A Brother's Dilemma

'I know.' She nodded slowly. 'I know it Tom, but I don't think I could live in the same house as him, knowing we could never be together in that way...and he's told me the same.' She leaned toward me to give emphasis to her words. 'Look, don't think I don't care...I love Mum and I love you, and the life we have. I'd do anything to protect it – except give him up.' She looked at me miserably. 'I guess I love him more.'

'And do you think, when their marriage is on the rocks, that you'll be able to stay with him?'

'You and I will both need to stay somewhere. For me, it may as well be with him.'

I couldn't believe the words she was uttering. It was as if she was talking about dividing up the furniture rather than destroying a marriage of twenty years and the love and happiness of her own mother. I'd never thought of Ash as self-centred but I suddenly realised how wrong I'd been - it was all about her. I opened my mouth to tell her so – to rage against her and how fucking selfish she was, but I knew it wouldn't help. And so I just stared at her until the bitter heat of my anger subsided.

It must have unnerved her though, because she squirmed under my gaze. 'Don't look at me like that Tom – I know what you're thinking' she said. 'Don't you think I've worried about it every day since Dad and I -' she left the words unspoken, but we both knew what they were: started fucking.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment before she continued. 'I've tossed and turned every night, trying to figure out what to do – and I've spoken to Dad about it too. We even agreed to stop...to get on with our lives as they were before.' She gave a little laugh, but it was without humour. 'It lasted about four days. I just can't do without him.'

'So the marriage is doomed.'

She shook her head. 'There is a way, Tom.' She grasped my hand tighter, her eyes on my face. 'Do you remember a few weeks ago, when you first told me you'd seen us in London?' She watched me nod. 'Do you remember what you said?'

'I said a lot of things, Ash – but mostly you should stop.'

'You said you loved me and if there was anything you could do to help, you would.'

I thought back. 'Yes, I did – and I will, Ash. But I'm not covering for you anymore. You need to take responsibility for -'

'I want you to go with Mum.'

The seven words fell from her lips like blocks of stone. If she'd told me she was having a sex change I would have been less aghast. I remember staring at her in shock and disbelief, hoping she was joking, but the grey eyes looking at me were clear and steady and her expression was deadly serious.

'Are you fucking mad?' I replied.

'Think about it. I'm having it off with Dad. Supposing you were to hook up with Mum? It would take all the guilt out of what we are doing and everybody would be happy -'

'Christ, Ash! We're not all like you!' I snatched my hand out of hers as if it had turned into a hot skillet. 'Fuck! Do you know what you've just said?'

'Get off your moral mountain and listen to me.' She regarded my face for a moment. 'Tell me that you've never fancied her.'

'Sure, she's pretty. So are you, but I've never -'

'Tell me, Tom. Tell me the truth.'

The question rocked me back on my heels. Was it true? Had I ever looked at my Mum sexually, visualizing what I'd like to do to her? Imaging what she looked like naked, and how she would feel as I slid into her? Even thinking about it at that moment, sitting on that bench having the most bizzare conversation of my life, triggered an image of my mother leaning forward to kiss me on the lips, and how she would taste.

I guess my silence was answer enough, because Ash's hand crept back into mine. 'Tom – look at me,' she said.

I raised my eyes to hers and she smiled and grasped my fingers reassuringly 'There's nothing wrong with thinking about her that way. It's not our fault. I guess we've always been a close family – you know, perhaps closer than most others. It didn't take much for me to break the parent-kid thing with Dad and I don't think it would be difficult for you two either.'

'What the hell makes you think I want to, Ash?'

'The question is why you'd want not to,' she said simply. 'She's a beautiful woman and, although you don't know it yet, is everything you'd ever want.'

'But she's my Mum!'

'Yes, she is, and she always will be. But I know you've looked at her from time to time, imagining her naked, wondering what it would be like to have sex together -' she held up her hand to forestall my words, '- no, listen. Girls are far better at picking up looks and vibes than blokes are, and I've seen it – and so has she.'

I shook my head. 'Ash, it's one thing having a sneak peek and quite another to get into it.'

'Don't you think she wants it, Tom? I reckon Mum would love to broaden her horizons with you.'

I gaped at her, lost for words. It was bad enough her asking me to seduce my mother without revealing she had the hots for me. I just sat there with my mouth open.

'Didn't you know?' she asked gently, 'haven't you realised the significance of the little dinner dates she puts on for you when Dad and I are away, just for the two of you? Silver service and candles?' She shook her head. 'And haven't you seen the little looks that shoot your way sometimes, and the way she touches you whenever she can?'

I shook my head in denial. 'That's just her, and there's nothing sexual in it. She just likes having time with me and making things a bit special.'

'Trust me, it wouldn't take much to cross the line. The only thing stopping her is the fear you'd be disgusted, and that Dad would find out. Take those two concerns away and the game would be on.'

If she was right I honestly hadn't seen it, but the knowledge didn't help me any. Sure I'd thought about what it would be like to see her naked, but that was only because I was a horny young guy and she was smoking hot. That didn't make me a pervert, and it sure as hell didn't mean she felt the same way about me. The conversation was over, and I stood up.

'You're wrong, Ash, and I'm not going there. This problem is your making, not mine, and you need to find a solution that doesn't involve me seducing my own mother.'

'I thought you'd say that, and I get how you feel. It was a lot to ask.' she looked at me quizzically.

'It's no good looking at me like that! You've put me in an impossible dilemma, Ash. I can do nothing and watch the family fall apart, or I can seduce Mum, which is just plain wrong. What sort of dodgy choice is that?'

She smiled sympathetically. 'It's a brother's dilemma, Tom, from a sister who loves you. At least my idea might keep us all together. Can you just think about it?'

'No, I won't. It's a fucked-up idea.'

Ash laughed. 'Yes you will,' she replied. 'It's in your head now, and you'll think about it a lot.'

*

She was right, of course. What had seemed invisible before was suddenly revealed – the way Mum smiled at me, the occasional glances when she thought I was looking elsewhere and, when she could, the little touches on my arm or shoulder or hand. It wasn't sexual, I'm sure, but to my now sensitive way of thinking it did seem a bit more than normal. Whatever normal was.

The thing was, now I was aware of it I found myself responding: a smile where I'd not even noticed one before, or a squeeze of her hand when those long, slim fingers touched mine. I realised too that most of the interaction occurred when the other two were out of the room, almost as if she didn't want them to see, and every time she did it I felt a little warm glow in the pit of my belly.

Ash noticed, though. She'd walked past the kitchen just as Mum was giving me a meaningful smile and afterwards she nudged me in the hallway. 'I told you, she whispered, 'she fancies you.' I can't remember what I replied, but it made me realise that Mum's little ways weren't as transparent as she'd thought. I didn't feel guilty, though: it was harmless stuff and if it made her feel better I was for it.

A couple of weeks later Dad announced at the dinner table that he had to go to Bristol for a couple of days.

'I thought things were pretty quiet for you,' I said, wincing as Ash kicked me under the table. 'In fact, I heard the company was laying off a few contractors.'

'You're right – it is quiet here, although I think we're OK for staff,' he replied. 'But head office is aggressively marketing in the west, and we're starting to get results. Unfortunately it means I have to spend a bit of time away.'

'Don't BT and PlusNet have Bristol covered?'

He nodded. 'They do, pretty much, but we're interested in the rural sector between here and there. Phil's been working on a strategic partnership with Now Broadband which seems to be coming together. If it does, we can expect work in Wiltshire and Gloucestershire, and perhaps even in the West Country.'

'And what about you, Ashley?' Mum asked. 'Will you be around for the next few days?

'I've got a few days between assignments and I thought I'd pop over and see Millie.'

'You seem to spend a lot of time with her.' I couldn't help myself.

'She works for a marketing company and I'm majoring in marketing. Go figure, Tom.'

Millie lived in Guildford and Dad was going west, to Bristol. The only figuring to be done was where the hotel was, what he'd be doing to my sister in it – as if I didn't know. Ash had a wooden expression on her face and she kicked me under the table again, so I left it alone.

I glanced at my mother who was sitting at the foot of the table, but she didn't seem overly upset at the thought that her husband was going away again. Perhaps she was getting used to it. And she didn't look like she'd picked up on the fact that every time he was away, Ash was too, although I wondered how long that would take.

'So it looks like you and me again, Tom,' she said quietly. 'You're going to be here, aren't you? Perhaps we can do something together – you know, take in a movie or whatever.'

I nodded in agreement and tried not to wince as Ash kicked me for the third time.

*

'Have you thought about it?' It was pouring with rain and I'd agreed to drive my sister to the railway station.

'Thought about what?'

She punched me in the shoulder and laughed. 'You know exactly what I mean.'

'Well, I have – and the answer is still no.'

'Why not? It's the perfect answer to our little problem.'

'It's not our problem, Ash – it's your problem, and it's not a little one either; and for the record, you can't solve them with the same level of thinking that created them.'

'Says who?'

'Says Albert Einstein, for a start – that was his quote, and I think its spot on. Two wrongs don't make a right.'

Ash lapsed into silence for a while, staring through the rain-speckled windscreen. She was wearing a honey chamois jacket over a cream dress, and it looked stunning.

I held out an olive branch. 'Is that a new jacket?'

She smiled. 'Do you like it?'

'I do. It looks expensive.'

'I wouldn't know. Dad bought it for me.'

'Really? A gift for the Mistress.' The words came out before I could stop them, and I saw them strike home.

She turned to me with eyes like chips of granite. 'You can call me what you want, Tom, but this isn't going away. You can drop me off here.'

'It's raining, Ash, and there's still half a mile to the station.'

'I'd rather get wet than listen to you. Pull over.'

I dropped her off and drove to work, troubled. Ash and I had always got on but the cracks were beginning to show. It occurred to me that I was blaming her more than him, and I thought about it for a while. Dad was eighteen years older than her and should have known better, but I understood what he was doing. You only had to see Ash walking down the street to want her, and he was not even in his middle years yet. Any guy would be pleased to have her in his bed.

But it was more than that, because deep down I was jealous. Until all this started she'd just been my sister, but knowing she was into incest made me wonder what would have happened if I'd made a play for her. Would I be driving somewhere, right now, excited by the prospect of a spine-shattering fuck with the most beautiful girl I knew? And how much of that excitement would be because it was a secret affair, filled with risk and danger? Quite a lot, probably. Illicit sex was always going to be more exciting than routine sex, and fucking your sister would top the list.

I parked the car at the office and went in, my mind troubled. Being angry with Ash was one thing, but being jealous of her was another - and jealousy was the most destructive of all emotions. I guess it was then that I realised their affair had the potential do so much more than split up our parents – it could scatter the four of us to the winds.

*

'I didn't want to cook tonight, so I've booked a table at Giovanni's,' my mother announced.

I put my coat on the table and leaned forward for a kiss on the cheek, nodding my acceptance. 'That sounds nice, but I'll pay my share.'

'No need, Tom, I've got it covered.'

'I'm sure you have, but I can't have people thinking you're a Cougar.'

She looked at me blankly. 'What's a Cougar?'

'It's a wild cat from Northern America, like a mountain lion.'

'I know that, silly! I mean, why would people think I was one?'

She was fussing in the kitchen, tidying up bits and pieces but I saw that she'd changed into a nice dress, and her make-up was perfect. She looked fifteen years younger than her age, and I regretted the remark. 'A cougar is a term for women who like picking up younger men, Mum, but don't worry about it – I was joking. You look younger than me. In fact, you look fantastic.'

She'd bent down to get a bottle of wine, and my eyes were drawn like magnets to the glorious view of the lacy black bra she was wearing and the two pert breasts nestling in it.

'Do you think so?' She'd seen where my eyes were as she stood up, and was smiling.

'I know so.' My cheeks were colouring at being caught. 'What time is the table booked for?'

'Seven, but I thought we could have a drink first – it's the end of the week.'

'Sure. Do I have time for a shower?'

'That would be a good idea. You smell of printer's ink.'

'Journalists don't use printer's ink any more, Mum, it's all on computers now.'

'Whatever.' She was still smiling, pleased at the compliment and my covert interest in her body. 'I'll pour you a drink.'

As I stood under the shower I remembered what Ash had said a week or so ago, about dinner dates with Mum. I'd laughed it off at the time but here we were off to Giovanni's, which was one of the more expensive and intimate restaurants in town. I'd only been there once or twice when I was trying to impress a chick.

And now my Mum was taking me there too, and she looked as excited as a young girl on her first date. I had the uncomfortable feeling that Ash was right, and I realised that I was enjoying it. Hell, if Ash was up close and personal with Dad, a little flirting with Mum couldn't hurt, could it? Being worried about her marriage would knock her self-confidence around, and letting her have a bit of fun wouldn't hurt. After all, it was only flirting and I was only doing it for her.

I dressed in my smartest pants and shirt, and used a little of the expensive after-shave she'd given me for Christmas, and I wondered downstairs to find her in the lounge room. She gestured at the glasses on the table. 'I thought we'd have a bottle of red from your father's cellar. I've had some already and it's really good.'

'It's sixty quid a bottle, Mum! I can't drink that.'

She shrugged. 'He's never here to argue about it Tom, and if we don't enjoy it, who will? Ashly doesn't drink red.'

Bringing Ash into that sentence begged a question but I let it pass and raised the glass, smiling at her. 'Well, here's to us. And can I say how much I'm looking forward to taking the most beautiful woman in Abingdon on a date tonight.'

'Oh, get away with you,' she said. I could see she was pleased though, both with the compliment and, I suspected, because I'd used the word 'woman' rather than 'Mum'. Perhaps I should call her Eleanor for the night - except that would be a bit weird.

She patted the sofa next to her. 'Come and sit down. We've got a bit of time before the taxi comes.' She took a mouthful of her drink and laughed. 'Your fathers got a good taste in wine, at least,' she said, 'and we've got a whole cellar full, so make the most of it.' She clinked glasses and we drank.

'Don't be angry with him, Mum – he's trying his best for the family -'

She gave me a look and I closed my mouth. It wouldn't serve any purpose tonight, and I could see she didn't want to talk about it. There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment while I desperately thought of something else to say.

'Is that a new dress? I don't remember seeing it before.'

'It is, Tom. Do you like it?'

'Very much. It makes you look young.' It did, too – a sheath of blue in a kind of satin that clung to her body. On some women it would have looked like mutton dressed as lamb, but on her youthful figure it really worked.

'You don't think it's a bit...um, too revealing?' She thrust out her bosom.

'No, there's a bit of cleavage showing but it's...nice. If I was dating you I'd think it was very nice.'

She gave a low chuckle. 'Good answer. I bet you never thought your mother would ask you what you thought of her breasts.'

'Actually, you didn't. You asked if the dress was too revealing. If you want me to pass judgement on your breasts you'll have to give me a look at them.'

'Tom Channing!' She pretended to be all indignant. 'What a thing to say.'

'Well, I reckon I was about nine months old when I last saw them. From what I remember they were really nice, too.'

She looked at me, smiling. 'Are you flirting with me, young man?'

'I am, unashamedly. Tonight is the night for flirting, don't you think?' I took another sip of my wine. 'Are we allowed to take a bottle of this to the restaurant, do you think?'

'Flirting and trying to get me drunk! It looks like I underestimated you, young fellow.' She laughed softly. 'Thank you - It's been a while since anybody did either of those two things to me.'

'Are you telling me that blokes at the office don't try it on? That's hard to believe.'

Mum shook her head. 'Everyone's toeing the Political Correctness path now. You can't even look at someone without being accused of sexual harassment, so nobody says or does anything that's not connected to work. Even the traditional Christmas parties have disappeared.' She smiled suddenly, thinking back. 'Mind you, they were just an excuse to try and get into each other's pants.' She giggled. 'I could tell you a few stories about what went on – um, before I met your Dad, of course.'

'I happen to know that you met Dad when you were sixteen. So how many office Christmas parties had you been to by then?'

She laughed and waved her glass at me. 'Oops. You got me, son. I guess we were all a bit wild then.'

So Mum had gone to racy parties even after she was married! It didn't mean she'd done anything, but she must have been a bit of hot stuff. I mean, she was beautiful now, but as a teen she must have been stunning. I wondered just how wild she'd been – perhaps I'd hear a bit more over dinner.

'And what about you, Tom?' She held out her glass for a refill and waited while I poured. 'I don't see you going out with many girls.'

'Ellie's dating someone else.'

Mum furrowed her brow. 'Did I ever meet her?'

'I'm not sure. Slim, brown hair brown eyes – older than me. She had freckles on the bridge of her nose and laughed a lot, very loudly.' I didn't think it was worth mentioning that she fucked a lot, too – and not all with me.