Masculine and Beautiful

He quickly sat on the couch and took her into his arms. He hugged her tightly. "I love you so much, Mom. I'll never upset or hurt you, or make you feel sad again. I p-promise."

"I love you, Tommy." Mara's arms tightened around his shoulders. Correct or not, it suddenly felt as if the healing process had just started. She hoped she was right. If she could figure out what was 'most right' to do regarding Phil, hopefully soon things would be back to normal once again. She and Tommy still needed to talk more. Make sure everything was out in the open.

She tapped Tommy's shoulder. He pulled away. "Would you please get me a glass of juice. And... I think we need to discuss everything more." Mara shut her eyes. She was scared to death she'd not be able to face Phil tomorrow. She needed more time to prepare. To prepare to lie to him by omission for the rest of her life. Her guilt, regret, and remorse skyrocketed yet again.

"Sure, Mom." Tommy rose, thinking about what she had said, how she'd never forget that night with him. He headed to the kitchen and returned a minute later with a glass of cranberry juice for her and soda for himself. He went to the chair to sit.

As they sipped their drinks, Mom basically reviewed everything that they had already said. He posed another question then finished his soda. He had just asked her again if she was going to talk with Dad about their marriage and sex life and if she'd sort of tell him what she was going to say to Dad.

"Tommy, as I've told you, I've tried talking to him. I... I don't even know how I'd start the conversation with him. Yes, I should and will talk to him again, but..." She stopped speaking when she saw Tommy's eyes grow distant yet intense too. He was looking right at her but she knew he wasn't seeing her.

Tom blinked. "Mom, what about this? Remember how I was crying last Friday about Marcia?"

"Yes."

"Tell him about that."

"What?" Her brow pinched. "Tell him what?"

"You tell him how I was crying, how... how I said I was torn up because... because I loved her so much, and I was so in love with her, and then... mention how you guys were really in love before too, you know, not just loved each other, but were in love with each other, and then... then you can say... can ask him why you and he aren't like that anymore, why aren't you in love. That's... that's your lead in, he'll... he'll listen because I'm sure he'd want to hear about me acting like a damn wimp."

"Tommy, he'll just say we're not teenagers anymore."

"Yeah... okay, but then you say, you really need to feel like a teenager again! That-that you really miss how it was between you two, and-and you want that back again. That you need that back again. Then say... then point out that-that I'll be going to school in a couple months, so will Denise, and you two will be alone again, in a way, sort of like it was when you were going out in college, and when it was early in your marriage."

He started to smile. "And... it's all true, even the part about me!" He let the smile appear. "I think Dad's an idiot about you, but I don't think he's dead or totally blind. And-and... tell him to get a script for those E-D pills! And... and if he pulls that we're not teenagers crap, get... get angry! Why not?! It does make you angry, doesn't it? That should make him start listening to you, right?"

Mara actually thought it was a good idea, but she realized Tommy really didn't understand at all what she was feeling, and what she was scared of happening. How good or lousy her sex life was with Phil, wasn't her main concern any longer. She wanted to be able to save her marriage, somehow make it all up to Phil, to repent, but she didn't know if that would be fair to Phil. She also didn't know if she could ever become "normal" again, carrying the horrible secret in her heart, and in essence lying to Phil for the rest of her life.

*

The first test for Mara about whether she'd be able to face her husband came an hour after dinner. The landline phone rang. Tommy ran to the kitchen to get it.

"Hello?" Tom figured it was Dad calling. He usually did the night before he returned from a business trip. He usually called every day he was away. He hadn't done that this time. He wondered again if Dad was playing around on Mom.

Mara watched him. She knew it was Phil calling about his arrival time tomorrow and that he'd just take an airport limo back to the house. Her stomach knotted tightly.

"Not much, you know, just hangin' with the guys." Tom was really nervous. He glanced at his mother on the couch. She was staring at him with wide eyes, her teeth clamped on her lower lip. She looked even more nervous than he felt. "Ahh... yeah, she's around. Let me find her." He pressed the mute button on the cordless, making sure he pressed it in. He started towards Mom. "It's... it's Dad." He came closer. She looked petrified. "You... ahhh... are you in?"

Mara nodded. She took a deep slow breath, then held her hand out. Tommy pressed the button to unmute the phone then gave it to her. "Phil?"

"Hi honey. Sorry again for not calling much. I've been working sixteen hour days. Listen, I've got some bad news. I'm going to be stuck out here for... at least a few more days. The... the Feds might be getting involved."

Suddenly Mara's nervousness was sidetracked. "The... the Feds? What do you mean?"

"My team found some... accounting errors, repetitive errors in the subcontractor deliveries on at least five DOD contracts. So, by Feds, I mean federal prosecutors, and the FBI."

Mara blinked. "Oh my god. Who... what... I mean..."

Phil interrupted, "Honey, sorry, but I can't tell you much about it, especially over my cell phone. We're still looking through files. In fact we're literally moving a ton of documents, boxes of them. At least I'm getting exercise. We have to photocopy every piece of paper that's on the subpoena. Today's been both physical and tedious."

"You can't tell me more about it?"

Phil took a slow breath. "It's... okay, listen... in essence, the corporation is paying some subcontractors for parts that don't exist, and the DOD has been charged for those nonexistent parts. The sub is undoubtedly kicking money back to... person or persons in management out here." He sighed. "Damn... I must be exhausted. I really shouldn't have told you that. Make sure you don't mention it to anyone. Okay, Mara?"

"I won't, Phil. Do... do you know who's been doing it?"

"We've got a pretty good idea. Mara, really, you can't mention this to anyone. Stock prices, other concerns, plus it involves the Defense Department."

"Phil, I won't tell anyone. So... when did you say you're coming back?"

"Not until Wednesday at the earliest. Maybe not until next Friday."

Mara tensed. She glanced at Tommy sitting in the arm chair again. She had been scared thinking about facing Phil and keeping her secret, for a moment she got more frightened that he'd not be here tomorrow. No! Never again! She decided it was a good turn of events, there would be a few more days for her to sort things out, and hopefully life to approach normal at the house again. She needed time to figure out how to handle it, how to try to atone for her sins, how to face Phil and not break down into a sobbing mess. "I... I miss you, honey." She realized that was the truth.

"I miss you too, sweetheart. Just a second, got another call."

She listened to ten seconds of silence, then Phil came on again.

"Honey? I have to take this other call. I'll phone you on Monday, maybe I'll have a better idea then when I'll be coming home."

"All right. I-I love you, Phil." She did and it made her guilt burgeon yet again.

"Love you too, honey. I'll talk to you soon."

The line went dead. She pressed the end button. Her ongoing state of guilt, remorse, and shame continued growing, knowing she was glad she'd have a few more days to figure out how to hide her sins from her husband, who, even with all her disappointments regarding him and their marriage, she still did truly love. He really was the love of her life. How could I have broken my vows to him?!

Tom's gut was knotted. "What... what did he say?"

She set the cordless down, then turned to Tommy. "He said he probably won't be back until Wednesday at the earliest. He'll call Monday to-to let us know for sure." Mara's eyes began to tear.

Tom didn't relax, in fact his gut tensed more. "Mom? You really love him, I mean a lot, don't you? Even though he... he's not much in love with you."

Mara's face scrinched. She nodded as tears dripped from her eye lashes.

Tom's eyes also moistened. "Mom... I'd really like to hug you right now. Can I?"

Mara nodded again. Tommy sat next to her and wrapped her in his arms. Her profile lay on his shoulder, as she started softly crying.

"It's all my fault, Mom. We're... going to-to figure out how to wake Dad up. We... we will figure something out. I want you to be happy, Mom. I want that more than anything."

Mara realized her son wasn't interpreting her tears correctly, they had nothing to do with what she wanted. How could I have done this to Phil? How could I have done those things with Tommy? I've hurt they both so terribly!

Tom spoke softly, "Need another tissue?" Mom nodded. He leaned forward and grabbed the tissue box. She took a couple.

"Let me sit back, Tommy." When he pulled his arm from around her shoulders, she leaned back, wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"Do... you want me to sit in the chair?"

The tissue was at her nose again. She shook her head. "No, sit here next to me." She used the tissue again.

"Mom? I know you feel awful about... ahh, about Dad, please don't let this upset you, but I want to tell you a thought I had."

She looked at him still wiping her nose. She lowered her hand. "What?"

"You and Dad have been married for like over twenty years, right?"

"Twenty-one."

"You were never with... ahh... anyone until the other night, with... with me." He saw his mother's eyes tear up yet again. "We were together Tuesday night for a total of... of like seven hours and like over half of those were sleeping. I know people are never supposed to... ahh... stray after they're married, and yeah, it's wrong, but... on one hand you have twenty-one years of being, you know, faithful, and on the other hand really only like three hours of... of not doing that. I-I know you wish those few hours didn't happen, and I know you feel terrible and guilty about it, but three hours isn't that much out of twenty-one years. I think you should cut yourself some slack about it."

She knew it was a rationalization and that Tommy was trying to make her feel better, but he really didn't understand. Yes, looking at it that way made it might seem insignificant, but she knew it wasn't. She cheated on the love of her life and possibly psychologically and emotionally scarred her son. Somehow she had to make everything right. She hoped she'd be able to figure out how. She was glad she had almost five more days to do that, just knowing that made the weight on her feel a tad lighter and gave her hope.

* * *

CHAPTER 7

Mara was glad she and Tommy talked yesterday, and that Phil had called. Warranted or not, this morning she was feeling more confident about the situation, and although she knew the guilt and remorse would be with her for the rest of her life, she would make amends for it in every way possible, to Tommy and especially to Phil.

As she had after that Friday night, she now also felt she and Tommy would be able to go back to and maybe somehow might even have a better mother-son relationship, not because of the sex they had shared, but the trauma they shared afterwards. Tommy did love her as his mother. She knew he had been telling the truth about leaving home in order to help her. He knew it had all been a horrible mistake the first time and the second time. Alcohol, desire, love, lust, and fantasies was an explosive mixture.

She was glad that she'd have a few more days to get herself together before Phil came home. She would do everything she could to make it up to him. And if their eventual talk about their sex life didn't change anything, she'd live with it, accept it. She loved him. Nothing was perfect. Everything was going to be all right.

For the first time in days she actually felt calm and physically refreshed. It was probably good she spent an hour and a half at the health club earlier. She picked up her pace walking through the outdoor mall. She was still wearing her exercise outfit, plus her tan wrap around skirt. The temperature had dropped over ten degrees last night, so even though the sun was brightly shining, the heavy humidity and heat of the past week was gone, replaced with the more mild summer weather that was usual for the first half of summer.

The heating/cooling contractor had called yesterday evening, apologized for not calling earlier, then said early next week would be the soonest he'd have someone available to make a service call. Mara recalled thinking a week ago it wouldn't be repaired until the day before Phil returned. It seemed the repair of the AC really was somehow connected to Phil's return. She shook her head as an actual small smile appeared on her lips.

She and Tommy had spoken more early this morning. They had touched on marriage and the "in love" thing again, but she knew he was really talking about getting Phil interested in heating up the bedroom. Tommy really was viewing this from a teenager's perspective. He suggested she buy Phil some sort of welcome home gift, and Tommy went on to explain, it should be something she'd wear, not his dad, or if she felt more adventurous, he knew of an adult novelty store that wasn't too far outside of town.

Wide eyed, she had told him never to go to a store like that. Tommy laughed briefly for the first time in days and said, "Too late to tell me that." At that moment, she had wished she knew a smidge less about her son.

The main part of his new inspired plan was that he thought he really should pull Phil aside and have a conversation with him about "taking care of you" is the way Tommy had described it, but that she should write up a list of all the things he should say to Phil, if she herself couldn't come out and speak to Phil directly.

He went on to say he thought she should talk to him bluntly about how she felt and her needs, said she should handle it like one of her "conferences" with him or Denise, like she had been with him last Saturday. Put him in his place about all of it. Point out how damn lucky he was to have her as his wife. Tommy repeated what he had said yesterday after Phil's call, that she should tell him to see his doctor and get a script for those E-D pills, the long lasting brand, so he was always ready to start picking up his end of the deal.

Mara had first thought the idea Tommy talking to his Dad was ludicrous, but since then, she thought it might be worth a try, combining both her talking to Phil, and then Tommy having a sort of 'man to man' discussion with his dad too... no, not a "man to man" talk, but possibly something much more subtle. If her "conference" didn't work with Phil, he might actually listen more closely to Tommy than her. She was concerned her talk with him would end up like the other times she had tried to get him to discuss their marriage and sex life. She had never even been able to get to the part about "her needs." Yes, maybe a double front verbal assault on Phil would be best. And her son was right, it should be a "conference" with Phil. Tommy suggesting his plan had nearly made her cry. It showed how much he did love her, and loved Phil too.

Although any "conference" about it seemed to be putting the cart before the horse. Her priority was saving her marriage and figuring out if atoning for her sins was even possible. She also was wondering if keeping it secret was for Phil's benefit, or was it only for herself? Although Tommy talking about the "conference" had made her think during her work out this morning. Her current interest in heating things up in the bedroom, wasn't her needs, but that she thought Phil would be happier, it would be one way to try to make amends, and yes, it would make her happier too, but her needs and happiness truly were secondary now. Although if they did have a conference, she might be able to find out what would make Phil happier, not necessarily sexually, but in general, find out what his needs and desires were that she wasn't meeting. She might be able to discover how to make up for all her sins.

Yes, talking about it again with Phil would be a way to talk about their marriage in general terms too, maybe in some round about manner, she could tell him what an awful wife she was? Mara realized she was still very confused. She had to think more about everything. She knew whatever she did, her only concerns should be what was best for Phil, and what was best for Tommy. Her stomach tensed. Yes, even if that included confessing it all to Phil. She told herself to stop thinking about it for the next few hours at least. It would just make her cry and she had to stop doing that.

She thought about Tommy's suggestion of a present for Phil. She took a deep breath and forced a smile to her face. She summoned up the positive attitude she had earlier. Things would be all right. Yes, everything will work out. She wouldn't just do a walk through the mall, she'd buy Phil a few "welcome home gifts." Her smile turned genuine and her pace accelerated.

She made the corner around the "Ma Kelly's Cookies" shop, easily overcoming her temptation, and headed towards Victoria's Secret. Mara smile grew as she shook her head slightly. Tommy had suggested cotton "sexy stuff," shortie tops like cut off tank tops, matching thong panties, and other skimpy panties, cotton camisoles, but none of that "lingerie, lacy, slinky, garter belt and bustier crap." She had almost laughed at his suggestions because it was all the type of thing she thought was sexy, whereas Phil seemed to prefer all the "slinky garter belt crap." Maybe she'd still try the cotton, "cute yet naughty" on Phil, at least this time. Yes, she'd give cotton one more try on him.

Mara spent nearly an hour in the store, looking at all cotton things, wondering what Phil would like to see her in, but also wondering what Tommy would like to see on her, or more correctly, what he might like to see his future girlfriend wearing. She did look at the "slinky lingerie" too, but only briefly. She selected some various length tanks, some camisoles, a bunch of varying degrees of "sexy" panties, color matching them with the camisoles, and tanks, then a pair of thigh high stay up silk stockings in black. She already had some lacy black panties and a matching push up, just in case Phil didn't expand his horizons and enjoy her in cotton "cute yet naughty."

As she walked out of the shop, she wondered if Julie was working and considered stopping in the boutique to just say hello. She liked the girl. A moment later she heard a shout.

"Mara! Mara!"

Mara turned around and saw Julie smiling, waving and walking fast towards her. Mara moved to close the gap too.

Julie grinned. "Hi, I thought it was you."

"Hi. Are you heading to work?"

"I'm on a break right now. I... I feel so embarrassed to tell you this, but I promised myself I would, and maybe I should apologize too."

Mara's smile faded. "About what?"

Julie rolled her eyes. "I have to tell you the whole story, this is so stupid, and I guess I was too." She glanced at a bench. It was shaded by one of the ornamental trees. She looked at Mara. "Can we sit down? Do you have a few minutes?"