Afraid of What Exactly?

"Of course! I wouldn't have ordered take-away if I'd know you were going on break though."

"So, um, Saturday..."

"Yeah, Charlotte mentioned it."

"I don't want you to feel obliged or anything just because Charlotte wants it."

"Are you talking about the barbecue or something else?" We had sat down on a bench just down from the shop.

"Both I suppose. I mean, I've found myself thinking about you a lot recently," I looked over to see Raf smiling, his eyes shining, "And I'll admit I'm more than a little scared."

"I suppose I'm scared too, but to me it's a happy scared, not a frightening scared or monsters or Halloween scared!"

I hadn't thought of it like this. I had been focussing on things that might go wrong and not on the something amazing Charlotte had talked about to me.

"I've never really had a boyfriend. I mean Davo, Poppy's dad was technically my boyfriend but all he ever wanted to do was have sex and we never talked or went to movies or dated or anything. I just don't know what to do and I still worry... Raf, how old are you?"

"Does it matter?"

"I don't know. I mean Charlotte must be at least 33..."

"She's 35, but you didn't hear that from me!"

"See, even Charlotte's 11 years older than me."

"I just turned 39."

Raf just sat there and sipped his coffee. He did not look almost 40. I thought back to Charlotte's words about my maturity. Nance had often praised me for my outlook on things. I knew she was enraged with some of the younger staff members who thought nothing of going out drinking then calling in sick. She had told me how pleased she was that I was so reliable.

"Do you want to have dinner with Poppy and me tonight? I'm just making pasta."

"Really?" Raf looked so surprised.

"I mean, if you don't want to..."

"No, I want to, I really want to. Can I, um, bring anything?"

"Just yourself."

"I, um, well, I mean the teaching year has all but finished. I've got some marking and I'm seeing a student at 3. I mean, is like, 4 too early?"

"Not at all! I, um, should get back. Do you want another coffee?"

"Um, no, well yes I would, but I have to get going."

"I didn't mean to hold you up, you should have said something."

"No, I'd rather spend time with you than mark essays!"

"I have to get back to it anyway too before Simon sends out a search party."

"Until this evening then." Raf was again smiling and to my surprise, I was too.

"Sorry if I took too long," I said as I washed my hands having walked back inside.

"Not at all- you've still got a few minutes, you're always back early, unlike Chrissy here..." Simon's voice showed he was joking.

"You go, Simon, Sam and I will handle the machine."

Simon pulled two espressos, one for Nance, and walked back into the kitchen where he usually spent his breaks.

"Sam!" Chrissy was obviously excited, "Are you seeing Rafferty Montgomery?"

"Um, we're friends. His niece is best friends with Poppy."

"I mean, he is just the best lecturer! All the girls fancy him, he's like so worldly and sophisticated!"

"Well I don't know what he'd see in me then." I wiped down the bench in front of the machine.

"He's reserved though. I mean, my friend, Alice, she almost failed his class last semester because she never does any work, anyway, she went to him and basically threw herself at him and he, well, he told her he'd get in trouble and, well, actually, I don't know if they did it, but Alice ended up passing anyway..."

Chrissy went and took a customer's order and I thought about Charlotte telling me Raf liked younger women and what an ideal place a university classroom full of undergraduate students would be for him. I found myself feeling uneasy. Raf struck me as being as shy as I was and yet I wondered if he had a secret side giving out marks to students for sexual favours.

"Raf's joining us for dinner." I told Poppy as we walked home from school.

"And Gemma and Charlotte?"

"No, just Raf," I could see Poppy was confused, "You know he's Gemma's uncle, not her dad?"

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"Well he's a friend who I like spending time with I suppose."

Poppy accepted my explanation. I was glad I hadn't bumped into Charlotte at pick-up. Chrissy's words had shaken me at work and Charlotte had been so open about her fuck buddy as she called it and I wondered about Raf and his penchant for younger women.

"Raf's here, Raf's here, Raf's here!" Poppy chanted as she opened the door for him.

"Hey Poppy, how was your day?"

"Good thanks, so, are you and Mummy getting married?"

"Oh my gosh, Poppy!" I exclaimed horrified as Raf stood in the doorway, "I'm sorry Raf, Poppy usually has better manners than this."

"But I just asked."

"How are your spelling words coming on, Poppy?"

"I could help with them if you like?" Raf explained.

I had magnetic letters and a whiteboard out and Poppy and I had been practicing her words.

"This is an excellent setup Poppy," Raf looked at me with an almost surprised look on his face.

"I saw it on a TV program and Poppy loves making words from the letters."

"Seriously, Sam, I'm impressed!"

"It doesn't seem to take much!"

"You'd be surprised!"

"Look Mummy! If I take away the 'S' and add the 'F' I get 'found.'"

"What do you get if you use a 'R' for Raf?" Raf asked.

"Round! And If I use 'P' for Poppy, I get pound!"

"You've already done an 'S' for Sam, what else can you come up with?" Raf asked.

Poppy looked at the letters and switched the 'P' for a 'M'.

"Look, Raf! Mound using 'M' for Mummy!"

I left Raf and Poppy playing with the letters and started clearing away my jewellery making supplies that took up half the kitchen table. Raf looked like he was enjoying being in teacher mode again. Poppy was writing the list of words they came up with in her homework book and Raf was encouraging her.

"Mummy, can we go to the park now?"

We usually went on the way home from school, but I was unsure what time Raf might arrive so rushed home and told Poppy we might be able to go after she had finished her homework. We lived in a rundown area of town, but the council had seen fit to install a large playground in a local park to encourage residents to spend time outdoors. Poppy loved climbing on everything and it helped expend energy.

"Were your ears burning after you left this morning?"

"Chrissy?"

"Yeah. She thinks you're hot apparently! I told her I'd tell her boyfriend."

"I didn't know your last name is Montgomery, I mean it sounds awfully posh. But then again, I thought you were probably Rafael, not Rafferty too. I mean, Poppy and I are just boring old Smiths!"

"There's nothing boring about you, Sam."

"Chrissy mentioned a friend of hers, Alice, I think?"

"Ah! Miss Sinclair. What did Chrissy say about her friend?"

"Just that she was failing your class, but she passed after she threw herself at you."

"That's not at all what happened," Raf looked beet red, "She, um, was asked to come and see me after her first essay was barely at a pass grade, like all students who found themselves in that position. She, well, I made sure I kept my office door open like I do when I see all students by themselves and she definitely dressed, um, provocatively, but, I can assure you I've never slept with a student and I would never give out grades based on anything other than academic performance."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, don't be. I know it's one of the preconceptions out there, not helped by popular literature and films and even porn if you want to go that far, but, no, Alice Sinclair did not suggest anything and I explained where she had gone wrong and what she could do to prepare for the exam and she ended up scraping by with a pass."

"You're not into teacher-student porn then?"

"Um, no! I, um, I'm into more natural looking women and besides, I'm more of a descriptive type person so I prefer erotic stories to sex on film."

"You don't, um, have an, um, arrangement like Charlotte then?"

"Arrangement? Oh! She told you about Jeff?"

"She didn't mention his name, just that they caught up from time to time."

"No. That may suit her, but I've never done casual things. I, um, prefer to feel a connection with someone."

I sat and pondered Raf's words. I desperately wanted to ask Raf if he felt a connection with me as I knew I was enjoying spending time with him. I desperately wanted to reach out and place my hand on his, but I was too scared. We simply looked at each other and smiled.

"I'd, um, better get Poppy, it's getting late."

For dinner I made spaghetti carbonara, or as Poppy called it Bacon and Egg spaghetti. Raf could not stop telling me how amazing it was, and I insisted he take a left-over container for his lunch the following day.

"Can you read me a story?" Poppy asked Raf after her shower.

"Of course! I'd love to."

I tidied the kitchen and went looking for Raf after half an hour. He was sitting on the floor next to Poppy's bed with her favourite storybook in his lap, but they were deep in conversation.

"So, does that explain things, Pops?"

"Goodnight, Raf. You and Mummy can go and do your kissy kissy now!"

"Poppy!" I exclaimed.

"It's all good! Like I explained, Poppy, I like your Mum an awful lot, but we don't know each other very well, so now we are going to go and talk some more, and I'll get to know your mum a little better."

Poppy leant over and threw her arms around Raf's neck and pulled him in for a hug.

"Let me help you up," I held out my hand to help Raf up from the floor, "Goodnight Popster, sweet dreams."

"Night Mum, night Raf."

"Tea? I, um, don't have any coffee, sorry."

"Yes, that would be, um, lovely."

I poured us both a peppermint tea and joined Raf on my sofa.

"She's a smart one, your Poppy."

"Too smart at times. I'm sorry, she asked me when I told her you were coming over if you were my boyfriend and I told her that you were a friend and I was getting to know you better."

"That's funny, because I told her very similar. She basically asked me again if I was going to be her daddy."

"Oh my! I'm sorry, I, um, she's never really talked about her dad before. I mean I just told her he was very young and not ready to be a dad and that he chose to not be part of our lives. I, um, wouldn't know where to look for him to be honest these days and I, um, well I don't really want him to be part of our lives."

"She knows I'm not her dad, I mean, she had more questions about Gemma and Cody..."

"I told her you were their uncle!"

"Does Poppy have an uncle?"

"No."

"Yeah, I explained that Charlotte is my sister and Cody and Gemma are my nephew and niece. Charlotte told me she loved that Gemma had made a friend who never assumed there was a father on the scene, but I can see how she would have thought I was their father!"

"Well I did at first!"

"Yeah," Raf said with a smile, "You did!"

"Sam, I'll be honest with you, I'm either all in or not in at all. Um, Michelle was my second girlfriend. Peta was my first. I was all in, but she wasn't, and she broke my heart. I, um, I find myself so drawn to you. You are smart, you are so caring, and you are gorgeous! I, um, well, would it be ok, if I, um, well if we perhaps listened to Poppy and, um, tried the, um, kissy, kissy."

I started giggling and looked over at Raf trying to read his expression. I reached out and took his hand in mine, but the laughter continued. It was contagious and soon Raf was giggling too.

"You may be almost 40, but 'kissy, kissy' is something I would expect a primary school kid to come out with!" I sat and stroked Raf's hand in mine. His fingers were exquisite, long and thin and his hands much larger than mine.

"I like you touching me."

"I wanted to grab your hand at the park, but I was scared."

"I'm scared too, but I'd like to see where this might go because I know you are really special and I'm enjoying getting to know you."

Raf used the hand I was not holding and tilted my chin towards his. He leant in and our lips met. I had never felt anything so electric.

"Wow!" I let go of Raf's hand and touched my lips with my fingers to check they were still there. I then leant in again for another kiss. This time I wrapped one hand around his neck drawing him closer to me, the other again reaching for his hand, our fingers entwining.

"I'm just getting a glass of water." Poppy walked past us sitting on the couch and both of us saw our cheeks flush with embarrassment.

I saw Poppy back to bed and returned to the couch to see Raf still smiling.

"Poppy seems cool with me being around, that's a plus!"

"Considering we both find my stepfather creepy, that's definitely a plus!"

"He's never tried anything, with, um, you or, heaven forbid, Poppy?" Raf looked concerned.

"He tried flirting with me, and I told him that if he ever tried anything, I'd slice off his cock with a blunt kitchen knife if I could find it. Mum played it off as him being friendly, but it was much more creepy than friendly. I'm glad they sailed off together to be honest."

"Um, as much as I don't like involving my sister in things, I was, um, wondering if perhaps we might have dinner and see a movie on Friday night, like a date. I'm sure she'd look after Poppy."

"I could see if Simon and Nance could look after her if you like and we could keep Charlotte out of this?"

"Do you think they would?"

"We'd probably have to skip the movie because they open the shop early on Saturday, but we could definitely do dinner and then maybe a DVD here? I don't have the internet at home, but if we were desperate, we could watch a movie on my phone!"

"I've actually got a rather large DVD collection- I prefer hard copies to digital."

"Must be your age!" I tried to joke hoping Raf would see the humour in my comment.

"I think I put my foot in it the other night saying something about age, but I will say I am enjoying kissing you!"

"Did you tell Charlotte you were coming here for dinner?"

"No, I told her I had a work thing. I know she means well, but she can be very suffocating at times. She got the extrovert qualities and I'm so much more of an introvert."

"Me too. Don't get me wrong, I like Charlotte a lot, but she can be a little overbearing."

"A little! That's the understatement of the century! I need to let you get some sleep; you'll be up early no doubt."

"Yeah, but I also don't want this evening to end. I, um, I'm feeling a connection. Just thought I'd let you know."

"Me too, me too." And Raf pulled me in for another kiss.

As I lay in bed my mind drifted to the kisses Raf and I had shared. Davo had always been a sloppy kisser believing unless his tongue was halfway down my throat, he wasn't doing it right. Raf and I had not used our tongues, but simply focussed on each other's lips. The sensation of his lips had sent tingles throughout my body. I noticed my nipples hardening and could feel tingles between my legs.

I knew women masturbated. That had been covered in sex-ed at school and I had paid attention. Despite not paying attention to the curriculum that covered contraception, I was still glad I was Poppy's mum and would not have had things any other way. I felt my breasts under my nightie and wondered what Raf's lips on them would feel like. His kisses were so tender I could only imagine he would be sensitive in other areas too.

My hand found its way between my legs and I was surprised by the moisture I found there. I stuck a finger inside myself and wondered what Raf's cock was like. I found my clit and started circling it with my fingers. I could feel my arousal building and before too long I was moaning as my pussy spasmed and endorphins filled my body.

"Raf said he's fine for Saturday. I gave him your number; I hope you don't mind." Charlotte again had dropped Poppy at school.

"He hasn't called."

"I'll have a word with him!"

"No, don't. Leave him be. He'll work things out."

"There's something to work out then is there?"

"Maybe. I mean, he's so good looking I'd be crazy not to see, wouldn't I?" I wanted to tell the world what an amazing kisser he was too, but Charlotte was definitely the last person who needed to know that.

I had wondered if Poppy had said anything about Raf joining us for dinner last night. I had thought of asking her not to talk about it but did not want to put her in that position. She had not mentioned Raf over breakfast or on the way to the shop, but she had been in a particularly good mood.

"Um, Nance," I had poked my head into the kitchen during a lull in trade, "I was wondering, if, um, perhaps, well, tomorrow night, Raf wants to take me to dinner and could you or, like, Simon, perhaps, well, look after Poppy? We won't be late, I promise."

"Of course, Chook! We'll bring over a pizza and you know how much Simon and I enjoy spending time with Poppy."

Walking to school to collect Poppy I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Raf had sent me a message checking we were still on for Friday night and suggesting that he would be happy with another family dinner if I could not find a sitter for Poppy.

'All good- Nance jumped at the opportunity and told me I needn't rush home! Um, do I need to dress up or anything?'

'I know you like pasta, but have you tried the Balinese restaurant on the main street? I'll be coming straight from work and I wouldn't care what you wore as long as we spent time together.'

At work I never wore makeup, but on Friday evening I stood in the bathroom and applied some mascara and lip gloss. I had a smart navy dress that finished just above my knees and wore some dangly earrings I had made. Instead of my usual ponytail I tied my hair up in a bun. Slipping on my black strappy heels I looked at myself in the mirror. I had hoped I had not gone over the top, but I also wanted Raf to know I had made an effort.

"Wow, Mummy you look beautiful!" Poppy placed the slice of pizza she was eating on her plate and looked at me as if she had never seen me like this before.

"Gorgeous, Chook, just gorgeous!" Simon had placed his hand on Nance's and they both smiled at me.

"It's not too much?"

"Not at all," Nance replied with a tear in her eye.

I took a breath before opening the door once Raf knocked.

"Wow!" Raf stood there and handed me a bunch of flowers, "How lucky am I to be spending time in your company tonight!"

"I'll take them and find a vase," Nance took the flowers from me and handed me my purse, "Now you two have fun and don't hurry home on our account!"

"Goodnight Poppy, be good for Simon and Nance, ok?"

Poppy grinned as I kissed her head and Raf and I left for the restaurant.

"None of my neighbours have given you grief?" I asked Raf as we stepped into the car and remembered Jacko's comments from his first visit.

"Not at all! I, um, wow! I'm still blown away by how beautiful you look tonight, I mean, not that you don't always look amazing, but, wow!"

"It's not too much?"

"Not at all! I honestly feel like the most fortunate man knowing I've got you by my side this evening."

Raf opened the car door for me and I saw him smiling, biting his bottom lip as he walked around the get in the driver's side. His happiness was contagious. I felt a calmness in his presence and despite our silence on the drive to the restaurant, I never felt uneasy.

We were seated opposite each other at a cosy table in the corner of the restaurant. Raf recommended the whole menu and suggested we order the banquet menu and taste bits of everything.

"Poppy and I don't eat out a lot," I explained to Raf as we waited for our first course.

"You've shown a lot of strength, you know, I mean, raising Poppy by yourself and working and everything. What do you do to relax?"

I explained my jewellery making to Raf, how I enjoyed repurposing items I found in second-hand shops and creating unique pieces. Raf was amazed that I had created the earrings I wore and asked me if I sold my work.