All Comments on 'The Hotel Room'

This isn't a story, but a scene. There are a lot of punctuation errors but they probably won't bother many people. The big problem is with this trendy "You" format, so popular in fanfiction. It has a number of drawbacks. We, the readers, can't possibly know what the "you" in the story is thinking or feeling.

"Were you nervous, excited or both? Did you think I would turn into a wild animal?

Get you to do things you weren't sure about? Or was I more the gentle lover? The perfect gentleman? (WERE) you pleased I was something in between?"

Who knows the answers to any of those questions? Not us, because they never talk.

Another drawback is that the readers are being told they're doing all these things. Male readers who have neither vaginas nor breasts can't identify with the female character. I, as a woman, am being told I'm doing all these things, which I'm not.

It's hard to get into because both people remain nameless and we know nothing about them, except that she has long hair and big breasts. They have no conversation of any kind other than "Suck them" and "Fuck me". I assume they met online for the express purpose of sex only, but I don't know. Are one or both married and need to sneak around? Are they nervous? Do they feel guilty? Are they young? Middleaged? Slim, chubby, athletic? Two faceless, anonymous people have constant vanilla sex (not a criticism. I like vanilla!) in every inch of a hotel room and the only descriptions are of the acts performed. I'm sure there are people who will love this, but it did zero for me. I strongly suggest using third person in any other stories.

I took the time to give you a long, helpful and thoughtful critique of this, and I see you deleted it in a snit. Now people on the forum are saying the same things I did - although I was kinder about the plethora of grammatical and other errors - but you can't delete their comments. What you need to do is say you only want praise. Wanker.

I took the time to give you a long, helpful and thoughtful critique of this, and I see you deleted it in a snit. Now people on the forum are saying the same things I did - although I was kinder about the plethora of grammatical and other errors - but you can't delete their comments. What you need to do is say you only want praise. Wanker.

Maybe the Literotica moderators did. I’ve been asleep, there’s an 8 hour difference. I’m a new writer. It takes time. You take on criticisms and you learn. That’s how it works. As an Anonymous user do you even submit yourself, I wonder. But no I did not delete any comments.

The “you” in the story, isn’t “you” the reader” - it’s the girl. In order to understand that (and I admit this might be me, assuming) he (the story teller) is thinking back about that night. He is waiting by his phone, wondering what he did or didn’t do wrong. The girl’s perspective on this is immaterial to the story. She does not even have a name, br does the storyteller. That’s on purpose. (I have written others with a female perspective). It doesn’t work as a third-person persepective. It also doesn’t work if you put yourself in the “you” perspective. It’s an internal monologue. It’s only right at the end that you realise what situation he is currently in. That’s also on purpose. Whether it works for you or not is your interpretation.

You also say this is “trendy” and a thing you don’t particular like, that I should write in third person in the future. That’s your opinion, which you are welcome to, but you don’t have the right to tell me how I should write. I choose the style to fit the story. Sorry, but it’s not solely for you, I find that attitude a bit selfish. Like I said, this does not work in third person (I tried it). Also I wrote this three years ago so I don’t see how anything written then can follow a trend now.

You say it’s not a story - it’s a scene. No, it’s a short story and it’s self contained. I’ve no intention of turning it into a novel. It takes place in two locations. Where he lives and where they were. It does not have to be any longer than it is. Again I have another story which might turn into a serial but we’ll see how that first part is received. It also happens to be in third person.

I really take on board the graphic language of the girl but I can say from experience, that language has been used and exactly like that with me. So I merely appropriated it.

I do value criticism (even if it’s brutal) - it’s what makes me strive to be a better writer. I did just want to give you an outline of the thought process that went into the story and to explain why I wrote it the way I did. 🙂