Nighttime Confessions

I couldn't bring myself to confront him. It hurt that Don cheated on me while I was pregnant, but I was hurt far worse by his failure to admit his mistake. I wanted him to confess to me on his own. So when he asked me what was wrong, I ignored him or blew up at him and told him that he damn well knew what was wrong.

Even before I found out about the party, I had noticed changes in the way he was acting. He bought me flowers and gifts and he went out of his way to cater to my every whim, and increased his efforts when I started to give him the cold shoulder. He cooked for me, took care of Brad and was ready to give me a foot, back or neck massage whenever I would permit it. At first, I thought he was just being a loving husband trying to support his wife through the end of her pregnancy, but later, I was convinced that it was his guilt that drove his actions.

Eventually, I forgave him after Sarah was born. Over time my anger cooled down and his obvious distress over my anger and his efforts to get back in my good graces demonstrated his love for me. I came to rationalize his behavior as a fall from grace in which he gave into a temptation that he did not seek out. I was able to forgive him for whatever happened at the party because I knew that it was merely a physical act with no emotional attachment.

What hurt me more was his lack of a confession. I needed him to be open with me. But, in the end, I was not willing to end my marriage over what had occurred. Besides, even though he didn't confess, he made an effort to change his behavior to avoid that type of temptation again. That was the last time he ever accepted an invitation to go out with that group of co-workers. He showed me by his actions that I had nothing to worry about.

The other occasion was five years ago and involved a divorcee who rented the house next to us. Barb had gone through a tough time with her divorce and Don soon became her confidant and sounding board and helped her get her life back together. From the way that Don kept checking her out, it was obvious that he found her attractive. Barb was younger than most of the women on the street and dressed to show off her assets. She knew she was sexy and freely admitted that she liked to dress to show off. But I trusted them together. I had confidence in Don's love for me.

The first suspicion that I had that something might be going on between Don and Barb was an incident that happened just before she moved away. Barb had accepted a new job in Spokane and invited the whole neighborhood to her house for a going away party. Around 9:30, I got involved in an intense discussion with some of the neighbors over an incident at the school and lost track of Don. He came walking up to me about 45 minutes later acting strange.

He seemed jumpy and unsettled. When I asked him if he was ok, he said he wasn't feeling that well and asked if we could leave early. We made our excuses, went home and made an early night of it. A few days later, Barb was off to her new home and just another name on our Christmas card list.

The following weekend, I received an unexpected visit from Ruth. Ruth lived up the street from us and was a woman that I did not really care for. She was the neighborhood gossip and snoop. It was not uncommon at parties to find her in places where she had no right to be and I suspected that she had no qualms about sneaking a peak inside closets or drawers to discover her neighbors' juicy secrets.

What I disliked most about her was the great delight she took in passing along salacious rumors and innuendo about suspected neighborhood affairs. Se took a malicious pleasure in passing the rumors on to the unsuspecting spouses "for their own good". After the party, her new rumor involved Barb and my husband Don and she had stopped by to tell me her story in glorious detail.

According to Ruth, there was a line at the downstairs bathroom so she had gone upstairs to wash her hands in the sink in the guest bathroom. More likely, she had gone up to check out the medicine cabinet. She said that she could hear voices coming from behind the closed door of Barb's bedroom. She said that the voices stopped suddenly when she banged the door to the bathroom while opening it.

Ruth claimed that she left the door to the bathroom open and could see the hallway through the mirror. She heard the lock to Barb's bedroom click open and then saw the door open slightly. Barb walked out and appeared to check up and down the hallway before sticking her head back into the bedroom. She then says that my husband walked out of the bedroom and quickly went downstairs by himself while Barb stood in the hallway with a smile on her face and watched him walk away. Ruth claimed that Barb's makeup was smeared and her clothing was disheveled "as if she had just been fooling around".

When Barb turned around, she saw Ruth in the bathroom. She claimed that Barb jumped when she saw her and gave her a guilty look. She then quickly walked back into the bedroom without saying a word to Ruth. Her final bit of gossip was that both Don and Barb looked somewhat flushed when they left the bedroom.

When I heard Ruth's story, I knew that I had to ask Don about it. What concerned me most was that I knew that Barb and Don had become good friends while he was helping her with her divorce. I needed to find out if that friendship had led Don into an affair that betrayed our marriage.

While I wanted to confront him, I wanted to see how he would explain what had happened. Don did not know the extent of what Ruth had seen, nor was he aware that Barb had seen Ruth. I saw Don come down the stairs and he came directly over to me. We only saw Barb for a brief moment as we were saying our good-byes and I was next to him the entire time. She might have been nervous when we said farewell, but it did not register at the time.

The party was the last time either of us saw Barb. By the next morning, he was fully recovered from his mysterious illness and was all over me. We got up around noon, bundled up the kids and headed out for an impromptu weekend at my parents. Barb was gone before we got back.

Thinking back, Don did treat me extra nice that week. I can't swear that it was guilt but, after hearing Ruth's tale, I could see some resemblance to the way that he acted after the bachelor's party.

This situation bore too much resemblance to the bachelor party for my liking. After we left Barb's, I had asked him what he had done while I was talking to the neighbors and he had only been willing to give me a vague answer. He told me that he had just mingled until he started to feel ill. I couldn't think of a good explanation why he would have been in Barb's bedroom at all, let alone with Barb. Barb always kept her bedroom door closed when she held parties and there was no reason for him to go in there. Usually, I trusted Don if he had to be alone with another woman, but this scenario was troublesome.

That night when he got home, I mentioned that Ruth had stopped by that afternoon to tell me a juicy rumor about Barb's party. I was watching him closely and he flinched when I mentioned Ruth's name. He knew her reputation for rumor and innuendo. When I told him that the rumor was about him and Barb, I could see him grow worried.

I didn't tell him everything Ruth told me. All I said was that Ruth had heard the two of them in Barb's bedroom with the door closed and locked. I didn't mention Barb's reaction when she saw Ruth, nor the state of Barb's clothes and makeup. I was suspicious of what had happened. I wanted to see what he would tell me.

When I finished, I could tell that he was trying to figure out what I knew and how much to tell me. After all our years together, it's hard to keep secrets from one another. It was obvious from his behavior that something had happened, but I didn't know what.

Don eventually laughed and made a snide comment about Ruth. He told me that she was imagining things as usual. He said that he had gone upstairs to use the bathroom. He was leaving the bathroom when Barb had come upstairs and run into him. When she saw him, she asked if she could talk to him privately for a minute. She motioned him into her bedroom and closed the door behind them. She wanted to thank him for listening to her and being a good friend. He then said that she gave him a kiss and a hug and he had come downstairs to find me.

Don's answer did nothing to quiet my suspicions. His story had too many gaps. He failed to explain why Barb checked the corridor before he left the bedroom. His comment about a hug and kiss did not explain why Barb's clothing or makeup had been a mess. His explanation also would not justify Barb's reaction when she saw Ruth.

I let him know that I was not satisfied with his explanation; that I was sure there was more to the story. Don got nervous and swore to me that he was telling me the truth. The truth is a slippery thing sometimes. Even if what he said was the truth, I let him know in no uncertain terms that I didn't think he had told me the whole truth. He may not have lied, but I thought he was misleading me. I was left to wonder if this was a one-time event or something that had been going on for a while.

Later that evening, I asked Don point blank whether he and Barb had had an affair. I needed to know if their friendship had blossomed into an emotional attachment. To me, a love affair would have been an intolerable betrayal of our marriage and our commitment to one another.

Don vehemently denied any affair. This was a comfort. I know Don well enough to be able to tell when he is lying to me and he did not lie about the affair. If anything had occurred, it was a one-time event. So I asked him if had ever had sex with her. While Don denied this, there was some hesitance in his answer. I don't think he lied, but I was left with a feeling that sex had certainly been a possibility. I just didn't know why it hadn't occurred.

This incident led to another stretch of tense feeling between us. This time, Don knew exactly why I was angry with him but tried to ride it out. He found out from a neighbor everything that Ruth had seen. He knew exactly why I did not believe him. But still, he never explained what had happened. He never apologized for trying to deceive me by telling only part of the story. I never found out what really had gone on between him and Barb.

Instead, Don tried to make it up to me by his actions. We both knew that he had tried to deceive me, but that knowledge became the 800-pound gorilla that he was determined to ignore. I was hurt by his failure to address the situation. I was left to wonder what he and Barb had been doing for almost 45 minutes.

I did forgive him eventually. While I hated his inability to admit that he had tried to deceive me, I finally decided to let it pass. I couldn't explain why he wouldn't apologize, but I could see his guilt and his desire for me to forgive him. I like to think that his guilt over deceiving me was equal to or greater than his guilt over what had happened. Maybe he was too ashamed to admit that he had compounded his actions by trying to deceive me over what had happened.

I also rationalized his actions by blaming Barb. Although I never discovered what happened, I decided that Barb had tried to seduce him. It was easier for me to blame Barb who was out of our lives than to blame the man that I loved. Once again, I rationalized his behavior as him giving in to a temptation that he did not seek out.

Some people might think I am weak or call me a wimp for forgiving him this second time, but, for me, it was the right decision. I thought long and hard about our marriage, our family, about Don and about what he had done. Yes he hurt me, but I always knew that Don was not perfect. I weighed his faults against the thousands of ways that he constantly showed his love for me and I decided I wanted our marriage to continue even with my doubts. Don may have had some problems but to an overwhelming degree, he was a good father, a loving husband and my considerate lover. I was not willing to abandon my marriage and put our family through hell just because he had given into temptation on two occasions.

The nature of the incidents made them easier for me to forgive. The bachelor party incident was clearly a moment's temptation that was purely physical. Similarly, I had convinced myself that the incident with Barb was a one-time event that had no chance of being repeated. Don had never entered into an affair or allowed any other woman to gain a claim on his heart. Emotionally, I distinguished sex from making love. I could forgive Don for the physical act of sex, as long as it was not a sign of an emotional betrayal.

Trust was something else I considered. I loved Don, but could I trust him? Could I trust him not to slip again and, more importantly, could I trust him to be open with me? Would he keep on giving into temptation in the future? Even if I loved him, could our marriage survive with the current level of trust?

This was the hardest part of my decision, but I decided that I trusted him in the matters that meant most to me. I firmly believed that Don would never knowingly set out to hurt me. I knew that it hurt him as well when he hurt me. I knew that his commitment to our family was strong and unshakeable. And I trusted him to learn from his mistakes.

I did continue to have doubts. I regretted the fact that we never fully faced the matter head on. I never explained how I felt. I did worry if it would happen again. He had given into temptation twice. Would it be easier to give in a third time? I was afraid that a third incident could turn into the type of an affair that I could never forgive. But, because he refused to discuss what had happened, my doubts remained unresolved. I resolved that in the future, I would have to redouble my efforts to clear the air.

And now I'm the one that slipped. I'm the one that had sex with someone else. I cheated on my husband tonight and I don't know why.

Near the end of the school year, I was selected as one of the school's two representatives to the annual State Athletic Association conference. This conference was known as a first class affair. The school athletic director traditionally handed it out each year as a reward for a coach or teacher who had an exceptional year.

It was a plum assignment: a weeklong conference held at a five star resort with plenty of opportunity for socializing. The conference schedule included morning meetings and a single afternoon session that ended by 2:30. The remainder of each day was left free so that the attendees could enjoy the facilities of the resort or the tours offered by the Association. Nights were filled with receptions and parties sponsored by the Association or by vendors.

I was excited about being selected. I had heard tales about the great time other coaches had had at the conference. It was like winning an all expenses paid vacation. My only regret was that Don would not be able to attend it with me.

After the initial excitement subsided, I started to wonder why I had been selected. My teams had done well and my classes had gone off without a hitch, but I had not done anything extraordinary. There was nothing to distinguish my year from that of many others in my Department and there were some that deserved it more than I did. I couldn't figure out why I had been rewarded.

Then I realized that the other representative to the conference was the school's athletic director and head football coach, Frank Morello. Frank had been hired as football coach about four years earlier. He did a good job as coach and had an innate instinct on how to flatter the right people. His work paid off and he was named athletic director as well.

While Frank was a nice enough guy to work for, he had a reputation as a ladies man. He was the type of persistent wolf that I had never had to deal with before. In the four years that he had been at the school, it was common knowledge that he had dated many of the single teachers and administrative staff. It was also rumored that he had been involved with a few of the married teachers as well.

It occurred to me that Frank had started to pay a lot of attention to me over the spring season. I began to suspect that I was slated to be his next conquest. If so, the conference would provide him with an excellent opportunity to take a shot at me.

I decided to talk everything over with Don. My suspicions weren't enough of a reason to turn down the assignment. But, I certainly did not relish being placed in the position of having to fight off Frank's advances for a week. Frank could be petty when crossed and he was well connected. I wasn't looking forward to the possibility of pissing my boss off because I had shot him down. This "plum assignment" could end up poisoning my work environment.

To his credit, Don was receptive to my concerns. He never suggested that maybe I was reading too much into the situation. Rather we discussed possible ways to deal with the situation if it arose. We rejected the idea that Don would go in and warn Frank off because I had no proof and that would definitely tick Frank off. I wasn't afraid that Frank would attack me; my biggest fear was the affect that a rejection would have on my work situation. A sexual harassment claim was always a possibility, but both Don and I viewed this as a solution of last resort.

Ultimately, Don suggested I act proactively. He suggested that I avoid situations where Frank could make a pass at me. This might frustrate Frank, but would be safer than openly rejecting him. He suggested that I sign up for activities that Frank could not participate in. He said that I should find out if I knew anyone at the conference and make plans with them for meals and evening activities. In short, I should actively work to avoid situations where Frank could get me off by myself. Don's idea made sense and I agreed to try it.

I discovered that my fears about Frank's intentions were correct that Sunday on the plane. He wasted no time before he told me that he wanted to take this opportunity to get to know me a whole lot better. I played dumb and ignored the implication of his comments while taking his statement literally. I regaled him the entire flight with stories of my children and husband. But, by his continued comments about the fun that we could have together at the social events of the conference, I could see that he was undeterred. He was planning on giving me the full court press.

When we got to the resort, the bustle of registration and getting settled in allowed me some relief from Frank, but I knew that he would renew his assault that evening. I decided that I needed to find some safe cover quickly. A review of the attendee list showed me that only a quarter of the attendees were women. I quickly reviewed the list to see if I recognized anyone's name. I wanted to start making some calls to see if I could make plans for that evening.

I was pleasantly surprised to Judy Cormier's name on the list. I had not seen Judy in over 10 years. She and I had worked together at summer soccer camps both during college and when we were both just getting started. We had become pretty good friends. We kept in touch for a while, but then Judy and her husband had moved out of state and we drifted apart. While I had heard she had gotten a divorce, I hadn't known that she had moved back home.

When I called Judy, she was excited to hear from me. She told me that she already had plans that evening with a bunch of friends, but she was sure that I would be welcome to join them for dinner. I wanted to talk to Judy again so I quickly made plans to meet her at the restaurant. When Frank stopped by a little later to see if I wanted to join him for dinner, I was able to graciously beg off by telling him that I had already made plans to meet up with an old friend.