One of the Depraved & Deplorables

When they were twelve, we played tennis. Mom could always be counted on to join in. We began going to concerts. At first, it was teeny bopper artists. Their taste matured, and we saw Chicago, Jefferson Airplane, Three Dog Night, Black Sabbath, Queen, and others.

In 1971, Eve and Rick's marriage was on rocky ground. They fought often, and they were no longer intimate. Rick poured 100% of his energy into his job. His relationship with Eve was non-existent.

His relationship with his daughters suffered too. They were confused and upset that he no longer had time for them. He was too busy chasing the almighty dollar.

I helped cheer them up, but a part-time uncle cannot replace a dad.

^^^1971^^^

"That was quite a show the other night. Led Zeppelin killed it," I said to Eve over breakfast. "The twins love the concert."

"Do you have no shame?" Eve asked as she shook her head.

"My daughters should be listening to Donny and Marie Osmonds, Barry Gibbs, or The Carpenters. You took them to see Led Zepplin. Now, they're into hard rock and heavy metal.

"They are begging me to buy a poster of Robert Plant," my sister complained. "They want the one where he's bare-chested and shows his mane of long blond hair. They're thirteen years old! They're too young to be lusting after a rock god."

I laughed and said, "You should buy two posters. One for them and one for you."

"I do need something to look at when I masturbate," she said and laughed.

"Is Rick still avoiding you?"

"Yes. Let's get to the main topic. Mom is coming over. We have to be there for her. The poor woman loses our dad when he's killed in WWII. She's alone for twenty-six years, and then days before her second wedding, she discovers the guy she's fallen for is cheating on her.

"Did she find Charles in their bed with the next-door neighbor?"

"Yes. She caught them doing the deed."

"Ouch!," I said, "It's been a bad year relationship-wise for all of us. You and Rick are having trouble. I broke up with Wendy..."

"Oh, please. You break up with some poor girl every other month. This is serious. Mom's sixty-six. I want you to be nice to her."

"I always am."

^^^

Our mother came over. She lived nearby so she could see her grandchildren often.

We drank tea and talked. Mostly our mom ranted about Charles, the bastard who broke her heart. We let her get it out of her system.

"I paid for our honeymoon!" she complained. "I have two tickets on a seven-day cruise, and I can't get my money back," Mom said angrily.

"You should go," Eve said. "The change of scenery will be good for you."

"Will you come with me?"

"I can't get away, but Ed can. He was just telling me he's finished a big job and has some time off before the next project."

"Wait. Don't I get a vote?"

"No," Eve said. She gave her brother a pleading look and said, "Please. It'll be fun. Think of it. Fun in the sun, and I hear there are games and shows...and free drinks."

"Please come with me," my mother begged. "Charles said the food is great. He raved about the midnight buffet."

"Okay," I said.

I felt sorry for my mother. I was pretty sure I could put up with seven days of lying on a deck chair and drinking beer all day.

^^^

My mother and I boarded the cruise ship along with 398 other passengers. It was impressive. It was as long as a football field.

The Captain smiled and said, "Welcome aboard the Song of the Sea."

Crew members came forward and escorted small groups of passengers through the public areas of the ship. They showed us the sun deck, a swimming pool, the grand dining room, a game room, multiple bars, and a theatre.

We were given directions to our cabin. We didn't have one of the fancy cabins. We were in a standard cabin. It was oceanside. I found ours, opened the door, and said, "Wow. This is a small room."

I stepped inside and saw a bed, a desk, and a stand for two suitcases. The furniture was bolted to the floor or walls.

"It is small," Mom said. "But how much time will we spend in here? We're going to be swimming or in the dining room or up on the deck enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.

I said, "There's one bed."

"Oh, I forgot about that. This was to be my honeymoon." My mother sat on the bed and said, "It's comfy."

"It's kinda small for two people."

"I remember the brochure said the room had a small double mattress. I didn't know what that was. I had to look it up. It is four feet wide which is six inches less than a regular double mattress. How much difference can that make?"

"When you're on your honeymoon, you want to snuggle with your sweetie, so it's not a problem," I said. "When you're sleeping with your mother, you want those six inches back."

I put our luggage in place, went to the outer wall, and looked out the porthole. I said, "We have a view."

"Oh," my mother groaned. I went to her. She had stepped into the bathroom...the tiny bathroom. She looked at me and said, "I'd trade the view for a bigger bathroom."

The bathroom had a small sink and a normal-sized toilet. There was no tub. The shower consisted of two faucets and a shower head sticking out of a wall. There was no enclosure. Not even a curtain. There was a drain in the floor.

"This is cozy and an efficient use of space," I kidded. "I can pee in the toilet while taking a shower."

Mother laughed and said, "I could wash your back while brushing my teeth over the sink.

"Let's head to the deck before we get claustrophobia," I said.

"Yes. Free drinks are waiting for us."

We went up, got drinks, and strolled the deck. The sun was bright, and the fresh salt air was nice. I have to give them credit. The ship was layout out well. When I finished my drink, I was only a few steps away from a bar.

We walked, drank, people watched, and talked. Mom challenged me to a game of table tennis. The old gal was good. She won. We played shuffleboard. I was the champ, winning two out of three games.

We returned to our cabin to change for dinner. I needed to wear a coat. I planned to change into dress pants. Mother picked out a nice dress to wear.

We quickly learned that we had no privacy. Mother used the toilet. I was six feet away in the cabin. I heard a tinkling noise followed by a louder hissing sound when her stream got up to speed.

I'm guessing she wiped. I heard the toilet flush and I heard her wash her hands. She stepped into the cabin and said, "Ed, I've discovered something else that won't fit into our cabin...Modesty."

She laughed; I joined in.

"You're right. We have no privacy."

I saw my mother in her bra and underwear as she fixed her hair and did her makeup.

She heard me pee and saw me change my shirt and put on dress pants.

"Zip me, please," she asked after she'd stepped into her dress.

"Yes, Ma'am. You look lovely."

Dinner was good.

The emphasis was on volume rather than quality. That was okay for me because the same rule applied to the drinks. I had many, and so did my mother.

After dinner, we went to the theater. The performers were good, not great. We enjoyed ourselves. After the show, we took a stroll around the deck and turned in.

We took turns doing our nightly routine. I let my mother go first. When I stepped out of the bathroom in my underwear, I saw Mom sitting on the edge of the bed in a simple white nightgown. It had a scoop neck, large armholes, and it hit her mid-thigh.

She stood.

That's when I noticed she was braless. I saw her dark areolas through the light-weight white gown, and I saw her boobs jiggle. They were low on her chest. That wasn't a great surprise. She's sixty-six years old.

She said, "Do you mind getting in first and being by the wall? I need to get up and pee at night. If I'm on the outside, I won't have to crawl over you."

"Fine with me."

I got into bed and lay on my back.

Mom switched off the light and climbed into bed. She lay on her back and said, "Ah...I don't think we can both be on our stomachs or our backs. I'm hanging off the bed."

I got on my side. So did she. She pressed her nice round bottom into me and said, "This works for me. It is okay for you?"

"Yes." To myself, I added, "As long as I don't get an erection."

As soon as I thought about it, my penis stirred. I pulled my hips away to save myself the embarrassment of letting my mother know I had a hard-on.

As soon as I made space, my mother closed the gap. She said, "I hope you don't mind. I like snuggling."

She pressed her bum into me and cried out, "Oh, Dear. Did I do that?"

She snickered, moved away, and teased me, "I thought morning wood would be an issue, but so soon?"

"Mom, it's not funny. I'm mortified."

"I'm sorry. Of course, you are. That was terrible of me. Lie facing the wall, and I will spoon you."

We rolled over and executed her plan. We went to sleep.

Neither of us had a peaceful sleep.

I tend to roll around and flail my arms and legs when I sleep. Annoyed girlfriends have complained that I hit or kicked them in my sleep. I was more restless than usual.

I woke a couple of times and found myself lying on my back, side, and stomach.

I noticed my mother had moved too.

At dawn, I woke. I was on my back, and Mom was halfway on top of me. Her head was on my chest and her leg over mine. The sheet had slipped off us, her gown had ridden up, and I could see her bare ass.

My brain screamed, "My mother doesn't wear panties to bed!"

Of course, I had an erection. The weird part was my mother had her hand wrapped around it!

I froze, not knowing what to do. I thought, "Do I pry her hand off? What if that wakes her. She'll be embarrassed to discover she's holding my penis. Maybe the situation will resolve itself. She grabbed it accidentally. She might let it go."

While I was deep in thought, I felt a coarse material rubbing my thigh.

My mother was humping my leg! I could feel her bristly curly pubes!

She moaned softly and froze with her pubic bone pressed against my thigh. She sighed. Her eyes popped open and looked into mine.

My eyes were wide open. My expression was 'what had just happened?'.

"Morning, I had the strangest dream," she said. She moved off me and released her grip on my erection.

She laughed and said, "I had a wet dream."

"What?"

"I orgasmed while I slept. It happens to women too, you know. Ours are not as wet as yours since men ejaculate. Doctors call yours nocturnal emissions and ours nocturnal orgasms.

"It's natural and normal," she said with a straight face.

Remind me to never play poker with this woman.

I said in a shrill voice, "It's not normal to wake up and find your mother humping your leg and holding your dick!"

"Yes. Sorry about that. I got into the habit of doing that the last couple of months while I've been sleeping with Charlie. The man was sixty-eight, short and bald, but he had great cock. It's thick like yours. I liked to..."

"Please, Lord, don't let her finish that sentence!" "I prayed silently.

She prattled on. "I marveled that a man his age could have erections. Good firm erections. We had a great sex life. That was why I was going to marry him."

I was stunned by her frank words. I blurted out, "Why aren't you wearing underwear?"

She laughed again and said, "It's more comfortable and, truth be told, a gal needs to air out her vagina. It's warm and moist down there. The perfect conditions for the bacteria that causes yeast infections. Believe me, you don't want one of those. Letting my kitty have some air and dry out is a good thing."

Oh, God. Can it get any worse? I don't want to hear a tutorial on my mother's vagina!

She got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I was treated to more hissing sounds. Another reminder that my mother had a vagina.

She did her morning routine. I stayed in bed.

She came out of the bathroom and pulled her nightgown over her head.

No one held a gun to my head and made me look at her naked body, but t was as if I was enchanted or mesmerized. I found that I couldn't look away!

Her body was as before. She had big, full tits that slid down to her stomach. She had the same chestnut-colored bush. It was beginning to go gray.

She saw me looking and spun around laughing. She said, "Can you tell I've lost eighteen pounds from when you last saw me naked? It was for the wedding. The girls are a little smaller. Most of the weight came off my hips, thighs, and bum."

"Ah...Yes. I can see. "

To myself, I added sarcastically, "Great! My erection had gone away and now it's naked mom on parade and I'm hard again.

"Get up, get dressed. Let's go to breakfast." She pulled on the sheet and exposed my hard-on. I ran to the bathroom while my mother chuckled.

^^^

The next night was even worse. I know. You're wondering how that was possible. Well...

We had a great day, good meals, and lots of alcohol. We got into bed. Mother spooned me.

During the night we rearranged ourselves.

I woke early in the morning because I had a nocturnal emission. I was spooning my mother and I came on her bum.

Of course, she woke up!

"Oh, dear. Why am I wet?" she asked. She quickly realized why and got out of bed. She saw my messing cock and said, "Were you thinking about me?"

"NO. GOD, NO!"

"Okay. I believe you. You mentioned you've been without a girlfriend for a while. Sperm builds up in man and needs to be released. That's why your body has wet dreams."

She went into the bathroom. I heard the toilet flush and the shower come on. I cowered in bed.

^^^

We had lunch on the deck. Mother grabbed my wrist as I was raising another bottle of beer to my lips and said, "We need to talk."

"Okay."

"I don't know what I was thinking, coming on this cruise. We've been drinking too much. We have to stop. We need something to focus on, and it's not going to be what are we doing for the passenger talent show."

"Did you have something in mind?"

"Yes. I fancy myself a pretty good matchmaker. Let me set you up on some dates."

"What brought this to mind?"

"Some women have asked about you. They would like to meet you or have you meet their daughters."

"You want to set me up on blind dates?"

"Yes. Why not? Of course, nothing serious will come from it. Everyone will go home after the cruise to their regular lives. Some have hinted they are up for holiday dalliance. It'll be fun."

"I'm I suppose to bang them?"

"Don't sound so indignant. What's wrong with a consensual casual relationship? It's better than being so backed up you ejaculate on your mother."

I was shocked. I sputtered, "You'd enjoy setting me up?"

"Yes. Women love to play matchmaker. We have three days left on the cruise. I bet you ten dollars I can get you three dates."

"Is this just a date? You know, dinner or meet for drinks."

"I will talk to women, see what their level of interest is, and make you a date. Whether you have a platonic date, get a kiss goodnight or more is completely up to the two of you. The fun part for me is setting you up.

"Please let me do it. It'll be fun for me and maybe more than fun for you. Please. Please. Please."

"Okay. I'll do a lunch or dinner, but you must point them out first, and let me approve them. The women know what I look like before they agree. I should have the same option to decline someone I find unattractive or too old."

She snorted and said, "You shot your load on my sixty-six-year-old ass. So as long as she's under seventy, we know you'll agree to lunch!"

"You are a mean, dirty old lady. You're never going to let me forget that incident, are you? You said it was normal and natural. You know I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't dreaming about you!"

She gave me a wicked smiled and asked, "Who were you dreaming about?"

"No one. It wasn't anyone. It was a nebulous woman."

I didn't feel bad about not being completely honest with my mother. I told the truth when I said it wasn't her. I didn't tell her that I had been dreaming about Eve.

^^^

We parted ways. Mother had a spring in her step as she set out on her mission.

In the late afternoon, she found me by the pool. She had on a big floppy hat, flip-flops, and a one-piece leopard print bathing suit. She sat in the lounge beside me and said, "Be a sweetheart and put suntan lotion on my shoulders"

I took the bottle she offered. She pushed her straps down, and I applied lotion to her shoulders and back.

"Mmmm. Thanks. I've had a productive day. I have options for you."

"Options?"

"Dates, Silly. I have three interested candidates."

"Who?"

"See the brunette across the pool from us in the pink bikini with white polka dots?"

I looked and saw an attractive woman wearing sunglasses.

She had a strapless top over her small boobs. A high-waisted bottom covered her belly button.

"That's Paulina."

"Three chairs to her right is, Beth. She has on the blue one-piece suit with white stripes on the sides."

I found her and saw a cute, short woman with light brown hair.

"And let's see where is Rita? There she is at the bar. In the red bikini with her back to us. Blonde hair. Her bum looks like it's about to burst out on her suit. Poor dear, she should have bought the next larger size.

"They are all great girls. Pretty, friendly, easy to talk to, and they all want to meet you."

"Wow. Mom, you've done a great job. They are all attractive, and they want to meet me? Sign me up."

She giggled and said, "I will. Go shower. You have a dinner date." She put the straps of her bathing suit up and went and talked to all three ladies.

I returned to the cabin, shaved, and got into the shower.

Mom stuck her head in the bathroom and said, "Wash your penis well."

"Ahh! What are you doing? I'm taking a shower."

She teased and said, "Just checking the merchandise. I want to make sure I didn't over-promise." She walked away laughing.

I finished, dried myself, and came out with a towel wrapped around my waist. I said, "Mom, I want to thank you for setting up these dates. I've never had dates with three women in one week."

She tossed me a box.

I reached for it, fumbled, and caught it. My towel fell to my feet.

My mother smiled; I frowned. I was pissed that I exposed my cock to her again. I picked up the towel and held it in front of my nude body.

I looked at the item in my hand and saw that it was a box of Shields condoms. I raised an eyebrow and looked at my mother.

She said, "If you bed them, wear a condom. I don't want you to catch gonorrhea or spread it."

"Do you think they'll have sex with me?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. We didn't discuss it specifically, but we talked about having fun, flings, and holiday romances."

"Where can I take them? We all have suitemates. It's not like we can do it on a lounge chair by the pool."

"I'm way ahead of you. Our cabin will be available to you. I have made the acquaintance of a woman my age on the ship who has a suite. I told her of my plan, and she is helping me. She has offered to put me up so you can have the cabin.

"She insisted that my first target be her brokenhearted daughter, Paulina. Paulina has been through a bad breakup. Her mother brought her on the cruise to cheer her up and get her mind off he who won't be named."

"Get dressed and go to dinner. Paulina will join you at our table. I will be dining with her mother, Polly. Be kind to her. She's fragile."

^^^

I wore a suit and tie and sat at my table, drinking a beer. It was twenty minutes into my seating. The other diners had finished their first course, and my date hadn't shown up.

I was wondering if I had been stood up by Paulina or set up by my mother. I looked around to see if my mother was watching me, wondering how long I'd sit at the table waitng for someone who wasn't coming, and having a good laugh.

My date came to my table while I was searching for my mom.