All Comments on 'Sindhu Diary - Prelude'

I repeat my previous critique with the understanding this was probably already submitted and pending site approval at the time.

There's a game by Sierra Lee called "The Last Sovereign" that deconstructs the erotic RPG genre itself (and is also unironically one of the best stories I've ever read). Spoiler warning; among the many women the protagonist inducts into his harem is his adopted daughter, a brilliant mage imbued with the sort of overly-formal airs that often accompany the nerd archetype. Yet despite her being one of the youngest characters, their relationship is the most mature: they discuss their blooming romance as though conducting an academic analysis, while never sacrificing the -emotional- core that might otherwise make it read like parody.

The opening here reminds me of that. Though at first glance the language reads somewhat stilted, "A Punctuated Symphony" establishes that Sindhu's mother is a 'traditionalist' and channels her role as mother through certain expectations of decorum, so this meticulous formality actually makes sense—as does Sindhu cloaking her response behind the wall of propriety. It is what we might call the Victorian dilemma. Some readers may find it awkward, but it made me smile.

Beyond my previous critique, there's an awkward repetition to many phrases on the first page that made me stop and retrace, thinking passages were recycling themselves and/or the timeline was doubling back. Temporal discombobulation can be used for effect by unreliable narrators, but I don't think you were intending this to be liminal.

Similarly, the sudden shift from first to third person in Page 2 threw me, even as I understood what you were aiming for with Sindhu immersing herself in the mask of Parvathi. I like the -idea-, I just feel the execution could be made smoother: given the intimacy of the "I" perspective, it's like the reader has suddenly been kicked across the room; the emotional bond is dulled.

The return to first person is my highlight: the dialogue from here to the end is the most natural and free-flowing I've read of your (English) prose thus far. Not to mention, it hints at Umaiyal's personality when she -has- put her guard down; it's an encouraging tease to future chapters. ;)

In sum: while this is weaker in some respects, it's also much stronger in others. I'm not sure I've fully worked out how this recontextualizes "A Punctuated Symphony", but I am -very- interested to see where this series goes.

You're an advanced reader, SirDigbyChickenCaesar.

I understand your critique, and I will be more careful. Thanks for your feedback; I really appreciate it. Actually, this is a novel I am writing in Tamil - my mother tongue - which is presented from the perspectives of Visu and Umaiyal. As an attempt to explore English writing, I've started with a prelude from Sindhu's perspective. This was meant to be somewhat inconspicuous, just for me to grasp Sindhu's point of view.

You might be aware that even though I am the writer, I can't fully understand what she's thinking until I immerse myself in Sindhu's character. This exercise is aimed at helping me improve my Tamil novel. However, now that I have an advanced reader like you, I'll make sure it's worth your while.

Making up a word for your description of this story drove me to the end to award the only star you earned, that being 1, and this comment.

You mean multigasm a made up word? cageysea9725?

And I understand you didnt like the story, sorry to disappoint you.

Glad to be of service; I can't speak to Tamil, but I -can- say you have a better grasp of English than some of the native writers here. ;p

PS: Don't mind cageysea: they've been grinding an axe against this site for as long as I've known. I have yet to see a single comment that's not trashing other writers in Taboo. If moderation could pull its finger out, these trolls wouldn't be a problem.

Had you used 'multigasm' I probably would have ignored it and continued reading. You didn't though, so you've cemented more firmly in my mind that you're an idiot.

"Multigasm" is a term often used humorously to refer to the idea of experiencing multiple orgasms in a short period of time. It's a play on the word "orgasm," which is a peak sexual experience characterized by intense pleasure and release.

I dont understand your comment, sorry cageysea9725.

You really need to learn to read before you trying writing in English. Look at your description. Read it carefully. Never once does "multigasm" occur. NEVER. Are you really that stupid that I need to tell you 3 times? You typed m u t i g a s m. mutigasm. YOU typed it, not me. I'm not the one with the problem.

I got you now, I'm pretty similar to you with respect to spelling mistakes. So I understand your frustration.

I will be more careful. Thanks for pointing it out. Cheers!

I skimmed through this story. The language is stilted and awkward. I would say to stick with your native language, but the ratings for those are no better than for the English ones.

Writing entertaining, fictional literature isn't something everyone can do. It doesn't look like you're one of the people who can.

I think you're educated, so you should be able to read between the lines in what I'm saying.

@SirDigbyChickenCaesar:

I make plenty of positive comments, but the frequency of an actual writer on this site is so rare, you've either missed them or your confirmation bias has stilted your judgement. Even you admit those with an adequate grasp of English are rare, and that would be both the write in English and read in English.

Considering this typist has garnered 1 person for each submission, and an average of under even 4 stars, even you should be able to understand that my comments on this story, like all my comments, are rooted in accurate. Am I nice about it? No, but these people are not my children, they are not my students, they do not pay me to help them (most, including this one, are beyond assistance), so why do the idiotic masses believe I have a responsibility to be nurturing? I'd rather weed out the bad ones so it's not so difficult to find something worth reading?

You contribute to the poor quality which runs so rampant on this site by coddling the untalented, illiterate masses who give themselves more credit than they deserve.

I appreciate your attempt at feedback cageysea9725, although I must say your comments come across as unnecessarily dismissive and judgmental. Writing is a personal endeavor, and while not everyone may enjoy my style, resorting to insinuations about my background or language is neither helpful nor respectful. It's disappointing to see such attitudes in a supposedly educated discourse. Let's aim for a more constructive conversation where we can discuss literary preferences without resorting to thinly veiled insults.

Insinuation implies both pejorative and indirect manner. I was neither about neither your background or your language. English is the most spoken as a second language in the world, and whatever language 2 of your submissions was written in is probably, my lack of experience with it necessitates my assumption, middle eastern, which few people speak those as second languages. I was forthright when I stated I think you're educated.

The matter is, at its root, directly attributable to the butt hurt you're experiencing right now.

It is a simple matter of facts, which I already quoted. 4 followers after 4 submissions says only that people don't want to read more from you. Even at 4 stars average for your submission is not a good rating. You haven't achieved that.

Seriously, my best and the most constructive criticism anyone can give you is that you should stop trying to be a writer. You're not good at it.

Obviously, almost everyone who has read what you're submitted has judged it, and decided to dismiss it.

You really shouldn't fault someone for giving you obviously good advice.

As if Shakespeare didn't make up words, good grief. I'm sorry for the author having to suffer such abuse. SirDigbyChickenCaesar makes some valid points on the structure, but this is still loads better than most of the stories here. There's a maturity and mysticism to your writing that stands out, especially given how banal most incest plots are. Whatever you do, don't give up!