Afraid of What Exactly?

"Nance got me to make Halloween earrings for the staff a few weeks back. I enjoy it, but I wouldn't know the first thing about setting up a business or anything. Plus, I enjoy coffee too and like working with Simon and Nance."

Raf explained that he loved movies and hiking.

"Some old films like The African Queen, I mean, I've seen it so many times, but it still entertains me, I think I'm a romantic at heart."

"I've never seen it."

"I've got a copy with me in the car, along with several others I thought we might choose from later."

Dinner was delicious. Our conversation flowed freely, and any hint of shyness was hidden by smiles and laughter. Raf held my hand as we walked back to his car and it felt so natural.

"I see ya got Daddy here again, little Sammy! He must be paying good money for ya!" Jacko was outside again when we returned to my flat and I could sense Raf getting angry.

"Jacko, he's my boyfriend and not everyone around here pays for sex."

"Jesus, man! Ya better watch this one, she can be a firecracker at times!"

"Shut it, Jacko. I'm happy to stand up for myself. I don't need a man to do that for me. I'm just lucky I've found someone who is absolutely amazing and rocks my world. I hope one day you might find the same pleasure." And with that I grabbed Raf's hand and headed for my door.

"I'm sorry," unlocking my door I knew my face had turned red and I was unsure what had come over me, "that was a bit, um..."

"That was assertive and called for- the guy's a prick!"

Simon and Nance sat on the couch looking at me shocked. I explained about Jacko's comments and my response.

"We've told you, Chook, the sooner you can get a private rental the better."

"I know, and I am saving. I was hoping by Christmas, but, well, who knows. I mean, who'd want to take someone like me on?"

"Me!" Raf Said again taking my hand in his.

"OK, Chook, Raf, Poppy's asleep and Simon has to open early tomorrow so we'll get going and leave you two to it! How was dinner by the way?"

"It was lovely!" I gazed into Raf's eyes.

"It was indeed, I mean, the company was pretty magical!"

"Yep, the two of us will be off now!" Simon added.

I tried to explain they didn't need to, but they insisted leaving Raf and I alone in my living area.

"Tea?" I asked as we stood holding each other's hands

"Sounds good! Movie?"

"That sounds nice. What was the African Princess one you mentioned?"

"The African Queen! It's in my car, I'll just pop out and grab it, I promise I won't be long!"

I made the tea and Raf was back before the kettle had boiled. He came and stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning his chin on my shoulder. We didn't talk, but the intimacy was beautiful. Raf insisted on carrying our teas to the lounge and inserted the DVD in my machine. It was a lovely movie, made all the better snuggling up to Raf as we watched it.

"What did you think?" Raf asked me after the credits had rolled.

"It was beautiful, I mean, opposites attracting and all that."

"Yeah, the book's more salacious..."

"You mean..."

"It describes them consummating their relationship before marriage- it was pretty scandalous at the time and when they made the film it was merely hinted at to appease the pearl clutchers!"

"Is this where we start talking about consummating things?"

"Um, wow, well, um..."

"I mean, if you don't want to, I, um, understand."

"No, definitely not that, I mean, um, I so want to and I'd even go as far as admitting I have dreamt about what it might be like, but, um, well, I don't want to rush you into things."

"I'm like so inexperienced though..."

"I've only had two partners myself!"

"Yeah, but you were like, in love with them, weren't you?"

"Michelle definitely. Peta, I'm not so sure about, but at the time I thought I was."

I desperately wanted to ask Raf what he thought of me, but my nerves got the better of me.

"'I'm, um, well I'm scared I won't live up to Michelle."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, I'm scared I won't make you as happy as she did."

"I can tell you already how happy I am spending a glorious evening with you. It's, well, it's not a competition. Michelle wasn't perfect, she had things that annoyed me, but I was able to see past them. I'm sure you'll find things about me that irritate you as we get to know each other more."

"But what about when you find out how bad I am in bed?"

"Says who?"

"Says me. I mean, I don't know. It was never any good with Davo, but I do get that I was young."

"The way you tore into Jacko this evening, I can imagine you taking control in bed when we get to know each other better and I won't complain!"

"You seem convinced we have legs."

"We do! And hands, and fingers, and lips..."

Raf leant in and kissed me. The electricity was still there. This time however, I opened my mouth and let my tongue explore his. I threw my leg over his and felt his excitement rubbing against my crotch. I had never felt so excited in my life. Raf ran his hands up and down my back and I ground myself against him. I was shocked when my orgasm hit me. It was not something I expected.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." I pulled away from Raf in embarrassment.

"Don't be! That was magical. I, um, have no concerns about not being able to please you!"

"But what about me pleasing you?"

"I have no concerns there either! You turn me on so much."

"I, um, well, I'd, um, take you to my room now, but Poppy still usually comes in sometime during the night and, well..."

"No, you are right, tonight is not the night. However, I'm sure we'll find time soon enough, even if means asking Charlotte to mind Poppy. Hey, changing the subject somewhat, how serious were you when you told Nance and Simon you are wanting to move?"

"Like 100%. I hate it here. Poppy wants a dog and I want to grow veggies and run chickens and have some more space. I've done up a budget, and we can probably afford a 2-bedroom house down the road. It's still this area, but it will be away from prying neighbours."

"Now, I know you don't need saving and you are more than capable of raising Poppy on your own, but, well, after Michelle and Michael died I sold our home and bought an investment property around the corner from Charlotte's. I've had tenants in there, a nurse and her partner, but they're moving in January. Would you like to look at it sometime?"

"We can't afford that side of town, it's an extra $100 per week."

"I hear the landlord can be quite generous..."

"Can I think about it? I don't want charity."

"The thought of having you living 5 houses away is pretty exciting to me!"

"I'll think about it."

"I should get going," Raf kissed me again, this time so gentle and caring, "I'll tell Charlotte I'm collecting you in the morning for the picnic- want me to grab the sausages?"

"I grabbed them today already. I'll just grab some bread in the morning."

"I can't wait to grab you in the morning!"

"Steady, tiger!"

In our wonderful dinner and movie and heavy make-out session, all doubts I had about Raf's age seemed to disappear. At no stage did he act like he wanted to parent me, in fact, quite the opposite. He treated me as an equal and sought my opinion on things. As I lay in bed, I wished Raf was lying there with me. He brought out feelings in me I had never experienced, and they were feelings I could get very used to.

'One of these days I'll grow a backbone and stand up to myself, but Charlotte is insisting on picking you up. I'm sorry- hard to argue with her without letting on about us.'

I liked the way Raf referred to 'us.'

'All good. I think she'll realise when I kiss you as soon as I see you!'

'Looking forward to it :)'

'See you at the shops at 11, ok?' the message came through from Charlotte shortly after.

"Has Raf called you?" Charlotte asked as we pulled away from the shops.

"We've spoken a bit, why?"

"I just offered to look after Poppy for you and he didn't seem that interested. I'm sorry. I thought he liked you."

"You know if you can take Poppy Friday night, Simon and Nance are having a Friday the 13th party at the shop to celebrate the end of Halloween, even if it is a made up ending celebration and it would be nice to be there without Poppy."

"Done!"

It was a gorgeous Spring day at the Lake. Raf had found a picnic spot near some barbecues with a table in the shade and laid out a picnic rug nearby. Cody and his friend, Nico were kicking a football to each other.

"Good morning!" I walked up to Raf and kissed him on the lips.

"Mm... a very good morning indeed. How did you sleep?"

"Not bad, you?"

"Um, excuse me, but, what have I missed?" Charlotte looked confused.

"They were both kissy, kissy the other night!" Poppy chimed in heading to Raf and giving him a hug.

"Your Mum's a very good kisser, Poppy!" Raf joked much to my embarrassment.

"So, work the other night and last night?" Charlotte still looked confused.

"No, I spent the evenings with Sam getting to know her better without interference."

"Are you inferring...?" Charlotte was getting angry.

"That you can be controlling and demanding? You bet!"

"Well, yeah, ok, maybe I can be, but..."

"No buts! We were hoping though, at some stage, perhaps..."

"Poppy, you want to have a sleepover at Gemma's on Friday night?" I chimed in.

Gemma and Poppy went to play on the nearby playground equipment.

"I still can hardly believe it! You sneaky buggers! But I am thrilled for you both! So last night, hey!" Charlotte had a wink in her voice.

"Last night we went to the Balinese place on Main St and then watched The African Queen at mine. Then Raf went home."

"Boring! I'm meant to be seeing Jeff tonight, but I can put him off if you want me to look after Poppy..."

"No, you go spend time with Jeff. Sam, want to help me look after the kids?"

"Sounds good!"

After our sausages we packed up our gear and went for a walk around the Lake. Raf held my hand, except when Gemma or Poppy wanted to stand between us and be swung in the air. Everything felt so comfortable. Raf and I snuck kisses along the way much to Gemma and Poppy's delight.

I was amazed when Raf stood up to Charlotte and insisted on driving the girls and me back to their place so she could take Cody and Nico to Nico's where Cody was having a sleepover.

"It will give us a few minutes alone!" Raf confided as we drove out of the carpark, "She has dinner usually then goes for a couple of hours, but we'll have some more alone time then if we can get the girls to settle in front of a movie or something!"

Charlotte was about half an hour behind us and found Raf and I sitting on the couch sharing a pot of tea.

"Um, Jeff and I are going to grab a bite to eat this evening, so I'll be out of here by 6. Are you right to cook, Raf I got out some chicken this morning?"

"All good, but, um, I didn't realise you and Jeff--"

"It's just dinner!" It was Charlotte's turn to be defensive.

Raf was at home in the kitchen and prepared a delicious stir fry with noodles. Both Poppy and Gemma went back for seconds. Raf suggested Poppy borrow a pair of Gemma's pyjamas and the girls get ready for bed so I just had to put Poppy in bed when he dropped us off. Poppy pleaded with us for a sleepover, and I reminded her she was sleeping over the following Friday. As a compromise, Raf set up the trundle bed in Gemma's room and we told Poppy we would carry her out when we were leaving.

Flicking through Raf's extensive DVD collection I came across so many films I had never seen.

"I think I saw one of the Harry Potter films on telly, but I think I had missed the first one and not a lot made sense."

"Have you read the books?"

"I, um, think I borrowed it from the library, but, I'm, well, not much of a reader."

"I can lend you a copy if you like, I mean, no pressure."

"I'm guessing you read a lot, I mean you're so smart and all."

"Yeah, I like to read."

"How about you grab your book and grab me Harry one and we can sit here and read together then?"

"OK! You don't know how sexy that sounds to me!"

I smiled and Raf returned quickly with both books. It was an extremely comfortable couch and I lay with my head in Raf's lap and started the book. Soon I was hooked. It was close to midnight and I had read several chapters already. Raf had dozed off, his book left open on the arm of the couch. I rose, placed the bookmark appropriately and put both books on the coffee table. Snuggling back into Raf's lap, I decided I might shut my eyes before Charlotte returned and Raf took Poppy and me home.

Daylight was streaming through the windows when I woke, still snuggled with Raf. I raced to the bathroom and checked the girls were still asleep.

"Raf," I shook his shoulder and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Raf, it's morning. Where's Charlotte?"

"Huh? What?"

"It's 6:30. I don't think Charlotte came home."

Raf pulled his phone out of his pocket and noted it was flat. He plugged it in, and we waited for it to turn on. There was a message from Charlotte sent just after 11 apologising and telling us she would explain in the morning, but she would be home after 8 and would bring coffee.

"Bloody meddling. She probably thinks I would have taken you straight to my bed. I would have slept on the couch, you know."

"We did!"

"I'm a bit stiff!"

"Yeah, me too!"

The girls woke and we were surrounded by the joy that they had actually had a sleepover.

"Where's Mummy?"

"She's out getting coffee. I'm going to make pancakes!"

"Did Sam have a sleepover too?"

"I fell asleep reading, Gem, and slept on the couch!"

Pancake production was in full swing when Charlotte walked in.

"I'm so sorry. Last night wasn't planned, I promise, and I know I put you and Poppy in a weird situation. Honestly, I'm sorry."

I had never seen Charlotte like this. She wore no make-up, yet she had stopped to pick us up coffee on the way.

"Don't stress, Char, Sam and I fell asleep reading on the couch anyway. But what gives?"

"Um, well Jeff messaged me Friday suggesting we grab dinner and then over dinner he tells me that he's developing feelings for me and I thought I'd freak, but instead I realised that I was developing feelings for him too. So, we talked and talked and talked some more and I figured I'd message you even though it was late. I'm sorry."

"His phone was dead, but, hey, I'm glad for you!" I genuinely was glad for my friend. She was not as brash as she usually was an exuded a vulnerability that I had not seen before.

"We thought tomorrow night Jeff might have dinner with us. Sam, I'd love it if you could join us too, with Poppy of course."

"You do like him!" Raf was beaming and also seemed so happy for his sister, "I'll work from home and cook for us."

After breakfast, Raf drove Poppy and me home with Gemma tagging along. I was desperate for a shower and Raf suggested he take the girls to the playground and I could meet them there. It was nice having time to myself. In the space of a week I had gone from meeting Raf to spending extended time with him and enjoying myself in his presence. As the water washed over me in the shower, I thought about how comfortable I was lying on the couch reading next to him the previous evening and how calm I felt waking up in his presence that morning.

Any concerns I had had about our age gap were lessening too. Raf didn't treat me as a child, but clearly as an equal. He didn't talk down to me or criticise me like others had done in the past. Of course, his kisses excited me more than any had done previously in my life too. I made my way over to the playground and sat next to Raf as he watched the girls play.

"Mm... you smell nice, like fresh apples." Raf said as he kissed my head.

"It's just my shampoo. I feel much more human after the shower though. Thanks for watching the girls."

"No problem! So, Charlotte, hey?"

"Yeah. I mean, good on her."

"Definitely. I suppose I'm just a little overprotective of her, that's all. I hope Jeff's a nice bloke, but she has a bit of a track record of picking less than desirable men."

"She said things with Paul were on the rocks before, well, you know."

"Yeah, before he fucked up installing a gas heater. Paul wasn't a bad man, but he'd never stand up to Charlotte. She never even discussed a third child with him so it's not surprising he was angry about it. She was quite young when they got married."

"Only slightly younger than me."

"True, I suppose, but I don't know, you seem much more mature than she was at that age. I suppose being a Mum from a young age saw to that."

"See, you can say that, but I don't feel it. I mean, I'm shit scared about jumping into a relationship with you and having not only my heart broken, but Poppy's too."

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Raf spoke again.

"I don't see myself breaking your heart. Um, you're pretty special to me already and the last thing I would want to do was hurt either you or Poppy. If you want to slow things down a little I'd understand though, even if it might make me unhappy."

"I'm not sure. I mean, I was thinking in the shower how comfortable and nice it was last night and how happy and calm I was waking up next to you this morning. I suppose part of my fear comes from wondering how you'll react when you find out how bad I am in bed."

"Yes, we may find that we aren't sexually compatible. I hear that does happen, but--"

"And what then?"

"But... As I was saying, I'm pretty attracted to you and I suppose when you feel ready, I'd like to perhaps, well, explore the possibility that we might actually be sexually compatible too."

I sat there and noticed the heat that was rushing over my body. I could feel my nipples were hard and pushing against my bra and shirt and I could tell I was moist between my legs.

"You do turn me on, you know. I mean, just being in your presence makes me feel all light and, well, hot I suppose!"

"Well you may have noticed I have crossed my legs to try and hide my arousal!"

Sitting next to Raf, I reached for his hand and we sat there, both of us with red cheeks and cheesy grins on our faces.

"So, um, Friday night, Simon and Nance are having a party at work because it's Friday the 13th and they are trying to extend the Halloween celebrations a little. Usually I take Poppy along for a few minutes and then make our excuses, but I mean, Charlotte's already agreed to look after Poppy and all..."

"You didn't finish what you were going to ask me!"

"Well, would you like to have a sleepover at mine?"

"Yeah, I think I'd really like that!" Raf smiled and leant across and kissed me tenderly on the lips.

Dinner with Jeff was an eye opener. Jeff was every bit as outgoing as Charlotte was. He worked as an engineer and told us all about his current project. He also had a way of getting both Raf and I to open up. Raf told him about his PhD thesis on grief in primary school aged children and Jeff asked all sorts of insightful questions. Jeff claimed he had visited The Dark Room however I did not remember him, and yet he wanted to learn more about coffee.

"Charlotte was saying you had a child in Cody's class," I ventured as we cleared the table after diner.

"Yes, Cassandra, or Cass as she prefers, is in Cody's class. William was in Grace's class."

"Here, let me--" Charlotte tried to interrupt.

"No, Char, I'm more than capable of helping. I don't expect to sit back and just be a guest."

Raf drove Poppy and me home and came in for a cup of tea.

"I like Jeff. Did you hear how he wouldn't let Charlotte boss him around when we were clearing up?"

"Yeah, I did, and she took it very well I thought. They're cute together."

"Cute is not the word I would use to describe my sister!"