Slow Dancing with a Fast Woman

We talked, and after fifteen minutes I let him go, pulled the bottle of straight rye whiskey I'd picked up earlier for the bar at my new house, and we proceeded to get drunk. I woke when the sun hit my face, sitting up to see him holding the .32 and staring at me. Fear shot through me as he grinned. He lay the pistol in the tool box.

"You're right. It ain't much of a weapon. Still, I'd hate to get shot by one."

So we had another talk, again on the tailgate of the truck. I apologized again, surprised when he brushed it off. "I always knew it was coming. Sooner or later, the age difference and the fact that we liked few of the same things was going to come into play. That and the fact that I'm gone every weekend. She had plenty of time to play."

Well, that explained her free time. He was an over the road trucker, specializing in hazardous loads that were best moved over weekends and at night to avoid as much traffic as possible. It paid really well, but kept him away from home Thursday night until Sunday night.

"What are you going to do?"

He looked at me in surprise. "Divorce her, for sure. She's yours now, if you still want her."

I had drunkenly confessed my marriage proposal to him. I shrugged. "How could I trust her? This is the second time something like this has happened to me. No, we're done. It hurts, but I know from experience it can be gotten over."

I drove him back to his car, reminding him to get his pistol as he got out. "You keep it. I don't think I need it around, reminding me it could have gotten me killed."

As he got into his vehicle, I asked him again what he was going to do. "You're lucky. You get to just walk away. I have to go through a divorce. Gonna try to keep it simple, no fault, you go your way and leave me the hell alone type deal. No kids, so it shouldn't be messy."

"If it does, get in touch, tell her you're going for adultery and I'll appear as a witness for you. That might make it easier."

He looked up in surprise, and slowly held out his hand. I reached out the truck window and shook it.

"Sorry, dude," he said, as he cranked up and drove away. I watched his tail lights disappear. "Me too," I said to empty space, before going in the opposite direction.

I went over to Gram's house, got into the RV and drove away.

...

I wasn't hiding from anyone, but I knew I needed to let a little time go by before I talked to her. It wasn't in my nature to hit a woman, but I wasn't above a little verbal slicing and dicing. I pulled in to a rest stop and sent her an email.

"Melody,

I'm not running away, but you really, really don't want to be around me right now. Don't look for me. I'm out of town and will be until next weekend. I'll be taking this time to reflect on our relationship. You do remember it, don't you? The one based on lies? Give me a call next weekend, and if I can keep my anger in check I'll try to actually listen to anything you have to say. Don't expect me to believe a lot of it, though."

She sent me a short answer immediately. "Thank you for at least agreeing to let me talk. There's a lot of stuff about me that you didn't know that I'd like to tell you. Unless you say otherwise, Ill be at your house next Saturday at four. And Jess, believe it or not, I do love you."

I thought and brooded all week. My guys knew a little of what was going on, so they forgave me for being a flaming asshole for the first few days. As Saturday approached, my sense of dread increased.

At least she didn't dress up, or try to entice me into bed. She had on jeans and a simple top, and was still the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. I was actually pleased to see, even with make up, how red her eyes were.

I didn't let her get past the kitchen, making her sit across from me at the kitchen table she'd spent two weeks trying to decide if it was the perfect one.

She started to speak but I held up my hand. "Ground rules. Don't tell me how much you love me, don't waste our time with a lot of apologies. Just explain it to me. Why were you out hitting bars, hooking up with guys while you were married? Do you really think I can go forward, wondering where you're at while I'm away working? You could crawl out of bed with someone else and be all showered and fresh when you welcome me home, dragging me up to bed for a shot of sloppy seconds. Could you live like that if it was you wondering?"

Tears came out, and she sobbed quietly for a few minutes before she got it together. The look of defeat was total.

"I've already lost you, haven't I?"

I didn't answer her, so she squared her shoulders, looked me in the eyes and started.

"I don't think it matters anymore, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I was raised dirt poor, the term 'trailer park trash' kind of sums up my childhood. Mom left before I was old enough to remember me, so I was raised by my Dad and two older sisters. I was an oops baby, born when both my parents were in their late thirties. My sisters were just hitting their teens when I arrived. Pop was a functioning alcoholic, and he never once, in the whole time he was alive, told me he loved me."

She sighed, remembering.

"He finally died of liver disease just after I turned eighteen. My sisters had families of their own then, one on her second marriage, the other on her third. So you see, there wasn't what you'd call good role models in my life. Then I met Jerry.

I didn't love him, but I respected him, and I knew he'd take care of me. I just knew it would turn into love eventually. We were still doing fine until he took that job."

"I was bored, and lonely. He talked me into going into the nursing program at the community college, just to give me something to focus on. I don't think he ever expected me to graduate, and continue my schooling until I became a registered nurse. But for the first time in my life I had a purpose and a valuable skill. The ER job paid the most money, so I took it. It was intense, demanding, and left me little time to dwell on how my life was going. Jerry was making good money, so I banked most of my salary, intending it to be the down payment for a house."

"Things were still okay until they changed my hours. Now when he was home, I was gone. I made friends, who encouraged me to stop sitting at home and go with them for drinks, maybe some dancing. I still wore my rings, and nobody got to touch me, but it relieved my boredom. I know it doesn't make any difference now, but I was planning on leaving Jerry before I met you. Then I fell in love and lust, and had to have you."

"The first time you kissed me I knew it was over for me and Jerry. I still respected him, but I was never gonna love him. So I got a lawyer and started the paperwork. I was in no hurry, though, wanting to get to know you better. There was no inclination on my part to start a relationship with anyone until I was sure.

I don't expect you to believe me, but I never slept with anyone else until you. You're only the second man I've ever been with, and that's the truth."

She pulled out some papers. "Look at the date. They should have been filed months ago. I just didn't know how to tell him, and the guilt was eating me alive."

"That's why I wanted to wait, honey. I may not be the best person, sleeping with and loving you while I was still married, but there was no way I'd take your ring until I was a free woman. And I was going to tell you, soon. But I was going to wait until after I had moved out, and honestly, I was going to lie a bit about the timeline."

She had talked herself out, waiting.

"You know, I actually believe most of what you're telling me Mel, but there are still some sore spots for me. One, when you realized your feelings, you should have separated right then. Instead you, in my opinion, stayed with Jerry as a fall back plan, just in case I wasn't what you thought you wanted. And you had to still be sleeping with him, even while you were fucking me.

How do you rationalize that to yourself? Or me? But the big thing for me is even if we end up together, I still have to travel for my job. What happens when you get lonely? Will you be going out with your friends, maybe fall into the same situation again? Will I be like Jerry, lurking in parking lots to kill your new lover?"

Her tears got bigger as I talked. I let the air out of my lungs, trying to center.

"It comes down to trust, Mel. If I marry, it will be to a woman I trust heart and soul, one who will always, always, have our best interests at heart. And right now, you're not it. Honestly, I doubt you ever will be. But I'll make you this deal. Get your divorce. Let a little time go by, then give me a call, if you're still interested. Maybe we can start over. We'll see."

That was it. The final act. It took her ten minutes to get back under control. She wanted a kiss, which I refused. I did hug her, and she held so tightly I figured I'd have bruises later. She stood back sniffling.

"I understand, Jess, I really do. And though you don't have much use for my promises right now I'm going to make you one. Doesn't matter if we get back together, you will never, ever, find a woman that loves you more than I do. And one day, maybe years down the road, even if we're not together, I'll find a way to prove it to you."

She turned and left without another word.

...

We only talked twice after that. I was too angry and she was too weepy to hold an intelligent conversation, but she was determined to try.

Finally, she gave up talking directly, and started emailing me once a week or so. She tried to keep it upbeat and chatty, but for at least three months they all ended up with her pleading for another chance. I responded occasionally, if she touched a nerve.

She wrote to me about going into therapy, and how much it was helping her. She even talked Jerry into going with her twice, her only comment was that it was informative.

She started emailing less, maybe twice a month, Finally, seven months later, she stopped. I still have her last one saved, I can't seem to make myself delete it.

"My darling Jess,

I know it bothers you when I use terms of endearment, but this is going to be my very last contact with you, so I'm going to say what I feel, even if you don't like it. I got the papers today. I'm officially a single woman again."

"The second best thing to ever happen to me(I will always consider meeting you the first)was going into therapy. I actually learned who I really was."

"I should have never married Jerry, but I was selfish and looking for a way out of my miserable life. I was too young, too immature, too stubborn to be in an adult relationship. Oh, I went through the motions, but my heart was never really in it. Even without you, my marriage would have died eventually. I think inertia and fear kept me with him."

"My time with Dr. Chu has taught me to throw away my crutches, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life. Jerry was shocked when I told him I wanted none of our joint assets, and sent him a check repaying him for my education. I owed him that much, and more. We didn't exactly part friends, but I don't think he hates me as much now."

"It's kind of funny if you think about it. Remember that lie I told you about living with two more nurses and the no boyfriend rule? I'm living it now, splitting a three bedroom condo with two more nurses. It works for me, even though I'm independent now, I don't think I could stand going home to an empty apartment."

"In honor of my divorce, I'm going to give you a gift. I'm going to let you go. Dr. Chu has helped me realize that if I were you, I'd have a hard time trusting me."

"So, I letting go. I hope you have a good life, and find a woman who loves you as much as I did, as much as I still do."

Mel

I stared at the screen for a long time, finger hovering over the delete button. I didn't want to read it again. It hurt too much. I saved it instead.

So I wandered aimlessly through life. If it hadn't been for work, I would have probably have lost it completely. It took me almost ten months before I went on a date. She was a beautiful woman, the sister of a contractor I did a lot of business with. She was witty, articulate, and seemed to enjoy rubbing her body all over me while we danced. I really enjoyed the evening, but at the end, we both realized there was no spark at all between us. We actually went out twice more before she found someone else and we called it a day.

I saw Mel twice during this time. Once, as I was sitting at a stoplight, I saw her through the window of a little bistro. She was with a group of women, smiling and chattering. I sat so long the guy behind me had to blow his horn to get me to move. Mel glanced up at the noise, looking straight into my eyes as I pulled away.

The next time was at a club. I was on my second date with Tina, and we had just been seated when I noticed her, sitting across the room with four of her friends. She must have felt eyes on her, because she looked up, seeing me. Time stood still as we stared at each other. Actually, it was about thirty seconds, before she burst into tears and ran from the club. Her friends chased after, all but one, who stopped at my table.

"Asshole! Did it feel good, rubbing another woman in her face? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I was actually pretty calm. "Hello to you too, Gwen. I don't want to belittle your point of view, but I'm not shoving anybody in anyone's face. It's been almost a year since Mel and I were together. This is a pretty small town, we were bound to run into each other eventually. Tell her I'm sorry if I upset her, but it's time for her to move on. Goodnight, Gwen."

I turned back to Tina, ignoring her. She stood glowering for a few minutes before she walked off mumbling "asshole" under her breath.

Tina, naturally, wanted the whole story, so I told her. She looked at me and sighed. "You might tell yourself it's over, but I saw the look on your face when you saw her. Even as we talk you're watching the door like a hawk, waiting to see if she comes back. And she's still in love with you, why else would an ex make her cry after almost a year apart? You guys need to clear the air."

I didn't acknowledge her observation. We dated one more time before she met someone she was interested in.

Jerry had started hanging around my cousin's bar. It gave us both the same thing. It was the one place Mel would never enter again. He was actually a stand up guy. As we got friendlier, the guys would razz him for trying to kill me. I told them to lay off.

"He had right on his side. If he hadn't been quite so drunk, he would have been a lot more accurate, and I'd be just a memory."

One night, after quite a few beers, he asked me a question out of the blue. "Do you miss her?"

I knew who he was talking about. There was no use trying to bullshit him. "Every day."

He sighed. "Me too, but not every day. Just time to time, when I see a mutual friend or go by a place we used to enjoy. I had a lot of years tied up in her. You know, I saw one of her nurse friends the other day, one of the few I liked, and we talked for a few minutes. She said they call Melody 'The Nun' because she won't date. She didn't blame it on me, she blamed it on you. Said you had messed her up so bad she couldn't stand the thought of being intimate with another man. She also told me she was in therapy, something I bet you already knew. One of her tasks she assigned herself was to write a letter of apology to everyone she had wronged. In my letter she called it 'purging the demons'. You get anything like that?"

I admitted I had, but didn't elaborate.

"Well, as bad as she fucked over me, I remember the good times. And there at the end, she stood up, admitting her guilt, heck, she even gave me the money back I spent on her nursing degree. I hope she finds someone else, someone who'll treat her nice."

I grunted. Jerry had gotten lucky. The day his divorce became final, one of the dispatchers at his work asked him out. She was a few years older, a war widow, with a fourteen year old boy and a twelve year old girl. They were made for each other, shared the same views, the same beliefs, and he got along great with her kids. He was even an assistant coach on the girls' softball team. He went as far as nagging me and my cousin into sponsoring them. We actually took half the bar and went to a few games and cheered for her by name, embarrassing her no end. But the hug she gave him was genuine, and he looked so proud he could bust. We were already planning his bachelor party.

I was happy for him, sad for me, watching the little girls play, wondering if I'd ever get to be in the stands, cheering my own kid. My chances were getting slimmer, I was thirty-two. My clock was ticking.

So I laid more rock, throwing myself into the business, growing it. There comes a time, though, when you can saturate your market. I was taking on more work than we could do, even after adding more masons. Gram and my sister got on me about it.

"Let someone else have the contract, Jess. Get caught up on what we have. If you don't our quality will slip, the kiss of death in this field. Think of Pop. You want his life's work to disappear?"

It made sense. I stopped taking on more work, even farmed out a few of the smaller projects to competitors I knew would do a good job.

...

I got my business back on an even keel, but wandered personally. I ran into Becca, from college, when she asked me to come out and bid a job. She emailed me, using her married name, so I was surprised when I saw her. She was a little thicker, but still attractive.

Besides being very successful in her own career, by her own admission she had married well.

He was loaded, seven zeros worth according to Becca. She held his arm while she told me this, embarrassing him no end. He was probably ten years older, and they had just had their first child.

What they wanted was pretty elaborate, including a small stone cottage, destined to be a play house. She wanted it built like a Scottish shepherd cottage, one she saw while they were on their honeymoon. We talked, and I agreed to take the contract, if I could do it on my own schedule. I did take two apprentices and a journeyman, and started on the boundary and privacy walls.

I did the preliminary work, laying the lines, selecting the stones. She wanted local field stone, a bit of a trick because there were no local suppliers. I got lucky, buying up some existing walls from an estate, painstakingly marking every rock so I could reassemble it on the new site. There was also a stone chimney on the property, the last remnant of the original house.

I wandered over and looked at it, and saw an example of stonework at it's finest. Every stone, down to the flagstone hearth, shaped and fitted perfectly. It impressed me so much I had Becca come out and look it over, explaining my idea. She was all over it immediately.

I built her a stone patio, with the fireplace as the centerpiece, complete with half walls tapering back in a vee that kept the heat reflected onto the sitting area. It was the perfect thing for cool fall evenings. She sent me a photo years later, of her three children and their friends sitting in front of the fire, roasting marshmallows, as snow fell around them.

An unexpected bonus came when I disassembled it, and found a hiding place beneath the largest hearth stone. It was actually a pretty common practice at the time, the only logical way to store valuables, fire being much more of a risk in those days. There was a wooden cigar box, containing a half full bottle of whiskey, still good because it was stored cork side down, two love letters from the 1870's and a wedding ring. There was a small bag that contained two silver dollars and assorted other change. The letters were from his lover, the one he bought the ring for, but he died in the fire before they married. Technically it was mine since I had purchased it, but I turned it all over the heirs of the estate, who fought over it for a little before donating it to the local historical society. It made the papers, and there was a rash of dug up hearths all over the county. If anyone found anything they didn't say.