Far Better Than Life Ch. 02

She woke as the VR helmet rose from her head. Like every other time she'd emerged from VR, she was momentarily disoriented but the feeling didn't last long. She quickly remembered where she was.

On Todhunter's nasty couch, hidden away in the corner of storage deck B.

She'd gone to sleep in Lister's arms moments after she'd had a mindblowing orgasm all over his magnificent, bursting cock.

Now, navigation officer Kochanski sat, blinking. The scutter rolled closer and Holly's voice came from the control remote in her lap. "Are you okay, Kristine?"

Dave and the bungalow were gone and she was back aboard Red Dwarf, three million years from Earth and all trace of humanity.

The last surviving human being broke down into tears.

*****

She didn't stir from her puddle of loneliness and misery for a long while. Holly played some music for her, not knowing what more to do. Talk seemed out of place. So she resorted to lutes and pan-pipes.

Kris had never dreamed that a scant few hours of a ridiculous parody of normalcy would leave her in such despair.

The time with the Dave simulation in VR had been great. It all seemed like just what she needed. They might not have spent much time talking but it had all seemed natural and right. Getting her tight cooch wrapped around Dave's giant tool was a huge release. Inside the sanitation harness, her pussy was a soaking mess. And the Dave-simulation's responses and actions had seemed so right! Like a real person.

And laying together for that time and making out in the shower had been so good. And even though they didn't say much, it felt like a meaningful conversation was hanging just there at the periphery, waiting for a good moment.

Aside from the overly-idyllic beach bungalow, it had all seemed so normal and wonderful.

Then she woke up in the Dwarf's hold and three million years of loneliness had crashed down on top of her.

Eventually, the tears slowed. "I suppose you're going to say 'I told you so'", she sniffed.

"No, Kris," Holly said. "This doesn't mean it was a mistake. You're having a healthy reaction. Being alone on this ship... alone in the universe... is tough. You need to let it out once in a while."

She laughed and sobbed at the same time. "Wow. Thanks for reminding me."

"Kris, I know we don't ever talk about this. I know there's no point in reminding you how far away any kind of normalcy is. But we also need to admit it once in a while. And you need to give yourself a chance to process and grieve."

"But it's been years since I woke from stasis! I should be over this shit. Shagging Lister in VR shouldn't turn me into a wreck." She wiped her nose. "I'm broken, Hol. And I just see no way to fix it and no reason to go on."

The ship's computer let her stew for a few minutes. "Can you at least tell me how the simulation was?"

She gestured at her puffy, tear-streaked face. Not even Lister would want anything to do with her in this state. "I wouldn't be a blubbering mess if it hadn't been good." She sighed. "We didn't exactly talk much but it was definitely way better than the VR personalities. He seemed very real."

"When you're ready and get cleaned up a little, come back to the science lab. There are some funny gravity readings I want you to look at."

"Smeg. What fresh hell is happening now?" she asked.

The computer reassured her, "It's nothing bad, just some odd readings. No danger. Actually, they've stopped; but I'd like you to review the data."

Kochanski wasn't ready to leave the cargo-cave yet but she did ask, "So, how did Rimmer take it?"

"About how you'd expect. He is a very predictable personality."

"Well, after that fucking turd destroyed everyone else's personality disks, I really don't care how he takes it." She did smile a little though. "Yeah, I bet he really hated being stuck in my talking curling iron."

*****

She made it back to the hab decks and to the captain's quarters without running into Cat or Rimmer. She spent a long time in the shower. No water rations with just two biologicals on board.

She'd moved into Captain Hollister's quarters a couple months after emerging from stasis. It had a much bigger shower, bigger bed and lots of closet space.

She went through her clothes for a bit, wanting something bright but comfortable to wear. Long ago, she'd raided every female crewmember's closet, collecting things to wear. And down in the storage decks where Cat's race had evolved and lived she had unearthed, so to speak, shops and wardrobes with a wide variety of bizarre clothing. Most of it was made of ship materials and things found in storage. Some of it was quite pretty.

There were even two dresses from the Nova 5 crew, the crashed ship they had discovered Kryten on.

She got dressed. Feeling better, though rather empty inside, she made her way down to the science lab.

The first thing she saw was Cat's hair. It was a cascade of curls down to his shoulders. "What the hell happened to you?" she asked. He normally wore his slick black hair in a high coif.

"Don't ask," Cat and Rimmer answered simultaneously.

Rimmer started in on her immediately. "Listen, missy. You're in a lot of trouble. When the HCPU hears about how badly I've been treated..."

Kris rounded on him, "Shut the fuck up, smeg for brains. I'm not playing your shitty games today. There is no Union. There's no Space Corp or Jupiter Mining Corporation. There's no damn human race left."

Rimmer's instincts froze, not knowing which way to jump. Rage at being spoken down to or fear at her anger. The truth was that yes, on some level he knew his relationship with Kochanski was something of a game. Something she tolerated out of a vague hope for normalcy.

But it was also real. Real to him at least. Citing regulations and kissing butt were two of his primary talents, never mind that he didn't do them very well.

And despite all his bluster, genuine conflict terrified him. He knew no one had liked him but he relied on being able to not cross the line to being hated.

He also knew that even though he'd done it a couple of years ago, Kochanski had never forgiven him for destroying the crew's holo-disks.

All of this processed through his simulated mind in a blink, but it left him with no response. "Fine then," he said, voice at least two octaves higher. "We can discuss this later." He shuddered when she walked through him but stifled his objection.

"Would anyone like to style their hair," asked a tinny woman's voice with a fake-sounding posh accent. "I can be at operating temperature in just eight point two seconds."

Krissie spared her curling iron a glance. She gestured to Cat. "Did you do that."

The voice got even stuffier. "My history log shows that I did. However, it appears that my personality was supplanted at the time." The gadget clacked its clamp.

Self-consciously toying with the curls in question, Cat pointed at Rimmer. "He begged for it. You should have heard him. It was disgusting."

"I wasn't myself," Rimmer sulked.

The navigations officer sat on the console. "Holly, any issues with the Project Lister systems? VR unit and hologram suite operating normally?"

"Yes, Kristine. No issues. The simulation can be run any time you wish."

Kochanski nodded to herself. Yes, she probably would give it another go. Maybe have a chance to talk next time. Or not. Thinking about Dave's big cock made the room feel warm.

"Ok, let's look at the grav data you were talking about."

*****

Lister knew he wouldn't understand anything on the display but he peered at it anyway. "Lister. Lister, I'm not finished with you yet." Rimmer was standing behind him, seething. "You have no idea how much trouble you're in. When the Union reads my complaint..."

"Give it a rest, Rimmer. There is no Union. Just shut your worthless piehole."

The relationship between Dave Lister and his dead bunkmate had been deteriorating for months. Rimmer seemed incapable of learning any social skills of any kind. He viewed every event through a prism of self-interest and paranoia that was completely irrational.

The fact that the hologram only existed at all to serve Lister's emotional needs did nothing to soften his attitudes. Instead, they seemed to feed his paranoia.

Rimmer continued to fume while Lister spoke to Holly. "So it's, like, another Red Dwarf?"

"Possibly. All we really know is that something the mass of Red Dwarf was phasing in and out of reality."

"So, where is it now?"

"Gone," answered Kryten, seated at the other end of the console.

"This all happened just while I was down in VR? Pro'lly just wonky sensors, right? Interference or something?"

*****

Kochanski spoke as she typed, "Holly, get some scutters down to deck A12. Have them go over the sensors. This may be a hardware glitch." Holly acknowledged the order.

"Kryten, grab other logs for the same time frame. Power usage, radar, optical scans. Anything you can think of. We'll look for other anomalies."

"Yes, m'um."

Kristine was in her element. Tracking down hardware glitches and watching for space anomalies were pretty much what she trained for. Having a problem to work on was just what she needed.

She even briefly considered the possibility that Holly had invented the whole thing as a distraction. But she decided it didn't matter.

"Mizz Kochanski, what might I do to help," Rimmer simpered.

Without missing a keystroke, Krissie asked Holly, "Do we have any chicken soup nozzles malfunctioning?"

"I don't believe so, Acting Captain Kochanski," Holly answered.

Rimmer shrieked, "I am NOT just a vending machine repairman! I am a highly trained member of the Space Corp and I demand..."

Krissie didn't even turn around. "Mute him, Holly."

Rimmer's demand was cut off. "He'll send more complaints to the Union, you know."

Kochanski didn't answer for a while. She was beginning to cross-check other logs. Rimmer was so silently apoplectic behind her his light-field was distorting. Cat watched with idle amusement. "This is the best thing I've seen all day! Not counting mirrors of course."

She still didn't deign to turn around but asked Holly, "Are you absolutely sure Rimmer's program is running correctly? His copy wasn't corrupted? I really can't believe any human being could be both so shallow and so dense in the first place, nevermind his inability to adapt to our situation."

"Yes, Kris, this is an accurate model of Arnold Rimmer."

*****

"Holly, take a memo. To: JMC Operations Board of Directors. From: Acting Senior Technician Arnold J Rimmer B.S.C S.S.C. The subject is gross insubordination and conspiracy to commit sabotage."

"Arnold, this is the eighth memo. How many long-dead boards, agencies and bureaus are you going to scream at? I also don't think any of them care about your swimming certificates."

Rimmer had retreated to their quarters while Lister tried to understand the science lab readouts. The fat git would rue the day he crossed 'Ace' Rimmer.

"Holly, my girl, Lister must learn the proper chain of command. And basic human decency for that matter."

"Arnold, I approved Project Kochanski. We are adhering to all guidelines as they relate to hologram asset assignment."

"But it's not just that, Holly! Lister clearly doesn't respect me as his superior or even as a fellow human being."

Holly knew that was entirely true. "Have you ever considered acting like one?"

*****

Kochanski went up to the bridge to work from her old navigation station. It had better interfaces for the work she was doing. Kryten followed, taking an engineering station.

Cat disappeared off to wherever he spent most of his day and Rimmer was off sulking in his quarters. Still the same quarters he had shared with Lister when they were all alive.

How had Dave lived with that insufferable ass? It did explain his attempt to get himself sentenced to stasis though.

"Okay, Kryten, which readings did you want to show me?" she asked.

"Deck B power use and also ship's network congestion. I see some activity around the right time on both."

As she began comparing data, her mind wandered. For the zillionth time, she replayed the sequence of events that had left her alone in the universe.

She dumped Lister. A big part of it was she just didn't want any serious relationship and she knew he was very into her. It had also scared her a little bit that she was realizing she liked him quite a bit despite his lower-class nature.

She tried very hard not to be a snob but she was an officer and she was educated and genuinely intelligent. Lister had been the lowest ranking person on the entire crew. She'd hooked up with him just to get stuffed by that giant salami.

But he was clever in his way, and always kind. He'd give her shit about being posh and stuck up but the way he smiled when he did it made it actually funny. Just the right level of honest and joking.

And he was exactly as dirty and horny as she wanted him to be. At least after the first couple of days when they got a little more comfortable with each other.

So, it had been kind of great and she hated that. She wanted to be free. Or so she had told herself. She needed to end it before it got any more complicated.

"M'um? Do you see how the activity coincides with the grav readings? It suggests an internal source I think."

Kryten's words penetrated. "Okay, yeah. And some piece of malfunctioning gear could explain the power fluctuations but that's a hell of a lot of data." She started tracing the routs.

A couple weeks after she'd told Lister that she was done slumming (acting on some vague notion that being a bitch about it would make him mad rather than sad and he'd be better off that way), she started hearing rumors that Lister had more or less locked himself in his room.

Naturally, she felt bad. Went down to his quarters to talk. Try to do something.

She'd walked in on him with the cat, Frankenstein.

At first, he'd tried to claim it was just a pet and was properly licensed and checked out. She'd even played with the thing and took a selfie with it. Posted it to DwarfBoard and everything.

But as she was asking him about the cat, things just weren't adding up. Licensing and quarantine took longer than he could account for.

Eventually, he admitted that he had a plan to get caught in a violation just bad enough to get him sentenced to stasis until the end of the mission. He just wanted to get back to earth and away from the ship.

He claimed that Frankenstein was actually safe, recently quarantined and everything. That evening, she'd let him convince her and she returned to her cabin. Hell, his plan almost might work. And if he wanted to forgo months of wages just to skip the rest of the voyage by being sentenced to stasis, that was his decision to make.

Around midnight ship's time, her cabin door opened and two SP's and a medical tech burst in and demanded to know where the cat was.

Lister had been sneaking the beast around in boxes and staying out of view of the cameras in his quarters. Kochanski, on the other hand, had posted a pic of an unregistered biological hazard to the ships public forum.

What proceeded from there was a cluster fuck. Lister had released the cat into the ships lower decks. He admitted that cat was his but the only evidence showed it in Kris's possession.

She was provisionally sentenced to stasis while ship's council heard appeals and considered the case. Even as she was walking into the stasis booth, she believed the situation would get resolved quickly. She'd lose a week at most.

She would have been right if Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer hadn't chosen that intervening week to fail to seal the drive plate and incinerate the entire crew in a wave of radiation.

The rest was history. Piloting a contaminated ship so radioactive even orbiting an inhabited station posed a health risk, Holly had set a course for deep space. It took three million years for the radiation levels to return to safe levels and Holly was finally able to wake Kochanski.

"Did you hear me, Kris?"

She shook her head and wiped her eyes. The viewscreen was a blur before her. Damn, why was she so weepy? "Sorry, what was that?"

"I said it has to be Project Lister. The time frames match too perfectly." Holly's face took over her screen. "Your VR session caused the gravity anomaly."

*****

"But that doesn't make sense," Lister said, leaning back from the console. Holy's blond head floated on the screen in front of him.

"The logs match too closely for it to be a coincidence. And the grav sensor hardware shows no faults." Graphs returned to the screen as she went on. "Within thirty seconds of the simulation starting, we were getting readings of additional mass."

"Fine, but that's thirty whole seconds. Why can't it be a coincidence then?"

Kryten said, "There's no telling what aspect of Project Kochanski is actually causing the anomaly. It may be somehow linked to events taking place in the simulation."

All were silent for a time. Rimmer was still sulking somewhere and Cat was napping. Finally, Lister said, "Let's start from basics. We're saying there's another Red Dwarf maybe. Ok. The last time we encountered another Red Dwarf was when Holy's experimental drive failed."

"It didn't fail. It was a groundbreaking scientific breakthrough. A paradigm shift in our understanding of pandimensional space-time."

"But it was just supposed to take us to Earth. Instead, it took us to an alternate dimension. And still nowhere near Earth."

"That was all before you guys found me on the Nova 5." Kryten said. "As I understand it, the Holy-Hop drive was based on quantum-macro tunneling?"

"Correct, the drive generates a powerful field of quantum instability." Her simulated face got wide-eyed. "Wait! To generate the field, I used scaled-up quantum computing circuits."

"Oh." Kryten said with dawning realization.

"So what does that mean?" Lister asked.

*****

"That has to be it then," said Kochanski. The evidence was right in front of her. The schematics for the Holy-Hop drive clearly used designs derived from the hologram simulation suite.

She turned to Kryten and began to explain. "The computers that simulate Rimmer use a lot of quantum circuitry. Technically, they generate a field of quantum instability when operating."

"But we've never seen these anomalies before and Mr. Rimmer is always running." Kryten objected.

"There must be an additional factor," said Holy.

"Yes," said Kris, finger raised. She was biting her lip in thought. "Under normal operation, the quantum effects are undirected. They don't link to anything." She tapped the console. "Something must be acting as a bridge. Joining out reality to another in a unique way."

Kryten stared blankly for a moment. His molded face didn't offer him much alternative. "So what's unique about Project Lister?"

Something approaching awe flooded Kris's mind. Connections were being made. Questions posed and answered. "Lister," she said softly. "Lister is what's unique."

*****

"Look, none of this is making any sense," Dave said. "The holo-suite's quantum circuits can't be responsible; they're always running. Nothing Project Kochanski does can really warp space and time."

"I agree, Mr. Lister, but it's the only theory we have."

Dave suddenly got a silly smile on his face. As soon as he thought to himself that they should test the theory, he realized that would mean playing around with Kris again. The front of his trousers swelled. "Well, I'll just nip down and give it a little test, shall I?"

*****

Krissy ordered Kryten to stay on the bridge while she returned to B deck. She backtracked twice to make sure she wasn't being followed. She also asked Holy to warn her if Rimmer came close but she still wasn't certain the privacy protocols would allow the ship's computer to do that.