Reflection

"I guess it is my boyfriend..." I started, knowing even as I said it that it wasn't everything. And suddenly it was pouring out. His actions that night in the alley. All of his infidelities. Worse, the fact that he flaunted them. His basic disrespect for me. The entire...fucked up basis of our entire relationship. My pathetic and disgusting meekness in the face of it. But as I spilled all of that awful bullshit onto Kara's kitchen table, I realized that Erik hadn't just happened. There was a time in my life that I wouldn't have put up with that stuff. I hadn't been born spineless. In a terrible sort of way, Kara had last seen me at the pitiful high point of my life (assistant manager and struggling college student...great) and it had all been downhill from there. I began chasing back through my other failures and shortcomings. I mean Erik wasn't the first to cheat on me. He was just the most brazen. But there was so much more. Lost jobs, lost money, poor decisions, my inadequacy in college and my failures there, my many unhealthy and broken relationships, romantic and otherwise. Everything. I laid out all of the crushing disappointments that I'd experienced in the last few years. All of things that had primed me for the humiliation I'd experienced early that night, everything that had worn me down to the point that I no longer even felt humiliated.

"How...how can someone else ever have gotten anything out of me? I'm sorry...I am just...I'm not what you think that I am," I said. By the time that I finished, my voice was choked and my eyes burned with tears. I felt like I'd pulled my guts out of my stomach and dropped them onto the table. Emotionally exhausted.

Kara crossed her arms in front of her breasts and stared at me blankly. I felt like I could sense her respect for me evaporate. That was good, that was the way she should feel. But that didn't make it a pleasant experience for me. Her admiration had made me feel like a fraud and her disappointment now made me feel like a failure. I just hoped she didn't think of herself as disfigured because she looked like me. Finally, she spoke.

"So what...bad things have happened to you?" she asked flatly. I felt sick. Like I'd spent all this time exposing myself and she didn't even appreciate what I meant.

"You're not getting the point. It isn't just things. It's me. It's what happens to me..."

"You don't get the point," Kara said sharply, pointing at me, "What, do you think that when I was coming out to my family and my school that I didn't think that that it was me? What, do you think I had the maturity then to understand what was happening? I mean, obviously, I thought I was cursed."

"No but..."

"You're in a rut Joanie," Kara said seriously, "I mean...more than a rut. You're in a bad place right now. I guess I didn't recognize it at first because I was just so happy to see you. But you've had a rough go of it lately."

"Yeah..." I said. Not sure where she was going.

"But do you remember what you told me when Dale stole my learner's permit and made copies of it and then posted those all over the store? With that terrible picture and that awful 'M' under 'sex'?" she asked, referring to one of our former co-workers. I remembered the event. I couldn't for the life of me remember what I'd said.

"No," I said. Kara reached up and pressed her finger under my chin, pulling my head up so that I was looking at her. She stared into my eyes.

"You aren't the terrible things that happen to you," she said.

"What?"

"That's what you told me Joan. That's what you said to me." And then I remembered it, "I'd been crying in the supply closet..."

"Well what the hell did I know? I was a kid then too," I said bitterly. God, had I ever been such a vapid optimist spewing out life lessons when I didn't know life? But she shook the comment off, didn't even acknowledge it.

"You need to stop hating yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself..."

"I don't feel sorry. I really don't. I have accepted this..."

"You're lying to yourself," Kara shot back, "The disappointments you've felt have not been your fault. They could happen to anyone. What is your fault is the way you've reacted to it. You have taken it inside. You've allowed yourself to be defined by your failures and your mistakes and your shame. Or your perceived flaws, at least. That is what I used to do Joanie, I know what I'm talking about."

"I guess I'm not as strong as you," I said bitterly. Kara sighed deeply and shook her head.

"I didn't figure that out by myself Joan," she replied, "You taught me that. That is what I'm saying. You helped me break the cycle by showing me that you didn't blame me for my problems and you didn't feel pity about them either. And if you could feel that way about me...then I could feel that way about myself. You just...you knew what I needed..."

"I don't need anything," I said, because I didn't know what else to say. I didn't like the pressure Kara was putting on me. Did she think I enjoyed this or something?

"You do," she said and I snarled back.

"Well I sure as fuck don't know what it is!" I spat. God that essentially the theme of my life.

"It's not..." But I was angry now. Maybe I pretended I knew everything back when I was in college and I was mentoring a trans girl that I knew nothing about. But I didn't know better. She didn't have that excuse.

"You've heard what I've been doing. You've how deep I'm into this Kara," I shouted now. The tears were falling down my cheeks now. I couldn't believe this was happening. How had I gotten here? How had I dredged all this unsolvable bullshit up? I just wanted her to leave. I wanted Kara, and all her naïve hero worship or whatever, to shut the fuck up. My tongue grew bitter, "I tell you what. Since you fucking know everything about me and have all the answers...what do I need? If you were me and you knew how fucking worthless you were, what would make everything better?!" I crossed my arms in front of my breasts, spent.

For a moment, Kara just sat looking at me. Her eyes remained soft, but unmoving. Her face...a prettier and happier version of mine, giving no hints of her thoughts. Bizarrely, the fact that I'd been so rude to her and shut her up so finally made me feel...happy. No, that isn't right. It wasn't a pleasant feeling. It was a kind of cold, slimy vindication. The closest thing to happy that I figured I could feel, so I'd take it.

Kara sat back in her chair for a moment, still looking at me. Then she placed her hands down on the table, and lifted herself to her feet. She walked slowly around the table, pushing in her chair as she did so. Then she began to close the distance between us. In a moment, she was standing directly next to me, right beside me. She turned, looking down at me. I'd been frozen ever since she'd gotten up. I wasn't scared or worried or anything. I was just...too emotionally battered to react. Besides, I had no idea what she was doing.

As soon as she was next to me, Kara bent over at the waist. I could smell her clean skin and feel her hot breath against my cheek as she whispered into my ear, "No matter what happened to you before, whether it was the way you were born or the pain that you've experienced, the rest of your life isn't written. It is never too late find your meaning in life. You deserve to be loved," she whispered, her voice tinkling softly into my ear, breathy and certain. I felt her words soak down over me, not sure if it was a good feeling or a bad one. I didn't have time to find out.

Once the last word had slipped from Kara's lips, her hand rose and her finger and thumb found my chin. She applied the slightest pressure to my jaw, tilting me in her direction. I found no will to resist, and soon I found myself staring directly at Kara's face. Her thick lips (thicker than mine) were slightly parted and her eyes were half opened, a serene-gaze pointed in my direction. I waited for her to speak again, fumbling in my mind to a rejoinder to her last whisper. But she didn't speak again. Instead, her eyes closed and she began to lean in towards me.

It happened before I overcame my shock enough to recognize what was happening. In a moment Kara's face suddenly filled my entire field of vision. And then I felt it. Warm, without being hot, pillowy soft and just the slightest bit wet, I felt Kara's lips press into mine. I hadn't been expecting it and wasn't even really sure that I wanted it, so I didn't have the normal, vibrating excitement that usually comes with a kiss. But once I felt Kara's lips wrap gently around mine, I felt something more powerful. A shiver ran down my body, so much so that I felt myself shake against Kara's firm kiss. Sensations dripped down from my lips, coating one nerve and then another, doubling in intensity each time. I felt it soak slowly, but forcefully down my body. I felt the sensation glide velvety down my neck, across my chest, over my nipples, and down between my legs. I felt it finally reach my toes, making them curl at the same moment I felt it swirl over my brain, leaving me feeling fuzzy and disoriented...but not unpleasantly so.

I don't know what that sensation was. I'd never felt anything like it from a kiss. Or from anything else, for that matter. It was unlike anything I'd ever even imagine I'd feel. It felt...lovely. And I don't mean that as another way of saying it felt nice. It felt like it was love. It was made of up of the substance of love, that mysterious element that we cannot define except when we feel it. I don't know what it was...but I felt it there.

Right before it happened, the idea of being kissed would have been the last thing on my mind. It might even have seemed cruel or repulsive. I had dug so deeply into the wretched depths of my battered emotions that I would have been ashamed to accept a kiss. I certainly hadn't had any feeling of attraction towards Kara. I was straight and she was a woman. Besides...she looked like me. It would've been perverse...But as I felt that lovely feeling soaking over me new feelings arose. I felt a sort of warmth bloom in my chest, my skin grew prickly and more sensitive, I felt my body quickening as it reacted to this sudden beauty. I luxuriated in Kara's kiss. I wanted it desperately. I wanted more.

If I'd been asked then, I probably would have said that I was so starved for physical attention from Erik that any kiss with a little bit of affection would have caused my cheeks to flush, my nipples to contract, and my muscles to grow weak. Maybe I wouldn't have even been able to come up with that rationalization. Now I wonder if I wasn't physical at all. Kara had thrown out an emotional lifeline in the most unexpected manner, but the right manner. I grabbed for it. With both hands.

At first literally.

I am not sure how long that Kara kissed me. It couldn't have been for more than a few seconds. But after some time, she slowly started to pull away. I felt the warmth of her kiss leave me, I could feel breath from her nose against my cheek. Instinctively, my hands reached up. My left hand shot quickly around Kara's waist and in a moment I felt my hand against the warm small of her back, pulling her in towards the chair. With my right hand, I reached and placed my palm against the back of Kara's neck. I placed the slightest pressure there, pulling her back down towards me. I felt, rather than saw, Kara's lips pull back in a smile, and she easily allowed me to pull her towards me, once again drawing our mouths together.

As Kara's soft lips once again melted into mine, I heard myself groan quietly. It was just a minor eruption from deep in my throat. This kiss was at least as powerful as the first, the sensations just as raw. As I groaned, my mouth opened slightly. Kara sensed it and moved to take advantage. I felt her warm, wet tongue slip gently across my open mouth, tickling against my teeth. My mouth opened farther and I Kara's tongue slipped more deeply between my lips.

Her tongue was thick, silky soft, and seemed to gently fill my entire mouth. I groaned again as I was able to taste Kara's tongue as my own tentatively inched forward to stroke hers. Sweet and somehow decadent. Our tongues moved together directly between my opened lips, stroking and tumbling around one another. I closed my lips around Kara's tongue, feeling her smooth muscles wiggling gently against me. I felt her sweet saliva drip slightly into my mouth and I savored the flavor of her. I pushed my own tongue forward now, slipping past her and pressing slightly against Kara's soft lips before entering her warm mouth. Her taste was even stronger here and I ran my tongue on her teeth and played with her tongue as it retreated to meet me.

I'd kept my hands on Kara's body, one hand pulled her body closer, the other willing her mouth closer to mine. But I wasn't grasping her tightly, just sort of willing her close. But now it was Kara who seemed to want to get closer. As the soft, wet sounds of our kisses, mixed with an occasional moan from me, began to fill the kitchen, Kara grew more assertive. I felt her moving slightly; though she maintained our kiss, my hands slipped off of her. In a moment, she was sort of half behind my chair so that the middle of her chest was lined up with my left shoulder. Her body was facing the same direction as mine, although she was standing. My head was turned over my shoulder as she kissed me. She was leaning her head over my shoulder now, tilting her face to me.

Our kissing grew more passionate as I felt her body so close to me. Her taste grew thicker and more intense as our tongues moved more desperately. I could smell her delicate vanilla-cinnamon scent and feel her breasts against my shoulder as she leaned. Her long hair draped down over my arm, tickling me and arousing my nerves. But then I gasped around Kara's tongue as I felt something even more powerful reach me.

Kara's right arm had slipped over my right shoulder. I'd barely felt it, I was so entranced by her perfect lips. Still, I had been vaguely aware that it had snaked its way across my throat and then down over my breastbone. I had tried to look attractive for Erik that night, as best I could, and I was wearing a low-cut black dress with spaghetti straps. It showed of what cleavage I had without the need for a pushup bra, or any bra at all. He hadn't really noticed, but it seemed that Kara had. I gasped when I felt her fingers slide down gently between my breasts, her fingers feel cool and smooth against my sensitive skin.

My eyes fluttered open briefly as I felt Kara's fingers sinking deeper and deeper between my breasts. Kara's tongue was still in my mouth, her eyes still closed. My eyes closed again, not wanting to impact the deliciousness of the sensation I was feeling by noticing that Kara looked like me. I kissed her more deeply instead, trying to signal her to keep going.

That probably wasn't necessary. After a few seconds, Kara's fingers slipped down all the way through my cleavage, I felt her fingernails scratch gently against the top of my stomach. Then her fingers were curling. I gasped again as I felt Kara's hand slowly, and gently, closing around the soft flesh of my left breast. Her fingers felt warmer now and I felt them sinking into my sensitive skin. But she didn't squeeze too hard. Instead, she started to move her fingers gently, letting them ripple and ripple against my skin. Her palm pressed firmly against the underside of my breast while her fingers massaged me.

I'd never much cared for having my breasts pawed at, men were too rough. But Kara was a woman, and her touch was as delicate as her scent. Not a single unit of force too much was used. It was just...achingly perfect. Each movement of her finger ratcheting up the tension, before dropping back and making me thirst for more. The whole while, Kara continued to kiss me deeply, as though that was her only focus. I plunged my tongue into her mouth and groaned at the same time, feeling myself becoming more desperately aroused and wanting desperately to beg for more.

But Kara continued her teasingly methodical and delicious pace. As her fingers continued to move against my breasts, I felt her palm moving. It sort of slid easily against my smooth skin, from where it had begun cupping the bottom of my breast, higher and higher. I felt a shudder run through me as I felt the taut skin stretched between Kara's thumb and forefinger press against my tender nipple. It had been firm and stimulated for some time and now stood up desperate for attention. I felt Kara's palm gently slip over it and the sensitive bead of flesh soon pressed firmly against her. Kara's fingers continued to massage the taut flesh of my breast, but my focus was now entirely on my nipple. Kara didn't squeeze her palm tightly against my breast. Instead, she hovered it gently above, just allowing it to barely tickle against her skin as her wrist moved slightly. Each gentle movement just made my desire for her touch greater as the barest hints of pure pleasure radiated out from my sensitive nerves. I actually arched my back out, trying to press my nipple into Kara's palm, desperate for some relief. I opened my mouth in a silent groan, and felt Kara's tongue dig deeply towards my throat, tasting me.

After several minutes of gently massaging my left breast, I felt Kara's hand begin to draw back. I whimpered, but focused on the sensation. She didn't pull her hand back all at once, instead, she slowly drew her palm back, letting her fingers trail across the skin of my breast She sort of drew all of her fingers together, towards the center, I felt them tickling across my flesh. Then I gasped loudly as the five fingers converged at the same time against my throbbing nipple. It was like a jolt of electricity through my entire body. But by the time I realized what had happened, Kara's fingers had already moved on, leaving me unsated, teased. She'd already bent her wrist to the side and she moved onto my other breast, repeating her actions at a slightly more awkward angle, but with no loss of skill. The only relief that I got was that my tight dress top had back against my left nipple.

While Kara had been kissing me and gently massaging my breasts, her left hand had apparently not been idle, though I'd barely noticed it. But now I felt it tugging on me. I realized what it was. Kara had sort of grasped the fabric of my dress at my left thigh. While we'd kissed, she'd begun walking her fingers down the fabric, sort of scooping more and more of the fabric up into her palm, making the dress ride up my thigh. Now one whole side of my dress was clamped in her palm and my entire left leg was exposed. Kara was tugging on my dress, trying to pull it up.

At that moment, my chest was heaving deeply and I was taking short, ragged breaths. Every nerve in my body was crying out for attention and I could barely keep my thoughts straight. I would've done anything in the world for Kara at that moment. If she want to pull my dress up...I was happy to let her. I lifted my ass slightly up off of the chair, but just for a second. Kara gave a sharp tug and the back of my dress slipped up easily over my hips. Now Kara finally slipped her right hand off of my breast (once again doing that delicious little trick with her fingers and turning me to mush). As she moved it out, she grabbed around the neckline of my dress, pulling from that as well. My tight dress rapidly slipped up my body. I felt a disorienting absence, and realized that Kara had suddenly slipped her tongue from my mouth, breaking our kiss. I moaned, missing her already, as the dress slipped up over my head. I heard Kara throw it on the floor.

I felt the cool air of Kara's kitchen on my skin as I suddenly realized what was happening. Without Kara's tongue or hand mesmerizing me, I recognized that I was essentially naked in Kara's home. The only thing I was wearing was a pair of black panties (even my high heels had fallen off at some point while we were kissing). I felt my cheeks go red, embarrassed. What was happening?