He Can Do Her No Wrong

"You know, Shell. What hurts the most is how cavalier you are about my feelings..."

"But, honey..."

"No, Shelly, no 'buts.' Just listen to me." He didn't want to fight either. He was searching sorely for a way to make her understand how much she hurt him. "Just because you don't think I should be hurt, or that I ought to think like you, doesn't give you the right to feel that when I am hurt that it's not your fault." Shelly started to sniffle. Hayden reached over and held her hand. Hayden turned on his night light and leaned over to look Shelly in her eyes.

"When you were having sex with Lewis, did you enjoy it?"

The lengthy silence that followed was uncomfortable for both. Shelly considered lying, because she knew the truth would hurt her husband. Even so, she couldn't lie about it. Not to Hayden.

"Yes, Hayden, I did. You know I did; you were..."

He cut her off quickly. For Hayden, her response was a mixed blessing. He already knew she enjoyed it, so it confirmed her continued inability to lie to him. All the same, it cut him deep.

It is the most profound hurt I have felt in my lifetime, Shelly. I carry it with me every day. Don't misunderstand, I have never once wished Weston hadn't been born. I have never once felt like I wasn't his father. Wes was a gift from God to me." He ceased to gather his thoughts for a moment. "None of that would have changed if you had done an in vitro procedure. My love wouldn't be any different for him had I not been in the room with you. Yet you insisted that I be. From my perspective, NOTHING about my love and feelings for Weston would have changed one iota if you had just agreed to any of my wishes.

"What would have changed, was your feelings about it, Shell. Only yours counted. It's the same with your man 'friend.' Only your feelings, needs, and desires count for anything."

Hayden shut off the light and rolled away from Shelly as far as he could. He could hear her weeping softly. He didn't acknowledge it, because he knew she was sorry. She always was, but would it change anything?

For her part, Shelly was intuitive enough to give Hayden his space. And she acquiesced to Hayden's wishes and never mentioned it again. Time heals all wounds and things got back to normal between them. Their life together went on. Hayden, Shelly, and Uncle Lewis, for that matter, became so wrapped up in young Weston's high school and college activities that there wasn't any time available for worry or reflection.

ANOTHER RUINED SUNDAY DINNER

It was just another typical Sunday Night dinner. Hayden and Shelly were alone again, which was becoming more the norm lately. Weston was close to finishing college. They saw less and less of him. He had told them about a paid internship opportunity after graduation on the opposite coast, three thousand miles away. It looked like he and Shell would have to get used to being alone again. In truth, it made both of them nervous, but they understood it was part of life's journey.

Hayden was hoping that the two of them could use this time to reconnect. He didn't think that they had necessarily drifted apart or lost their love for each other. It was true that Shelly snapped at him now and then. She would later apologize and blame it on 'the change,' as she referred to it. Hayden didn't really mind that much. Hell, as he got older, he got grumpier too. He would joke with Shelly, that perhaps he was going through 'the change' as well!

He was, however, hoping to re-establish more intimacy in their relationship soon. In a few casual conversations about it with Shelly, he was certain she felt the same. It turns out that was true, but only to a point.

"...and then, imagine my surprise when out of the blue, a man twenty-five years younger than me is attracted to me..."

Wait. What the hell is she talking about? I thought we were talking about us and coming to grips with it being just the two of us again. "Oh, so your male 'friend' is finally going to become your lover now, right?" Hayden was half joking because his mind still hadn't completely registered what Shelly was saying.

"What are you talking about Hayden? I haven't even seen him in years. Besides, he would be older than me. I wouldn't even begin to know where to look for him. Why would you even bring that up?"

"I just thought..."

"Hayden, you told me you never wanted to hear anything about him again, so I never mentioned it anymore. About three months after I told you about him, he was transferred, and that was that.

"But let's not get off track here...this is something I need to do, and I'm going to do it. Look, Hayden, I'm not an idiot. Well maybe I'm being stupid, but I'm under no illusions that this young man is in love with me. And, frankly, after we have sex and our weekend is over, for all I know, he will probably be laughing and joking with his buddies about the old hag he bagged. It wouldn't shock me if it isn't some part of a stupid bar game he plays with his friends."

"Jesus, Shell, then why do it? Why debase yourself for a bunch of assholes' amusement?" In his dumbfounded state of mind, it seemed a reasonable question to ask her. Hayden could easily sense her desperation. A small part of him could even appreciate her position. Everyone's self-esteem takes a severe hit when they realize they are old. But this, this was an act of desperation. Never find the betrayal.

Shelly was close to tears. "Hayden, please understand. Look at me, sweetheart. I'm in my fifties. Gravity is taking over the governance of my boobs and butt. The lines on my face have turned into crevices. I have two chins, and if I didn't wax my upper lip every few weeks, I could grow a mustache faster than you. I'm starting menopause. Our sex life has suffered. I get night sweats; I've gained 15 pounds even though I eat less than ever before. Half the time I'm so confused I don't know what I came into a room for..."

"You are exaggerating, Shell. You still look plenty good to me." And Hayden meant it. "I don't care about your sagging boobs and your butt. You've earned every line on your face. I don't give a crap about menopause. I know our sex life has slowed, so what? Do I hold you any less tight at night when we go to bed? Do I walk by you any more often without giving you a squeeze on your ass, or a kiss on the cheek? Have I done anything to make you think that I love you any less than I did before?

"I had no idea that you were that miserable, Shell."

"I'm not miserable, honey. I'm scared. I've never been so frightened in my life. I see my time running out. And I'm not ready for it be over."

Shelly was openly crying. She quickly wrapped her arms tightly around her chest as she shook her head no. But to Hayden, she didn't seem any less determined to do this demeaning conduct. How was this possible?

He really didn't know what to say. There were a million things he could utter, but not without sounding like a whiny little boy and he wasn't going to grovel. This was all about her.

"I'm doing this, Hayden, because I have to, if only for my own selfish ego. I'm not as strong as you, I suppose...."

"Shell, then why are we even having this conversation?" Hayden was stunned. His relationship with Shelly had always been complicated, but this was just a 'fuck you, in your face,' betrayal.

"Because I've always told you that I would tell you before I slept with another man. So... this is me...telling you."

"Shelly, I ah, I don't know..." He stopped speaking and slumped down into his chair. There was no point in any further argument.

"What, Hayden?" She challenged. She stood over him with her feet apart and her hands firmly on her hips, staring him down.

He looked up to meet her gaze and said the only thing he could think of. "Be careful." That was all he could come up with. His despair was overwhelming. His heaviness of heart weighed on his soul like an anvil. His eyes misted over as he gave her a feeble smile. It took every remaining ounce of strength he had left to force himself up out of his chair. He gave a mournful groan as he did so. He stumbled out of the room.

It was Shelly's turn to be shocked as she watched him stagger away. He didn't yell or scream. No argument. Nothing at all from him. He understood. Didn't he?

Two days later, Shelly left for her weekend 'adventure.' They hadn't spoken a single word to each other since she told him what her plans were. Hayden, because he was so crushed and angry. And Shelly, because she didn't know what else to say to lessen his obvious pain. Hayden wasn't even home when she left. Part of her wanted him to make more of an effort to stop her. He would if he really loved her, wouldn't he? She was so confused and conflicted.

Hayden stayed gone for three whole weeks. It was the most miserable period of his life. He was of course upset at Shelly's infidelity, a betrayal of his love really. But mostly, he found himself confounded by her willingness to demean herself in the process. He had always viewed her as a very strong, independent, and dynamic woman. That type of woman didn't do something like this. She just couldn't?

Hayden was a man who prided himself on his ability to analyze a problem, formulate a plan, and implement it quickly and effectively. Now, however, he felt powerless to deal with the crushing anguish that hammered away at him relentlessly. He had no family or close friends to commiserate with. He was too embarrassed to discuss his personal problems with anyone at work.

He did though, talk with a few complete strangers in a bar one night. Their advice was unequivocally to divorce 'the bitch,' as they referred to Shelly. Hayden wasn't so drunk himself though, that he didn't recognize that taking the advice of three drunks who had five divorces between them, may not be the best strategy at the moment. It was also the first and last time he tried to solve his marital problems while drinking in a dingy, dirty old bar named the Witch's Broomstick. Yeah, the owner was the bartender, and he was divorced too. Go figure.

Hayden was disconsolate because every other heartbreak and misery his wife had caused him could be explained away somehow. But not this cold-blooded, in your face, cheating. She had purposely and deliberately hurt and humiliated him. In Hayden's mind, his marriage was over, but after three weeks of merely avoiding Shelly and her repeated futile attempts to contact him, he hadn't accomplished a single step toward that goal. He was simply existing while wallowing in his misery. Oddly, it was his son Weston that gave him some much-needed direction and motivation.

One evening, after another gourmet meal purchased from the 7-Eleven store next to his motel room, Hayden received a rather startling phone call from Weston. Wes was a very smart young man and knew better than to get involved with his parents' relationship issues. Besides, his upbringing wasn't exactly in an Ozzie and Harriet world, so he kept his mouth shut. That's what made this phone call so shocking for Hayden.

"Jesus H. Christ, Dad, what the fuck are you doing?"

"What?" Hayden was so stunned by his son's language and tone of voice, that was His brilliant retort.

"Dad, listen to me. Mom finally told me what the hell she did. She's obviously brain-dead, but you are literally killing her by ignoring her attempts to reach you. I have to go back to school tomorrow. You need to end this nightmare!"

"Look, Weston, you have..."

"Fuck you, Dad!" Weston was screaming so loud, Hayden had to pull the phone away from his ear. "Did you hear what I just said? Do you think I'm bullshitting you? Mom is literally dying before my eyes. She won't eat, and she can't sleep! She hasn't even taken a fucking shower in weeks, and she stinks to high heaven. She has already lost too much weight and can't even hold a coherent conversation..." He spluttered and became tongue-tied.

"She hasn't even been to work. I think they actually fired her!"

"Wes, it's more complicated than you know..." Hayden interrupted.

"Well, Dad, if you mean the part about Uncle Lewis being my biological father, I've known that for more than five years. How fucking stupid do you think I am?" Weston was past being angry. His tone had softened somewhat. Now he was just exasperated with both his dumbshit parents.

Hayden was stunned that Weston knew about his parentage. He and Shelly had always planned on telling him at some point, but Hayden didn't really have time to deal with that right now.

"I pried the rest of the bullshit she has done to you over the years out of her a couple of days after you left the house too, so don't tell me how complicated this is, because it's not really.

"She may be stupid, but nothing she has done rises to the level of a capital offense. So, you either come home or divorce her sorry ass. Personally, I vote for divorcing her, but she's not my wife. At the very least sit down and tell her what is coming next. Because if you don't, her death will be on your hands. Seriously, Dad. I have to get back to school! My last semester starts next week. You need to man up and deal with this shit!" Weston suddenly felt very tired. "Please, Dad, just come home and handle this, one way or the other."

"I'm sorry, Wes. You're right. Tell your mom I will come tomorrow so we can talk. Make it clear to her though, I will be staying in your room."

"Thanks, Dad. I am sorry about all this."

"Me too, son. Me too." He ended the call.

True to his word, Hayden went home the next evening after work. He had hardly made it in the front door when Weston yelled, "goodbye and good luck!" He barely slowed down as he quickly hugged his father, then shot passed him to jump in his car and get as far away from his parents as possible!

Hayden was stunned at the chaotic condition of the house, not to mention the fact that he had fully anticipated Shelly to run a full-court press on him as soon as he stepped into the house, but he got nothing. Well, nothing but the sound of Shelly's sobbing from the upstairs bedroom. Oh, shit, this IS bad. He quickly glanced back to see if there was a chance he could jump in Weston's car and go with him. But no such luck. There was nothing but taillights as Weston sped away.

He trudged up the stairs like a condemned man walking the green mile, to meet his fate. The smell got to him before he even entered what used to be his bedroom.

When she saw him, she did try to get up and come to him. "Stay away from me, Shelly! I'm not interested in anything you have to say to me. I'm here for two reasons. First, to relieve Weston, so he could go back to school. And secondly, that damn motel was starting to feel like home, and that was scaring me. "I've got several things I need to do over the next few days, not the least of which is set up some professional counseling!"

"Oh God, yes. Let's go to counseling..."

"NO, Shell, you haven't changed one iota since the day we met. You don't need the therapy. You are EXACTLY the same person you have always been. I'm the one who needs the therapy. I have to find out why I have let myself be your punching bag for the last thirty years."

Shelly sucked in a breath; Hayden never spoke to her like this. His comments were like a sharp slap to her face, but before she could respond, Hayden continued with his harangue.

"Listen, Shell, maybe we will eventually end up in marriage counseling to see if we can salvage any part of our marriage. But I'm telling you right now, it won't be with you looking like a starving WWII work camp refugee. And furthermore, you stink! I refuse to be seen in public with you until you get a grip on yourself."

"I'm sorry, Hayden, it's just that..."

"Save it, Shell. I don't want to hear any of your usual crap about how you can't live without me. Or how much you love me. I don't want to hear you tell me you are sorry in six different languages or any of the rest of your well-exercised spiel. Get yourself together, then we can start talking about where we go from here. But in the meanwhile, I'm going to counseling, BY MYSELF! You got it?"

"Y-yes, Hayden. I-I-I'm so..."

"And for Christ's sake, I told you to quit saying you're sorry. I get that part!" He roared.

"O-o-ok. I guess I'll go take a shower. I-I do smell a little, don't I?"

Hayden couldn't help himself. He had to laugh at the little refugee girl, who used to be his dominant wife, standing forlornly before him. He slowly held up his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart for her to see. He pointed towards the shower with his other hand, and Shelly slunk away. No matter how his marriage ended up, Hayden loved her, and couldn't stand by and watch her disintegrate. He knew he was being brutal, but Weston was right, Shelly was literally dying, and he needed to shock her back to the living. It looked like that part of his plan would work anyway. But he really, really did need to find out what was wrong with him.

WHEN LOVE IS NOT MADNESS, IT IS NOT LOVE. (Pedro Calderon de la Barca )

"What is so wrong with me Doc, that has allowed me to waste my entire adult life on someone who obviously doesn't love me. Sometimes I think she gets off on hurting me."

This was how Hayden opened his third scheduled session with Dr. McCall. His first two sessions with the doctor consisted mainly of Hayden relating all the hurt he had experienced during his marriage.

"Please tell me, Doctor?"

Dr. Emmett McCall had over twenty years of experience in marriage and family counseling. Even though he had heard it all before a thousand times, he shook his head and gave a sardonic chuckle at Hayden's anguished query. He didn't think it was funny; it was just that it never ceased to amaze him how much guilt the cheated-on experienced. Frequently it was more than the cheater. Dr. McCall though never prescribed to the popular counseling theory that the cheated-on spouse necessarily shared some guilt along with the cheater.

He felt that was just a simple tool some therapists used to give the couple common ground to work on as they tried to reestablish their relationship. That argument did have some merit. In Dr. McCall's experience, a relationship where one party wielded a morally superior position as a sword of Damocles, was doomed to fail. It was generally true that in all relationships there was a dominant and a subservient party. Normally, this helped the relationship work better. But a superior-inferior association was another thing entirely and could never survive.

No, he had to help the injured party find the answers to their questions. Most of which were legitimate. It was up to the individual to make the determinations about their future. Many of his colleagues bragged about how many relationships they had 'saved.' Doctor McCall felt it was more important that the parties in a relationship made the best decision for themselves first. That way each party negotiated from a position of strength. If the relationship survived, it was because both wanted it too. Not from some sort of shared obligation or association of guilt for having put the union in jeopardy.

"Hayden, from what I can tell, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your only 'mistake,' if you will, is that you fell in love."

"Huh?"

"Look, Hayden. You've spent our last two sessions telling me all about your life together with Shelly. It's obvious to me that you love her deeply. And, based on what you've told me, she loves you too. I also will take it at face value when you tell me she has never lied to you. The irony is, that if she did lie to you and hid her infidelities, you would probably not be here. And in fact, be a much happier man. 'Fat, dumb, and happy,' I believe is the popular vernacular.

"You are hurting so bad because what she is telling you seems to be true. She really is an open book." Hayden started to speak but Dr. McCall continued. "In a way you're lucky. What kills a man's soul, more than a woman's I believe, is uncertainty. The lack of trust will create a hole in a man's heart when he is unsure of his wife's faithfulness. And that void can destroy him. You don't have that problem. Maybe women are smarter than us because they assume their man lies to them? I'm not sure if that's accurate..."