All Comments on 'Cruising with Lesbian Sister and Mad Mom Pt. 01'

The "Who's On First" skit was Abbott and Costello, not Laurel and Hardy.

hope to read pt 2 soon. thank you

Looking forward to the next chapter. 5* Keep up the good work and thanks for your time and efforts.

Not a bad start, for me just okay. The "I'm a park ranger" bit is getting old already and you're just in chapter 1 of ?? . Who knew a park ranger was Conor McGregor, Obama, and Dirty Harry all rolled into one. The one really funny bit that stuck out was the sister saying she was much shorter but rested her chin on his shoulder. WTF

I want so much more.

A perfect ending would have all 4 moving to his cabin. At least Sara and his sister moving in together and Mom changing her life style.

John is an amazing man.

Hope this continues soon.

Good story so far, I like the bigger than life character of the brother, makes this a fun but sexy story. Looking forward to the rest.

P.S. It wasn't' Laurel and Hardy doing the baseball bit, it was Abbott and Costello.

Great start and very well written. Please do keep writing...

OK so John is practically perfect in every way, got it.

Getting past the implausibility of John, we move onto the implausibility of his new relationship with mum and sis. To be honest a little more hesitancy from both would have been better, but hey, it was hot and looking forward to Ch2.

Please don't spend 1/2 of it reintroducing the characters.

Use salt to smother a fire. Flour dust (particularly mixed with air) is very flamable. Burning bakeries are known to explode.

Story has potential, if they get emotional.

Good so far. Keep at it.

You need to correct that it was Abbott and Costello not Laral and Hardy

End of chapter, and no incest. 3 stars 😕

in page one,mom has 38d chest and long blonde hair,

in page three,mom has 38c chest and short deep brown hair.

one star.

5 stars. The naysayers are pretty dumb in my book - really a 38 c to a 38d? Who knows the difference!!? I think it’s a great read. Can’t wait for the next chapter.

As I tried, and failed, to read the whole of this chapter - I found myself laughing repeatedly at the terrible and really unrealized story that was written here. The character personalities shift way off, from a lesbian debauchery hating mother who gets off suddenly on a female masseuse touching her, the leap is so problematic and unexplained that it just seems comical. Features seem to change randomly as well. There's even a note at the beginning how someone supposedly proofread and edited this for the writer. Have to one star.

Omg so fucking sucking hot, love it, more and more of this please and soon, like yesterday. John the the lucky fucker all that hot hot cunt to suck and fuck. I adore Cunt eating and fucking, drinking the cunny juice and getting drunk on it, wonderful the more I get the more I want. Cunt lapping sex maniac UK.

The skit Capt Jim and John performed at dinner, "Who's on First?" was originally done by Abbott and Costello, not Laurel and Hardy. Sorry to be so picky.

Is John a Cyborg, because he has the emotional range of a toaster.

I actually really like the story, but hate when the title indicates a different perspective than from what the story is actually told in. If the story is told from the sister's perspective, shouldn't be called Hetero Brother and Mad Mom?

I know it’s a minor point but I dislike lazy writing. If you are going to write about a Kodiak bear attack at least know that Kodiak bears do not exist in Colorado. They are from a island chain in Alaska. They range no where near where the hero works and lives.

This story makes no sense at all...I hate not finishing a story once I start it but by page 4 of pt3 I couldn’t even force myself to continue

Your stories have good, sexy story lines - but lack deftness. I have a problem with the dialogue. The protagonists are robotic. Could say more but good story lines. You don’t need to hit the reader over the head so much.

Are you mad? What sorrt of a story is this? You need to think properly before writing. At least try to get other people's opinions. I feel like this is such a useless story. I abandoned it by the the beginning of page 2.

well since most of the issues have already been stated{including this one} all I will say is "Who's On First?" is a comedy routine preformed by Abbott and Costello not Laurel and Hardy and is one of my all time favorite comedy routines!

This story lack flow. One point starts before it's even ready. It's more "herky-jerky" than anything. Hard to follow. Hard to say interested.

This lacks any resemblance to reality.

John is beyond perfect. He's a firefighting forester, yet he has the time (and inclination?) to take a summer off to be an entry-level employee on a cruise ship? Everybody knows him and likes him. He's exceptional at everything he does. Sorry, not believing it. No human being is without flaws.

During the incident with the two bullies, when Ann threatens that all the people will leave if John is thrown off the boat is pure BS. People don't get involved like that in real life. Half of the people would have had no clue what was going on, if they even noticed the altercation at all. They certainly would not give up their cruise over an altercation between a couple of other passengers.

At one point it was said that this is a single's cruise, yet nearly everyone is there with a significant other.

There's also the egregious error that the sister is a lesbian simply because she was mistreated by men. Homosexuality doesn't work that way.

I'm willing to suspend my disbelief in many cases when reading fantasy stories, but this one just goes too far to be even remotely believable.

Too many basic flaws and errors to point out, even beyond the ones pointed out. Some are basic facts (well documented by others here), easily researched in seconds. Some are blatant flaws in logic. Some, like the brother being perfect in EVERY way, are annoying to the point of breaking reality.

Then, from a sexy talk standard, you are close, but both drag on too long while not getting into smaller details enough.

We cannot imagine what this looked like before somebody told you to rewrite/extend this piece.

Also...it IS Literotica, and it IS fantasy, but not every story HAS TO have 'perfect racks' that are ginormous and a shaft that is TWICE the average American male. Not everybody reading Literotica has the same...expectations or even wants as what is seen in visual porn. It is fine if they are all good looking, but outsized human specimens breaks the reality, especially in a 'real world' (i.e. not alien/fantasy) setting.

None of this is meant to dissuade you from writing more...only to inspire and motivate you to write better.

I'm a writer, and nothing helps less than when I circulate early drafts and everybody 'LOVES' it. I can't improve it if nobody tells me what I did wrong.

So this is provided only as a working critique, not a blast notice.

Good luck, and I hope to see chapter 2.

What a fun story, people it’s readable do worry about grammar so much and enjoy the story.

I just read the other reviews gotta say some people are just dicks. Look yeah it wasn't perfect but damn it was pretty good. Lol my only complaint would be it wasn't laurel and hardy that did who's on first. That was Abbott and Costello.

Worst story....

Usually I can enjoy stories with guys having 12 fucking inch dick or over, but this one I simply cannot finish reading it. It's so unbelievable it's stupid. I regret clicking on this story.

A super STUD , like JOHN does not exist...!!~! LOL

Typical, the man is perfect at everything - looks perfect, talks perfect, is a perfect specimen of Alpha male nonsense, not a single flaw unlike the women who are flawed, man-hating lesbians. Just too ridiculous even for a fantasy on a porn story website.

Oh and Abbot and Costello did "Who's on First" not Laurel and Hardy.

“He took a 100lb. bag of flour [and put out a grease fire].”

Before the advent of gunpowder, there were basically two groups of people who suffered high odds of dying in an explosion. Miners are pretty obvious with the risk of underground gas pockets going up. The other? Millers. Flour mills blew the hell up all the time. Flour is a very light, very fine, and very flammable powder. Get a bunch of it in the air and and a spark,… Not the best firefighting material.

Look y'all its fucking fiction, I can't believe the number of people who refuse to get that through their heads. Of course John doesn't exist in real life only in the mind of bigmadstork.

However I, is it possible not to know that Abbott and Costello were the duo who did the who's on first routine, now that's a shame

I struggled to keep reading after so many over the top clichés. The line about using flour to put out a grease fire was the final straw.

What's the male version of a Mary Sue?

Oh really enjoyed that had a few jokes made me laugh so much cannot wait to read the rest of your stories keep up the good work Lizzy