All Comments on 'Gasm Pt.02'

You said you wanted feedback, I'll try to be as honest as possible without being brutal, haha.

First - If you're wondering why you have a lower score on this than Pt.01, it's because of the male homosexual elements in the story with literally no warning. Most aren't into that (and in fact, like me, it's actually a total turn off). At the very least some will be forewarned and walk away without leaving an unfavorable rating.

Second - on to your storytelling ability - moving away from the sexual elements here. It's decent. However you moved into the story too fast and because of that the reader is disconnected from it. With mind control particularly you need to spend time on the induction, on the MC developing their control (or, if they already have full control, reveling in using as little as possible). The victory needs to feel like a victory, even if the "victory" is for a bad guy like this story. The story just sort of moved on from conquest to conquest and there was literally zero tension or excitement going on. Bad dude just always knew what he was doing and everyone fell into his clutches like ducks in a row.

The biggest thing about it all, though, is that it just moved too fast. These two "parts" (which spanned roughly 5 full Lit pages, which is like, what? 20 pages total?) could have easily been fleshed out to five times the size, with each conquest feeling like an actual conquest with ups and downs, roadblocks to overcome, and - most importantly - induction. Capturing the essence of finally giving over to their lesser, base morality. Realizing they *want* it, and they're willing to give up their morality - their entire code - to have it. Wanton sex? Check. Depraved behavior? Double check. Is murder on the table? Sure, if necessary to feel...mmmm...*pleasurable* again, absolutely. Bringing others over to be enthralled by my new master? This is what I now desire most of all.

Capturing that feeling you get when you *desperately want* to do something "bad" is what mind control and coercion stories are all about. You just sort of skipped ahead to the naughty bits and the "end-game" of the coercion, and it's the journey there that makes the story exciting.

It's the wife flirting casually with the co-worker. The feeling of excitement she's currently refusing to acknowledge. The rush she feels like she "got away with it" when she touches his arm ever so slightly. The extended touches in pseudo-privacy (and still neither party admits what they're doing to themselves or others). The rush when she walks out to his car with him, chatting away. She talks to her husband and feels slightly guilty, but still refuses to acknowledge the feeling or why she's feeling it - as well as getting off on it. She's being naughty, she's coming to terms with it, and she fucking LIKES it. Still she's not acknowledging it - we're DYING at this point for her to get to it, to FUCK HIS FUCKING BRAINS OUT, but still she flirts with that line, pushing at the edges, testing them, dipping her toe in the waters of wanton betrayal of her wedding vows. So far it feels amazing, but she must be careful.

They go out to lunch, he grabs her hand, they lock eyes. They know. Very soon they will be fucking. Very, very soon. But not today. They've finally admitted it, they want it, they want it desperately, and at this point they know there's no stopping it. They WILL fuck. She starts fantasizing privately, not quite acknowledging the fantasy (STILL!) but also accepting it, reveling in it. She knows his cock will penetrate her cunt. It will slide in, breaking her wedding vows as she orgasms, spraying her wanton sex juices in betrayal all over her marriage bed.

The touching intensifies. Co-workers begin to notice. Perhaps a close friend asks if she's cheating on her husband. She vehemently denies it (she hasn't cheated yet!). That night they find an excuse. An extended hug turns into a brushing of cheeks. They stay like that for a moment, neither daring to move. This is it, this is the turning point. And turn they do, slowly. Gradually skin slides across skin as their lips meet in a powerful kiss. Their tongues find each other as they make their way to his apartment.

There she is in the bathroom, her mind going a mile a minute. This is wrong. This is so wrong. She's shaking. Shaking with desire, guilt, and a downright need to be fucked. To be taken by this man that is NOT her husband. To give away her marriage vows. To betray them. She needs it. It's no longer a question. His cock penetrates and she screams in ecstasy, he fills her completely, his sperm entering her womb - the womb that she has only shared with her husband.

And she loves it. She's betrayed her husband, betrayed her marriage.

And she needs more.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-

THIS is the essence of induction. It pulls the read along. That feeling you have in your pants and in your heart - in your entire core - right now? THAT's the feeling the reader (and the characters!!) need to have. They want the end, they want it desperately, but what they don't know is they really don't want the end, they want the journey. Without the journey the end means nothing.

Your story was akin to condensing that entire induction into one paragraph of "They flirted, they started touching - just lightly, on the hand, perhaps. Then they went out to lunch. She knew she shouldn't do this, but it was too late. They kissed outside his apartment, and that was the final straw! [insert naughty bits]."

It gets the job done, but it's just....lacking excitement. Wow this is fucking long and I'm tired and have work in the morning. Best of luck in the future, friend. Loved the idea, corruption of morality is a subject not treated enough, in my opinion, and has a wide audience desperate for it.

Thanks for the feedback. I do appreciate it. I guess probably a good portion of the problem was where I placed the story. Though there was a good deal of "mind control" elements, I wrote it like a comic book. I do get what you are saying. Some of the efforts I am still working on are more along the line to which you refer. Hopefully, I can publish some of them soon, but I have a tendency to rush the story and I am working on that. Again, not sure if you will see this, but thank you.

I saw your reply to anonymous and I see what you were going for. The problem I see here is that you are trying to put all the episode of a season in a one episode season recap without having the show run first. you could do a redux keeping the comic fun of it by splitting like this:

Chapter 2.1 : Princess and Majestic (with warning and tags for incest and mmf)

Chapter 2.2 : Rooster, Snowball and Figurehead

Chapter 2.3 : Planing for take over

Chapter 2.4 : Lower level

Chapter 2.5 : Gizmo and her posse

Chapter 2.6 : Ultragirl

Chapter 2.7 : Epilogue/Conclusion