Do You Understand Cuckolding?

So, I ask you, how could it be that a husband would want to see his wife having sex with another man? Or, to be more specific, why would he want to watch his wife having sex with a man who has a bigger cock than he has?

My husband is such a man. Without question, he gets a sexual thrill when he watches me having sex with a man who has a bigger cock than he has. To be honest, I was perplexed by this at first. It would seem to me, initially at least, to be something that should be anathema to the ego of a man. Right?

Even to this day I don't fully comprehend how my husband is turned on by cuckolding. I see clearly the why of it, but only dimly the appeal. The vast, vast majority of men would not be turned on with watching his wife being sexually pleased by another man, and yet my husband certainly does get very excited by this.

As you can see, even after 14 years of cuckolding my husband I still have questions. Many in fact! There can be no doubt that I love my husband, disregarding those naysayers who beg to differ out of their ignorance. The naysayers would attempt to tell me that no woman who loves her husband would "cheat" on him by having sex with other men. To me, this is a very silly argument because it begs the question: What is fidelity?

Fidelity, faithfulness, can mean being faithful to meeting the needs of your partner. So what is one to do when being faithful to meeting the needs of your partner means having sex with other men? I am in fidelity with my husband's needs and desires. Originally this was his idea, his intentions, his desire and his motives. This is not to say that I was in disagreement with him about cuckolding, because I wasn't, since my needs and his needs were the same. I did not lord it over him nor did he lord it over me. We are simpatico here!

Therefore, I ask you, why does cuckolding work for us? My husband and I have been married 24 years, and for the last 14 of those I have been having sex with other men. To be perfectly frank, in those 14 years I have only had sex with 7 men other than my husband (I had to ask my husband for help to come up with the correct number). Three of those men I only had sex with once because we were incompatible. So the way that my husband and I look at it I have had 4 lovers that I would call consistent and compatible to our lifestyle. Of those 4 we covered most of the 14 years in that I had sex with each of them for years.

At one point, two of those men were lovers at the same time and they were friends and knew that each of them was having sex with me at the same time. This lasted for 5 years. So there was a 5 year stretch that I was having sex with two lovers and my husband at the same time. Should I be ashamed by this?

Here's the beauty of the thing. Of course my husband knew that I had two lovers because he was there watching me with them, and those men knew of each-other as well, so everything was on the up-n-up. There were even occasions when my two lovers were in our bed at the same time with my husband there watching the festivities. Nobody was lied to and nobody was deceived.

But this isn't the question at hand. The question is why I cuckold my husband.

First of all, what is a cuckold? For a man, to be a cuckold means that he is faithful (sexually speaking) to his wife while she is not with his full knowledge and approval. Knowledge and approval is paramount in a cuckold relationship. Lots of women cheat on their husbands and boyfriends, but if there is no knowledge and approval it is merely cheating and dishonesty.

The point here is that there is no dishonesty involved in a cuckolding relationship. The same is true in reverse by-the-way. There are many, many relationships where the husband has sex with other women with the wife's approval and knowledge. In fact this is the norm when it comes to open relationships.

But a cuckold relationship is different in that it is the woman who has sex outside of the marriage while the man is the "faithful" one. This leads me to a question, what does it mean to be "faithful" to one's partner (husband in this instance)? In other words, am I being unfaithful to my husband when I have sex with other men?

Here is my argument, I would be being unfaithful if I did something that my husband disapproved of. If you do not believe me then ask yourself this question: If my wife (or husband) did something that I wanted her to do would she be being unfaithful to my relationship with her? So, if your wife does what you approve of, how can she be being unfaithful to you? You may personally not approve of this lifestyle, but who are you to tell my husband that he should not?

There are certain things that my husband wants (sexually) that I am uncomfortable with, and likewise there are things that I want that he is uncomfortable with. If he forces me to do those things which I do not want to do then he is being abusive. The same is true of me, if I force my husband to do things which he does not want to do then I am being abusive. But what if we both want to do those things, is not the marriage bed undefiled?

It is true that my husband is sexually stimulated by watching me having sex with other men. It is also true that I love having sex with other men while my husband is watching. My husband approves, I approve. Please explain to me, if you can, how this could possibly be infidelity?

A woman well knows that a man has certain expectations from a relationship. And while we may not fully understand the motivations behind the expectations, we none-the-less accept them as being there. For example, I have never met a man who did not want a blowjob, never! Do I therefore expect to find a man who is disinterested in blowjobs or should I expect to find a man who wants them, and frequently?

If I have an issue with blowjobs then I should also expect to find a man who is also sexually inclined to be disinterested in them. And thus I limit my available pool of men in whom I would be sexually and materially interested in. But this is normal. Most men and women materially segregate themselves from those who have dissimilar interests.

What do I have in common with those who are not interested in the same things that I am? We hear ALL THE TIME that we should not discriminate. But I tell you that is all we do. We discriminate every day. If you don't believe me then you are being silly because you decide (discriminate) on what you will have for lunch every day. You discriminate between Italian and Mexican food, or American and Asian. Humans cannot help but discriminate.

The same is true of human sexuality. A gay man discriminates against females and a lesbian discriminates against males. But, you may say, this is discrimination without a distinction since the discrimination is perceived by genetics. Okay, but that is only true if you are born with that discrimination in mind. And if you believe that then you must also believe that racial discrimination is something that you are born with. How many people would agree with that today?

Preferences are different from discriminations. I may prefer Italian food over Mexican food, but does that mean I prefer Italians over Mexicans as a people? Maybe, but then again maybe not!

The point here is that a preference is much different than a need or a desire. I prefer to have sex with a man who has a big cock, but does that mean that I am incapable of being pleased by a man who has a little dick? Of course not! Preference is different from need. If, in order to have an orgasm, I needed a large cock, then my preference is no longer a preference, but rather a need. But if I can have an orgasm with a little dick or a big cock then the question now becomes one of preference. I cum more easily with a big cock than I do with a little dick, thus I prefer a big cock over a small dick.

Should that be a problem? Perhaps, if the man in question has a little dick, then he might be intimidated by a man who has a large cock. But that would only be true of an insecure man.

My husband's dick is little. He gives me orgasms with his small dick as well as with his tongue and fingers. My husband pleases me sexually and I would have a perfectly happy sex life having sex with JUST him. But my husband is also happy with my having my preference, and that is with a big cock. Who are you to tell him different? Or me, for that matter.

And another point to bring up while I'm on the subject. Men and women have things that turn them on and things that turn them off. Things that excite are individualized, like food or music. Nobody can tell you to become excited or turned on by something that isn't exciting to you. Or to like a particular type of music when it doesn't appeal to your ears.

Excitement, that which turns you on sexually, is as individualized as is music in this regard.

And why shouldn't that be so? There are many preferences that an individual will have that are not preferred by others. I love Mexican food, others can't stand it. Does that fact make Mexican food somehow wrong for all people at all times and in all geographical locations? Of course not! That would be silly.

Then why shouldn't it also be the case that a sexual preference is nothing more than an individualized taste. If my husband and I love Mexican food, and you don't, then so what? What possible difference can it make if we like it and you don't? It harms you not at all, UNLESS we force you to eat.

Not understanding something is different from being disagreeable. One does not have to lead to the other. If you are incapable of understanding how my husband can tolerate his wife having sex with other men, with his knowledge and approval, then one of two things would be true. Either we have not communicated in such a way for you to understand, or your preferences preclude you from accepting the information as being valid in your own case. You may understand perfectly WHY we are excited, but you KNOW that you would not be excited by the same things.

Such is natural and good. Where it becomes unnatural and bad is when you refuse to make an attempt at understanding. Ignorance, in this instance, is not bliss. Understanding is the bedrock for making deterministic decisions for yourself.

To my way of thinking understanding something, even if you do not fully comprehend it, grants you the freedom to decide whether or not that is something that you want in your life. This would be true of almost everything you can think of. I understand cuckolding and the appeal of it, therefore I can choose whether or not it is right for me. I may not fully comprehend WHY my husband is so fascinated by it, but I don't need full comprehension to make the decision.

Full comprehension is not requisite for understanding. You can have understanding without having complete knowledge. Common sense tells you this is true since nobody has comprehensive knowledge about anything. In fact, I would submit that we do not even have comprehensive understanding of our selves.

How many times have you asked yourself, "Why did I do that?" Or, "What was I thinking?" The only reason to ask such questions is because you did or said something that was wrong or stupid. Hence, you do not fully understand yourself.

Understanding motivations is very necessary in human relationships. This is particularly true in an open relationship. In the case of my husband and I the motives for each of us has been clearly established. We have analyzed each other and explained as best we could our own motivations, thereby clearing our eyes and allowing freedom of thought to determine the viability of the lifestyle. We determined, each of our own accord, that this was something that we each wanted for our own reasons. Then we put our heads together to establish rules for acceptance.

This has been our own determination, for ourselves. It need to be in accord with your determinations, for yourself, since you have no say in the things that my husband and I choose. What we eat, the music we listen to, the places we want to visit, the people that we choose as friends, such things have no bearing on what your determinations may or may not be. You need not agree with us, on anything. This is acceptable. Agreement is not requisite for understanding.

Deborah Sue