All Comments on 'A Mistake Corrected'

The story has real possibilities, if this is Chapter 1. If this is all there is, it stinks. It is like reading the jacket book cover, then not looking inside. <p> <p> <p>

There are too many technical errors to list. Please read out loud what you have written and you'll probably see most of the errors. Better, have an editor look at it. Your work shows some promise, but is incomplete. If you expect people to read it, you should have complete sentences that make sense. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.

Your work has been improving, RealDoc, but this is a small step backwards. What you have is a good "treatment," or a very detailed outline. It has very little description of place and only the barest indications of motivations for your characters. </p>

Use dialogue! You wrote an entire story and no one spoke. You never described the setting. That is the difference between hearing a story second-hand and feeling like you were there. Don't tell us how your character felt, <i>show</i> us how he felt so we can understand why he did what he did.</p>

Hook up with a patient editor, RealDoc, and smooth out the rough spots and you could become a favorite. </p>

What next?

But you never wrote a story. Was the ROTC girl before, after, or during your marriage to a girl who was to immature to be married. Do you feel regret for having destroyed that girls life? You talked of her father dying, then her going back and her father blaming you, or did I read that wrong? There is no story here, just an unrelated list of things that happened or could have happened. Would be nicer if it was all in some sort of order. I dont usually attack writers mechanics but this is on the order of the sixth grader or possibly lower.

Where's the beef?

If your are going to play in a military senario, you need to have some vestiage of accuracy. No girls in ROTC in the very early fifties, heck there were none in the early 60s.

The student deferment (IIS) was given for students in college not the students in college ROTC. The same deferment would have run through medical school, by which time the Korean Conflict (1950-1953) would have been long over. The only real reason for ROTC would be a scholarship deal with the Army that would pay the way through medical school and accepting a commission in the Army Medical Corps.

The story is a reiteration of a trying time for 2 ill-equipped people being their own inefficient anchors.<P>

You are appreciated writer but try to see your way to an editor who will allow you to grow faster and sleep better. 4 eyes and 2 minds are way better than 2 & 1.<P>

It isn't a lessor person who asks for help to grow so please give it some thought.<P>

Writer - your efforts and time are appreciated as is the emotional theme of marital consequence - which in this case affected both spouses.<P>

With High Regard [in anticipation]

if was one and a half page rambling about paris hilton having a bad hair day at the local sheriff's office nonsense. why? because apparently by herself, in her big mansion, she didn't wake up on time before the squad car got outside, readdy to transport her downtown for some mug shots or sometihng.... total nonsesnse; no redeeming value of any kind... <p>

and, how the hell does some "ate" sex any way? you mean, swallowing bodily fluids? there are a whole bunch of other stupid mistakes like that; you can assume the writer meant some other words, but why do readers have to assume any thing about diction? <p>

"ate" for "hate", "decent" for "descent," etc. terrible!

not the best. No emotion just a retelling of several events. Show us more of what went on and why.

said her father wasalways with her,even though he died while you were in medical school.Then her parents meet her at the airport several years later,how did he return from the dead?

If daddy dear was dead, how come he was there again.<BR>

A really <B>stupid miatake</B> in such a short story

corrections. Such things as: "We sat nest to each..." Next to each other, come on, you used spell check and all that does is tell you the incorrectly used word is spelling correctly. And to use ate in place of hate. I ate her makes good sense but when you are talking of hate it doesnt work. The story has to many inccrrectly used syntax and content, it wasnt written by a doctor, maybe a DC but not an MD. The education required in most schools for a doctor would not permit one this poorly educated to graduate. Perhaps this was the medical school students from the US were rescued from in Grenada? The sex and life sounds more like what a preteen would view as sexual relations not an adult in college. All told I could have done without reading this.

If this was one of those artificial intelligence experiments to see if computers can write a story, then the experiment was a success. If written by a human then that person should be charged for trying to impersonate an author

if done within a year since becoming married. unfortunately some women take their time bringing up their major flaws!

talk about coal to Newcastle! TK U MLJ LV NV

Is this?????????

Magpies for ever! Geordies will understand

You don't need to publish outlines or story ideas. These are notes for the introduction to a story. What happened?

This was ch.1 of a new series called "How to say nothing with as few words as possible." I can't wait until ch. 2.

HA Ha ha

Doc I can see this vision, I come to see you for a belly ache and you tell me it's because I hate my Mother. Thank God you don't work for the VA.

It made plenty of sense to me - Hmmm

A story about introspection, love and relationships - and in the Non-Erotic section too. Damn how could that possibly happen, I mean really, there are never any - hmm I don't know - "How to -" type stories here! Are there?? WAIT shit yeah there are!!!

It was placed properly and said a lot in a short story - is it possible it could lead to more stories about a persons life and growth after this? Could be - I think I will read some more.

LOL

and very blue balls, TK U MLJ LV NV

Wish I could have given it less. That wasn't a story, it was an anecdote.

...of a good story. You should stick with it and develop the themes further.

sad and pointless.

Sad, sad 'story'

You have an annoying tendency to write bland stories wherein your lead male character discovers he's married to a shrew. He sees a lawyer, gets a divorce and moves on. Done and done. There's just nothing interesting about the stories. This one he sends the wife back to her parents. Others he leaves a wife that has been having an affair for a long time and nothing. No fireworks. No giant Courtroom battle. No consequences. Not even wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Boring..............

It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. . . not. Your main character is a self-centered boob. He's also a dumb ass for marrying a woman with severe emotional problems. My guess is that he would have become a better man if he had the balls to fight the Chicoms in Korea. But he didn't. He's a pussy. Oh, I have no doubts that you'll turn him into an ass-kicking, martial-arts hero someone down your story line, but I do not intend to read it.

Her father had been a member of a Neo-Nazi organisation since before she was born and that is why he had the beliefs he had.

Well affter our divorce her father introduced her to another member of the NN group and basically told her to get to know a real man for a change. After a while he proposed and even though she did not even like him she accepted to keep her father happy.

After they were married he became as controlling as her father had been and her life spiralled out of control.

How did we meet again well it was an interesting coincidence really. Over the years I had become one of the worlds foremost surgeons in my specialty and people from all over the workd came to me for a consultation and surgery. I had developed many experimental techniques for putting the human body back together and many had become mainstream surgical procedures.

Anyway about 5 years after her fathers death her husband had developed a bad need for surgery in an extremely sensitive part of his body. No not his genitals but close. His brain.

I had recently developed a surgical procedure which while very risky was guaranteed too work. Unfortunately one of the side effects of this procedure is a complet loss of any aggressive tendencies the person possessed before.

So instead of being sentenced to term of natural life he agreed to this surgery believing he would still be the same afterwards.

Sharon was abitt apprehensive at first and wanted to know the odds of the surgery not working. She told me she was sick of being a punching bag and his belittling her all the time.

I convinced her that all would be good after the surgery.

I performed the surgery and after he recovered he was a different person all together. He was extremely placid. He still had to serve 5 years in jail but he was kept in isolation. During this time Sharon finally got the councelling she needed and became a decent strong confident person.

She mentioned she would like for us to keep in contact and maybe rekindle our relationship. I said I doubted my wife and kids would like that but said maybe we could still talk occassionally. She liked that idea.

We see each other about twice a year when I review her husbands progress.

Silly. Not enough money to see a doctor, even though he's a resident, yet they can spring for plane tickets and he wants her to try therapy. MASH unit in Vietnam? How about Divisional Medical, one of the scores of named hospitals or an Evac Hospital?

So you met my wife.

I could relate to being married to a woman like that. I believe it is a mental illness that we macho guys cannot fix.