The Old Toothbrush Pt. 02

"You know? How many times that day I had the desire to hold you in my arms like the old times? How many times did I want to cry on your shoulders and seek your pardon? But, the sadness in your eyes was scary. I knew that you would conform to anything that I wished. You would agree to any explanation, any truths or lies that I would tell. I could not defend myself because I would be presenting my case to a biased evaluator. There was no point in being declared 'not guilty' by a judge who was flawed."

I sat stunned. I was no appraiser of character but never had I been accused of being prejudiced. Well, I was learning newer chapters of life.

"On that Sunday, I asked you to leave and for the first time, I saw anger in your eyes, not hatred! You asked me about the gift. How could I return it? It was priceless.

And Ranju? She is my daughter, my flesh and blood, connected together for nine months. She is my life but not my weakness. I am not obliged to answer her anything.

But to you, I am. We, two genetically unrelated persons were united in a unique relationship and we vowed to uphold its dignity that I failed to honour.

You know I am a cheat. It no longer matters to me now whether Ranju knows it or not?

I am her mother, a defective human, not God.

Her opinion does not matter to me, yours does. And my own does.

The only thing that has continued to perplex me was that why Adi? Why not anyone else? I could not understand. To date, I was not fully sure why? But, today, when I saw you coming down the beach, looking so fit, so trim and so handsome in that jacket, I suddenly realized that I was looking at Adi, a clone of the younger you. My subconscious intuitive mind somehow recognized you in Adi.

But does that absolve me of my deeds? No, it doesn't. It will never be."

She looked at me intensely and whispered, "Tonight, I am here to woo you back to me with all my might, with all my beauty and my entire guilty mind. Tonight, I seek your pardon, your forgiveness and plead acquittal by the supreme judge of my being, you! Will you accept back this cheat?"

The sound of the Arabian Sea was incessant. It appeared too close to us and too close to me. The daybreak was near.

I got up, Suhasini responded. We locked ourselves in a deep passionate kiss.

Chapter-6

She clung to me like a creeper and her breathing got heavier. I closed my eyes and caressed her. Her lips, her face, her back, her arms, everything. My Suhas was in my arms. Her lips were mine. She too touched my hair. Her arms were around my neck. Her legs touched my legs. I never felt so aroused, so much in love. How long we stood there, I did not remember. The light of the early dawn touched our body and my soul.

I opened my eyes.

Her eyes penetrated my heart. It was intense. She whispered, "Let's go inside."

I closed my eyes again and felt her.

She giggled, "Let's go in!"

I whispered back, my eyes still closed, "Let me feel you. Let me identify my Suhas like a blind man recognizes the words in Braille."

Suhasini touched my face, "Is that why your eyes are closed?"

"Yes, I am one with my Suhas that I know and I know it well when my eyes are closed."

Suhasini pulled me and said breathlessly, "Open your eyes and tell me what you see?"

I opened my eyes and looked at that beautiful face and the deep eyes. Her lips were upturned towards mine. Her fragrance was all over me. I wanted her intensely.

She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "What do you see?"

I said with great difficulty, "I see a beautiful woman, so desirable, so enchanting!"

She smiled, "She's all yours, Come in. With me!"

"Yes", I said.

I added after a pause, "But can I say something?"

"Of course you can? And you must." She held me tighter.

I was torn between the excesses of emotions and initiation was a challenge. I was unable to look at her eyes and say it.

"Suhas, Do you know what I did after I left Pune? Do you know that I could not go back to Delhi?"

"You came to Goa, I know." She said.

I was incredulous, "How?"

"I tracked your mobile. I knew you hadn't gone back to Delhi. I was worried." She answered.

"Do you have any idea what I have gone through the last two weeks? Wasn't I worried?" I asked again.

She was quiet now. After a moment she said, "Yes, I know."

I continue to look the other way, "I had no clue about why you called me here. I was just following instructions. I met you here, in your new avatar.

A brand new Suhasini, perfect in all respects. In this beautiful shack.

Perfect.

And you spoke about yourself and us. You spoke about your own philosophy of life, to me at least, it was brand new again, When you spoke, I kept looking at you. It was mesmerizing. I am still looking at you.

But, I am not looking at my Suhas. I am looking at someone whom I don't recognize. You are everything that I desire but you are not my Suhas."

Her eyes blurred in confusion, "What are you saying?"

In great pain, I continued, "You told me about us. How our oneness became the central core of anomaly in our relationship. Maybe, you are right. Maybe, this is the real reason. But this is beyond my comprehension. For me, it's very complex. I don't know, don't understand this thought process.

You want me to be angry, not sad, nor hurt, neither forgiving. In your eyes, these make me unqualified to make you feel comfortable. You may be right again but what about me? What about my perceptions?

After five years of marriage we rolled into one, we became more tolerant of each other, more understanding and more caring. Was that wrong? Did we not strive for it, to make small little adjustments and compromises, for ourselves? Did we ever repent making those little 'gives and takes' in our life. Moreover, did we not feel better sacrificing a little for each other? I did, but today I am not so sure anymore.

And all these prevented me from asking for explanations. That, in my mind, would have gone against the grain of our existence built over a period of 20 years, with great difficulty. So, when you asked me to leave, I felt bizarre but did not argue. If you said it, you had a reason. That's that!

You love Adi. Absolutely fine with me. You love me more. That too is fine. We are partners in life. We don't own each other's thoughts. But when you say that you love him because he, in retrospect reminds me of younger me, I am filled with a sense of deficiency. Deficiencies are borne out of our endeavours to adjust towards each other's happiness.

You didn't want me to fear that I would lose you but I felt exactly that when you turned me out. You wanted me to be angry but I could not because I was more hurt when you refused my efforts to console you, stand by you. You think I would have been a biased judge and you are right because to stand on judgment on someone who has done everything for you would have been a sacrilege, an unthinkable option.

Today, when this matter is resolved and I, the shunned one is back in the folds of my beloved at her own insistence, I find in her someone else, not the lady I had known before. With my eyes open, I see a stranger.

Do I have a philosophy of my own? I dare not. That is most likely to be at gross variance, with yours. And that would be catastrophic, wouldn't it be?

I want it to happen, really, but with my own old simple Suhas who was always poor in mind games but super large at heart. Today, we are two different people.

You turned me out one day. Today I am booting myself out. Actually, I am the "The Old Toothbrush" who is so redundant that his discard would go completely unnoticed.

And I stopped, emotionally drained, exhausted.

She was no longer holding me. Sitting on the couch looking towards the horizon, she looked unmindful of everything.

I started packing. It took me only a couple of minutes and it was time to leave.

As I got down the stairs, I turned back. She was looking at me, the silent tears welling up, once again.

She whispered in extreme grief, "Please!"

The pain in my heart was searing through. I was getting weaker.

I turned back and left.

John Pinto was waiting for me in the car.

The End.