All Comments on 'Packaged Deal'

I really struggle with the set up. Gets a bj from mom before his break up. GF coerces him to go overseas (where exactly?) But cheats on him too. Puerile fantasy.

As for proof reading: Mom flashes him and he messages her tits. He sits there wearing only a towel and a bathroom. Come on. Try a bit harder. The vocabulary of human anatomy is a minefield for the author.

I am hoping you keep this going. So much more fun to have yet and he needs to cum in a couple of pussies and breed his "girls"

proof read, he was covered by the bathroom? may be bathrobe I agree it

was rushed, slow down.

Why would mom take off her clothes if she was already naked ? Your timetable and sequence of events left the story hard to read

You really do need a proofreader or an editor. You used "you're" instead of " your" multiple times. You also had the mother and daughter strip when they went to the mom's bedroom and then you had the mom take off her clothes again. The sex was hot, though, so I gave it 3 stars.

Maybe both pussies will soon be showing a wonderful baby bump

Is this a revision to the previous version or an expansion?

All of your uses of "you're" are correct; not a one of them should be "your".

Note to Sex4lf57: When you're going to criticize someone's grammar, be sure you have it right. Otherwise, all you do is prove to the world what an ass you are.

But you need to proofread.

Also, once you mention the character's age, don't keep using it as a substitute for their name.

Also, it's try TO do something, not try AND do something.

Make Cameron more sexually descriptive -- some chest hair for that muscular chest (he is 23, after all) -- a treasure trail, healthy pubes -- all to stimulate Michelle and Audrey and give them something on him to caress and taste! Imagine his sexy chest hair tickling their boobs during intercourse!

Why can’t we enjoy a story for the content? All these amateur English teachers critiquing every key stroke an author makes. Yes there are grammatical and usage mistakes, so what! Enjoy the content of the story.

SuperWriter. Very hot story. I look forward to a continuation with these characters!

Maybe some of us like to read a story that's written well instead of trying to figure out what the author was trying to say. Apparently, you belong to the stupid category.... one of those mindless bots that rate every story with a five-star.

> Why can’t we enjoy a story for the content?

Because stories that have a lot of mistakes in them aren't very enjoyable.

Reason why people say things about the grammar is because it becomes very difficult to read, and frankly not fun or erotic, with a lot of grammatical errors and a writing style that is very difficult to follow. You even had errors such as saying that both women striped down, and then later the mother took off her clothes while Cam was having sex with his sister. These types of things make the reading far less enjoyable.

The introduction was terrible. I stopped reading.

You could've gotten a higher score. Just spend a bit more time polishing the story next time. The other comments covered what needed to be improved.

add more parts..

I thought you did a great job on this story. This is the first of your stories that I've read but it certainly won't be the last.

Another example of errors in critique:

You even had errors such as saying that both women striped down,

SuperWriter, correctly, stated that both women stripped down, in that they removed their clothes, not that they painted stripes on each other!

If you’re going to correct someone, please ensure you have the, literary, high ground from which to pontificate!

Yes, there were odd continuation issues and odd spelling errors/typos, probably down to, missed, autocorrections. However, whilst I noticed these errors, they did not spoil my enjoyment or cause me to lose the thread of a generally well written story, with pretty good use of punctuation.

Noticing some of the more constructive comments, I wonder if the flow would have been further improved if it had been written in the first person but this is just a personal preference.

Wish you would have done more with the Bitch Sara and her infidelity. They were living together and moving overseas.

Still one of the Best. I thought the Mom.BJ in the bathroom was Fantastic

Can’t wait for the next chapter. Need some baby batter in Audrey

YOU are a very talented story-teller and I enjoyed where it was heading. However, the distractions, story time line, and the improper grammar was a consistent pain in my enjoyment and entertainment. Those items might not mean anything to some, but to others in the know, they are crucial. While I found I enjoyed the story, it was only after I rewrote it in my head.

Good Fortune in your future endeavors.

PALADIN1954

I hope you start to see the critiques as an opportunity to improve your writing. If ppl didn't like the story, they wouldn't offer free help and editorial advice on how you can make it even better.

Many a story I've stopped reading after a paragraph or two because the mistakes were just too painful to keep reading through. On those, I don't post any free advice as I feel that they aren't worth saving if their grammar and spelling is that bad.

So, without further ado... my free advice to your growth as a writer: in the dialog, take out about 9 out of every 10 names. I'm not sure, but I don't think Audrey ever spoke to her brother without a "Big Bro" or "Big Brother" at the beginning or the end. If you want to improve your dialog, sit in a coffee shop and listen to people talk to each other or to people on the phone. You'll notice that once the conversation has started, they stop using each other's name. The exception being when you're in a large group. Then you need to use a name so the crowd knows whom is speaking to/with whom. Three is not a crowd.

You can't see a vagina normally, you can't kiss a vagina, it's the fuck hole stupid. Calling a pussy a vagina is EXACTLY like calling a pussy a cervix or a uterus. Labia or Vulva is correct. Calling it a vagina is absurd. WHO!!! is the dumb ASS that started that idiocy???

Overall, I enjoyed the story and would love to see a sequel. However, I've gotta say I was disappointed by Cameron not cumming in his Mom and Sister. They're supposed to be his new girlfriends, and love him, so why shouldn't he enjoy the feeling of giving them both a creampie as a testament of that love? Hopefully, he gets to do so in part 2 (there should definitely be a part two).

I think that showing Michelle and especially Audrey seducing Cam might have tied the story together better. If Audrey has been fantasizing about winning his heart for so long, she must have some thoughts about how best to draw him into her web, right? Perhaps she’d have to convince mom too, and even if she didn’t, the older and wiser woman might have been concerned about being a rebound relationship instead of the forever triple where you end up.

Besides the grammar, this was a very good one. Gave it 4 stars, cause it was too short. Need more chapters.

Why not call a dick a urethra...

I loved the story even though the grammatical errors were annoying. I'd love to see another chapter with impregnation in it and maybe Audrey could bring her bff into the mix.

and like everyone else I also agree he should have cum in them

as they are his girlfreds

would lo read chapter Audrey dump her boyfriend

FIRST OFF, GET YOURSELF A GOOD PROOF READER.

AND WHY DO YOU CALL MOM and SIS, YOU GUYS???,

THEY ARE FEMALES, YOUR PLAYERS SOUND FAKE.

THIS STORY NEEDS A REWRITE, THEN IT WILL WORK.

.SORRY.

not the story. it was great. i'm talking about people who have never even submitted a story taking time to look for grammatical errors. it's porn literature not creative writing class. and yes I have a couple stories on here I just forgot my password. look for my pen name dickupinya or the story Sam and Lisa.

Ah, my fellow weeb. I felt your passion! Unless I'm mistaken then this would be awkward AF, but I don't think I am. Senpai is proud!

"Michelle and her daughter, Audrey received multiple bikinis to try them on in Michelle's room since she had a body length mirror on the far side wall..."

As politely as possible - you need serious help with your writing.

Love this story. That is what family is for. Helping out each other in a passionate , loving way !!!

continue with next story that mom and sister should decide to get pregnant.

Juices leaked from her all the while, snaking down her thighs

She is on her back. The juices will leak down her but crack and onto the bed. They would only leak down her thighs if she were standing or kneeling.

loved it

would like to read a second chapter with pregnancies

Great story, how about more chapters please

I loved the story. Please write more.

Great story, would make quite a saga. He gets both of them pregnant and they live happily ever after, Well done 5===stars

This story is way too cheesy. There were times when it was so sophomoric that I was wondering if maybe this is a satirical piece and I'm missing something. 😕

Don't get me wrong, I love a good comedy if that's what you were shooting for here. I also enjoy sibling incest and polyamory ffm triads. But I really don't know what this is supposed to be. 2/5 just because it was mildly entertaining.

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And as a personal aside to the anonymous people posting negative comments: Your opinion is worthless if you refuse to back it up with your identity. You yellow bellied sap suckers.

I have to say, I gave you **5** stars, because I REALLY DO LOVE THE STORY!!

BUT, some assistance with writing is needed; either English is a second language (I think this is the case!) or else...any alternative...but DO get some help. It would appear you have not much experience, due to the low number of stories here,,,it may be the format...SSSSOOOO...

Gonna read another to see how it is....

A great story.

Great ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ story ruined by a very rushed ending. You certainly had the opportunity to do a lot more to this story…disappointing really . A very lucky ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️….

This was a hard read I mean seriously the way the dude was acting is like he is a little kid with the constant use of mommy and so forth made me feel like I was reading child pornographic enough so that I couldn't and didn't finish reading I tried but was too much for me to handle with that being said I don't get how people actually liked this story I mean I have a sick and twisted mind but even I don't think that reading a story that sounds like it is child pornographic is good if you ask me a lot of you need to seek some serious help

Love the story. Would like to read more about them. Keep writing.

Knock up both of these sluts

Lost a star at the end for ruining it with a pull out. This isn't real life. You can let them cum inside and not have to worry about pregnancies if you simply just don't mention it in the story. :) And the whole Sara thing was silly. Like really, serious girlfriend that wants him to go overseas with him, issues ultimatum but is then randomly found cheating with a neighbour? Come on that just feels so contrived to get rid of her.

Good setup, but the whole thing felt rushed. Too many "A couple of weeks passed". Way too quick of a transition from mopey and broken hearted to gangbusters with his family. 3*