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But Emily Parsons had fallen asleep, a deep untroubled sleep, the kind of sleep we all hope to have. And with a small smile on her lips she dreamed of nothing. A blissfully vacant void.
And why should she dream? Why should she be troubled? After everything that had happened that night, there was no reason for her to be uneasy. No reason at all. After all, it was only a game...
- COMMENTS
JmsRthrfrd9 months agoExcellently written, most "party game" stories on this site often fall short when it comes to dialogue and realism, but this story does well to keep things grounded and believable. However, there are a few points of improvement I noted when reading. First, it's important for stories like these that you put "cheating" or a similar term in the story tags - those tags act as search indicators as much as they do trigger warnings for people who are sensitive to such topics. Second, the size fetishism is quite offputting for a story not tagged with it/not in the fetish category. There was heavy fixation on the size of Emily's breasts and Rob's penis, so much so that you had the characters actively mock Jake for having a smaller penis. Penis size and breast size are not factors people can control, and hence people should not be mocked or objectified specifically for those traits. Listing exact measurements (34DD, 9") is redundant as only the most sex/porn addicted readers will have any real grasp on what those sizes are indicative of. Using more ambiguous terminology - "big", "huge" - allows readers to use their own conception of what the terms mean. Better yet, you could avoid mentioning size altogether, thereby not alienating readers who aren't attracted to abnormally large penises and large breasts. Finally, there's the inconsistencies regarding Emily's feelings for Jake. The story opens with a description of how in love Emily is with Jake, and how much she adores the memories they've already created together. Then, after finding out Jake is quite a poor and abusive drunk, she immediately drops any sense of care for him and cheats on him while he's inebriated for a single day (his birthday!) This simply isn't something you do to someone you love, even if that person is very abusive and has issues. Either Emily isn't in love with him, and there are major inconsistencies in the story, or she's immoral by her own standards, making her much less of a relatable character. Seeing how the story played out, I only ended up disliking Emily toward the end of it, which is not a good relationship for the reader and protagonist to have.
Despite these issues, the story was very well written otherwise and I hope more writers learn from your manner of dialogue and realism.
