't approve at all, ha."

Ricardo laughed with her and held her hand, "He didn't think she should be dating her cousin. Her handsome older cousin."

"So we drifted apart, and I met Logan." She shrugged, we drank more wine. we laughed.

It was Logan's turn to hold Natasha's hand, "I knew you two were in love, it was that look you gave each other, I always knew." He had a sad smile on his face, then he looked over at me, past Linda. She gave me a weird glance.

Thank god Natasha spoke again. "What do you do? You meet your soul mate, it just happens. It's never planned and it's always at the most inappropriate time." She shrugged again and looked at Logan. "But we had two wonderful kids, so many wonderful loving pets, it, um, where's Merch."

"Oh," I said slightly startled, "He's right here." I pat his head, he was looking at me, his tongue out.

Natasha laughed, "Seems like you are replacing me, you are becoming the popular one up there in Capistrano."

I felt a little uncomfortable, I was never the popular one. I was hoping Linda wasn't going to ask a follow-up question, so I spoke, "This is a beautiful location, fantastic view, a perfect place to drink wine and talk." I giggled, I was nervous.