All Comments on 'Strike Three. You're Out!'

Not a lot of meat here yet, but I’m hoping that the subsequent chapters make up for it.

The military do not carry AR-15s.

If the others are this short. you should post in one dose. I hope the nautical stories coming July 4th are a bit longer. 4 *s and three of these things, whatever the hell they are. .😄😄😂. This is my account. Do not hack!

AMerryman

nice start but it would have been better to write two or three pages. One

page and stopping? can not rate your tale as it is mostly back ground info.

Terrible publishing strategy, total disappointment. Seriously, you are going to feed us a page at a time over 6 days, are we in kindergarten or something. So the whole story is only 3 pages long? I would suggest checking out some of the established writers, they publish minimum 3 pages at a time. You are trying to serve us your Hot Dog of a story as a three course 5 star meal. Didn’t work.... but as mentioned good writing with potential to be much better.

one page one star. Really dislike the put out one page at a time crap, it doesn't build drama in the story .

Tasty short.

2* started good but ended bad

I have the distinct impression I have read this story or one VERY similar to it here before?

In Andre Breton's "Manifesto of Surrealism" (1924), he inveighs against Dostoevsky's ridiculously detailed description of all the contents of a room in "Crime and Punishment," calling it "school boy description" -- and rightly so. The description of the room is tedious beyond belief, and serves no purpose. I think Dostoevsky was merely trying to orient himself in his story, and the description should have been left in his notes to himself.

You should learn the difference between pertinent description and unnecessary description.

No no no no no. Not interested.

Her old boyfriend broke their engagement, probably because she cheated, now she cheated on her fiance Rocco, and sends him a "Dear John" letter that anyone who reads these stories is deadly.

We have Mash and hearbreak ridge

I know you said it was a 3 part story but with this chapter being this short you could have made it just one story. You write well but this is just a tease. I understand or I think I do, your 3 strikes and correlating it to 3 chapters but this is just too short.

AR-15???? really??????? Did they run out of M-16s or M-4s to issue.

When I first started reading this I wondered why it wasn't rated higher. It seemed to be written well. I figure it probably evolved into an over the top BTB story. Then I got to the end of page one and realized why. One page of a multi chapter story? This is stupid to say the least. AT LEAST LET US KNOW UP FRONT THAT THERE WILL BE MORE CHAPTERS.

You talk about plot and character development and then you throw out this mess? BTW you DO understand you're in the Loving wives section? Other than a widow and a cheating girlfriend, I see no sign of a loving wife. Why are you here? This was like an opening paragraph. Certainly not a story opener. Not good. Not good at all.

This is a fantastic read and I enjoyed it better than most. The language is understandable because with my 23 years Active Duty I could feel the story as if I were there. Your skills are very realistic and move the reader to another time and place. Please keep up the good work and thanks!

There's barely enough of a story to comment on; there's no reason why this should have been split up into multiple chapters.

The dialogue with the priest came across pretty stilted. It didn't sound to me like normal human conversation.

The letter kind of raises more questions: They met when she was an incoming freshmen, so apparently her and her high school boyfriend had a serious enough and long enough relationship that they got engaged, and then she cheated on him and they broke up (presumably after graduation?), and this somehow never came up? Did he never meet her family and friends? Did they never have discussions about their pasts?

Their relationship seemed pretty superficial, so the idea that a junior in college (who probably shouldn't be getting engaged to anyone) drifts away from a relationship with a guy after an indefinite separation (9 months and counting) in which they can't stay in contact seems incredibly unsurprising to me. I'd have a hard time calling it much of a betrayal.

Hopefully, you'll take this in the spirit it was intended: suggestions on how to improve your story.

After reading your introduction, I thought I was in for a third of a rather long story since that's what you said was coming. I was quite surprised to find this was one page, and a short one at that. If the other two parts are this length, then it's not a long story. It's an average length story by Literotica standards and should probably (imo) be sent out in one go so that there's some sense of continuity.

A good proof reading would help. There are a number of obvious typos.

Some fact-checking would help. The military versions of the rifle aren't called the AR-15 (as another reviewer noted). You might want to have chosen the M4 or M16 designation, as those are the newer and older versions of the military weapon since the mid-1960s. Similarly, the M98 Beretta is known as the M9 in the military version.

Check place names so readers can orient themselves. There's a Lake Otsego in New York near Cooperstown and a town named Oswego (which may have a small lake, I don't know), but I'm not sure there's a Lake Otswego. And, you don't quote lake names.

Watch your timeline. Rocco awoke after battlefield sedation...so he's likely still in Iraq. At most, he's at Ramstein in Germany or something if them kept him in a medical coma. Either way, morning for them would be the middle of the night for his mother. The military wouldn't notify her of her son's injuries in the middle of the night; they'd do it during the day. So, why did she wait until the middle of the night to call the chaplain? She wouldn't.

Further on timeline, if he's in Iraq, then the letter was sent to Iraq (if he's in Germany, the letter wouldn't have followed him until PCS). How did she know to call on the exact day that it would be delivered 2-3 weeks later (average delivery time to an APO)? It's a plot hole.

Finally, if you're going to write a military story, get the forms of address down. Especially for Marines. The word "Sir" never appears in his responses and it should. "Father" is an acceptable substitute when addressing a chaplain, but that only appears once in five interchanges. The profanity doesn't fly from a Lance Corporal to an officer, at least without an apology; it's not the battlefield. Actually, I doubt they'd fly from a good Catholic boy to even a civilian priest without apology, even if that boy is lapsed.

Though this was not even a one page flash story*They are supposed to be selfcontained. One month after he started risking his life and she starts giving

attention to an old boy friend?? Off with her head!

Wow...Looks like I really fucked up this STORY! My apologies. Ouch. I should have posted the whole story all at once. Hopefully part 2 will make up for it. Good thing my income doesn't depend on my writing skills!

Heartbreak Ridge!

Very good so far with Page being a bit of a flake, engaged twice did something wrong both times and now what? Good set up but I hope there is more to the story in chapter 2.

I gave you 5* because the story was worth every dollar I spent on it ;-)

happens every war, every peace action where they are sent and assigned..TK U MLJ LV NV

so far so good

15th Marine Expeditionary Force (MEF) does not exist. 1st MEF was the operational HQ for all Marines in theater. 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU - about 900 infantry Marines + reinforcements) were there, but had no reservists. New York infantry Reservists would have been part of 2nd Marine Expeditionary Brigade (MEB) as reinforcements to that ~5,000 Marine unit. (2nd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment from Garden City had company sized units reinforcing the MEB, iirc.)

For what it’s worth USMC Squads were 13 Marines (just changed to 10 this year).

Platoons have ~40, Companies ~ 220, Battalions ~ 900. A battalion is the ground combat element of a MEU. A MEB has a Regiment (3 battalions) as the baseline GCE, a MEF has at least a Division (2 and up Regiments).

"How to describe Page? One phrase does it: built like a brick shithouse. Perhaps the best way is to think of the actress Jennifer Love Hewitt."

WTF? Jennifer Love Hewitt - built like a brick shithouse? That's really not what that phrase means. I've used that exact phrase for more than forty-five years and my grand parents much longer than that. It properly describes someone (usually a man) that is literally a walking wall of muscle and bone. Used for a woman, you'd be describing the look of an female East German weightlifter from the eighties. Jennifer Love Hewitt is many things but a brick shithouse in NOT one of them.

On another note, kudos for Gunney Highway! Heartbreak Ridge is a great film.

Thanks for the read. 4*

When Police Officers in New York city die in the line of duty their Widows get a pension equal to what they were making while on the job . Also the Orphans and Widow fund send all the children to college , free of charge .

Been there, had that same letter.Waiting to see where it goes from here. Gunny Highway won't let him falter. Hope he's like me, I had my revenge and it was all on ex and her boy. No BTB, but did severely singe the bastard. Keep going, don't drag it out too much though.

I mean we’re only at Strike 1, no?

"Page was a walking wet dream."

This is a descriptive term that has been beaten to death here.

Looking forward to future parts of the story! Thanks for sharing.

Hope you take them in the spirit they are intended.

You actually have some writing ability, so please, don’t take a lot of the one line criticism to heart. You get better with practice, and that’s what you need to do. Keep going. You’ll find your rhythm and style before long.

Firstly, you published in Loving Wives, which is the hardest place to publish. Believe me:) there are experts in everything you care to mention here - witness the weapon corrections.

I’ve learned the hard way that some research is a good idea for anything that you aren’t entirely sure on. A quick glance at a wiki page is usually enough; if not, ask. Todd (who writes the Shack stories) is always available, as am I. You just have to reach out and ask.

Your timelines need a little work - I tend to plot the events over time to ensure mine work, and even then, I get it wrong. It’s very easy to get slightly wrong, which means a lot of attention needs to be paid to it.

But keep at it. You have talent and the ability to tell a story. Practice makes perfect.

If you are writing using Microsoft word, pay attention to the word count. About 3500 to 3700 words makes a full page on Literotica. That’ll help you with your chapter breaks.

Thanks Reed. I really did think that chapter 1 was more than one page. Good suggestion. I'll look at word count next time. Part 2 has already been submitted and it is longer than part 1.

Can't hardly wait.

I fucken predicted that this site would become a dating site for slut wives!

As for the story...So far so Good!...★★★★★ WOOF!

I'm with most people here: Page did him a huge favor by walking away.

It could have been worst - the ex wouldn't have moved to San Diego, and she would have truly cuckolded him. Now, it's basically like a girlfriend who cheated on him... with a ring on it.

Sucks, but boy does it happens everyday, especially in the military - "Dear John" letters are a relationship cliché on the same level than "best-friend-fucking-the-wife' or 'coming-home-early/catch-her-cheating', because, damn, they're so goddamn true. Always ask myself why so many men in the army wifed themselves up - sure, it makes them fight for something to go back home to, but isn't it worst if that something ain't even there when you get back?

I guess the Loving Wives part of that story will come later on. Well written, but, once again like a lot of other commenters already noted, I don't understand why this need to be in three separate parts if even one chapters was this short. At this point, might as well put all of the chapters in one single post.

I like the MC, though - Rocco is hard to dislike (so far...); hopefully, the third strike won't be him giving up on love. Waiting to see how it turns out.

When an LW story starts with a Navy seal or a genius, it's guaranteed to be a pile of shit.

She saved you a lot of hurt.once you get on with your life.

sure the sob knows you fucked her. "Yeah I'll miss the pussy but I don't need a woman who can't be trusted. Good luck with that."

Gunnery Sergeant Tom Highway ?????

Really ?

If he and Mickey Mackay were teammates and both graduated from the same university with a 4 year Bachelor degree, how come Mickey is a Lt jg and he is just a LCpl.

The Marine Corps promotes you to OCS if you have a degree, unless you specifically decline the advantage.

I do like his father's back up duty gun saving him. Tough pulling off a head shot with a snub nose .38 but it can be done. Some luck and some skill together.

Thanks for your question. First, as a chaplain, Fr. Mickey gets instant officer status. As for Rocco as a Lance Cpl., remember, he was in the reserves during college. Let's just say he had no interest in OCS, does that help?

USMC Vietnam 67-68

21. Men 18 and 19 or kids?

Grew up?

Some did some didn't

How handle?

Different based on maturity

Again. This one brings back old memories best forgotten a long time past.

Keep it going .AAA+++

The opening scene in Iraq was described well, but then came the wooden dialogue and the predictable plot, so this yarn crashed and burned for me. 3 stars.

No judgment

Waiting for part 2

Nicely written so far

I to am not sure about the AR15 either

I expected at M14 or M16

If you’re going to write about the military, and firearms, please do basic research to get them right.

You don’t get to take a personal weapon with you overseas, and into a combat zone.

Do you send in the 'cavalry' or the 'calvary'? On the battlefield, one should send in the cavalry, which is the word for an army component mounted on horseback. The similarly spelled word calvary however, refers to a depiction of the crucifixion, or, more recently, to an experience of usually intense mental suffering.

I read the same story 5 times why did you keep posting it. IT WAS A BITBORING THE FIRST TIME, it didn*t get aot better with repeating.