Law of the Heart: Consequential...Ch. 03

"Strangely enough, it was Sally that made me realize what I was doing." Jill said with a snort. "I could see her staring at Juan and I and I could tell that she was getting off on what he was doing. She was paying more attention to Juan than she was to Tom and he was the one that was feeling her up. When she made her comment it made me pay attention to what was happening, to what I was doing and to where it would lead. I stopped and asked myself whether I really wanted to cheat on you.

"When I asked myself the question, the answer was simple. I couldn't do it."

Jill stared at me. "I finally understood what I was doing to you and to our marriage. It disgusted me. I decided once and for all that I would not and could not sleep with anybody else as long as we were married. I was sick of the games you had been playing, But that was no excuse for my behavior.

"I decided to do what I should have done a long time ago. To ask you flat out what you wanted. I was hoping that you would not ask me to sleep with somebody because that would have ended our marriage. I can't respect a man that wants to share his wife with other people. Jake, I do love you, but you need to know, I made this decision because of me. I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on you, with or without your permission.

'That's why I got out of the tub so abruptly. I felt disgusted with myself for sitting there letting Juan caress me. As soon as I had made my decision, I lost any arousal that I was feeling. I got totally turned off. It didn't feel good any more it made me nauseous.

"I was totally exhausted. I had been riding my emotions for a long time and when the good feeling went away, I crashed. At that point, I didn't care if you came out of the shadows or not, I just wanted to go to bed.

"When Juan got up to 'help' me, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I didn't have any desire to be with him, but I didn't know if I had the energy to fight him off either. I was trying to decide how to tell him that the night was over. Then I saw him whisper to Hector. I could tell that bastard thought he had me and was already planning a little switch with Hector for later that night.

"Then I saw you standing there watching us. You weren't moving; you just stood there and stared at what he was doing. It was like you were all conspiring against me. You were waiting for Juan to fuck me. Juan was arranging for Hector to fuck me. And nobody was asking me what I wanted.

"I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill all of you. I was furious. I was tired of your games. I was tired of Juan and his games." Jill's eyes blazed. "I wanted to tell you all to leave me the fuck alone.

"I decided that it was time that I paid you all back a little. So help me God, Jake, I wanted to make you all suffer.

"I decided that if you wanted to watch me so bad, that it was time you learned where it might lead. I wanted you to believe that I was going to fuck Juan. I wanted you to know the consequences of just standing there. I wanted you to wonder whether I had found someone I wanted to be with more than you. I decided to let him walk me back to the room.

"When Juan grabbed my clothes and put his hand around my waist and cuddled me into him, I let him. You know I'm not a tease, but I teased Juan to get back at you. I wanted to hang on him so you would know I what I has decided. I didn't want you to have any doubts as to what was going to happen when we got into the room. When he opened the door and leaned down to kiss me, I made sure that it was obvious that I was pulling him into the room. I didn't want any doubt in your mind that I was the one that wanted Juan to stay.

"Teasing Juan was part of my plan to pay you back. If you hadn't been there, I would have just told him to drop dead at the hot tub. But, he deserved it too. He needs to learn not to fuck around with married women. If he was led on to believe that I was ready to fuck him, then tough shit. I wanted to make sure that he knew exactly what I thought of him and his brother and their little sex games.

"After Juan closed the door, he tried to pull me into an embrace. I could see him looking for the bedroom. He wanted to get me out of that bikini and into bed as quickly as possible. He tried to kiss me and remove my top, but I slapped his hand away and told him that it wasn't going to happen."

Jill snorted. "He was as confused as you were when you came in. I grabbed my clothes from him and told him to get his ass in the bathroom and get dressed. He kept trying to grab me. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He thought I was fooling around and teasing him. He kept telling me how good he was going to make me feel. He didn't believe me until I slapped his face and told him that if he touched me again I was going to scream. After I slapped him, I told him to shut up and that we would talk after we got dressed.

"I think that convinced him that I was serious. I managed to get into the bedroom and locked the doors while I got changed. I looked out the bedroom window when I went in to get dressed. I saw you just sitting there with a dazed look on your face. I have to tell you it felt good. I still couldn't tell what you were thinking, but I had finally gotten a reaction from you. I could tell you were shocked that I had let Juan into the room.

"I was pretty sure that you would finally take action. So, I decided that I needed to deal with Juan quickly. I was hoping that I would have enough time to deal with Juan before you decided to come in. When I went back out to talk to Juan, I made sure that the front door to the room was unlocked. I didn't want to put any barriers in your way when you came in. I also thought that it would be best if Juan and I talked in the bedroom, that way I could check on you out the window.

"When I came out of the bedroom, Juan had gotten dressed and was just standing there. He didn't know what had happened. I told him that he needed to keep his hands to himself and that I had some things that I needed to say to him before he left."

As Jill explained what had happened, I was struck by something that didn't seem to fit. "Hold on," I interrupted. "How did Juan find out I was here? Did you tell him that I was watching you tonight?"

"No. The only one that knew was Sally." Jill looked uncomfortable as she searched for the proper words. "Jake, I wanted to teach Juan a lesson about chasing after married women. But, I know Juan and knew that when I tried to tell him off for hitting on me, he was going to throw my behavior back in my face. He thinks that my response justifies his behavior. He was wrong for hitting on me, but I didn't have to respond either." Jill blushed. "After all, I had to accept the fact that I lost control

"When I started to talk to him, I told him that I didn't appreciate his continuous hitting on me since I got here. I told him that he should never have tried anything in the first place because I was married, and that he should have definitely stopped after Thursday night when I told him I wasn't interested. I wanted him to realize that he was playing with fire when he hit on married women and that his actions could affect both her marriage as well as him.

"Sure enough, he tried to justify his actions by how I responded to him. I told him that wasn't the point. That just because I finally responded didn't justify his actions. But I could see that he wasn't convinced. So I tried a different tactic. I told him that he was risking both my marriages and his own well being by hitting on me. I wanted to show him how dangerous it was to chase after a married woman so I told him that I had checked my messages and that you had called from the airport an hour ago to tell me that you were on your way. I told him to think about how you would have reacted if you had caught us in the hot tub."

I interrupted again. "Wait a minute. You told me a while ago that his hitting on you was just a game. That it didn't mean anything since he had the morals of a snake. Now you are telling me that you tried to teach him a lesson. That doesn't fit.

Jill smiled at me sadly. "Jake, I know you have no reason to like Juan. I'm not too fond of him either right now after that shit he pulled as he was leaving. There's no discrepancy. Juan does have the morals of a snake. He can't imagine that a woman is going to be faithful because he has no concept of fidelity. He just saw me as pussy that might be available to him. He didn't think about my marriage at all.

"I didn't mean to imply that his hitting on me was acceptable behavior on his part. It wasn't and I let him know it. I told you it didn't matter because I didn't think I was susceptible to falling for his line of bullshit. When I found out how close I had come tonight to screwing up our marriage, I wanted him to know just what I thought of his behavior."

At this comment, I gave a little snort of disbelief. Jill may have thought she had warned Juan off, but his comments to me indicated that he hadn't learned his lesson. I decided that I wanted some pay back too, but now was not the time to discuss it.

"Jill, one more question. Right after I came into the living area, I heard you laughing in the bedroom. That special laugh you use when you are pleased with yourself. Its something that I always associate with the feelings we have when we make love. It tore my heart out. It was almost enough to make me run away. Can you please tell me why you were laughing like that with Juan?" I pleaded.

Jill could see the pain in my eyes as I dredged up this memory. She looked confused for a second and then started to laugh. "I was laughing at Juan. One of the last things that I said to him before you came in was that, after he left, he had better tell Hector not to come by later since I didn't think you would be pleased. I was laughing at the look on his face. He didn't realize that I had caught on to his little plan with Hector to share Maria and me.

"And then you came in." Jill concluded. "I'm glad you finally got off your ass and did something. Now, maybe we can put this all behind us." With that Jill stood up and walked into the bathroom. I just sat there and thought about what she had said.

By now, I was feeling guilty about my behavior at the Luau. Why didn't I intervene? Was I partially to blame for what happened? What character fault of mine stopped me from stepping out of the shadows? I knew I was not a voyeur; I got no sexual satisfaction out of watching Juan with my wife even though the dance was incredibly erotic. Why didn't I act?

I have always considered Jill's tendency to act impulsively as one of her biggest character flaws, and certainly, I could see how that flaw contributed to tonight's disaster. It was obvious that she did not think about all of the consequences of her behavior, but wasn't I suffering from the opposite problem? Had I gotten to the point where analyzing the consequences of a situation had become such a fixation that I forgot that analysis without action is mere mental masturbation?

As I reflected on my behavior over the day, I realized that I had let my analytical nature take total control of my actions. My heart had shouted at me to go up to Jill, but I didn't do it. Jill had shown me that she was strong enough to hold off her emotional nature long enough to think through her decision. What did my failure to act show?

Tonight, I had kept on telling myself to wait until it almost became too late. How can I blame Jill for getting fixated on getting a reaction from me when I got fixated on trying to figure out her behavior? I believed Jill when she told me that she had tried to get a reaction from me. I believed when she told me that she had tried to catch my eye.

Jill came back from the bathroom and looked at me. "OK, Jake, what do we do now? Are you staying or do you need more time to think? I've tried to explain myself. What about you, are you ready to explain your actions to me?"

"Jill, I'll try." I replied. "But, there is something you need to know first. I don't know if you are aware how close our marriage came to ending tonight."

Jill shook her head frantically and opened her mouth to interrupt, but I raised my hand to stop her.

"I wish I could give you a reason why I didn't stop you tonight, Jill." I said miserably. "The entire time you were dancing and were in the hot tub, I was screaming inside my head for you to stop and think about us. You were tearing my heart out.

"But, I was frozen. It was like I was watching a train wreck and couldn't take any action to stop it. I could see you losing control and I could see that Juan was taking advantage of what was happening, but I couldn't move. All I could do was watch and listen to Sally and the others cheer you on.

"I got so damn involved in figuring out what was going on that I forgot that I had to act. Every time I thought about confronting you, something else would happen and I would start the cycle of analysis again. I'm sorry that I let you down. You've shown me that I need to look at my behavior and see how screwed up I've gotten.

"But, you screwed up too. Jill, you know that it doesn't bother me when you dance with someone else. I didn't even mind watching you Salsa too much, at least until you lost control. But your behavior at the end of the night almost killed me. I couldn't believe how you were dancing at the end or your behavior in the hot tub. And when you pulled Juan into the room. . .." I stopped and shook my head.

"What would you have done if I hadn't got off my ass and come in here?" I asked.

Jill looked puzzled for a moment. "If I saw you leaving, I guess I would have tried to catch you. But it doesn't matter; I had already decided to ask you about your behavior."

I shook my head. "Jill, you are still not seeing the whole picture. Right now, I'm not concerned with my behavior. It's yours that I 'm looking at. Jill, I almost didn't have the courage to enter this room tonight. A half dozen times, I almost turned around and went back to Boston.

"If that had happened, how would you have been able to convince me that nothing happened between you and Juan? I thought our marriage was over as soon as you shut the door. I wasn't coming into the room to stop you. I was coming in here to confront you and tell you that the marriage was over."

As I let this statement hang in the air, I could see the color slowly drain from Jill's face. She finally realized that if I hadn't come in, our marriage would have been over. Tears started to trickle down her cheeks.

"Jill, you need to think about how your actions looked to others. I know you fixated on my behavior, but did you even think about how your behavior looked to our classmates? Watching you and Juan dance was like watching you two have foreplay. Think about how that looked to our classmates? Even if you did get carried away trying to get a response from me, you should have remembered that other people were watching you too.

"Jill, you knew I was here, but the rest of the class thinks I'm in Boston. All they saw was a married woman practically fucking her old boyfriend on the dance floor while her husband is 2,000 miles away. I bet half the class thinks that you are fucking Juan right now behind my back.

"Did you think at all about perceptions? Hell, Sally and some of the others were cheering you on like you were a stripper. The reason why you lost your crowd is that you went too far. People walked away because they were embarrassed about how you were behaving.

"There is one other thing I need to know. Would you have behaved this way if I hadn't been here? Would you have danced the Salsa with Juan the way you did?"

As I spoke, Jill's eyes widened and the tears began to flow more freely. She was finally beginning to understand the consequential damages that might have resulted from her behavior tonight. She was starting to realize that her behavior could have unintended consequences.

Strangely enough, now, more than ever, I felt that I knew Jill and could trust her. Deep in my heart I knew that she would never have acted like she did if I hadn't been there. Somehow, even after seeing how she had acted, I had regained my confidence in her. Even if she had acted without thought, I knew she had acted with love.

"Jill, I think that we still have a lot of issues to work out but not tonight. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Of course I'm staying."

With this final statement, I reached over to the middle of the table and picked up our rings. With a feeling of relief, I untied the lace and dropped the rings into my palm. I then reached over and slipped her rings back on her finger and handed her my wedding ring as well. She smiled and put it on my finger.

"Can we please go to bed and finish this in the morning?"

Jill smiled and nodded and grabbed my hand as she stood up. She started to walk over to the bed when she stopped with a strange look on her face. "Jake, where is your stuff?"

I groaned as I remembered that all of my gear was in a locker down at the marina. "In a locker at the marina. Want to take a walk?"

Jill smiled and shook her head. "Not really. You can get it tomorrow. We can share a toothbrush. Let's just go to bed."

If my life were a story, we would have attacked each other at that moment, tore each other's clothes off and made passionate love for the rest of the night. But, this is real life. Neither of us was in the mood for anything but sleep. We were both exhausted, both physically and mentally.

We quietly went about the every day chores of getting ready for bed and soon slipped under the sheet on the king-sized bed. I noticed that Jill was wearing her typical summertime sleeping attire, a long tank top that came down to her upper thighs. I was in a pair of boxers.

When we got on the bed, I stretched out on my back. Although I was tired, I knew that it was going to take a long time for me to get to sleep. I knew that this conversation and the activities of the day would replay themselves in my mind. Jill lay down on her side with her back towards me. I could still see the tension in her body as she turned off the night and muttered a good night. From the way that she was lying, the last thing that she looked like she wanted was to cuddle.

For an interminable time, I just laid there staring into the darkness trying to make sense of everything that I had heard tonight. From her breathing, I could tell that Jill was also still awake. Finally, I realized that her body was shaking. She was crying softly to herself.

Almost instinctively, I reached out my arm to comfort her. As my arm touched her back, she turned over and burrowed her head into my chest and started crying in earnest. I just held her and tried to sooth her as she cried herself out. I didn't speak; I just held her and tried to show my love by the way that I held her. Finally, we both fell into a restless sleep holding on to each other for dear life.