Homecoming

"How could you let this happen?!" Kathy glared at me through squinted eyes

"I didn't let anything happen." I said, maybe a little too calmly and slowly

"The hell you didn't! You let her join the army-"

"Marines" I corrected her automatically

"Whatever." she hissed. "Same difference."

'Don't let them hear you say that!' I thought, wisely not saying it

"I don't care if they hear me!"

Oops. Guess I did say it out loud. Told you I was tired. I was about to force myself into the argument when a moan from Zoe grabbed my attention.

"I'm talking to-" Kathy tried to refocus me onto her.

"Shhhhh!" I shushed her. "I think Zoe's waking up."

We both huddled beside her, watching and listening intently.

"mom?" we heard her say weakly

"I'm here."

"shut up."

For the first time since this started, my tears were tears of laughter.

****

The following weeks were some of the most stressful and exhausting of my life, and I cannot imagine how Zoe handled it as well as she did. The silver lining to this hurricane storm cloud was that she was not paralyzed. She was, however, severely weakened. I only somewhat understood or still understand what happened to her spine. The doctors tried to explain it, but there was much I didn't comprehend.

In addition to explosive and shrapnel damage, she was thrown from the vehicle which caused damage to the C6 area of her spine. The nerves weren't completely severed, but there was some major "signal loss" in that area. The doctors tried to explain it as a garden hose that had a kink in it. The end result is that she had some limited motor control, but had no strength or stamina when it came to moving her arms or leg. If she tried really hard she could crack an egg in her hand, but it wore her out.

Kathy left soon after the news was delivered. She said she had work to deal with (as well Zoe's apparent dismissal of her), but I truly believe she was too disturbed by seeing Zoe's injuries. Both Michael and Adam came to visit as well. They stayed for a couple of days each, but there really wasn't much they could do. It was the thought that counts.

Zoe's attitude during all this was a lot more upbeat than I would have thought. She was joking with me, with the nurses, and even with her brothers. Even her therapists were surprised by this, though still worried that she was repressing something. Zoe just waved them off saying that she would just have to make the best of a bad situation. The only thing she kept asking was "When can I go home?"

After a couple of weeks of her insistently asking, the doctors agreed to move her to a VA hospital near our home. A few short days later, we boarded a medical plane and were soon being whisked home. Of course, that didn't mean she came home immediately. The doctors told us she would be in the hospital for a little over two additional months as they monitored her progress through her physical therapy. This gave me time to get some work done on the house.

Being an architect, I had more than a couple of friends in the construction industry. After a couple of calls, I was able to get them working on the constructions of the plans I had spent the last week working on. Approvals were fast tracked; it's good to have friends in high places. The plans completely renovated her bedroom, expanding it into one of her brother's old rooms and creating her own private bathroom. Additional supports were added for rails and any equipment she may need. Doorways were widened to accommodate her wheelchair and ramps were installed on the handful of steps around the house.

As the renovation of the house continued, Zoe's therapy progressed. As her release date neared, she was able to stand with support for a minute. While walking wasn't possible, doctors were hopeful of it happening "one day" with a prosthesis.

By the time the doctors cleared Zoe to come home, the workers were finishing the renovations. She had asked that there not be any celebration or parade or anything. She just wanted a nice, quiet ride home where she could rest and enjoy not being in a hospital any more. The whole ride home, she just stared out the window, absently watching the landscape blur past. I tried to engage her in a conversation, but she just answered in short answers while still looking out the window. In the end, I just let her be and drove home.

Zoe's benefits included in-home assistance, and the nurse assistant was waiting for us when we pulled into the driveway. She helped Zoe out of the car and into her chair. Zoe looked over at me, taking a deep breath of the fresh air.

"Now I'm home." she smiled as we went inside.

****

The next couple of months went pretty much as expected. Zoe worked on her physical therapy with the nurse while I attempted to return to my previous day to day activities. Jamie, the nurse, was very professional and friendly, but mostly kept to herself. We would exchange pleasantries and have conversations regarding Zoe's progress, but nothing in depth or personal. Even with my semi-sabbatical, my business had grown more than I thought possible. I decided to bring on two junior architects who took on the smaller jobs that my company handled. That left me time to work on the projects I wanted instead of what I needed to keep the lights on.

Things were going good.

Which should have been my first warning sign.

It was a Friday afternoon when I pulled into the driveway and saw Jamie get into her car. She saw me and gave a sympathetic shrug and held out her hands as if saying "nothing I can do, sorry." This worried me.

I went inside to hear Zoe unleashing a torrent of anger at the phone.

"What form?! We've filled out dozens of forms, how did we miss one?! Well what the hell am I supposed to do now? Okay, well how long will it take after that? WHAT?! Three months?! I'm kinda dependent on this you know? Is there anything else-. Fine, fine. Yeah, thanks."

I stepped across the threshold of her room, knocking gently as I did.

"What's going on?" I asked

"I'm fucked, that's what's going on." she said bitterly

"What happened? I heard something about a form we missed?"

"Yeah. Some kind of continuing benefits-slash-need form. Something that apparently needs to be filled out quarterly and something that wasn't in any of the instructions or ever even mentioned!"

I let that sink in for a moment. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh. As in 'Oh shit, how am I going to survive without Jamie to help me do any God damn fucking thing I can't do myself!?" her voice started breaking as the sobs started choking her.

I rushed to her side and hugged her close to me. I held her until she finally lifted her head and slowly wiped her tears on my shirt.

"Okay." she sniffed, "So what can we do in the meantime? How do we manage?"

That was the Zoe I knew. Recover from bad news and look for a solution.

"How much would a live in nurse cost?"

"About 3 grand."

"Well, that's not too ba-"

"A week."

"Oh. Maybe your mother coul-"

"Seriously?" she asked incredulously. "Mom hasn't visited once during this time, what makes you think she'll stay for three months to re-live those baby days but for an adult?"

"Right." I nodded slowly

"Dad? I really hate to ask this, but I don't see any other option."

"Me? Oh, I don't know about that, hon."

"I know, but I don't see any other choice right now. I'll be okay with it. Besides, you managed before."

"Are you sure? I mean, things are a little different now." I gestured to her now adult body

" I can't go back and live in that hospital while we wait. I just can't. So if you have an alternative, I'm all ears."

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Not at the moment."

"Okay, because I REALLY have to pee."

Zoe slowly moved to the edge of the bed so she should brace and steady herself to be helped into her wheelchair. I had watched Jamie do this several times before and knew what to do.

"Ready?" I asked as I slipped my hands under her arms

"Yep."

As I mentioned before, Zoe wasn't big by any stretch of the imagination. The last several months had been hard on her and any muscle she had gained in the Marines was slowly vanishing. So when I lifted to move her into her chair, I was as surprised as she was that I was able to pick her up completely. We were both so completely surprised that we both stumbled. I had to almost toss her back onto the bed to keep from falling.

"Woah!" she said, smiling at me. "That's different."

"Sorry." I apologized. "Didn't mean to fling you about."

"That's okay, this may be quicker. Just wanna carry me to the bathroom instead?"

Shrugging, I put one arm under her leg and another behind her back while she wrapped her left arm around my neck. With a quick motion, I pulled and lifted Zoe from the bed and into my arms.

"I could get used to this." She giggled as I carried her into the bathroom. I was thankful that I had put in wide doorways so I was able to easily enter without contortions or bumping into the wall. I did, though, have to roll Zoe towards me a little to make sure her head didn't thump against the door jam.

Maybe it was my imagination but the male in me couldn't help but notice her breasts pressing into my chest. They were small, accommodating her small frame, but very firm. I could also tell that she wasn't wearing a bra under her nightgown. Shaking off the thoughts, I silently admonished myself and gently set her down so she could stand (at her request).

"Okay," she began instructing me, "Hold me steady please." I held her under her arms while she began pulling up her gown. I tried to look away but Zoe would start to wobble to slip and it would draw my attention back. So it was beyond my control to not notice she was also not wearing any underwear of any sort! Yep, completely out of my control.

It was also beyond my control to notice that she was shaved smooth, which didn't strike me as odd at the time but would become paramount. More on that later. At the time I just shrugged it off and dismissed it as a thing modern women did.

When she was done, she cleaned herself and I helped her stand up so I could carry her back to her room. She asked to be placed in her motorized chair so she could start researching and filling out the needed forms.

I went back out to the living room and sat down, trying to take in all that had happened this morning. Just a few hours ago everything seemed to be going great but now it was all topsy-turvy again. Okay, I thought, we can handle this. It's just for a few months after all.

****

The next day I discovered was that I really didn't have time to work anymore, at least not to the degree I was used to. I wasn't resentful about it, but it was a change I had to adjust to. Zoe needed my help for just about everything, which wasn't a problem for the most part. At least until she needed a shower.

"Come on dad." she said as she wheeled towards the bathroom. "I'm going to need help with this."

"Um, okay." I said a little hesitantly

"Don't worry. I got a plan." she smiled at me, hoping it would allay my fears.

Her shower was a large, open tiled area that would allow her to sit in a sturdy chair that was affixed to the floor and wall. She could use it for support to get in and out of a wheelchair. Unfortunately, she wasn't strong enough to transition from the wheelchair to the shower chair on her own.

"Normally Jamie would undress me and get me in the shower." she said as we stood at the shower threshold, looking at it as if it were an impassable gorge. "But if you can get me in the chair I should be able to get undressed on my own."

"Sounds good." I said as I leaned down and picked her up. I gently sat her down in the shower chair and left her to her own devices.

I wasn't two steps out of the bathroom when I heard her grunts of struggle and frustration. I paused at the door, waiting for the water to turn on. After a few moments, instead, I heard "daaaaaaad!"

I slowly walked into the bathroom, "Everything okay?"

"No!" she sighed, and when I looked at her I could see why. Her nightgown was tangled around her head, with her left arm trapped inside. With her right arm she tried to cover her exposed chest but wasn't very successful at it.

"Help please." she said, resigning herself. I tried not to look at her while she sat there as I undressed her. I freed her arm and pulled the gown over her head.

"Sorry about this, dad." she said, not even trying to cover up any more.

"Nothing to be sorry about." I said, trying to sound nonchalant

"I guess you'll have to get used to seeing me, ya know, like this."

"It's okay, baby." I tried not to look at her breasts, but it my eyes were drawn to them, especially when she motioned to her nude body. "Remember, like you said, I used to change your diapers."

"Yeah, well, like you said, a few things have changed since then." I couldn't tell, but I could swear I could see her blushing

"A few, yeah." I chuckled and turned to leave, "Holler when you're done."

I stepped out of the bathroom and took a deep, shuddering breath. My erection was straining against my jeans. I heard the water turn on and hurried out of the bedroom as well. I leaned back against the wall and caught my breath, willing my body to obey and relax. Within a few minutes I felt I was in control of myself and my urges.

That's when Zoe called for me that she was ready to get out. Dammit.

I went back in and, thankfully, Zoe had wrapped a towel around her chest and held it under her arms. I bent down and scooped her up, feeling her damp body press into my chest. She was still hot from the shower, and her lilac shampoo scented hair dripped still from the water.

"Okay, what now?" I asked as I carried her back into the bedroom

"Help dry me off please?" she said meekly

I sighed and nodded my consent. Gently sitting her up on the bed, I got another towel and returned to dry her hair, arms and legs. I cannot say whether it was an accident or planned, but when I looked up at her I caught a glimpse between her legs, of her slit nearly hidden between her thighs. I looked away before she could catch me.

She had already picked out a clean night gown and I helped her into it, getting another eyefull of her chest.

"It's been a long day." she sighed, "I think I'm going to call it an early night."

"Okay baby. I'm just down the hall if you need anything."

"Thanks dad. And thanks."

"No thanks needed, baby." I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I love you."

"Love you." she said, smiling

I tucked her into bed, smiling as she turned off light and I walked out of the room. This was going to be harder than I expected. No pun intended.

****

A few days later I was in my home office, exhaustedly trying to finalize a new home blueprint, when it suddenly vanished from the computer. I'm not a complete idiot when it comes to computers, but try as I might I could not find the damn files anywhere.

"Fuck me!" I said through gritted teeth, angrily tapping the keyboard.

"That might raise a few eyebrows." Zoe said, silently wheeling into the room

"Wha? Oh, sorry, no, I just lost some plans and I can't find the damn things."

"Lemme see." She maneuvered closer to the computer

"Be my guest." I rolled my chair aside to give her access.

She typed slowly and deliberately with her one hand, bit I was at a loss as to what she was doing. Windows and prompts I'd never seen were popping up with commands and information that was complete Greek to me. As she worked, Zoe started humming and making odd clicking sounds with her tongue, obviously consumed by the task at hand. I watched as the old Zoe I remembered emerged ever so slightly.

"Gotcha." She said victoriously a few minutes later. Sure enough, my missing files were all restored.

"How the hell did you do that?"
"Training. It's not like I was big enough to be on the front lines, plus I guess I had a natural aptitude to this sort of thing. A lot of what I did was recover data miscreants thought they'd deleted or destroyed." She looked up at me smugly, "You'd be surprised how much data you can pull off a hard drive, even after it's been smashed with a hammer."

"Wow." I said, genuinely impressed. "Any other skills I should know about?"
"Tons." She said, then added, "with computers."

"You know..." I said, an idea taking form, "I'm obviously hopeless when it comes to some of this stuff. What do you say to helping me out?"
"Help you out? I don't know anything about architecture."

"Not asking you to draw plans. Just help with the computer and office stuff. That's always been my weakest area."

"Well, maybe." Zoe paused to consider it. "I'd have to check my schedule." She chuckled

****

Over the next few weeks we got into a routine. I'd help Zoe in the morning, she'd help me at home with the company, then at night I'd get her cleaned and ready for bed. Occasionally we would go out to a site together, but she admitted she felt uncomfortable outside of the house so we would only leave when it was necessary. When Zoe wasn't helping, she would be working on her strength and motion and there was steady, albeit slow, improvement.

Everything seemed to be going pretty good. I should have known something would happen to screw it up.

"Um. Dad?" she asked one day, and I could tell something was bugging her.

"Yeah? Everything okay?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. You know, I'm really grateful with all that you've done, right?"

"Yeah, but you know it's no big deal to me, right?"

"Yeah, I do, I guess, but, you see, there's something else that I need help with, well, going to need help with, I guess."

"Slow down." I said, trying to stop her rambling. "What do you need, baby?"

"Well, you remember when Jamie left?"

"Yeah?" I wondered where this was going

"About three weeks ago?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, when she left I had just, you know, ended?"

"Ended?"

"Yeah." she said, looking away, "My period."

"Oh. Oh!" I said as realization kicked in

"Yeah." she said, nodding

"Okay. well, what do you need me to do?"

"I know guys can get grossed out by this, so-"

"I've been wiping your butt for several weeks now. I think I can handle this." I said smiling

"We'll see." Zoe chuckled at my teasing. "The thing is, I really can't, or at least shouldn't, use tampons given my current...eh... limitations."

"So... pads then?"

"Yeah, pads. I really hate those things. Gets all messy and sticky down there."

"What's the alternative?"

"Nothing, but if I gotta use those things, I need to prep."

"How so?"

"It's really a personal preference, but it's going to be easier to clean if I'm, you know..." she kinda moved her head as if I knew what she was talking about.

"If you were?" I prompted

She sighed, resigned to having to spell it out for me. "Shaved. Down there."

While I had been helping her into the bathroom, I had thus far managed to avoid dealing directly with her vagina. That's not to say I hadn't caught a brief glimpse every now and then. It was unavoidable. Honest.

Looking back, I can say that I remember her going from being bare to more natural. I never really gave it any thought; I guess I just thought it was a preference. It never occurred to me that she couldn't shave herself. I couldn't shave my face without a mirror and complete control over my hands. Zoe didn't have the motor control to maneuver a razor around that area or the stamina to stay bent over so she could see what she was doing.

"Well. Okay. I guess, uh." I took a slow breath, "I guess I'll have to help you out."

"I'm sorry dad." she said, and I could see her starting to tear up.

"It's okay baby." I tried to comfort Zoe, kneeling beside her and wrapping my arms around her.

"No, it's not!" she said thickly, "I hate being so fucking helpless."