Turning Towards Ohio

So I popped him one in the eye and told him he ought not try ta touch thangs that don't belong ta him. I grabbed mah suitcase and came out here ta wait for ya. Kin we go?"

"Callie, I have a job waiting for me in Arizona. And my divorce won't be final until one hundred and eighty days after Jane signs the papers," I said. "I can't marry you until then."

"So does that mean we kin go?" she asked.

"Doesn't any of that matter to you?" I asked.

"Bob, as long as the two of us are together, nothing else matters at all," she said.

We got into the car and put Ohio in our rear view mirror. Callie and I prospered in Arizona. During the summer my daughter came to visit us and she loved Callie as much as I do. I urged her not to write her mother off and she split time between staying with Callie and me and staying with Jane. Jane eventually had to sell the house. Even after a series of jobs she simply couldn't earn enough to keep it by herself. She moved back to her hometown with her mom and dad.

Surprisingly enough, Callie and I were invited to spend Christmas at Aunt Tilly's. Aunt Tilly and Callie got along so well you'd never know they weren't related.

Since I was Aunt Tilly's favorite nephew, even though I wasn't her nephew by blood, she let Callie and me in on her greatest secret. She also asked us to help her put one over on her family.

You see, Aunt Tilly didn't have a fucking dime. She lived on social security, but all of her relatives were so sure that she was rich that they all paid her bills and brought her presents all the time to try to stay in her good graces. Unlike Callie and I who just loved her for herself and didn't want anything from her, they were all, as she put it, like flies circling a dead horse's asshole, fighting for the first turd.

And when Aunt Tilly finally passed away, she left her large house to be used as a home for unwed mothers. She left the rest of her vast imaginary fortune to Callie and me. The family had a conniption and tried to contest the will, but it never got very far. There was a lot of name calling and some grumbling, but they got over it.

Jane's parents still blame her for losing their share of the money. They kicked her out. She lives in a crappy apartment with two other waitresses and cries every time someone mentions me.

Callie and I will never tell anyone that there wasn't any money. It was just a case of a crafty old lady taking advantage of the greed of her relatives. They deserve what they got.

This is the part where I tell you that we lived happily ever after.

The End