Slim Voyager

The next day I went over to Nat's apartment in the evening and became his submissive pet again; however, now it was clear to me that it was an act, a compartment of me that I could step into or out of when I wanted to. I felt empowered and pleased with myself. Even when Nat shattered me with the hot stinging pain of the paddle I was able to maintain or, at least, recover my detachment from the role I was playing. It was not that I didn't enjoy being submissive, I enjoyed it immensely, but I could enjoy other things too – being an equal bisexual lover to Liz; being a slutty road whore with Mike. Who knows what else I could find to enjoy. So as the wonderful pain of the paddle burned delectably into my ass and Nat began to fuck me like a rag doll I felt I'd achieved a manageable peace – not a static, stable set of relationships, but rather a way of interacting that will allow me to be happy and adventurous and contented however my sexual relationships evolved.

The next week Nat and Liz and I had another threesome and, as Liz wished, I take two whacks of the paddle this time. The second blow was somewhat less intense than the first because the surface of my ass was numbed by the first blow. Liz loved to see me submitting to another blow when tears were still running down my face from the first one. In return she dutifully swallowed a full mouthful of Nat's sperm that I drooled into her lovely mouth. It was a worthwhile bargain I felt. Nat beamed in delight over the cum-swapping between Liz and me. It was very erotic and satisfying to all three of us. Liz was quiet afterwards and confided in me that swallowing Nat's cum was the closest she'd come to having sex with a man in ten years. "I liked it too much Sandy. I don't want to start fucking men again, I won't let him put that nasty dick in me. Don't ask me that."

"I promise I will never ask you to take a man's dick in your body Liz, I promise." She smiled and we kissed. Later, I hitched up the strap-on. I loved to see myself in the mirror wearing the strap-on, very erotic if weird. It transformed me into a cute androgynous being, seemingly capable of any sex act that can be imagined for a man or woman. Liz and I fucked in the missionary position with me on top. Such a strange sensation to fuck her with the dildo strapped to me, like it's my own dick! I heard angels singing in my ears as we mashed our titties together while she wrapped her glorious legs around me and I excited her clit by driving the dildo energetically into her blessed pussy. We both trembled with the devilish thrill of it. I was surprised she was comfortable with Nat watching us but it didn't seem to bother her and she exploded in a magnificent orgasm that was like watching a force of nature unfold – a flight of birds arising from the brush or a sudden gushing of rainwater down an arroyo. Nat was blown away by the spectacle.

Even though I continued to occasionally have sex on the sly with other men, as the summer months came and went I settled into something of a rhythm with Liz and Nat. There was no sense of jealously among the three of us. In fact, the relationship between Liz and I fed off of my submission to Nat's dominance, that is, Liz enjoyed his domination of me voyeuristically and she urged us on to greater acts of depravity for her amusement. After getting into a routine of taking two whacks of the paddle rather than one, she soon began to encourage me to receive a third blow. Also, she suggested I give Nat a cane as an alternate tool for my beatings – that it may be superior because it may inflict even more exquisite pain and it could leave a mark for days or weeks afterwards. The thought of having cane marks to exhibit on my body was curiously appealing. I knew I would soon gratify these desires of hers to descend to even greater depths of masochistic submission to Nat. In an odd way these desires of Liz kept my relationship with Nat from getting stale while, her voyeurism also added to the excitement of the relationship she and I had together. I sensed I was on a slippery slope towards becoming her submissive pet as well. 'Ah well,' I thought, 'if that's what's in store for me I'm all for it.' So, while we may have achieved a harmonious rhythm to this complicated threesome it was still dynamic – still a spinning gyre without a clear destiny. My sex life continued to be a mixture of honesty and deceit, love and debauched lust, pain and indescribable pleasure, intense one-on-one intimacy and group orgy. It was an ongoing journey and I was looking ahead for the next bend in the road.

Epilogue

Light breaks on secret lots,
On tips of thought where thoughts smell in the rain;
When logics dies,
The secret of the soil grows through the eye,
And blood jumps in the sun;
Above the waste allotments the dawn halts.

- From "Light Breaks Where No Sun Shines" by Dylan Thomas

Labor Day found me on a trip to the beach near Corpus Christi with Nat. Javier and Gloria had joined us as well. I was reminded of the trip to the beach house over a year ago. It seemed like that was in another life. I thought of the blowjob I gave Tom in the kitchen. That seemed to start my passage but, in reality, it had started in my mind long before that.

Nat and I had become more comfortable together. When we were in public together I was relaxed and not inhibited by my subbie role. Similarly, with Liz, the fact that we had a lesbian relationship did not embarrass me around others – men or women. I was so pleased that Nat and Liz had established a comfortable relationship. They didn't have sex with each other but they both had sex with me and enjoyed watching the other perform with me.

I'd confided in Donnie that I was having a relationship with another woman. He was tickled. His own relationship seemed to be going okay as well. Apparently Scott enjoyed dicking the little screamer that Donnie had become. He was wildly and obviously queer – a real flamboyant queen. My mother thought it was a hoot. "Can you believe that boy?" I was proud of her in the sense she didn't condemn him even if she didn't fully approve.

Nat rubbed some suntan lotion on my legs. "Thanks baby. My back too?" He massaged my back while he oiled me up. "Mmm, nice." We kissed romantically. 'I'll give him my best blowjob this evening,' I thought to myself, 'and then he can smack me into a sniveling fit with the holy paddle. Yes, that sounds like a fun evening.' Gloria confided in me that she and Javier were getting married in a few weeks. She was very excited.

"So, I guess you got the hang of swallowing his jizz?" I asked.

"Oh Sandy! You are so dirty. Let's just say I've learned to please him." She laughed.

"I'm happy for you Gloria. He's a hunk and, a nice guy."

Javier was walking towards us – I couldn't help but focus on the appealing bulge in his swimsuit. "What are you two talking about?" he wanted to know.

"Sandy was just telling me what a nice guy you are baby."

Javier laughed and gave me a sweet smile. "Thanks, I need all the help I can get with Gloria," he said to me.

I hadn't told Gloria about my sexual relationship with Liz and she didn't know the depths of my submission to Nat. I wanted to tell her all these things but I was afraid I would disgust her. We made a date to go dancing together in a few days. I decided I would tell her all about my current love life then. I wondered how she would react if she knew I was in a relationship with Liz. I was going to Dallas next week to visit mom and Donnie. I intended to fuck Craig when I went up there as well, maybe give him a great blowjob. He would really appreciate that. On the way back I was planning on spending an evening in Austin fucking Mike and whoever else he wanted me to do. I was determined to maintain my secret fucks and furtive blowjobs.

They represented a pillar of my sense of control of my life – I guessed they were a form of rebellion against Nat's dominance and Liz's lesbianism. It would have been nice to jump Adam's bones but I was not going to pursue him. I had really fucked up that relationship. Who knew I would really fall for the guy? Sigh. That cute doctor who chatted me up in the restaurant last week had called again – he wanted to see me. He was very polite and very married but it could be fun to have an affair with him. My relationship with Liz was a complex duet that was still evolving. I believed she had some dominant instincts towards me. I had wondered whether she would enjoy paddling or caning me. I hadn't gotten a cane for Nat yet but I was beginning to suspect that it was Liz that really wanted it. I was unclear about how to invite her dominance, but I knew I would love to submit to her – to receive explosive blows of the paddle or intense whacks from a cane from her would be fantastically gratifying.

To suckle on her exquisite breasts to comfort myself after she had smacked me would be divine. I was blessed by a spiritual wanderlust, a desire to commune with my own annihilation, a sensual quest for a 'heaven of no return.' I knew I was not going about this as the Buddha prescribed, far, far from it, but it felt right to me. There may be no singular point of perfect harmony that I was searching for but rather just an ongoing road or river, a Tao, in which I was immersed. Maybe I just needed to awaken to it. Maybe my submission to the delectable pain of the beatings was my attempt to rouse my spirit to communicate with creation, with the universal. There was so much to give and be given, so much to understand and to teach, so many miles to travel and so many nights to sleep under the stars with the waves lapping gently at the sand. I didn't seek profound understanding, but rather, the blissful embrace of harmony, intimacy, and pleasure where:

Là, tout n'est qu'ordre et beauté,
Luxe, calme et volupté.