All Comments on 'True Family Love Ch. 01'

Accept the comments. Don't get defensive and make excuses. Learn from the remarks people have for this story.

It reads like you wrote it while editing, re-editing, and re-re-editing, all before you'd finished it the first time. In other words, you've got some pretty confusing sentences in there. Slow down while trying to cram a whole handful of thoughts into one sentence. And read your finished sentences out loud to make sure they actually make sense.

That's the first part of the critique. Here's the second: Write an outline first. "My subject is going to stay at his aunt and uncle's house. First: He packs for his stay. He drives there. He arrives. He chats with his aunt..." And so on. I know it sounds lame, but it sets the framework for your story. It keeps you "on track". AFTER you have a beginning, a middle, and an end for your story, you FILL IN the details. "He chats with his aunt" becomes actual dialog.

When your story jumps all over the place because your attention is all over the place, it makes it hard for the reader to enjoy what they're trying to read. To keep the story flowing, and to avoid those "distractions" in the story, stick to your outline. If you need to add an important detail that you just realized you'd forgotten, or that just occurred to you, don't just stick it in at the first opportunity: Go back through your outline and decide where it would have gone if you HAD incorporated it from the beginning. THEN figure out how to smoothly fit it in to your story in such a way that your readers won't realize that's what you did. The things you "added in" while you were editing just don't "blend".

Finally, dialog is a killer. Your dialog in this story was horrible. Generally, where new authors are concerned, characters in stories should speak in one of two ways: Speak normally, the way you'd speak if you were just chatting with someone. NOT the way you wrote the dialog in this story. This method is a little more forgiving in terms of proper grammar and diction. The second way is to speak a little more formally. By that. I mean the way you'd speak if you had the time to really consider what you were going to say next. Like, if you were composing a letter to a family member or friend. Still casual, still normal, but more thought put into your choice of words. If that makes sense. And when you hone your skills as a writer, you can branch out and try different methods, but these two techniques are the simplest to use and use correctly for someone who is new to composing stories. Okay?

The way your characters in this story speak to one another? Totally unrealistic. Completely unbelievable conversations. Which, again, pulls your reader out of the story. You want them to become invested in your story, your plot, your characters. It's called "suspension of disbelief", and if you pull it off, it makes your reader really identify with what they're reading, to the point that they "forget" they're reading, and just immerse themselves in what you've written.

I hope you try your hand again, but with a little more finesse. Good luck.

I thank you all even tho The comments made me cry abit, but that's the beauty of being a writer. You learn from your mistakes. Please if you have ANY other comments that you think might help please email me directly at eternallovendamnation@gmail.com. Yes this was my first one but it gave me no excuse not to give it my all.

hi, well doone for having a go. the baloney pony is mostly right in his comments..I was enjoying the story until the aunt goes from slapping a boys face to giving him a blow job in 10 minutes, apparently turned by a pretty unpersuasive dialog about this not being sex but about love.NEVER would happen that fast.... should have built the sexual tension over a few days .....anyway....well done for giving it a go

The affair started to quickly to be believable.

Perhaps if he found out his uncle wasn't able to perform sexually and his aunt was sexually stressed, and he showed her that he was the man to take care of her sexual needs would have made the story more believable, and a better read.

Perhaps if the story continues, the author can have him to seduce his aunt and fuck her. He then could give her what she needs, and make her happy.

"You're just after my body!"

"Um, no, I also, um, love you."

"Oh, I was completely wrong about you. Let's fuck!"

Ugh.

Yeah, it started a little quick and could get deeper, but I'm sure your next story will be a sizzler. Keep writing. It's got potential to be better.

If your exploringthelove angle in this it has to be more developed. cant just jump into love, but is sexy