In Your Arms...

"Oh‚ that's not a big deal."

We exchanged our numbers and he dropped me at the intensive care unit again.

"I will be back soon. Call me if you need anything‚" he said and went away.

I was lost in my dreams for the rest of the day. Though I didn't climax but more than once I felt my love canal oozing dampness. It was the hospital environment that had me control my emotions.

"Oh Sam‚ I am indeed missing you more than ever‚" I thought to myself.

My dreams got shattered on the stroke of midnight with the death of my father. My brother and me cried our hearts out against the lifeless body of my father but he didn't wake up. I needed the broad shoulders of Sam to console me. I called on him to share the news.

He picked up the call. His voice sounded sleepy.

"What's the matter‚ Madhavi? Is everything okay?"

Controlling my tears‚ I managed to slip off the news.

"Okay‚ I will be there."

And those were the last words that I heard of Dr.Samir. He didn't turn up. I called again and this time my phone was not picked up. Something was seriously wrong.

Did he use me? Were those kind words made just to satisfy his carnal desires?

I cursed myself for having extra faith in strangers.

We brought back our father to our village. After the last rites were performed‚ I realized how alone had I become! My brother would stay out of the house all day long and there was no one I could talk to. I called on Sam a few more times‚ but he didn't respond. It was painful. It felt like someone had stabbed a dagger into my heart.

How could someone cheat me just to sleep with me?

Tears had vanished from my eyes and I sat like a statue for hours. My neighbors saw my condition and they thought that death of my father had made me so. They talked to my brother and finally it was decided that I would be married off. But I could not talk to anyone as to how much I despised men and was not ready to marry.

Few weeks later‚ it was my wedding night. I sat on the bed of a new stranger. I was determined to talk to him regarding my virginity. There were other things also that I needed to talk to him about. I could hear whispers approaching my room. Perhaps my husband was being teased by his relatives. He was pushed into the room by his relatives and then he bolted the door from the inside. He was going to have sex with me and then make me pregnant. All my dreams were going to be crushed in one moment. Yes‚ I needed to talk to him.

***

Three months on and Samir is in reflective mood.

Everything had gone as for plan. I was bowled over by the beauty of Madhavi and my doubts of her being a virgin were soon confirmed. She looked miles away from all the other girls I had slept with and moreover I hadn't fucked a virgin earlier. These were the two reasons that gave rise to my desires to have her in my bed. From the way she gave herself to my desires, she must have fallen in love with me. Poor girls fell in love so easily. Sometimes I wondered if it was correct to hurt her but then I also thought over that‚ as she was a good girl‚ God must have taken good care of her.

Three months had passed by since I last met Madhavi. I had completed my internship by then and was in search of job. I had met two new girls during this time‚ and it was all fun. But all the while I had a recurrent dream.

A crying girl‚ would suddenly hang herself from the branches of a tree. When I would go close‚ I would stare into the face of Madhavi.

That would wake me up and keep me awake for the rest of the night. It was during this time that I noticed something else. All the girls that I was having sex with‚ would doze off once everything was over without enquiring how I felt. It was Madhavi only who had asked me if I was happy and that she was ready to relieve me whenever I was stressed out. ‚

And suddenly‚ everything seemed so proper to me. The other girls were using me for their pleasure and I thought I was the happy one. It was only Madhavi who had cared for my happiness. The dream had made me feel guiltier. I knew I had to call her.

I called on her number. It was out of service. I called on Amit and talked to him regarding Madhavi.

"Are you in love with her?"

"I don't know‚ but I just want to meet her. May be I want to say her sorry for everything."

Indeed‚ I was not sure whether I was actually in love with her. I just wanted to meet her.

"So how can we find her?" I asked.

"Should we go the telecom operator?" Amit asked me.

"Why would they disclose anyone's address? Moreover it seems she might have changed her number."

We were both into eternal silence when Amit spoke again.

"The ICU register‚ they have everyone's address there."

There was a sparkle in my eyes which died down soon.

"Now how do we remember the date?"

"You don't remember the date? Had I slept with a beautiful girl‚ I would have surely remembered‚"

"This is not the time to joke. I am into something serious."

"As serious as love?" Amit asked.

"I don't know‚" I said and fell lost to myself.

Amit continued with his ideas.

"You said you had taken her to a hotel. We can go to the hotel to find the date."

"Yeah that will do."

There was again a sparkle in my face only to die down again.

"But I have gone to the same hotel many times with other girls."

"No my dear‚ you spend most of your colorful time inside your room to make us jealous. Now listen carefully as to what I say. You say it was three months back. We will ask them to search the register of three months old. As this is September‚ we will ask him to search for the months of May and June. Now say Mr. Lover has gone approximately ten times during this period. So‚ what we do is mark those dates and search in the ICU register. The work looks tedious but that is all I can think of."

I listened to Amit and liked his idea. I got up and hugged him tightly.

"Hey leave me‚" he screamed. "I am not gay."

"Neither am I‚" I said and released him. "So‚ let's move to the hotel."

"Okay. Let's do it."

We went to the hotel. The receptionist was sitting at the counter.

"She looks beautiful. Let me talk to her‚" Amit whispered to my ears.

On any other day‚ I would have disagreed to his idea but something within me stopped me from talking to girls.

"Okay you proceed."

Amit moved ahead.

"Madam‚ we need to search for your registers for the month of May and June."

"Sorry sir. We can't allow it."

"And who can allow it?" Amit asked.

"Well then you need to speak to our manager."

"Where is he?" Amit asked further.

She pointed us to a closed door and we moved in that direction.

Even on repeated requests the manager was not ready to search for us. And then Amit did something. He took out a five hundred rupees note from his pocket and placed it on the table.

The manager was quick to put the money into his pocket and then gave us a big smile.

"Wait here‚ sir. Let me get the registers."

We smiled at each other on our small success.

Thankfully I had visited only five to six times in May and June. Yes‚ that's what the records said. I was beginning to feel ashamed of myself. Maybe‚ I was not suitable for her. We jotted down the six dates and straightaway proceeded to the ICU. There we were informed that old records were in the record section.

A similar story and another five hundred rupees later‚ the man at the register office brought up the registers of May and June. There were six patients who were admitted and expired in two days during those six dates. Two were discarded as they were females and another one a man in his early thirties.

We were now left with three names. I tried to recollect the surname of Madhavi but all she had said to me was her name. One of the three addresses was in the same town but the other two were at least two hundred kilometers away from here. I had the confidence to cover all the three places and gave Amit that look.

"Okay‚ okay I will accompany you‚" was his reply.

We jotted down the names and addresses of all three individuals and thus started our journey in search of Madhavi. The first house in town was rejected within the next thirty minutes. The second journey of two hundred kilometers took us four hours by road. It took us another two hours to search for the house. The positive thing about the tiring journey was that it left us with the last name on the list. The worst part of the journey was that the last place was now flooded by the restless rivers and the news revealed that it had virtually been cut off from the rest of the world.

But then no storm could sweep me away from my destination.

"Are you seriously planning to go there?"

"Yeah‚ I have already wasted three months. One single hour is valuable now. You have already helped me a lot. You can stay back."

"Are you mad? You asked me to help you out to search for her. For the first time in your life you seem to be doing something noble. Don't ask me to back up till we find her."

Friendship had its boundary wall grafted on the sky. I was proud to find a friend like Amit.

It was evening and Amit convinced me to start the following morning. My phone rang and I was desperate to see if it was Madhavi. It wasn't Madhavi but one of the girls I had slept with.

"Hello Sam‚ should I come over tonight? We can have some fun‚" she said‚ giggling as she spoke.

"No dear‚ I am too busy right now. We can talk later."

I disconnected before she could say another word.

The dream of the weeping girl continued to haunt me at night and I could not sleep further. I was desperate for the first ray of sunlight. The night was much longer than the tedious journey I had made during the day. As soon as dawn kissed the sky‚ I hurried to wake up Amit. He got up instantly and we prepared for our journey to the flooded village.

The roads were bad to worse and a hundred kilometer journey took us four hours. The flood waters had receded to some extent. People walked through the water whose depth was less than knee height. We parked our bike on one side of the flowing waters under the canopy of a shop.

There was of course the danger of snakes but seeing the other people‚ we proceeded into the waters. Both Amit and me‚ didn't know the first about swimming. It was a twenty meter long stretch and we wondered if the river would drown us. We would close our eyes and call the Almighty‚ something which we had done only during our exams. Thankfully‚ nothing of the sought happened as we climbed the furthest banks into the village.

Madhavi would be so happy on seeing me‚ I thought.

After much enquiry we finally stood in front of the house. It was locked from outside. I was disappointed but thankfully‚ the neighbor's door was opened though.

On enquiry‚ I was shocked to hear that Madhavi had been married off ten days back. Somebody had shot an arrow into my heart. I took time to collect myself up.

Amit put a hand over my shoulder and asked

"Should we go back?"

"No‚" I was firm in my reply. "I need her address. I have to ask for forgiveness."

Thankfully‚ the neighbors had the address where she was married and we took off after thanking them. My legs were getting weak and I hoped the river would pull me and drown me. I had heard that virginity was a big issue in rural marriages and I just wished she had a happy time with her husband.

The journey further was torturous for me. Nothing felt okay and I put my head on Amit's back as he drove the bike. The village was a two hour journey from our current location. It was raining heavily all along the way and the muddy roads made the journey worse. We reached the address and knocked on the door. I was finally sure that the quest for her was finally going to be over.

But it wasn't Madhavi who opened the door. An old woman in her early sixties looked quizzically at us.

"What do you want?"

"We want to meet Madhavi?"

"Don't take the name of that scoundrel in our home? By the way‚ who are you?"

Her pupils had dilated‚ and her face was red with rage. She seemed to be the mother-in-law. It was common for them to talk ill about their daughter's-in -law‚ but this seemed too much. We had to be careful regarding our identity. Simultaneously I desperately wished to convince them that Madhavi had a heart of gold and surely there must be some misunderstanding in the family.

Even before we could answer that lady‚ a male voice called from inside.

"Who is it‚ mom?"

"Some people have come to ask about Madhavi‚" she shouted back.

"Okay‚ I am handling them. You go inside."

The one who came outside was a young man of approximately our age. He was handsome and charming to look at. He had to be Madhavi's husband and together they would surely have complemented each other.

Lord has chosen the right man for her‚ I thought and smiled at my misfortune.

"Yes sir‚ how can I help you? By the way‚ don't mind my mother's words‚ she has the habit of cursing."

"We are her friends. We could not come to her marriage‚ so came here instead‚" Amit was quick to reply.

"Well the truth is she doesn't live here anymore."

We looked surprised at him.

"What happened to her?" I asked.

"Well she said that she loved someone and that her lover ditched her. That made her go into deep depression and that she is not ready to start family with anyone else. Imagine how I felt when she said this on our wedding night, right on the nuptial bed."

"Did she name the lover?" Amit pushed another question on the man.

"No‚" said the man. "But I feel pity on that man who ditched her. How could anyone cheat her? She seemed to be the sweetest creature on earth."

Amit and me looked at each other and I felt ashamed of myself.

"So where can we find her?"

"Well she had got job as a teacher in a higher secondary school. She had brought the appointment order along with her. I made arrangements so that she could leave my home even before anyone would wake up. Nothing is her fault. It's just that my mother is not ready to forgive her or understand her problems. But I understood her and made arrangements for her to go to that village."

"Do you have her address?"

"Yes certainly‚ but why should I give it to you?" he enquired.

It was time to spill out the truth.

"Because I am the unfortunate man who ditched her‚" I said in a low tone.

Suddenly the man got angry. Before I could make any move‚ he had slapped me hard on my face.

"You have wasted three lives. I can call all the villagers‚ and get you killed now but I know that she must be waiting for you. Being her husband‚ it is my duty to safeguard her interest so I am letting you go. Rest assured though, if I hear you have hurt her again then I will kill you myself."

And he went inside. I knew I was at fault so took the slap with all honor. She must be in still deeper pain than the pain of this slap‚ I thought to myself.

The man came back with a piece of paper.

"Take her address. The place is at least 200 kms from this place. The place is in a forest range and there are reports of Maoist activities in that area. It is better if you go there in the daytime."

"Thank you very much‚" I said as we set to leave.

"And say to her that there is nothing to worry about. I have contacted a lawyer to declare this marriage null and void. We might need a few of her signatures and I will write to her once all the papers are ready."

There were bad people like me and then there were also good people like this man. And it was for these good men that the world was a beautiful place to live in.

Hearing the word 'Maoist'‚ Amit shook with fear. He was not ready to undergo the journey at night.

"Just in case‚ we don't find Madhavi there..." he expressed his fear.

"Listen Amit‚ I now realize that I am indeed in love with Madhavi. Also I have now this faith that there is a supreme power above all of us who guides us the way. It's still a few hours to evening. I think we can make it before evening."

"As you wish‚" he said. "But I am feeling very hungry as we haven't eaten anything since morning."

Yes‚ I had completely forgotten about hunger. We stopped at a roadside hotel to kill our hunger. The food was all spicy and it burned our mouth and the entire food tract. We were virtually in tears and had to drink water to compensate the pain. But it was hunger that needed to be killed. There was no other option for that‚ and we continued to offend our internals with the food.

The rain had finally stopped‚ and the skies had cleared off. Our final journey of four hours was into the jungle. The roads were good though‚ but dark as the trees that ran along the roads prevented the sunlight from piercing their shade. Only our watches showed us the time as afternoon‚ the dense foliage leaving a sense of evening all around.

The weather was cold as we shivered into the jungle. We had no idea where to stay for the night as certainly we didn't expect hotels to be around. I was desperate to punish myself for my misdoings and was ready to go any extent but I felt pity for Amit for accompanying me. Thankfully‚ no Maoists blocked our road and it was seven on our watches as we entered the village.

There were huts everywhere and the people were mostly tribal. We were not familiar with their languages and it was a tough job to convey a simple message about Madhavi's whereabouts. It was finally a schoolboy who understood us and took us to a small school. It was already dark everywhere and the sounds of crickets chirping filled the air. The torch on our mobile was the only means of illumination.

Besides the school‚ there were three to four rooms.

"There‚ madam lives there."

The boy pointed us to one particular room and went away. My heart started beating again. All the tiredness of the journey suddenly vanished away. I was feeling like a nervous lover who was on his way to make it up with his love.

What would I say to her? How do I start? A lot of questions juggled in my brain.

"You stay behind‚" Amit said to me. "She might get angry. Let me approach the door."

Yes‚ he was right‚ I thought and pulled my legs back.

Amit went ahead and knocked at the door‚ once and then twice.

"Who is it?" a woman's voice came from inside.

"We have come to meet Madhavi. We are from her in-laws' village. Please open the door‚" Amit said.

"Wait a minute‚" the voice said.

There was clanging sounds of the door bolt opening. There‚ right in front of us‚ stood a middle aged woman. I suddenly realized that like all other places Madhavi was not there. I fought back my disappointment and put an ear to the woman's words.

"Yes‚ who are you?" she asked.

"Well we have come to meet Madhavi‚" Amit said.

"At this hour!" the woman enquired.

"Sorry for that but it is urgent‚" Amit said.

"What is so urgent?" she asked further.

"Someone is dying and his last wish was to meet Madhavi‚" Amit was ready with answers.

Hearing the word 'dying'‚ another figure rushed from inside the room. My face started smiling again. The little light that the room offered sent waves of excitation all through my body. There was my love standing at the door. I wanted to fall at her feet and ask for forgiveness. I again wished to take her in my arms and hold her for all my life. I was still standing in the dark and there was no way she could see me.

She looked at Amit. They had not met each other previously.

"Who are you? Who is dying?" she asked.

Yes‚ this was the voice of my dear Madhavi.

"You don't know me‚ but I have suffered enough for you‚" Amit explained in an innocent tone.

"I don't understand puzzles. Tell me who is dying." Her voice seemed worried.