Innocent Child

"Why don't you start from the beginning, Julie," Michael said trying to move things along.

"Yes, that would be for the best," Julie agreed and took a deep breath. "Well, it began I suppose when Alex, Sara's, and Oscar's father, and I hit a rocky patch in our marriage. He started working a lot of hours. He usually got home from work first and prepared dinner, but when I got home, he wasn't home, and dinner wasn't cooking, and I started to resent him for that. I probably should have talked to him, but I didn't. I had forgotten what he was working on, and I might have never asked, either way, I allowed my resentment to build, I started to find him less attractive, and our intimacy became less and less which grew my resentment.

"During the time Alex was working long hours, your father joined the school I was teaching at the time as the new deputy head teacher. We didn't have much to do with each other at first. He barely knew who I was, but I felt a little attracted to him. He was very confident. Alex's hours then began to return to normal but my resentment towards him didn't go away. The head teacher proposed that the school had a science fair and asked your father to organise it and he asked me to assist him. It meant I began to work long hours at the school and work closely with your father," Julie smiled wistfully at the memory.

"Your father was funny as well as confident. I laughed so much working with him and I think I began to flirt with him. The science fair was a big success and at the end of the evening when the parents came to see the children's work and everyone had gone home, your father asked me if I wanted to go for a drink to celebrate. Of course, I said yes. We were both married, but I didn't care. It was just a celebratory drink to celebrate, but it wasn't. We hugged as we went to leave. It had been a while feeling myself in a man's arms and it felt so good. That hug turned into the most wonderful kiss.

"Our affair then began. Alex never suspected anything and to be honest I wouldn't have cared if he did. I didn't care that your father was married either. Your father and I messaged each other constantly. We then had the opportunity to go to a teaching conference and that was when we crossed the line and had sex." Julie gave a little laugh when she saw Freya's disgusted face.

"That is how affairs work. We slept together at any opportunity we had. We invented educational conferences, pretended to work late, and any other excuses to either date or spend the night together. It was such an amazing time. I was completely lost in our affair and fell in love with your father. My thoughts began to turn to leaving Alex and then it happened after six months of our affair, I became pregnant with you.

"For the first time, I panicked. On the one hand, I was happy, but on the second I wasn't in a position to leave Alex. My mind was all over the place and I made my first and last mistake, I left the pregnancy test lying around. I think Sara found it and showed Alex. Alex didn't say anything for a while. It must have been two or three weeks until he confronted me. I hadn't even told your father I was pregnant.

"When Alex did confront me, he had all the evidence. He had the pregnancy test I thought I had thrown away and screenshots of all my messages with Simon and hotel receipts. We had a huge argument. I blamed Alex for everything. He filed for divorce and moved out. Not only that he told everybody, our families, and friends.

"Worst of all was that Sara and Oscar were so angry with me and they have never forgiven me. They were only just about old enough to understand what was happening.

"I lost almost all my friends. My parents made no secret of their disappointment. I had a huge argument with Auntie Harriet. No one wanted to meet your father, but Alex was still treated as part of the family. I was so angry with that. Alex even told the school. Life at work became very uncomfortable. The head teacher was furious because of how much our affair damaged the school's reputation. Things then began to move very quickly after that.

"After I told Simon I was pregnant, his wife threw him out and he came to live with me, Sara and Oscar. That made the situation worse. Once our divorces were finalised, I was about six months pregnant. Considering how bitter the divorce was, I was surprised how quickly it went through. Your father's divorce was quicker. I got the house in the divorce and your father somehow managed to get a headteachers job in another part of the country, so I sold the house and took Sara and Oscar with me to spite their father.

"I thought if we moved away, we could start again and be a happy family. Your father and I got married just before you were born. However, Sara and Oscar became more difficult than they already were. Your father had to look after them because I was pregnant and looking after you when you were born, and they made no secret of their dislike of your father. He tried everything, but they would not accept him and when they went to university they never returned.

"When you were born, I thought life would be so happy and you would bring everyone together, you were such a pretty baby, but Sara and Oscar showed no interest in you. I tried everything to get them to bond with you, but they just wouldn't. I could see them excluding you when you were older, so I tried to make them spend time with you. I spent all my energy doing that, and I forgot to be a mother to you."

Julie closed her eyes and composed herself when she felt herself welling up again.

"So, you see I messed up everything. I compounded doing the wrong thing by doing another wrong thing and I hurt everyone in the process, most of all you because you are in the centre of all this through no fault of your own. I heard what people called you and it broke my heart. I am so sorry for doing this to you."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this? Why did you keep it a secret from me?" Freya demanded.

Julie looked at her daughter sadly, "Because I started lying when had my affair with your father and lying became a habit. I had to lie so people wouldn't find out about our affair. I had to lie so people wouldn't find out how your father and I got together. I lied to you so you wouldn't have the burden of knowing how you came into the world. I just lied and lied. The only lie I can justify was the one to stop you from finding out that your father didn't want you because no child should know that. My whole relationship with your father was based on lies. It is a miracle that our marriage lasted as long as it did because being with a man who didn't want their daughter is not a happy one. I despised your father for that. I am ashamed that you have a father like that, but I didn't have the courage to leave him.

"Look at me, Freya?" Julie continued despondently, tears flowing down her cheeks. "I am in my fifties, and I am going to be divorced for the second time and the chances of me finding someone else is almost non-existent at my age and track record. I have two children who don't like me, and I have done a good job of making my youngest child dislike me too. The prospect of starting again at my age is terrifying. This is not how I ever imagined my life would be. This is not how I planned or wanted it. I have made a mess of everything all because I lied to everybody. Please don't ever be like me.

"I am so sorry for everything I have done to you. Everything I have done and all the lies I told was to hide the truth. To hide how much of a bad person I am and how much of a bad mother I am. I am so sorry; I never gave you a chance. You are such a smart and beautiful girl. Everything you have achieved is despite your father and me. You deserve better parents than your father and me. It is killing me to admit that. You are an innocent child, but you are treated like a sin that was never yours. It is wrong and so unfair on you, but the fault is with me and your father. I love you, Freya, and I am so very proud of you."

Freya looked at her mother in confusion and distress. She heard the words she had wanted to hear all her life, but it was at the price of her mother's sordid confession. Her mother, an intelligent woman tearfully confessing to a multitude of sins is too much for any child.

"I feel so worthless. Mum. I've felt like a mistake all my life. I've never felt wanted by anybody," Freya sobbed.

Julie doubled over in pain and let out a wail. Even for Michael, the emotions were intense, but he allowed it to continue. They had overrun their session but what was being said was long overdue and it needed to reach its conclusion.

"Freya, you are the only good that has come out of it all," Julie told her daughter when she was able to speak again. "You are the only person your grandparents are happy to see. They despise your father, and they never stopped being disappointed in me, but they adore you. When I held you for the first time, I fell in love with you. You are a precious gift. A gift I don't deserve. You are loved, you are wanted, and you are incredibly important to me. I'm going to change, Freya. I'm going to change for you. I can't change the past, but I can try to be a better mother for you. I will try and be the mother you deserve."

Julie tentatively reached out towards her daughter to embrace her but was unsure if she would be rejected or not. Freya bit her lip but moved towards her mother and they slowly took each other into each other's arms. Once in their embrace, they clung onto each other tightly unwillingly to let go while they sobbed with relief into each other's shoulder.

Michael watched on and gave a little laugh. For the first time in a long time, he felt he was witnessing a happy ending, but he needed to end their session.

"What do you plan to do, Julie," he asked interrupting the tender moment in front of him.

Julie smiled as she held her daughter, "I am going to try and reconcile with everyone, in particular Sara and Oscar so Freya can have a brother and sister. I need to give Freya the family she should have had the day she was born. I'm going to start to try and do the right thing and stop lying. I'm going to fix myself and be the mother Freya needs me to be. Also, I think when you leave school, Freya, we should move closer to Sara, Oscar, and your grandparents so you can be near family. If that is what you want, Freya."

"Yeah, I would like that," Freya said happily.

"You will need a lot of therapy to do that," Michael pointed out.

"Whatever it takes," Julie replied with a great deal of certainty.