Ferry Ride

"I...I'm glad you understand," she told him in a way that deeply resonated with Nick on several levels.

Having forgotten about his previous verbal blunder, he said something he wanted to take back as quickly as he said it.

"Jennifer? You didn't need to pull your hand away."

Once again, her reaction was such that Nick felt somewhere between childish and like a full-blown idiot. When she looked away again, he felt the need to apologize.

"I...I'm the one who needs to say 'sorry' now," he told her.

Her reaction surprised him even more than the fact that he'd blurted out a second inappropriate comment.

"What? Why...why would you be apologizing?" she asked so sincerely Nick wondered if she really didn't know why he'd told her he was sorry.

"I guess I just assumed that once you realized you had your hand on mine you recoiled when I looked down at it," he told her.

"Wait. You...you thought..."

Jennifer looked at him for a moment then said, "I assumed you were repulsed by it."

"What? Repulsed?" Nick asked with a little shake of his head.

"Well, yes. I did see you look down. And when you did, I pulled my hand back because I was sure you were thinking I'm some kind of lonely, desperate, middle-aged woman...you know, trying to...catch your eye or something."

Nick sat up a little straighter then turned toward her.

"Um...we have a huge disconnect going on here," he said.

"I agree. I just don't know where the disconnect is at or what's really going on."

Nick finally smiled then tried to explain.

"Okay, I assumed you were offended or put off when I told you you were even more beautiful when you smiled."

Jennifer was now facing him, and after he finished talking, her eyebrows went up in disbelief.

"Hold on. You thought I was upset because you said something sweet and complimentary?"

"Well, yeah. I...I kinda did," Nick told her with a little wince.

Jennifer laughed then told him she not only wasn't offended, she was flattered.

"I just assumed you were being kind because of...well, because I'm...a widow."

Nick waited for her to look at him then said, "No. Not at all. I said that because it's true. You are beautiful, and even more so when you smile."

He saw her eyes flickering before she spoke, and wondered what that was about.

"So...does that mean when you looked down at my hand—on yours—you weren't...disgusted?"

Nick did a kind of 'what are saying' head shake then told her he wasn't. At all.

"But when I saw you pull it away I assumed it was because you...well, now I'm so confused I'm not sure what I'm even saying," Nick tried to explain.

When he smiled at her, Jennifer smiled back.

"I wasn't offended. Or repulsed. I just couldn't help but think how...icky...it must have felt for a woman my age to be touching you, even though it wasn't 'that kind' of a touch."

"A woman your age. Listen to you," Nick told her with a little bit of a laugh.

"How is that funny?" Jennifer asked, not sure what the laugh meant.

"Did you miss the part where I told you you're beautiful?" Nick replied by asking a question of his own.

"No. I heard you. But like I said, I assumed you were just being polite."

Nick's tone of voice changed when he spoke, and both what he said and the way he said caused some kind of reaction in Jennifer's body.

"It wasn't politeness, Jennifer. It was the honest-to-God truth. You're as pretty as any woman I've ever met, and I meant what I said."

Jennifer had been on a grand total of four dates since her husband's passing with two of them being within the last three months. The first two had been truly awful. Of the last two, one was with a doctor from the hospital, and the other was with the brother of her best friend at work. Neither had been disasters, but both had been...uncomfortable.

Initially, she assumed that was due to a lingering feeling that she was somehow betraying her late husband, but as she thought about those last two evenings, she realized it wasn't that at all. It was more that she felt like she had nearly nothing in common with either one of them. As far as the doctor went, yes, he had money. But she'd had money and things before, so that had no meaning to her, and while having some money was essential, having a lot of it had never made her happy.

And now, here she was, sitting in a truck with a near total stranger outside of her former home, and she was feeling some kind of connection with the attractive, younger man who was driving it. It was probably nothing more than their shared losses, and yet as she sat there looking at him, she was feeling something she hadn't felt since her husband was alive. And that feeling both excited he— and scared her.

"Well, in that case, thank you, Nick," she told him. "And for the record, I think you're a very nice looking young man yourself."

Now very aware he was about to say yet a third thing he probably shouldn't say, Nick decided to take another risk and say it anyway.

"So...would you possibly like to, um, maybe...you know...go out with me sometime?"

Jennifer's eyes didn't roll, but they closed as her head did a little shake.

"Go out with you? You...you can't be serious," she replied.

Again feeling certain he'd gone too far, Nick tried to dig himself out of the hole he felt he'd just put himself into.

"I was, but I didn't really expect you to take me seriously. I guess I just let myself get carried away with what someone once called 'irrational exuberance'."

Again. Jennifer sat there just staring at him before she spoke.

"You're...you really are serious, aren't you?" she finally said.

"I was, but it seems pretty clear you're not interested so..."

Jennifer again put her hand on his then said, "Nick?"

He looked down at her hand again, but this time she didn't pull it away. He didn't reply, but he tilted his head ever so slightly and raised his eyebrows in anticipation of her next words.

"I had no idea you were being serious. I just couldn't imagine a guy...a man...your age even being remotely interested in a woman my age. Well, not like that, anyway."

"I've never dated anyone older than me before, but I have to tell you that I...I'd very much like to see you again, Jennifer."

"Even after telling you how old I am?" she asked, her voice now quiet and small.

"Yes. 'Even' after that," Nick told her with a smile as he stressed the word 'even'.

"I have a confession of my own," she told him. She could tell Nick was waiting again, so she continued.

"Bob was three years older than me, and I...I've never gone out with anyone younger than me. Not even in high school or college. And I mean not even a year younger. So...so going out with someone who's a whole lot younger isn't something I've done or ever even thought about."

Her hand was still on his, so Nick gently pulled his out from under hers then held hers in his. When she let him, Nick said, "So will you? Will you go out with me?"

Neither of her two previous dates had caused any kind of feeling other than a mild sense of dread. But as she sat there with this attractive, younger man, Jennifer was very aware that her heart was pounding in her chest.

"I...I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Nick" she said in spite of the emotion she was feeling as she gently removed her hand from his, letting practicality win out over what was surely nothing more than a passing feeling based on the attention of a handsome, younger man.

"Okay. I had to ask. I didn't really think you'd say 'yes', but at least you didn't shoot me down in flames."

Nick smiled in spite of the sting, and Jennifer suddenly felt terrible. Had she had no interest in him whatsoever, she'd have been kind and polite but still let him know how she felt. But in this case, she couldn't decide how she felt, so her 'no' was more a matter of...self-protection than a rejection. Still, Nick couldn't know that, and she wanted to try and soften the blow.

"Nick? If you ever do stop by the hospital, maybe we could talk about this some more over another cup of coffee or something," she offered as nicely as she could.

While it helped, it still didn't fully repair Nick's bruised ego, but he soldiered on.

"Sure. Yeah, that sounds reasonable," in the same voice one might say, "I'll call you," without any intention of ever doing so.

His words stung Jennifer in return as she felt sure she knew what Nick actually meant. Not sure what else to say she sat there in a very awkward silence.

"We uh, we should probably be heading back, don't you think?" Nick finally said.

"Yes. Right. We really should," Jennifer quickly replied, grateful for the break in the deafening quiet, broken only by the sound of the idling engine.

After another couple of minutes in silence, Jennifer was feeling awful for having turned him down. The only reason she had for doing so was their difference in age, but it seemed like such a big deal she still didn't know how she could get beyond it.

"So, Nick. You said you weren't sure about getting another dog. But if you ever did, would you get another German Shepard?" Jennifer asked, hoping to reconnect.

Nick wasn't mad, upset, angry, or anything even close to it. He just felt like he'd been kicked in the...gut. Or maybe someplace a little lower.

"Gosh, I really don't know. I love Labrador Retrievers of all colors, but I think I'd probably get a yellow Lab."

"I love Labs! They're so friendly and playful," Jennifer responded as friendly as she could.

"And loyal. I love having a dog I can connect with. No offense to anyone who wants a couch potato for a pet, but I want my dog to be excited when I come home, because I'm genuinely happy to see him, too."

Nick smiled then added, "Or...her."

Nick laughed, and as they approached the terminal, Jennifer felt a little less guilty but still felt very confused.

"It just seems like another dog might really be good for you," she offered as cheerfully as she could.

Nick looked over at her, smiled the best he could, then said, "I agree, but I really was serious about settling down. Not that I couldn't make time for a dog, too, but I'd want to focus on any new relationship, so maybe waiting a few months or a year or so makes sense."

Jennifer had heard him say that. In fact, she'd heard every word he said. But she'd temporarily forgotten, and now she felt like 'one of those people'. The kind who sat and heard words but didn't retain anything because what they were really doing was waiting for their turn to talk—about themselves.

That had never been her, and she wasn't doing that now. She just couldn't shake the guilt she was feeling for having been so quick to dismiss the possibility of a date. But just the thought of the 'D' word made her feel like she might have done the right thing, because even if she had had agreed to go out with him, there was no possibility of a relationship with someone that young.

"Right. Yes, you did mention that," she admitted in an apologetic kind of way.

After another uncomfortable period of silence, Nick decided to go for a home run in the sense of asking or saying a fourth foolish thing.

"Are you currently seeing anyone?" he heard himself ask.

Jennifer turned toward him then said, "No. No one. Why do you ask?"

"I'm no Hollywood movie actor, but I'm not...hideous," he replied making sure to smile. "I suppose I was thinking that an attractive woman who's also a nurse might be seeing a doctor or maybe even an attorney."

"No. I'm not seeing anyone, and I really did mean it when I told you I thought you were a good looking guy," Jennifer said almost defensively.

"Okay. Fair enough. I'll leave it alone," he told her, trying not to let the hurt show through.

Then, trying to sound chipper and upbeat, Nick asked, "Do you miss living over here?"

"Oh. No. I miss my husband, of course, but no, I don't miss this at all. It's a beautiful place, but I don't need a huge house to be happy."

When Nick didn't respond, Jennifer asked, "Why? Do you want to live here or somewhere like Vashon Island?"

"No. Not at all. I'd be happy pretty much anywhere, as long as it was with the right person."

"And a dog?" Jennifer suggested, a real smile returning to her pretty face.

"Yes. And a dog."

"How about kids?" she asked, a sore subject with her as she'd always wanted them. Bob, however, believed that children changed a marriage—and not in a good way. He wanted his wife's full, undivided attention, and when she was younger, that was fine. But now she was at the point where if she didn't have a baby soon, she would never have the chance to be a mom. And being a mother was something she dearly wanted to experience before it was too late.

"Yes. Absolutely. One or maybe even two."

"Boy or girl?"

"Either. I suppose that like most guys I'd like to have a son to play catch with and take fishing, but I could easily see myself playing house or having a tea party."

New pangs of guilt swept over her as Jennifer heard him speak so positively about being a father, and again she asked herself why she'd said 'no' so quickly. She still hadn't resolved anything, and yet she found herself wanting to perhaps revisit the issue.

"Nick? How about you? Are you seeing anyone?"

He'd made it pretty clear he wasn't, but it seemed like a reasonable way to bring up the subject of dating without directly telling him she might be willing to reconsider. That was mostly because she wasn't sure she would, but there was a part of her that couldn't let go of the idea. So she'd asked.

Avoiding the issue of hooking up, he told her, "No. I don't really even date. Between work and Rocco and trying to stay in some kind of shape, I haven't really had time."

"Oh, okay," Jennifer replied.

She waited a few seconds then asked another question.

"Have you ever been serious with anyone?"

"No. I haven't. I guess up until now I've never wanted to settle down. I dated a lot in high school, and even in the Army I did okay meeting girls when I wasn't deployed, but no, I've never been serious or even close to it."

"It's funny, but I've never really dated—at all. I mentioned that my husband and I were high school sweethearts, and he was only the third guy I'd gone out with when we got serious."

Once again, Jennifer wasn't sure why she'd said that, and once again, Nick made her feel good when he replied.

"I can see why he wouldn't want to let you go," Nick told her.

"I...I was a lot younger back then, of course," she replied as though he wasn't aware of that.

Now beyond caring how many faux pas he made, Nick said, "But I can't imagine you were any more beautiful than you are now."

Jennifer tilted her head as if to say, "Okay. Now you're just laying it on thick."

But that's not what she said.

"You've really made me feel good about myself today, Nick. Thank you for that."

"I'm glad and you're welcome," Nick told her sincerely.

"You've also made me feel very confused, but that's on me," she replied.

"Confused? How so?"

They both looked up and realized the next ferry back to Seattle was leaving.

"Looks like we have some more time to kill," Nick said.

"I...I don't mind," Jennifer said sweetly, again wondering what on earth she was doing, and more importantly, how she could be feeling the things she was feeling.

Once they were in line and parked, Nick asked Jennifer if she'd like to get out and walk around.

"Sure. That sounds nice," she told him.

Nick came around and opened her door, and as she got out, their eyes met, and whatever feelings Jennifer had been experiencing intensified so rapidly it scared her.

"Thank you," she said after looking away as quickly as her emotions had intensified.

They walked as close to the water as they could get then looked out at Puget Sound and the city of Seattle in the background. Being a clear day, they could also see Mount Rainier in the distance, it's 14,000-foot peak looming over the area.

"Have you ever heard of a lahar?" Nick asked as they gazed at the snow-capped mountain.

"No. What is it?"

"It's a fancy name for a volcanic mud flow. Much of the area to the southwest of the mountain is in the flow zone whenever it erupts again."

"That doesn't sound good," Jennifer replied.

"No. If you live in Orting, Buckley, Enumclaw or even Tacoma, you could be covered in several feet of mud and debris in a matter of minutes. I saw a show on TV about the lahar zone, and hundreds of thousands of people are in it. And the scariest thing is there won't be much warning time if Rainier ever pulls a Mount Saint Helens on us."

As Jennifer observed the stark beauty of the mountain some 80 miles away, she tried imagining what would happen should it erupt. As a nurse trained in triage, she knew what it was like to deal with a large number of casualties at once. But the thought of the sheer force of the mud, water, and ash in the volume an eruption would generate thundering through the area known as The Plateau, made her shiver.

"You cold?" Nick asked as he moved closer.

"A little," she replied.

Taking yet another risk, Nick put his arm around her shoulder and gently pulled her toward him. She not only didn't resist, Jennifer put her arm around his waist and said, "Thank you," as Nick ran his hand up and down her arm.

"I didn't mean to frighten you," he told her. "With the lahar thing."

"No. It's okay. Tragedy is a part of life, right?"

Thinking back on the tragedies he'd experienced, Nick told he agreed.

As she stood there with Nick's arm around her, Jennifer felt like she was not only safe, but that all was right with the world; something she hadn't felt since before her husband passed away.

"Nick?" she asked as she looked up at him. "I...I've been thinking, and if your offer is still on the table, I think I'd like to...see you again."

"Really?" he asked as he pulled his head back a bit.

Jennifer laughed and told him, "Yes. Really."

"I'm growing on you, aren't I?" Nick teased.

Feeling happy, Jennifer said, "You look the same height as you did when I first saw you."

Nick tilted his head toward her, raised an eyebrow, then laughed.

"That was bad. Really bad," he informed her.

"Sorry. I say stupid things when I'm nervous."

"Why are you nervous?" he asked.

"I think you know why," she told him very quietly.

"My age?" he guessed.

"Gee. You really are smart," she quipped, making sure to smile.

"Oh, I'm a lot smarter than I look," he said as seriously as he could.

Jennifer looked up at him then realized these feelings she was having were for Nick.

"Evidently, I'm not," she told him as her eyes darted back and with between his.

Before she could deal with this newest revelation, Nick leaned in and softly kissed her. It was less than a second, but it shook her to her core. The rush of emotion she felt made her think of the lahar as it all came crashing in on her.

Too confused to talk or even react, Jennifer only looked down then turned to look back at the water.

"It's so beautiful out here," she managed to say.

Nick pulled away a little then waited for her to look at him. When she did, he told her, "Yes, it is."

As corny as that was, Jennifer not only didn't roll her eyes or make a 'pfft' kind of sound, she just stood there looking up at this handsome, younger man she'd only just met, and wondered how she could possibly be feeling anything. And yet she was definitely feeling something, and the intensity of that 'something' scared her more than anything ever had before in her life.

"Look. There's our ride," she said, the incoming ferry in the distance rescuing her from her newfound mental anguish.

"Right. We uh, we should head back to the truck, huh?"

"Yes. We...we probably should," Jennifer said very quietly.

Nick reached for her hand, and when he took it, Jennifer felt powerless to resist. And even more surprising was the realization that she didn't want to resist. And beyond that she knew that if he hadn't taken her hand, she'd have taken his.