Starting All Over Again

Kelli tried to smile but couldn't. The thought of some old men putting their hands on her head and saying a bunch of words 'to give her strength' seemed absurd.

"I can use all the help I can get," she told him. "It's just so hard to even get out of bed let alone care about anything, you know?"

"Many of us have been hurt in this way, Sister Powell. The key is to remember how much Heavenly Father loves us and to keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Now, how about we pray together?"

Kelli bowed her head and said 'amen' when he finished, but for the first time since she'd joined the Mormon Church, something hit her like a ton of bricks. That 'something' was the realization that prayer was nothing more than a bunch of words directed at the other person rather to some Almighty Being 'up there.'

Her prayers had utterly been ignored and the exact opposite of what she'd prayed for had happened. And just now, the bishop's words sounded like a pep talk meant to motivate her rather than a supplication for divine intervention. It all seemed like a bunch of made-up nonsense to her. Some Being intervening on our behalf (sometimes) the Angel Moroni, the gold plates...all of it was nothing but bullsh... She couldn't bring herself to say the word, but that's what her brain was telling her.

The following morning was Sunday and for the first time since she was in high school, Kelli Powell stayed home. Out of a sense of desperation, she found herself on the internet looking for help rather than sitting around all day feel sorry for herself.

She had no real idea where to even begin so she started by searching for things like 'overcoming depression' or 'getting over a breakup.' She spent a couple of hours reading and chasing links and finding herself feeling a slightly less depressed.

After a another hour or so, she experienced feeling something else she'd never really felt before—anger. She was suddenly angry at Mark. She was angry at the Mormon Church. But most of all, she was angry with herself for wasting three years of life with nothing to show for it!

She then typed in 'Mormon Church isn't true' and was amazed at the number of links that popped up. Initially, most of what she found were writings from Christian fundamentalists who considered Mormonism a cult. To them it wasn't even a Christian religion and the emphasis was on de-converting Mormons and turning them into Baptists or Pentecostals. As revealing as that was, like learning how Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were Master Masons and that the Mormon temple ceremony 'just coincidentally' happened to be very much just like the Masonic temple ritual, it still wasn't what she was looking for.

As she scrolled down, a little further she saw something that caught her eye—a site called 'a safe place for ex-mormons'. Almost from the moment she opened it, she realized this might be exactly what she was looking for.

Link after link was one personal story after the other about how each individual came to grips with the realization the Mormon Church wasn't true or at least was no longer for them.

Another four hours passed before Kelli realized she was hungry for the first time in a week. Not just hungry but famished. She went to the kitchen and made the biggest sandwich she'd ever put together. She poured herself a large glass of skim milk, then went back to the computer and kept reading.

Of the 50 or so links she read through or at least skimmed, the one that interested her the most was from a guy who called himself 'Faithless in Utah.'

Like her, he'd had his heart broken by a Mormon whom he'd loved and planned to marry. Similar to her situation with Mark, his girlfriend had gone off to Brigham Young University while he was on his mission to Germany, and had fallen in love with a recently-returned missionary from New England. His only hint of any problem was the 'Dear John' letter he'd received out of the blue informing him how sorry she was, how she never meant to hurt him, the way it 'just happened', and how in love she was with this new man. The similarities were striking as she said to him most of the same things Mark had told her about this...this...slut-girl in Brazil.

Like Mark, she was determined to marry this new love of hers, and the following summer did so in one of the Mormon temples where marriage is supposedly solemnized forever or for 'all time and eternity' as Mormons say. Like Kelli, he had been devastated by the breakup and like her, began wondering how any loving God could ignore his prayers and allow something like this to happen. He'd gone through the motions and finished his two-year stint, but soon after returning home to Salt Lake City, he'd begun investigating his own growing doubts.

Kelli had no idea who this man was, how old he might be, or whether or not he'd since found someone else. All she knew was he was a kindred spirit in her newfound quest for truth or possibly 'escape'. After debating whether or not to contact him for several minutes, she decided to send him a message.

"Dear Unfaithful in Utah,

I've been a member of the Church for some three years now. Recently, my now ex-boyfriend Mark..."

She poured her heart out in the email detailing how she'd devoted her life to faithfully waiting for him, attending church every Sunday, praying, and reading the scriptures. And all for nought as he had been unfaithful to her and the Church. The only thing she didn't share with him was how the relationship began and her battle with nicotine addiction.

"So now I find myself looking for answers and for some kind of healing and for strength. This site has been...dare I say... a 'blessing'? I have no idea how busy you are (nor do I know anything about you for that matter) but after reading your um...testimony...I felt compelled to share my experience with you. Sign me, Hurting in Seattle."

She hit 'send' then went back to the kitchen where her mom was preparing dinner.

"Looks like someone is feeling better," her mom said happily.

"You know what, Mom? I am. I'm feeling a lot better, as a matter of fact."

"I noticed you didn't go to church today. Is...everything okay?" she said.

"Um...yeah. I think it is and for the first time since, you know...I feel hopeful again," she told her mother.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that, honey. Do you feel like helping me make dinner?"

Kelli not only helped her mother, she also ate with her parents, and for the first time in a week, she found herself laughing and almost enjoying herself. Neither her mom nor her dad said too much about it, but she could see the relief in their eyes as their only child slowly came back to them.

She'd had such an enjoyable evening she forgot all about her email and the website until the following morning when she opened her laptop and saw that she had a reply from 'Faithless in Utah.'

She felt a bit like she had on Christmas morning when she was a little girl and even a bit afraid as though she might be doing something very wrong—possibly even sinful—as she clicked on the reply. She was aware her heart was beating faster than normal in anticipation of reading what this stranger had written in his reply when she began reading.

"Dear Hurting in Seattle,

I've received scores of emails from church members looking for help or advice over the last couple of years since I posted that, but yours is the first one that touched me so deeply. Let me say right upfront how sorry I am for you. Losing a love like that is a lot like experiencing the death of someone dear to you. In a sense, it is a kind of death, and the hurt and pain are just as real. Having gone through something very similar, I can assure you that while the hurt is real, I can also promise you it will pass. How quickly it will go away depends on a lot of things, but it will indeed end at some point. And I am equally certain you will one day find someone who will love you for who you are, and you will quite likely find yourself happier than you could have ever imagined.

Clearly, this Mark guy wasn't him, and it seems likely the Mormon Church won't be the place for you to find your new 'Mr. Right.' I could go on for days about my doubts and concerns regarding Mormonism, doubts which led me to request excommunication last year, but I won't bother sharing them with you unless you ask. Just know that I'm here for you and you can feel free to ask me any question at all without fear of judgment. If I can help you in any way on your journey to real truth and peace, please don't hesitate to ask. I wish you all the best, Adam (no relation to the guy in the Garden of Eden story, btw.)"

Kelli read every word quickly then went back and read them again, slowly and carefully before re-reading his reply a third time. Her heart was still beating fast and her mind was going ninety miles an hour. It was all over the map wanting answers to questions, wanting more information about Adam and his journey out of Mormonism. She wanted to know how he got passed his sense of loss and grief, and as silly as it seemed, some part of her yearned to know if somehow, some way, there could be...something more between them. And that is precisely the moment she realized that she was very wet...down there.

Until this week, her first inclination would have been to pray and ask forgiveness. But today, she felt nothing of the sort. In fact, the whole idea of asking forgiveness for something so normal and so natural struck her as...absurd. She also determined then and there that she would use this new fantasy of hers that night to pleasure herself in a way she hadn't done in far too long. And most importantly, she vowed she would feel no shame for doing it.

She sat there for some time mulling over Adam's reply then sat back down and sent him a reply of her own.

"Dear Adam,

I can't tell you how helpful it was to read your reply. Thank you so very much. Doctrinally, I believe I'm already at a point where I think the whole thing is nonsense. I'm not sure I ever really believed it, but love can be a very powerful motivator to get us to do many things. So yes, I'd well...love to know the reasons why you left as that might help me in my decision. :-)

I suppose I mostly just need an understanding, sympathetic friend. Don't worry, I'm not planning on latching onto you like some kind of psychotic stalker. I was just hoping we might be able to stay in touch.

I did have one question, though. How long did it take you to get to the point where you could love again? Or have you gotten there yet? I was so absolutely devoted to this one guy that I haven't even looked at another guy in three years. And now, with all of these rather unusual beliefs clouding my mind, I'm not sure how to proceed, so any advice you might care to offer would be very much appreciated.

PS. I don't why but I'm attaching a pic of myself taken last month. Hopefully I won't scare you away! :-)

Kelli."

Adam Murphy was a 25-year old senior at Utah State University majoring in secondary education. He would be graduating in another two months and already had feelers out looking for a teaching position in the Salt Lake area. He was willing to leave his hometown, but not if that meant moving to some rural area where people saw the world from the narrow, religious perspective he'd once held. He wanted something in between a large, dangerous urban area like Chicago and small-town USA.

He smiled when he saw he had another reply from the sad girl in Seattle and noticed there was an attachment. He opened the email then clicked on the attachment and did a double take.

"Jesus Christ!" he said out loud as he sat there and stared. "That is one of the hottest girls I've ever seen."

Kelli was modestly dressed in a dark-gray skirt that went to the top of her knees and a soft, pretty, light-gray sweater that showed off just how amazing her figure was, but the most beautiful part of the photo was her gorgeous face. She was just flat-out amazingly good looking.

Kelli had long, silky, blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes with a perfect smile and the kind of full, kissable lips any man would love. He couldn't see much of her legs, but what he could see looked just as sensational as everything else.

Adam had been told more times than he could count that he looked like Jakob Dylan, son of the famous singer Bob Dylan, back when he first started recording music for The Wallflowers. The resemblance so uncanny, many of his friends nicknamed him Jake. Nevertheless, he was still a virgin when he went on his mission and remained one when he returned.

That all changed six months later once he finally decided the Mormon Church was a bunch of bullshit. His parents and siblings and most of his friends had been devastated, but Adam was absolutely firm in his decision and never set foot in church again after that.

He was already attending college at the time and working full-time. He found a small studio apartment and moved out of his parents' home and began making up for lost time.

Thanks to those killer good looks and taking very good care of his body, Adam had been able to keep an almost non-stop parade of beautiful girls, women, and even a few married woman going in and out of his revolving bedroom door.

For a year or so, his sexual appetite was insatiable. He'd fuck any nice-looking girl or woman who'd go home with him. But at some point, he found himself inexorably drawn to a certain type of woman, and the stronger the draw became, the less interesting he found woman who didn't fit the mold no matter how attractive they might be. He began willingly having less sex in exchange for better sex with the smaller number of women who came closer to satisfying the things he so desperately wanted and needed.

Kelli was incredibly beautiful and as a Mormon or hopefully, a soon-to-be-ex Mormon, she had the potential to fulfill most of what he so desperately craved but hadn't yet found. Putting the last piece of the puzzle in place was always the hardest. He'd come so close on two different occasions, but had never struck gold. Ever the optimist, he decided to explore the possibility with this extremely attractive young woman. Perhaps this time, lighting would strike.

Adam could actually pinpoint the time and place where both of his fetishes were born. His father had taken him to see a high school baseball game when he was in junior high school. Not far from them was a very attractive blonde girl who was maybe 18. She was wearing a long-sleeved, white, rib-knit sweater which hugged her very feminine body in all the right ways. He remembered the effect it had had on him and that effect only intensified when he watched her smoke a cigarette. She was so feminine and pretty and Adam noticed everything from the way she held it between her long, red nails to the way she let a small amount of smoke escape before inhaling between her very red lips.

He'd watched the long exhale-plumes with total fascination. She was with friends and had no idea he was even looking, but Adam was mesmerized by the image and both of those things had 'gelled' in his brain. It was as though they had been imprinted and from then he would forever associate them with qualities he truly wanted in a future wife.

As a Mormon, smoking was absolutely forbidden. He'd therefore somehow managed to 'stuff' this part of his fantasy world into some deep place in the recesses of his mind. The sweater fetish, or more aptly, any form-fitting knit top, was one he could and did indulge from then on, dating girls who wore them or getting them to wear the kinds of things he liked. Fortunately for him, it was cold in Seattle 10 months of the year so girls and women wore sweaters almost all the time. He quickly learned that being that good looking, as well as being polite and respectful, meant that pretty much any girl he met would happily wear the things he liked. Smoking was another thing altogether and would have to wait.

It had had to wait until he was free of all the religious baggage so that he could finally indulge his other fantasy. He'd dated...and fucked...quite a few women who smoked and most of them were willing to wear what he liked. The problem was this Mormonism bullshit was so deeply ingrained in him, he wanted and needed a wife who was like the women he grew up adoring in church with this one very important exception.

Loud, arrogant, 'mouthy' women were anathema to him. He was all for equal rights, but he wanted a woman who enjoyed being a woman—soft, feminine, pretty, and polite. Not a Stepford Wife. Not a servant. Just someone who had a more traditional view of marriage and the world. What he desired was a kind, sweet, loving, very attractive, very sexy woman who enjoyed (and looked good) wearing what he liked. Oh yeah, and she had to love to smoke.

Many of the women he'd screwed who smoked were feminists and although the smoking was a huge turn-on, their attitude was a huge turn—off.

Finding women with one of those things was very simple. Finding two was a challenge but very doable. Finding the ultimate 'trifecta' was the Holy Grail of his romantic life and this young woman named Kelli was his latest potential opportunity and he was already making plans to feel her out (and possibly feel her up, as well) and see if there was any chance whatsoever she might be his Chosen One.

Adam thought very carefully about what to say in his next reply then wrote:

"Dear Kelli,

You are a truly beautiful young woman. This Mark guy must be out of his mind!

No, I haven't found anyone yet although I have done quite a bit of dating. It's funny how even though I'm no longer a member of the Church, I still find myself longing for a woman, well, a wife, who has the kind of attributes LDS women have. (With a couple of important exceptions.)"

He went on to explain some of the basic reasons he left the Church then told her about his upcoming graduation and future plans. He closed by saying,

"I would very much like to stay in touch. You're not only very attractive physically, but you seem to have many of the other qualities I so deeply value. Who knows, we may even have the opportunity to meet one day.

Oh, I'm attaching a pic of myself, too. As you said, I hope you won't be scared off! Mark."

Kelli didn't have another opportunity to check her email until just before bed and when she did, her heart almost stopped.

"Oh...my...goodness!" she said when she opened his picture. He was one of very few men she'd ever seen who was better looking than Mark Harding.

Then when she read his email that was it. Well, she read it two more times then closed her laptop, turned off the light, and let her fingers 'do the walking.' She pictured herself meeting this gorgeous man for the first time and being kissed hello. As she grew wetter and wetter she imagined a first date and a first kiss and then his hands on her body and hers on his. She hadn't gotten anywhere close to imagining having sex for the first time in her life when her body exploded in shuddering release that came in one pleasant wave after the other.

Kelli bit her lip to ensure no sounds escaped, but her breathing was very deep and her heart was pounding out of her chest as she came very hard.

And that's when she vowed to end this virginity nonsense. She wasn't about to sleep with just any guy, but there had to be a ton of nice guys out there. Guys like...Adam, for instance. And when she met one, he was going to get very lucky. She smiled as she realized, "So will I!"

For the next week, she and Adam exchanged emails discussing both doctrinal issues as well as what might be called 'romantic pleasantries.' There was nothing crass or lewd, but there was quite a bit of innuendo, something both of them were enjoying very much.

The following day, Adam asked if Kelli would might exchanging phone numbers and possibly moving their conversations from email to voice. Thrilled with his proposal, she immediately used the number he sent her and texted hers. Kelli was pretty sure that like her, Adam had been taught that it was the man's place to make the first call, and she was very much onboard with his desire for a more traditional kind of relationship. What she really wanted to know was what these 'exceptions' he'd referred to a couple more times might be.