Illumination

"Picture frames mostly, the ones without me in them..."

I turned away from Carla and continued the search through my old home. I found several rooms that were picked through, moving boxes left either folded or taped and ready to be filled. At first I thought my parents might be dead somewhere in the house, but upon further search I came to the conclusion that they had left town. I found no note for me, and no indication as to where they were going. The last room I looked in was their bedroom; I guess I had been saving it for last. A part of me was hoping to find them there. My mom liked to sit in the rocking chair by the window while she read her books, but the chair was still as stone. I walked over to it and wiped off the film of dust from the top.

A weird pain began to form in my chest, and my throat caught. I turned around to sit on the bed, but something crunched under my foot. I lifted my foot to see I stepped on broken glass. I looked around for the source and found a picture frame lying face down next to the bedside table on my dad's side of the bed. I flipped over the frame and found jagged pieces of glass still stuck in the frame. Behind the shards of glass a picture was placed, containing a very young version of myself with my mom and dad holding me. I collapsed on the floor and hugged the frame to my chest. I hadn't known I was crying until drops of my tears fell onto my jeans, darkening the light fabric where they landed.

I remember my parents telling me that I hardly cried as a baby, perfectly content most of the time. As I got older, I didn't cry when I had gotten hurt from falling off my bike. I took one look at my bloody knee and then assessed the pain. I took off running soon after, my mom holding a first aid kit. She always told me I was her strong man, stronger than my father.

"Ian?" a voice asked behind me.

I looked up to find Carla standing there, her hand halfway stretched out to me, as if she were hesitant about touching me. I assumed she didn't want to scare me.

"They're gone, Carla. They uprooted and left behind any trace of me. Why do I feel this way? Why am I crying, Carla? I hated my parents. They must have hated me too, by the looks of it."

"Oh, Ian... Do you honestly believe that you hated your parents?" Carla came closer and wiped away my tears and showed them to me; they glistened on her fingers. "This is proof that you loved your parents. I know the three of you never saw eye-to-eye, but they were your parents. They might not have been graceful in gaining your favor, but I'm sure they were just looking for a way to have something in common with you. You were very different from them, Ian. But hating them? No, I don't believe that."

Carla wrapped her arms around me in the warmest embrace I ever remembered having. She truly cared for me, and I loved her like the mother I was meant to have. I pulled back from her and kept her at arm's length. "I have to keep this baby, Carla. I need this baby more than anything now. And even more, this baby needs me. Like me, it will be abandoned by its mother but I won't do that. We need each other. I won't let the life I created grow up without knowing who I am, and knowing all the love I have to give it."

"I'm on your side, Ian. We'll talk to Paul and once we pull at his heartstrings, he won't be able to say no. He loves you like a son..."

________________________________________

Things completely changed for me when Paul gave me his permission. I talked onto the phone with Mindy for hours that night. She told me all about the appointments, and I told her I would be by her side at every one of them. Mindy's parents insisted on buying the crib and other essentials that the baby would need. Steve and I took a gift card filled with cash that we would need and bought a great looking crib and changing table. I think Steve was thrilled that I was going to be a dad, even at my age. We stood in front of baby clothes, though we didn't know the gender of the baby yet, we held up adorable little girl outfits and awesome boy outfits. I held a cute onesie in my hands, staring down at it with tears in my eyes.

"Steve, you're going to be an uncle to my child. You're not only my best friend, you're my brother. I love you, man."

Steve looked up at me from the boy clothes with a wide-eyed expression. "Shit man, you're going to make me cry. Seriously, stop talking like this! Asshole..." Steve started to walk away from me, but shot me a look over his shoulder and said, "I love you too, man."

I hung up the onesie I had been holding and let myself smile.

I went to every appointment with Mindy like I had promised, and at one of them we were told we could know the gender of the baby if we wanted. Mindy turned her head away and said she didn't want to know but that I did. Once Mindy left the room after the appointment, I hung around to ask the gender. It was going to be a girl! I was absolutely thrilled. I couldn't wait to hold my precious baby girl in my arms for the first time...

I spent a long time looking at names in books and their meanings. They all seemed really generic so I couldn't bring myself to name my daughter a name a lot of other girls would have. I had the perfect name for her that I thought of on my own, because of what she had done to me. My daughter was born several days early from the suspected due date, but she turned out to be completely healthy and beautiful. The doctor said that she must have been eager to meet her daddy! She was put in my arms right away after she was cleaned up; Mindy refused to look at her, but I knew that she was crying. I felt bad for Mindy, but she had made her decision and I wouldn't force anything on her.

I was sitting in the nursery with my new daughter, cradling her against my warm body. I looked down at her face, so peaceful in sleep. I said, "I love you so much, Lumin." The RN in the room looked at me and smiled, "Why did you name her Lumin?" she asked. I watched Lumin's face as I spoke softly, "I wasn't sure where I was going with life for a long time. I was just living and doing what I wanted. What I have done led up to this point. When I found out I was going to be a dad, she illuminated this light within me that I didn't know existed, a light I never knew I had been searching for. I knew from that point I was going to be the best dad I could be to this little girl from now to forever..."

________________________________________

A crack of thunder brought me back from my Reflections and I realized that I had tears in my eyes. I looked over at the other hammock across the porch at my daughter, Lumin. She wore a pair of blue plaid pajama pants she picked up the last time we were at the mall and a Mishka t-shirt from his latest concert I took her to; she often told me that I looked like him. She must have felt my stare because she opened her eyes and meet mine with a smile, though it soon faded.

"Are you crying, dad?"

I smiled and hastily wiped them away with the back of my hands. "I can't help it, love."

My daughter raised herself from the hammock and padded lightly across the porch. I scooted over in my hammock as best I could to accommodate her. She snuggled herself against me and told me how much she loved me. The cool breeze of the storm brewing swayed the hammock we shared, and our breathing became shallow and even. We fell asleep like that, me holding the most precious thing in my life. We weren't asleep long before the clouds finally broke apart and soaked us with fat raindrops before we could make it into the house. I carried in a laughing Lumin and set her down; she went to the bathroom and got us towels to dry off with. I was sitting on the arm of the couch when she returned, the guitar I had since age 12 in my hands, playing the lullaby I wrote when she was just a baby.

"I always loved that song," Lumin stated when she came back in the room, arms loaded with two fluffy towels. "I wish I could play stuff like that." She sat down next to me on the couch and listened to me play her song.

"You have to practice, Lu..."

Lumin groaned, "Dad, you know that I practice every day."

"You'll grasp it eventually, honey."

Lumin rolled her eyes, wishing she had already grasped it. She really envied my talent but I knew she adored listening to me play and sing. I set my guitar down on the stand and held out my hand for her. She tossed the unused towel aside when she saw I wasn't going to use it, and then took my hand. I began to dance us slowly around the room; I had taught Lumin the waltz many years ago when she used to dance with me by standing on my feet. Now she knew the steps on her own and followed my lead trustingly.

"Dad, we don't have any music!" she blushed.

I smiled down at her. "You're right, my dear..."

I whistled a short intro before I began to sing a song that had been stuck in my head for days...

Wonderful, Wonderful – Johnny Mathis

"Sometimes we walk hand in hand by the sea/

And we breathe in the cool salty air/

You turn to me with a kiss in your eyes/

And my heart feels a thrill beyond compare/

Then your lips cling to mine, it's wonderful, wonderful/

Oh, so wonderful my love/

Sometimes we stand on the top of a hill/

And we gaze at the Earth and the Sky/

I turn to you and you melt in my arms/

There we are darling, only you and I/

What a moment to share, it's wonderful, wonderful/

Oh, so wonderful my love/

This world is full of wondrous things, it's true/

But they wouldn't have much meaning without you/

Some quiet evening, I sit by your side/

And we're lost in a world of our own/

I feel the glow of your unspoken love/

I'm aware of the treasure that I own/

And I say to myself, it's wonderful, wonderful/

Oh, so wonderful my love/

And I say to myself, it's wonderful, wonderful/

Oh, so wonderful my love/

I whistled a quick outro and dipped Lumin low. I held her there safely in my arms, knowing she always had a fear that she would slip from my grasp, but I would never let that happen. I kept my gaze upon her, the shadow of a smile playing on my lips. My face was close to Lumin's, and after a long moment she craned her neck up to bring her face closer to mine. I didn't move; I didn't know why I didn't move, I was stuck in this moment with her. Lumin pressed her lips lightly to mine and kissed me in a way a father and daughter shouldn't kiss. It was long and unhurried and incredibly soft, like the way I remembered kissing Mindy for the first time. After several slow heartbeats, I tore my lips away from my daughter. I pulled us up straight and let go of her, backing away until the back of my legs hit the couch.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. I couldn't meet Lumin's eyes, so I spoke to my bare feet. A chill went through the length of my spine as the sensation of my daughter's lips lingered on my own.

"I don't know," Lumin said. "The proximity of our bodies combined with the beautiful song you were singing, it felt like the right thing to do. I love you! I'm sorry!" My precious daughter had tears in her beautiful eyes. I felt my heart breaking.

I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her, holding her head to my chest as she cried. I consoled her, telling her that it was okay.

"I know that you love me, Lu, but are you in love with me?" I feared her response.

Lumin pulled back, though her hands still gripped me. "No! No! I swear!"

"It's okay; I'm just trying to understand."

"Listen to me, dad. The kiss happened in the heat of the moment. You're a special man to me. You've been by my side for nineteen years. I'm not going to lie to you; I really enjoyed kissing you like that. I'm old enough to understand how to decipher my feelings."

She may know how to decipher her feelings, but I was having one hell of a time trying to figure this entire situation out. I kept the promise to myself that I would be the best father I could be to Lumin. I had several girlfriends throughout her life, but they never lasted because I was so focused on my daughter. The women became jealous that I wanted to spend more time with my daughter than with them, so they left me. Every time a new woman came into our life, Lumin thought she might finally have a mother. She knew all about Mindy, I made sure she knew and understood the situation early in her life. Lumin was strong. I trusted she knew what she was doing. I never hovered over her, but I was completely happy giving her as much of my time as so desired. If she wanted to be alone, I would leave her to her own devices. I stopped looking for women to be with because it turned out to be a disappointment to everyone.

"Do you want to be with me, sexually?" I asked. Again, I feared her answer.

Lumin thought for a moment and responded with, "Is that so wrong, dad?"

"Society says it's wrong. The law says it's wrong."

"How does society and the law know what every individual feels?" She crossed her arms.

"I know that you raise a valid point, but do you really want to cross that line? Things won't ever be the same again, Lumin." I wrapped my hands around her upper arms and looked my daughter in the eyes.

"I honestly believe that things won't change between us. We're very close, and I know this will only bring us closer. I'm not asking to sleep in your bed every night. I'm not asking to be your lover. I just want to share something special with you, will you trust me?"

My mind raced a mile a minute, but there were no words in my mind to counter her argument. Truth be told, I trusted my daughter more than anyone in the world. After much arguing against myself, I made my decision and picked up Lumin. The corners of her lips twitched as if she were refusing to smile. I carried my beautiful daughter to my bedroom and closed the door with my foot. I set her gently on the end of my bed and then closed my slatted windows to keep out the rain. The glass was a blue/green in color and opaque in nature, so I didn't have any window coverings. I enjoyed the sound through the closed windows.

I turned to face Lumin and found her standing with shoulder resting against the bedpost. I closed the space between us, but only gazed at her once I was in front of her. I moved a strand of her blond hair behind her ear, amused how messy it was from sleep.

"This is your last chance, love..." I told her but she just rolled her beautiful ice blue eyes. I wanted to take that as my cue to move forward, but I think a part of me was hoping Lumin would back down so we wouldn't have to cross this line, though I also think part of me wanted this too. In fact, I know I do... but was I took indulgent of a parent to give her this? Those thoughts plagued my mind for a long moment before I cleared it completely and cupped Lumin's head in my hands, tilting it back. I leaned down and kissed my daughter deeply, till we were both gasping for air. She smiled lovingly at me, but no smile tugged at my lips. I resumed kissing her, playing my lips leisurely against my daughter's, scrapping my teeth along her pouty lower one. I had smelled the scent of her cherry lip balm when she first kissed me in the living room, now I definitely tasted it on my tongue. I tugged her lip between my teeth, pulling until it could stretch no further, and soothed it with my tongue when it escaped my grasp.

I kept one hand on the back of Lumin's head, my fingers tangling in her hair. I slid my other hand down her lower back and ended up wrapping my arm tight around her waist. Lumin was pressed tightly against me now. I always savored the nearness of my daughter, but this felt different. Now, I know she could feel how hard she made me. If this never happened again, I know this is how my memory would remain, her effect on me this way.

I gripped the handful of Lumin's hair I had and pulled on it lightly to shift the position of her head to gain access to her neck, and then I kissed along her collarbone and nibbled my way up her neck. I smiled as I nipped at her earlobe, listening to her breathy moans. I ran my tongue along the curvature of her ear, her sexy little ear that I loved so much.

Lumin forced her hands between our bodies; I could feel her starting to unbutton my shirt. I loosened my hold on her and removed my hand from her hair. I watched her closely as she finished unbuttoning my shirt and gazed at my chest. I dropped the arm holding her to my side as she pushed the shirt from my shoulders and pulled it slowly off my body. She took it and rested it on the back of my mother's old rocking chair, and then she brought her hands up to my shoulders and felt the tight dark skin.

"I'm jealous of the freckles on your shoulders," she said. "I love the way they lighten in the sun."

"You have the same kind of freckles," I told her. Lumin looked at me curiously, so I grasped the hem of her t-shirt and lifted it up her body. She held up her arms so I could remove the shirt completely; underneath she wore a black bikini top that was a bandeau halter style, but I didn't know for sure; I'm not the kind of man who keeps track of all the different styles. I trailed my fingertips lightly down the soft skin of her back, tempted to unhook the back strap but I continued onto where her freckles rested. I stopped at Lumin's lower back, above the band of her pants, tracing the area with my fingers. "Right here," I whispered. Lumin looked me in the eyes and stood on her toes to kiss me once softly on my lips. She wrapped her arms around my back and held me close, her cheek resting against my chest. I was sure she could feel the fast pace of my beating heart. While she held me, I brought my hands back around her and unclasped the back strap of her top. The straps fell forward, and I slid my hands up to her neck and plucked a string until the bow came undone. Lumin held the garment in place when she backed away from me.

"What are you waiting for?" I asked. I was smiling, but hoping she wasn't backing down.

Lumin grinned. "Nothing, I'm just prolonging your anticipation." The bathing suit dropped to my bedroom floor, and my breath caught in my throat at the sight of my daughter's chest. They were breathtaking, bigger than I ever thought they were. That was probably because before this moment, I never thought about the size of them or ever thought about paying attention to them; now I wasn't sure I could give them all the attention they deserved.

"They're perfect," I mused.

I stepped forward to cup my daughter's beautiful breasts in my hands. I tweaked her fat, pink nipples between my fingers and she moaned in response. I kissed Lumin softly on her lips, then trailed sweet, soft kisses down her neck and along her collarbone. I continued kissing down to the nipple of her left breast and let my tongue swirl around it. Lumin gasped, and then let out a sexy moan as she ran her fingers through my dark hair; the breathy moan caused my dick to twitch in my pants. While I sucked on my daughter's precious nipples, I started to unbuckle my belt. Lumin said, "Dad, let me..."

Smirking, I watched as Lumin got down on her knees in front of me. With her own smirk, she kept her striking gaze on my face as she finished unbuckling my belt. She gasped playfully the moment she unbuttoned my jeans. There was a quick flash in her eyes but I didn't have any time to think about what it might mean before Lumin started to pull down my jeans. I hardly wore any underwear unless we were going out in public, so the moment my jeans passed my hard cock it sprang free and almost hit my daughter in her sweet and beautiful face. "Holy shit, dad!" she said. Lumin caught my cock in her hand before it hit her in the face, grasping it firmly at the base. She looked up at me and she had a thrilled expression on her face.

"This is a good looking cock, dad!" Lumin said enthusiastically. She moved her hand leisurely along the length of my shaft as she admired my thick piece of 'daddy meat'. I thought of that term and felt my cock grow just a little more in my daughter's hand. I couldn't believe my daughter was having this effect on me, but I loved it more as this progressed...