All Comments on 'A Loven Family (Redux)'

This kind of story is right up my street and I found it a very hot and enjoyable read. That said, I highly recommend getting in touch with an editor. There were many drafting errors in the story. Not enough to ruin the experience but enough to be a distraction. Another piece of (what I hope is) constructive feedback is that for a fun, high concept taboo sex story, your angst to erotica ratio is a little unbalanced for my taste here too. I personally prefer a more gradual, seductive descent into debauchery than most of the family here had and also less of the intense negative emotions our protagonist went through. Slowly escalating tension capped off with a big cathartic (and possibly extended) climax is a winner. That's most likely just my own personal preference though so take that for what it's worth. In any case I hope you continue to write and look forward to your next offering.

If half of the stories that are submitted are as good as this one, this site will definitely improve over 100%. Outstanding story.

Just ,Beautiful !!! Hard to believe it is your first story and you have no editor !

It is better than a lot of the stories here that have been edited . Your concept is exquisite. I'm truly looking forward to your next offering!

It was a good start, although I would have liked him to give in sooner. But none the less it was a good story, perhaps a second chapter?..

I'm stingy with 5's. But, being your 1st time you probably didn't expect many 5's anyway right ? So, yes you have work to do, build up, making the story a tad more believable in a genre that is unbelievable to begin with. To make each encounter a little more detailed, let the protagonists explain their sensations and feelings, and perhaps let the spectators describe the hot, wet, sweaty scenes for your readers. All in all, well done. Get an editor and carry on with more of your naughty ideas.

I liked it a lot and have it give stars. For future stories, you may want to use the free editor service on Literotica. It can't hurt to have a second pair of eyes proofreading your story for spelling and grammatical errors.

Fantastic story for your first time, loved it.

Only let down was grammer in places. Understand the trust issue given the subject but try a grammer checker through whichever program you use to write with.

Don't take that criticism badly, I hope to read more from you.

Yes, this was a great story, but the first thing any writer should do after writing, is read it over. That way you would have picked the many wrong and poorly spelt words.

Stars dropped for that.

I agree with most of the other comments about editing. It is better to have someone else edit it for you after you have done it yourself as they always will find things that that you missed. At the end I was wondering how Anna would react and possibly be brought into the family when she returned. But that might be in your Chapter 2.

Thank you for all your feedback. I really do need an editor, And I'll pursue on in the future.

Having dad knock up on of the twins and the brother ther the older sister and mom would be great

This is great for a first try, and IMHO you're in less need of an editor than 90 percent of the uploaders on this site.

Keep going!

This is a good first attempt at writing erotica. I also like slower seduction and entering into lust between the people. There could be more interaction with the goddess in the marble. The statue could give the rest of the family dreams to seduce them into lust between each other. Also the statue seemed to get warmer with the family list love. Does the sex and love between the family members give the goddess life and more powder to effect more each time a couple join together?

It's unfortunate that the main character broke.

is there going to be a 2nd part?

> "We've got everything we need. Family photo, Goddess of Lust, dead cat. It's all there."

I knew I was in for a treat at that line, and I wasn't disappointed! Well done!

Hated this story. Just smash the statue over dad's head and leave!

Story was good. Let’s lose the 3rd sister as it slows down the story and have the dynamic changed where the son corrupts the family. It didn’t make any sense for the statue to influnace everyone else before the son.

Dan should be virgin or Dan should be married with Anna ( with a 5 month son , whose boobs are always filled with milk), Liz should have only one daughter, Mara ( a swollen belly of 5 months pregnancy ) & Jack ( son-in-law ) . Lastly a cook cum driver ( 18 yrs Nigro ) of the Lovely family along with Anna's mother Marie , please develop another family saga as " The Holy Family " with these characters & mix the scenerios with fetishism like sweaty hairyarmpit, lactation, pregnancy, pissing etc. Please please. Thanks.

That is all I can say: WOW!

Very well written. I read it all and thoroughly enjoyed it. 5 Stars.

I hope to see a series of this family now and with the girlfriend coming to stay ;)

Great Concept and writing. I'm glad that LexxRuthless credited you for his inspiration for The Outsider which lead me to this story. I look forward to more of your work.

No seriously I love the scenario and slow fall, for one member, into depravity. It casts the tone of the whole scenario from just taboo to gloriously steamy smut. Mind that might be my love of group scene's in prose speaking, but I'd love to see more stories along this line from you.

Having read the other work on your profile first then this one I can see why that one was inspired by this one. Keep trucking and you'll surely get better overall with whatever you choose to write next.

Best wishes.

I so enjoy the stories where it takes time for the mc to adapt to the change in incestual dynamics.

So, I will start off this comment by stating that just like your other story, I did enjoy the premise of this one. I think you do a really good job w/ dialogue, as well as the portrayal of your characters (high-lighting their personalities, traits, etc), and your grammar is pretty much impeccable (call me a grammar nazi, but you'll be amazed at how many stories I read/have read on this site, where it's apparent that proper grammar, spelling, sentence structure was simply an afterthought to the author).

However, I do think there are critical flaws in both of your stories that prevent them from being among the top-tier stories on this site. The first, and in my opinion major one, being that your male protagonist tends to be WAAAAY too damn passive. To the point that not only does it not strike me as realistic (at least for someone his age), but it even gets to be annoying too. This story, in particular, highlighted that flaw, as it seemed like EVERYONE just got the one up on this guy in verbally chastising him. Even when it was a situation where he was RIGHT, you still wrote him as a guy who simply bows his head (a literal quote of yours I might add) in Charlie Brown fashion (only not as comical) at the slightest bit of pushback. I'm not saying your male protagonist should be some unfeeling jerk, but by the same token, he should have something resembling a spine within him.

The other flaw, again, in my opinion, is the lack of not only sex for your protagonist, but also proper resolution. As a reader, I have absolutely no problem with a story having a lot of build-up to the climax, so to speak. But the trade-off should be that there are a plentiful amount of sex involving your star character as well. Just like your Outsider story, this one spent a lot of time on build-up (4 pages worth), but only to give us literally 1.5 sex scenes featuring the male protagonist (I don't count Daniel's memory of his last romp w/ Anna because it was just in his memory/imagination). Tell me, how is it that a side character like Peter has more sex in this story than the person the story is centered on? Peter literally had sex (multiple times) w/ every woman in their house, but poor Dan only gets laid twice, with the last one being such a rush job, that it seems an afterthought on your part. Daniel does have sex w/ Liz, and there is some resolution between them, but what about w/ Mara? Daniel had one conversation with her, in which nothing was resolved and Mara pretty much dismissed him w/an "it happened, get over it" vibe. Where is the resolution in that? Why couldn't you give us a fully-fleshed love scene involving those two, one in which they actually express and resolve the dormant feelings they clearly had for each other. Not to mention Daniel having some quality time w/ his two other sisters as well. I just really expect better, as there's so much potential in your stories, and in particular on the male protagonist(s), yet it seems a common theme that you have little interest following through w/ them.

I agree with Tony Strokes.

The eroticism starts well, but never reached it's full potential. The mathmetical potential is never reached. Example, finding sis with a fresh cream pie, and mom with an anal cream pie, is NOT the same as witnessing it. Or having him in the middle of a manage with the twins.

Great, fantastic, even,... potential. But you talk your way around it, cheating us all.

So well done. Good flow. Steve Bannon reference. Anon. Strong moral compass 'til the 3rd act.

What about Anna?

It was a good storyline but I feel the story would have been more interesting if you had peter as main character and his perspective and alternated between Daniels and peters point of view

Lexx Ruthless recommended this story, and he was accurate. Well done. It was exciting, erotic, and gripping. Great story.

Good one, but could have been so much better.

The length is very short for a good family orgy story. The main character Dan doesn't come around to the family incest idea till the very last page. So it has been four pages of him being a wishy-washy overly conservative prudish weirdo. By the time the actual action happens, the story is already over after a very perfunctory description of the orgy.

All of this unfortunately makes for a very unsatisfactory read. The true joy of an erotic story lies in the descriptive story telling. That was sorely lacking in this story.

If you ever feel you have to rework the story, please do so. The end product will be so much better.

Cheers

Again . Again . Again and Again.

Hey you Pussy authors, wimps can't you guys write a Single Character who doesn't bow down to Temptations.

But again you're all Humans (the biggest excuse of human existence).

OK. Obviously no surprises since it was obvious to the most casual reader that it was the statue that was leading the family down the rabbit hole of debauchery. It would seem that the only person not to get the memo was good 'ol Danny boy. Not too surprising since he was slower than molasses in January, at least until the last page . . . .

I like the family dynamic in your stories. While I can appreciate the tension and buildup, the fact that your main characters only get ONE real sex scene at the end of the story. With all the potential you embodied them with in Act 1, to only have them (him) only to be enjoyed/ experienced in less than a half of page is (for me) a bit of a let down. I do enjoy your theme of story telling, -in my opinion that their is so much meat on the bone to enjoy. Example, you have this delectable character as "Mara" who you created to be this beautiful and sexy woman, only to enjoy in the last three paragraphs, and no interaction with the twins with anybody but each other. I could imagine some great threesomes, foursome, and family origies,, for the family dynamic to be fully expressed and enjoyed. I do respect if that is not what you want to put into YOUR STORY, but with 7/8th of your work put into the buildup, alittle more payoff at the end would be great appreciated.

Thanks again for sharing.

And there was me hoping he'd tell them all to go to hell, and what does he do? He wimps out.

Good story, but like some others I believe there could have been a more extended, detailed, and satisfying climax. For example, maybe mom and dad go away together for the weekend so Dan could have some time alone with his sisters to fully explore their new relationship. Also, I feel the goddess should have been more grateful to Dan for sparing her, and given him some sort of gift or something. And Dan's girlfriend Anna, how is she going to fit in to this new dynamic?

Comments after reading for the second time. Your writing initially had a nice lite touch - Still needs some proof reading though - Shone is past participle for shine while shined is the past tense for the verb shine - Could have done without all the crude vulgarity though - While everyone else came under the influence of the figurine, Dan was still being an absolute wimpy ass dick-head - So why was Dan apparently immune from the effects? - "Tears were in his eyes". What's with all this puerile weeping shit? Still, all in all, a very good story . . . .