There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 01

"No miss smarty-pants, I am not going to lose another hundred dollars to you. You are going to go into the county records, pull-up my name and download everything about my home."

"Rod, we have to start building a fence around her, I think she's dangerous to our way of life."

"We could always electrify yours, and make it taller."

"You don't think my 10 foot tall fence is high enough?"

Delicious cocked her head and looked at me. "Where do you live, in a prison?"

I said, "My computer cost $18 million, and what I have saved on it now is priceless. The test equipment that is in the basement, joined conjoined with this the computer, cost an additional $12.5 million. All of it is insured, but as they used to say in the old west, "Good Fences, Make Good Neighbors."

Delicious laughed. "You don't have any neighbors."

"And my insurance woman is very happy about it."

"How liberal of you Uncle Even, you have a woman as an insurance agent. Do you know her? Did you actually meet her about your insurance needs, or did Rod do it for you?"

"Nice Delicious, how do you think I handled it?"

"Even, I think when she entered your house; you were deep in the woods."

"You are incorrect. I was tubing down a 13,500 foot mountain."

"You are doing what; where?

"Delicious, we do have several enjoyable recreational activities, when there is snow on the ground here. We ski, use our snowmobiles, go tubing, sit in our hot natural springs, go ice fishing, ice skating, and many other wonderful things that people who live in the North Eastern United States have little or no knowledge of. That day, I rented a tube, eight-foot in diameter, and went freefalling down the side of the mountain. The tube is covered by strong netting so you cannot fall through it. You hook it up to a cable and it takes you to the top of the mountain. You wait your turn, until the guide tells you to go. Once you start down, you can't stop because there are no breaks. You careen down the mountain, at about 40 miles an hour, downhill about 3000 feet until you crash into the polystyrene blocks and netting that stop you. It is a ride you will never forget. You can rent the tube by the hour, four hours, or by the day. The mountain does not close until 10 PM. It is a blast."

"You actually go out and have fun, Even?"

"I have to do something to clear the cobwebs from my brain, when I can't solve a problem. Having fun helps me."

Delicious smiled at Rod and as "Is that why you have sex and get your wife pregnant so often?"

"Don't you start with me Delicious. I'll take you over my knee and spank you."

"Uncle Even I am surprised Rod is still in your attorney. Apparently he has never heard the term 'Child Abuse.' We read about it all the time on the East Coast. Hasn't it reached this far West yet?"

Rod said, "Delicious, I am going to buy you that gun. However, I am going to use it on you first."

"There he goes again Even: 'Premeditated Murder.' I think I will choose law school, because you are going to need a new attorney very shortly."

"Even, why didn't you force your sister to move out here so we had time to get used to Delicious. She is culture shock to the maximum degree. My children are not like her. If they meet her, and change into her, I will be put into a sanitarium, for the rest of my days."

"My friend I believe you had better take her up on her suggestion immediately, and get yourself snipped. If you have any more children, and she has the same effect on them as she will have on your current mob, both you and your lovely wife may want to run away from home."

"I agree. I will take care of it next week. I don't wish to take any chances of getting Rosalynn pregnant again, while this she-devil is amongst us."

"My mother did not raise a she-devil. I am a very nice person; different in some ways, but very nice nonetheless."

I said to my darling niece, "You can bet your ass your different."

She laughed. "Are you sure that's the only part you want me to bet Uncle Even. I saw the way you diverted your eyes when I came out of the bedroom last night wrapped only in a towel."

"It was the proper thing for a gentleman to do; considering you were hanging out every place else. As far as your betting is concerned, if you show anything else, consider yourself grounded, and then in uniform for four years."

"You are no fun at all Even."

"I am not supposed to be fun. I am your guardian. I take that job very seriously."

Delicious walked over to me, wrapped her arms around my chest, and hugged me tight. "Thank you Even. It is something mom would have said to me if I crossed a moral line, and she disapproved. Sometimes I push just to see how far the envelope will go before it tears. She would have slapped my hands if I pushed that far with her. Then we would laugh, because we both knew I was testing her limits."

"Are you going to try to be impossible all the time?"

"No, I am going to try to learn all the time I am with you. That is why I spent so much time with mom. She homeschooled me. I purposely didn't do well on my report cards to make them think I was an idiot. I couldn't fool the IQ test, because of the way they kept changing the wording of the same questions, over and over again. That test is very sneaky, and after a while you just give in and start answering the questions correctly. The guidance counselors were amazed when they saw my raw test scores, so they tested me again. My score came out higher the second time. They weren't sure what to do with me."

"I know what I'm going to do with you. I'm going to electrify that fence. It won't be to keep everyone out, it will be to keep you in. I can't imagine the damage you would do to the people of Idaho Springs if you go there on your own."

"Even, I'm not all that bad."

"Neither is an earthquake in Japan, if you are living in Colorado, Delicious."

"Are you ever going to trust me?"

"Trust has to be earned. We will take this one-step at a time, and see how it goes."

"You realize that goes both ways, don't you?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way. If you trusted me completely at this moment, you would have to be a fool. I have already found out that you are no one's fool."

"You aren't either, Even." She giggled, "I'm not sure about Rod though?"

"Hey, how did I wind up on the short end of this conversation?"

"You have two strikes against you, Mister Laver. One more strike and you're out. Child Abuse, and Premeditated Murder. I could add the threat of Tax Fraud, but I will let you slide this time, because Even ridiculed you before I did, and I already took my $100."

"Even, I am positive that I do not like your niece."

"Rod, I am going to call Rosalynn, and tell her that Delicious has volunteered to babysit your clan so you two can go away for the weekend together."

Delicious turned her head swiftly, "I said an evening, Even."

"A weekend will be good practice for you."

"You are lying to me, Uncle Even."

"I am not lying to you, Niece Delicious; it will be great practice for you."

"Uncle Even, prior to this point I said I was beginning not to like you. At this point, I am almost sure I do not like you."

I smiled at the lovely image of my sister. "Delicious, I used to torment Divine by setting up babysitting jobs for her with people who had multiple children, instead of just one. Why do you think she was so successful raising you?"

"Are you accusing me of having multiple personalities?"

"If the shoe fits, and we have multiple pairs of shoes for you to try on, wear it."

Rod cheered. "Score one for my client. It's a clear knocked down."

Delicious glared at him. "Mister Laver, if you would like to save some money, I could perform the operation for you free of charge."

I laughed as Rod placed both hands over his package, and fled towards the aircraft's exit.

I said to my niece, "I have never seen that man be afraid of anyone. He's been cooped up in an aircraft with you for a few hours, and he runs away like a thief in the night."

She took my arm as we headed out the aircraft and said, "I do have that effect on younger men, Even. When we get to your home, we can talk about it."

"It is no longer my home, Delicious. It is our home for the rest of our lives, if you would like. I am going to put your name on the title?"

"Thank you Even, it's wonderful to know I will always have a place to call home."

3. SURPRISE

As Rod exited the aircraft, he looked down the steps and his worst fears were realized. Rosalynn and his six children were waiting to greet him. He had no way to keep his wife, children, and Delicious from meeting. His human life was officially over, and his life in hell was about to begin.

He greeted Rosalynn, with a deep, passionate kiss, which was difficult, because she had one baby in her arms, one in a stroller, and four children dancing around him.

Rod looked up the stairway and saw Delicious wearing an evil smile. He closed his eyes and said quietly, "Please God, strike me dead now."

Rosalynn smacked him. "Rod, what's wrong with you?"

He pointed towards Delicious and said, "She is."

Delicious walked over to Mrs. Laver, relieved her of the child in her arms, said hello, and introduced herself.

"Hello Mrs. Laver, I am Even's niece; Delicious Mark. My mother, Divine, was his sister. I told your husband I would love to take care of your children, any weekend of your choosing, so you and your husband could get away, by yourselves. Uncle Even said you needed to take a break from all the hassle you face every day with your six children."

Rosalynn was taken aback by this greeting. "What does anyone say to a greeting like that Delicious. I'm quite taken back by it. When my husband left for Maine, all he could talk about was how funny it was going to be to watch Even deal with a sixteen-year-old female. You walk off the airplane, my husband sees you, and he wants God to kill him. What happened in the last twenty-four hours that my husband turned into a wuss?"

"May I call you Rosalynn?"

"Of course you may, Delicious, because the stories you are going to tell me have got to be good ones."

"Why don't we give the children to Rod and my uncle, and let me take you to lunch on the $200 he lost to me on the airplane."

Rosalynn turned to Rod. "How did you lose $200 to a sixteen-year-old girl, on a four hour trip in an airplane?"

"It was very easy."

"I want a better answer than that."

"I threatened Even to have his taxes audited, because he made me angry. Delicious said, "Uncle Even, if he doesn't do your taxes right; I will, they are a piece of cake." I said, she wouldn't know where to start on his taxes. That's where she got me. As easy as pie she said, "On the top left hand side of the first page you put your clients' name: last name, first name, middle initial. May I have my $100 please. I wanted to kill her, but she had me dead to rights. I took $100 from my wallet and she grabbed it out of my hand.

She got the second $100 by telling me how not to look at Evens Will every time I opened the vault in the office. I never thought about it before, but it made so much sense I should have kicked myself for not thinking about it before. She told me to rent a safety deposit box at a bank, so I would never have to look at it again. I reached into my wallet and gave her another $100. I told her I was going to put her on retainer, because it would be cheaper for me in the long run, because I felt this was not going to be the last time I was going to be handing her money."

Rosalynn laughed hysterically. "Rod, you have the children for the rest of the day. Delicious and I are going out to get acquainted. She has gotten more money out of you in four hours then I get out of you in a week. I am going to start taking lessons from her."

Delicious said, "I'm sorry Rosalynn, I forgot, we can't do that. Rod said that I was not allowed to meet you. I am not allowed to talk to you. I am not allowed to know where you live; and I am not allowed to know your phone number. He's afraid I may be a bad influence on you, and on your children. However, he has decided to do one thing for you, which I think is very commendable. He is going to have a Vasectomy, next week, because he doesn't want you to go through the pains of childbirth again. I think that is the nicest thing a husband can do for wife, who was already given and six children."

Rosalynn turned and looked at her husband. "Really Rod, you are going to do that for me? You don't know how long I've wished for you to do that. I dreaded the next pregnancy, but you know I would never have done anything to stop it."

Even had to walk away from this conversation, because he didn't want to start laughing at the look on his attorneys face. Rod had stopped breathing, while Delicious was still telling Rosalynn about his decision about the Vasectomy, and was starting to turn blue. If his wife was not holding him so closely, she would've thought he was dying.

The smile Delicious was giving him did not help the situation either.

Rod said, "Yes, my love, I am going to schedule it for next week. We will make plans to go away after I recover from the operation. Maybe Delicious would allow us to go away for a week?"

Even said, "Of course she would let you go for a few more days. She is so used to babysitting for multiple children households, it will be no problem for her; isn't that right dear?"

Delicious grinned, "There would be no problem at all, Uncle Even, as long as you buy me that little woodworking kit we were discussing on the aircraft. You remember the one with the little axe included?"

"Yes, I remember it well. We will pick it up while Rod is in the hospital."

"Oh great, maybe I could whittle, on his whittle thing?"

"I'm not sure if he would appreciate that, but we will see. Aren't you and Rosalynn supposed to go to lunch now?"

"How am I supposed to get home? I don't even know your address?"

"Rosalynn will bring you home. Rod and Rosalynn are my next-door neighbors."

"You don't have any neighbors."

"I don't have any neighbors on my side of the street, but I do have neighbors across the street."

"Uncle Even, I think you lied to me."

"Niece Delicious, if you only think I lied to you, it means I told the truth."

"Uncle Even, I believe you are splitting hairs."

"Niece Delicious, thank you for mentioning that. Rosalynn, do you have a little time this afternoon, because I have a favor to ask of you?"

"I have all the time in the world, Even. My darling husband is taking care of the children. What would you like me to do for you?"

"After this gorgeous child scares you by eating half the restaurant menu, would you take your to your salon, and have them do something with her hair. I was going to take care of it while we were in Waterville, but I never got to it. She is to stay as close to her natural color as she is, and nothing wild to her hair. However, her bangs go in three separate directions, and she looks like a sheepdog."

"Uncle Even, I am going to hit you."

"Niece Delicious, I am going to hit you back."

"Uncle Even that's not fair. I didn't insult you."

"Niece Delicious, I didn't insult you either; I am insulted your hair."

"One evening you are going to go to sleep with hair Uncle Even, and the next morning you are going to wake up without any."

"Carpe diem, Niece Delicious; just remember you have to sleep also. Bald men are acceptable, but not so with bald women."

Rosalynn asked her husband, "Rod, when did Even learn to talk to a woman?"

"Babe, when the children are not around I will tell you about his first conversation with Delicious. I will make sure that you were sitting on the commode when I tell you; otherwise you will pee your pants."

"Is it that funny?"

"It is not only funny, but in one conversation he broke three of his own taboos."

"Delicious, you come with me. We have a lot of girl talking to do. Any woman that can get Even to talk has got to be someone very special. Rod, you take the motor coach with Even and the kids. We will use a taxi around town, and a car service to bring us home."

As Rosalynn was putting the children into their car seats, Rod went over to Delicious and said, "A gun is too good for you. There is an ancient Indian method I'm going to use on you. I'm going to tie you up high in the mountains, and drip blood all around the area to bring carnivores towards you. When they arrive, they will tear you apart limb from limb, while you are screaming for mercy. No one will hear you, and I will smile when I read the police report."

"That is number three, Rod. Child abuse, premeditated murder, and now kidnapping, with intent to kill. Two capital crimes, plus twenty years. It is definitely law school for me. Uncle Even is going to need a new attorney very soon, unless of course you want to give me $300 now, before I tell your wife."

"You would not do that to me."

"We are going out to lunch, and your wife wants to talk. It's bound to come up in conversation."

"You are as beautiful as you are dangerous, Delicious."

"Thank you Rod, did you know you're getting gray hair?"

"What! Where, I didn't see any...I am not talking to you anymore. You are going to cause me a heart attack. I'm going to have my balls snipped because of you, and now you tell me I had a gray hair, where there was none. I hope you enjoy babysitting for our children, because they are an integral part of my torture plan for you."

"Rod, they will be angels for Rosalynn when you get home. However, as soon as you walk in the door, there is going to be a breakdown of civil society as they attack you, and want your individual attention. You will not get one seconds rest, until they go to bed for the night."

"You are not that good, Delicious."

"How much would you like to wager, Rod?"

"How much money do you have?"

"After you give me my $300, I will have a total of $500. I will wager $400 that I can accomplish this in one week, and Rosalynn can be the judge."

"I told you I should have put you on a retainer," as he handed her $300. "Why did I just give you this money again?"

"You didn't want your wife and I to have a particular discussion about child abuse, premeditated murder, kidnapping with the intent to commit murder, and other vile actions by an officer of the court."

"You would never have done that, would you?"

"Of course not, it was all bogus anyhow."

"I want my money back."

"What money are you talking about?"

"My $300, I want it back."

"It seems to have disappeared."

"It's in your bra."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I saw you put it there."

Delicious yelled, "Rosalynn, watch this."

"Go ahead Rod, take your $300 out."

Rod looked at his wife, looked at the evil glint in Delicious' eyes, shook his head, and walked away. Halfway between the two women he said, "God Help All Men."

Delicious giggled.

Rosalynn lifted her shoulders and arms wondering what was supposed to happen.

Delicious yelled, "Your husband chickened out."

Even walked up behind her and said, "I wish he had stuck his hand in there and pulled out his money. I would have, and I would have squeezed your nipple until you scream. Don't you ever do anything like that again, do you understand me, missy?"

"Yes, Uncle Even, I'm sorry."

"No you are not; not yet anyway. Go over to Rod, and apologize to him this instant. Give him $500 in restitution for your misdeeds. We will discuss this when you get home tonight."

"Yes, Uncle Even."

I watched her as she walked over to my friend, with her head bowed down. She looked contrite as she handed him all of her money. Rod looked at me and I nodded my head, so he took it. He kissed her on the head, hugged her, and sent her back to me.